The Light and Fallen (14 page)

"Are you crying?" Bethanny leaned in closer
and gave her a searching look.

"No!" Samara said. "It's the stupid wind
blowing in my face."

She slowed to a walk and rubbed her palm
against her burning eyes. She blinked furiously and could see both
Bethanny and Carin watching her with concern. "I think Lucian went
out of town."

"You're sure everything is fine?" Carin
asked. She raised her eyebrows skeptically.

"Yeah." She could hear Coach Cottlebum
yelling at them from across the field and walked a little faster.
"Tell me about the rest of your date with Ronnie."

Samara let her mind wander as they walked
laps and Carin chattered happily beside her.
Lucian
, she
thought sadly,
where are you?

Lucian wasn't at school on Tuesday or
Wednesday either. Samara could barely focus on her classes; she was
beginning to worry that something had happened to him. Surely if
he'd been in an accident or something she would've heard about
it.

She was supposed to be taking a Physics test,
but she couldn't concentrate. Instead she doodled aimlessly in the
margins and stared off into space. Mr. Higgs' voice broke into her
thoughts. "Fifteen minutes people," he said. He glanced around the
room and rested his eyes on her. "Don't waste time."

She half-heartedly read the first question:
Name the two types of subatomic electron spin and describe how
predictions can be made about paired electrons. She felt a glimmer
of recognition and reread the question before scribbling an answer.
She moved on to the second question, and the third, and was
surprised to find that she remembered some of the information and
could actually explain it.

Maybe I'll make a C this time
, she
thought as the bell rang and she dropped her pencil on the desk.
She knew she should care, but it was hard to muster up much
enthusiasm for anything when she knew she'd be eating lunch
alone.

By Friday morning she was almost sick with
dread. Lucian still hadn't returned to school, nor had he called
her. She wondered if she had done something wrong, or if somehow
she had wildly misread his intentions. She bit her lip as she
replayed his kiss in her mind for the thousandth time. It seemed
impossible that she could've misinterpreted the passion she had
seen in his eyes and felt in his kiss, but maybe, somehow, she had.
Maybe she'd only imagined it.

Lucian drove past Samara's house. He knew she
was still at school, but passing by her house made him feel nearer
to her. He sped up and turned onto the main road, and drove
aimlessly past restaurants and strip malls. Finally, he pulled into
an empty parking lot and pounded the steering wheel with his
hand.

Saturday night had been perfect from
beginning to end. Breathtakingly, dangerously perfect. Being with
Samara was so intoxicating that he forgot everything else. Now, in
the light of day, he had to face reality. He had accomplished
nothing on Earth. He hadn't made any progress on finding the key at
all. In fact, he felt farther away from the key than he ever had
before.

He realized that he was making a dent in the
top of the steering wheel and dropped his hands into his lap. Worst
of all, he had allowed himself to become entangled with Samara. To
fall in love with her. His judgment was growing more compromised
with each passing day. He knew he couldn't avoid her forever, but
he was going to have to push her away.
Now
, he thought,
while I still have a chance.

The thought of hurting her made him feel like
he was suffocating. His chest hurt like his heart was breaking, but
it had to be done.
This is what Sofia meant when she said there
were more important things than pain. I have to hurt her to save
her.

He felt a wetness on his cheeks and touched
them in confusion. Tears, he realized. When he crossed over he had
never imagined he would end up like this. It was like the fall all
over again. He was alone, surrounded by darkness.

Lucian was absent all week. Samara had taken
Carin's advice and refused to call him. Carin had said he could
still call, even if he was out of town, so he must be playing her.
Samara had a hard time believing that to be true, one of the things
she loved about Lucian was his apparent lack of guile, but after
days with no contact of any kind she was beginning to doubt
everything, including her own judgment.

She broke down on Thursday night, the fifth
long day without him. After dinner she ducked into her bedroom and
pulled the door tightly shut in an attempt to prevent Dina from
overhearing her conversation, then sat on the edge of her bed and
stared at the phone. She wondered if she should call and risk being
mocked, too stupid to realize when she was being rejected, or
remain aloof and try to hide the depth of her feelings. After
fifteen minutes she forced herself to make a decision and began
dialing. She wrestled uncertainty with each number she pressed, and
when she lifted the phone to her ear she half hoped it would ring,
unanswered.

She was startled when a booming bass voice
blasted out of the phone. "Hello? Hello!"

Samara fumbled with the phone, feeling
jittery as her heart pounded in her chest. "Hi," she stuttered. "I
wondered-I mean I was hoping, that I maybe could speak with
Lucian?"

She could hear rustling noises in the
background and the voice boomed back, "I'm sorry, but he's stepped
out for a bit. What message do you wanna leave?"

"I don't want to. I mean, I don't really have
a message," Samara stammered. "Can you just tell him that I
called?" She mashed the talk button on the phone and cut off the
conversation before she realized that she hadn't even said her
name.

She flopped onto her bed. Obviously Lucian
wasn't dead or seriously injured, or the voice that she assumed
belonged to Duncan would've told her. She also had to assume from
Duncan's word choice that Lucian was back in town, missing school
for some reason, but without any obvious impediment that would
prevent him from contacting her.

She felt sick
. I should have listened to
Carin,
she thought. Not knowing where he was or if he was okay
had been horrible, but knowing that he was only a few miles away
made her pine for him even more.

When Samara woke up on Saturday morning she
felt buried under a cloud of worry. This time last week she had
been sparkling with anticipation and planning what she was going to
wear to Homecoming, but now a heavy lump of dread had taken up
residence in her stomach. She lay in bed moping until the sun
streamed in through the windows too brightly to ignore, then forced
herself out from underneath her blankets and over to her closet.
She dragged on jeans and a ribbed sweater and shuffled down the
hallway.

She bypassed the kitchen where her mother was
making waffles and slipped out the front door. She climbed into her
car and sat for a few seconds before she jammed the key into the
ignition and reversed out of the driveway. She couldn't stand this
half-state any longer. Whatever the outcome, she had to find out if
she had shared something real with Lucian, or if it was all just a
dream.

She felt surprisingly calm as she pulled into
the wide driveway of the farmhouse. Her flutters of anxiety had
been temporarily overridden by deep feelings of inevitability and
resolve. Lucian's truck was parked in the yard, and she could see a
snoozing orange cat stretched out on its back bumper. The cat
opened one sleepy eye when Samara stepped out of her car and
watched her as she slowly crossed the mossy yard.

She was struck by the deep sense of stillness
that seemed to surround the house. She pressed the doorbell, and
almost immediately the door was opened by a tall, willowy woman
with pale blonde hair that shimmered in the early morning sun.
"Hello Samara," she said. She stretched out a welcoming hand and
pulled her through the open door. "It's nice to finally meet
you."

Samara found herself sitting at huge dining
table with a mug of tea in her hand without knowing exactly how it
had happened. Behind her the blonde woman stood at a gas range
stirring a large pot. She lay her spoon next to the stove and
leaned against the counter. She gazed across the kitchen at Samara
and studied her face intently. "Lucian isn't here," she said.

Samara looked into the mug sitting in front
of her. "I thought he might be," she said lamely. "His truck is
outside."

"His truck is here," Sofia said, "but he is
not." Her melodic voice never wavered, but Samara thought she could
detect a hint of something disapproving in her voice.

"Oh." She rubbed her thumb over the handle of
the mug, unsure of what to say. All the nerves that had been
quieted by her earlier determination were coming back in full
force. "Is he coming back?"

Her chest felt so tight that she could
scarcely breathe. She kept her eyes on the tendrils of steam
escaping from her tea, sure that all of her fears were written
plainly on her face.

"I hope so," Sofia said. "But he has some
decisions to make." She walked over to Samara and lay a slender
hand on her shoulder. "Don't give up yet," she said. "Have a little
faith."

Two weeks passed before Lucian returned to
school. Samara was going through her days like a sleepwalker. She
was physically present, but her mind was far away. She went through
all the motions of eating breakfast, driving to school, completing
her assignments, but she couldn't give anything her full attention.
Each morning when she woke up, she felt the feeble hope that today
would be the day he returned, but it never was. The desks where he
normally sat remained empty. He didn't call.

She resigned herself to the fact that she
wasn't going to see him, much less hear his voice or feel his
touch. She was focusing all of her energy on making it through the
day, so when she came out of her first period class and saw him
standing at the end of the hallway, she froze. Students pushed and
bumped around her on both sides, but all she could do was stare.
She opened her mouth to call out his name, but she couldn't force
any sound past her lips. He never turned in her direction, and
after only a few seconds he disappeared into a classroom, taking
her heart with him.

She sat through her next two classes
impatiently, longing for the bell to ring so she could search for
him. She barely heard any of the words her teachers said, and she
stuck the test Mr. Higgs handed her into her backpack without even
looking at it. Her palms grew sweaty as lunchtime neared, and she
perched on the edge of her seat and willed the bell to ring.

She shot out of her classroom at the sound of
the bell and wandered the halls for most of the lunch period, but
Lucian was nowhere to be found. After lunch she rushed into the gym
and searched the bleachers for a glimpse of his face, but he was
noticeably absent. As a final, desperate measure she decided to
skip her seventh hour class, something she had never done before,
and wait for him in the parking lot.

She hid in the bathroom until the seventh
hour classes began, then darted out the front doors and down the
steps of the school. She hoped that no teachers were watching her
from one of the school's many windows. She raced up and down the
rows of the parking lot until she spotted his truck parked closed
to the road. She was panting by the time she reached it. She leaned
against the driver's side door and tried to catch her breath before
she slid to the ground.

She crossed her legs while she waited and
tried to ignore the cold, hard asphalt beneath her. She knew she
was sacrificing her pride and any shreds of dignity that she had
left, but she couldn't make herself care. All that mattered was
seeing Lucian again.

Finally, he appeared. He was walking quickly
and his eyes were downcast. He didn't see her sitting on the ground
until he was only a few steps away. His eyes widened when he saw
her, and he recoiled in shock as she struggled awkwardly to her
feet. She had been practicing what to say for the last hour, trying
to find the words that would convey the agony that she had been
feeling without sounding too desperate, but now, when they were
standing only a few feet apart, words failed her.

Lucian knew he had to say something. He felt
a pang of guilt as he looked at her. Her eyes were brimming with
warmth and hope, and he desperately wanted to hold her and reassure
her. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but instead he stood
stiffly, just beyond arm's reach. "What are you doing here?" he
asked.

Samara ducked her head. "I've been worried
about you."

He could hear a quiver in her voice that
pierced his heart, but he steeled his resolve. "I'm fine," he said
brusquely. He stepped closer to the truck and opened the door
between them, then threw his bag across the seat and climbed
in.

"Wait," Samara pleaded.

He glanced over at her beautiful face, filled
with confusion and pain, and averted his eyes. He gripped the
steering wheel tightly with both hands and focused on his knuckles.
"Why?"

"Are you serious?" Her voice rose higher, and
she walked around the car door and stood beside him. "Why won't you
look at me?"

Lucian could feel the turmoil raging inside
of him. He knew if he stayed much longer he wouldn't be able to do
this. It had taken him a week to work up the courage to come back
to school knowing he would have to face her. He had imagined the
moment when he would see her again, but this was a hundred times
worse. "I have to go," he said.