The Language Inside (38 page)

someone tugs on my sleeve

says
hello!
and it’s Lily

surprised to see me there

are you going to dance?

I tell her I’ll just be watching

Van is head-butting her

and Lily scolds him in Khmer

while Lena waves to me with one hand

her arms wrapped around Serey

have fun!
Lily says

we’re leaving now

kids’ class is done

but hey, when will you cook Japanese for us?

and I laugh

soon!
I say, and think

once Mom is better

we’ll have a Japanese night

Serey leads me to the director

tells him I’m from Japan

a friend of Samnang’s

and I do
sompeas

may I watch?
I ask

he says
sure!

follows us to a large room

and brings a chair for me

you want to try? go ahead

but I shake my head, say

thanks, not today

noting that not a single

non-Asian dancer

is assembling

in that studio

soon Serey says
hey, everyone

this is Emma

she goes to Samnang’s school

she’s going to watch

so, anyway, be nice to her

they practice the fishing dance

like we saw on the DVD

of Samnang’s performances

they don’t use basket props

or wear costumes

but I recognize the movements

the boys circling the girls

the flirty advances by the boys

the rebuffs by the girls

they work on some movements

one dancer leading them all

then they turn on the music

and God, I so want to join in

I’m so reminded of
soran bushi

and some of the dances

we do in the shrine yard

near our house during Obon

I watch Samnang and Serey

and the others

their hands

their expressive fingers

the way they turn

tilt their heads

move their eyes

and again I am filled with envy

that makes me ache for Japan

all these kids moving together

sharing their culture, their background

here in Massachusetts

it seems only Toby, my parents and I

share my background

and what I thought

was my culture, too

if we don’t go back to Japan this year

will I lose it all?

my
nakami
—

my filling?

after the fishing dance

they work on another folk dance

the coconut dance, Serey says

though today they don’t have

coconuts in their hands

in smaller groups

they do classical pieces

the music slower

then a teacher enters

speaks to them in Khmer

and soon it is Serey and Samnang

dancing together

and I can see right away

               they are an amazing couple

               their backs arched

               their knees outturned

               their eyes connecting

               bodies sliding around one another

               the flow so

                         natural

when we leave the dance center

the sky is going purple

cold is setting in

we head down the sidewalk

a loose and trailing group

and they’re all talking

in small clusters together

and I feel like an outsider

wishing I were an insider

I’m saying a few words

to a girl called Nary

attempting conversation

when a couple stops me

asking for directions

I’m not from here
I say

and turn to Nary

who asks Serey

Serey explains to the couple the way

to the street and restaurant they want

then the woman thanks Serey and says

where are you from?

here, Lowell, I’m Cambodian

and the woman says

oh, I
thought
so!

all cheerful

you’re much too pretty

to be American!