The Language Inside (8 page)

watching him I think of

the day Mom, Toby and I left Kamakura

when Madoka came to say good-bye

with her mother who gave

my mother

               an amulet from Hachiman Shrine

               with a gold crane for long life

me

               a cell-phone strap

               with a dove and ginkgo leaf

and Toby

               a tiny arrow

               like the one Yoritomo launched at evil spirits

               and a sports towel

               with the character for
katsu

they waved and waved

as we pulled out of the driveway

and turned down the lane

pressing handkerchiefs to their eyes

calling
itte irrashai!
—go and return!

which is what you say

for an ordinary everyday farewell

when you send someone off

for school or work

when you expect them to go and return

and we replied, even though

we were moving for who knows how long

               six months?

               a year?

               forever?

itte kimasu
—we’ll go and return

Dad drove us to Narita

then worked in Tokyo two more weeks

before moving to New York

and driving up to Boston

for the first surgery

some days I want him to quit the firm

find a new job in Boston

so he can commute from YiaYia’s house

and be here with us all the time

but most days I want him to work hard

stay in New York

do whatever it is he needs to do

to stay with that firm

which is our ticket out of America

and back to Japan when Mom is better

I check our beads drying

               
genki, chikara

               health, strength

and I think

please

this town of YiaYia’s is in the woods

on a river that flows somewhere

eventually into the sea

but there’s no sea

anywhere in sight

here in YiaYia’s town

I can walk and walk

in any direction

but I never see

or smell

the sea

from our house

in Kamakura

it’s a ten-minute walk

or five-minute run to the beach

and at the eastern end of town

the beach meets a headland

and there’s a lane to take you out

around the headland

to a marina

with tall palms

and condominiums

and views of the bay

Enoshima

Izu Peninsula

Mount Fuji

I go there in winter when the air is cool

and the sun off the sea warms the wall

or in summer when the air is hot

but the breeze off the water blows cool

my mother always ran

from home to the marina

then from eastern headland

to western headland

and from western headland

back home again

she says she kept her health

all these years

running by the sea

               lungs full of seaweed air

               tropical breezes

               cold gusts

               typhoon winds

now standing here in YiaYia’s backyard

bordering other backyards

that border more houses and woods

I would love to fill my lungs

with damp seaweed air

after I left Miyagi

when I learned of Mom’s decision

to have the surgery in the States

and Dad’s decision for us

to attend school in Massachusetts

I called Shin, my close friend

from middle school

meet me at the beach
I said

I need to talk

he did

and we walked to the center

of the beach curve

where the river enters the bay

then back to the eastern headland

by the windsurfers

and when the beach ran out

we continued into the marina

all the while

not talking

the marina seawall is long and high

and you’re not supposed to climb it

or sit on it but everyone does

you have to run at the wall

and keep running when you hit the wall

to gain enough height to haul yourself up

to the top

I skinned my knee

and as we sat between people casting for fish

and I told Shin the news

we watched a trickle of blood

track down my leg

turn toward my calf

then stop

and dry