The Lost Boy (12 page)

After a few minutes my shoulders became sore, but I remained rigid as the clock in the living room struck 7:00. At 7:35 I heard the distinctive sounds of Father’s borrowed VW. I allowed myself a smile after making sure my hair was just right. I could see an off-brown VW struggle as it made its way up the street. But the car continued to drive by.
Well, maybe he doesn’t have the right address,
I told myself.
He’ll be back in a few seconds.

At 7:55 I heard the sound of another VW Bug go past Lilian’s house.

I then convinced myself that I had heard the wrong time – that Father would pick me up at 8:00, not 7:00; that I had made another mistake.
Whoops, stupid me!
I said to myself.

Eight o’clock came and went, as did more than a dozen cars that cruised by. As every car drove up the street, I knew in my heart that the next car had to be the one with Father in it.

Around nine o’clock Lilian yawned as she stumbled into the kitchen. “David, are you still here?” I merely nodded. “Well, let me check the calendar. I know your father said 7:00 a.m. sharp. For goodness sake, I wrote it down.”

“I know, Mrs C, ” I said, trying not to show my feelings. “He’ll be here any …” My head spun to the window when I heard the rumblings of another VW lurch its way up the steep street. “See? Here he is!” I cried out, as I pointed at the window. I grabbed Lilian’s hand. I wanted to show her off as Dad pulled into the driveway. “Yes!” I shouted.

The car slowed for a moment, but only to shift into a lower gear before chugging its way past. My hand fell from Lilian’s grip. She looked at me as if she wanted to say something to make me feel better.

My insides felt tight. A solid lump was caught in my throat. “Don’t say it!” I yelled. “He’ll be here! I know he will! You’ll see! My dad will be pulling up here any second! You watch! My father loves me! And one of these days we’re going to live together and … and we’ll be happy for the rest of our lives. I know
she
doesn’t love me, but my dad does.
She’s
the one who needs a psychiatrist, not me.
She’s
the sick one …”

My chest seemed to shrink as I continued to ramble on. I felt a firm grip on my shoulder. I clenched my right fist, spun round and swung wildly. As my eyes focused on my target, I tried to stop. But I couldn’t. A moment later I struck Rudy, square in the forearm.

I looked up with tears in my eyes. Rudy had never seen me act like that before. In an instant I wanted to apologize, but I couldn’t. I was tired of being sorry for everything – for not understanding words or phrases; for feeling so humiliated by Larry Jr, and the crazy psychiatrist; for riding my bike down a street; or for just trying to hear my mother’s voice. And then I was telling myself that
I
was the one who got the time wrong for when Father would drop by!

I had known all along that Father wasn’t coming; that he was probably lost in some bar. He never made it for a visit. But I had always told myself that this time was going to be different, that today Father was going to make it and we would have such a good time.

I just could not accept the realities of my life.
How in God’s name did I let it come to this?
I asked myself. I knew, as I stood staring out the living room window, that I would spend another day hiding in the only place I felt safe and warm – the covers of my bed.

I looked up at Rudy and then at Lilian. I wanted to tell them both how sorry I was, how bad I felt inside. I opened my mouth. Before I could say the words, I turned away. As I marched into my room, I could hear Rudy whisper to Lilian, “I think we have a serious problem.”

A few weeks before I started the sixth grade, I began to turn off my feelings. By then I was completely drained of emotion. I had become fed up with the teeter-totter effect of my new life. On the up side, I was elated to play in the bright rays of the summer sun. On the down side, I dreaded being teased by other children or having to wait like a trained dog for the remote possibility of a visit from Father. I was fully aware that a cold change was taking place inside of me. I did not care. I told myself that in order to survive,
I
had to become so hard so that
I
would never allow anyone to hurt
me
again.

At times, instead of riding to the park, I would journey to the local grocery store and stuff my pockets full of candy that I would steal. I didn’t even want the sweets; I knew I could never eat all those candy bars. I stole to discover if I could get away with it. I felt a gut-wrenching thrill of calculating my next move, followed by the spine-tingling sensation of strolling out of the store uncaught. Sometimes I’d steal from the same store two or three times a day. Whatever I did not smuggle into Mrs Catanze’s home, I’d give away to kids in the park, or I would leave the candy in small piles just outside the store’s entrance.

When swiping candy became too boring, I raised the stakes by stealing larger objects – toy models. I became so arrogant that several times I would simply strut into the store, snatch an over-sized model and stroll right out – all in less than a minute. Some of the kids from the neighborhood who had heard of my candy giveaways would follow me to the stores and watch me. I loved the attention. It got to the point where the kids would dare me to steal things for them. My only concern was for acceptance. It was almost like the days when I would play with the younger foster children at Aunt Mary’s home. I felt so good inside whenever the kids would call my name or greet me as I rode into the play park. Now I was receiving the same kind of attention again.

Whenever I decided to steal a serious item, I became extremely focused inside. Before making my move I would imagine every aisle and the entire layout of the toy shelves. I plotted my primary and alternate routes of escape. In the event that I was caught, plan number one called for an ‘off-the-cuff’ lie, while plan number two meant that I would simply run like hell.

One time, as a group of kids waited outside the store, I turned myself off, once again becoming a cyborg – half human, half machine. My mission: grab and go. Johnny Jones wanted a B-17 Flying Fortress model airplane. I accepted the challenge, taking three deep breaths before grabbing the glass door and pulling it toward my chest. I could hear the boys cheering me on, but I shut them out as the door closed behind me. I knew that somewhere in the store Johnny was watching. He wanted to see my bravery in person. I didn’t care. I had an objective to accomplish.

In order not to be noticed by the string of checkout clerks, I walked down the first aisle leading to the back of the store. I then swiveled right and slowed my pace. By then my ears had become like radar, distinguishing between the sounds of the shoppers and the store employees. I slowed my pace before I turned right again and bent my head down to see if anyone was behind me. The coast was clear. My heart was racing as my objective came into view on the top shelf of aisle 4. I knew this job was going to be a challenge. For a split second something didn’t feel right. I thought of aborting.
Negative,
I told myself a second later. As I reached up with both hands, I could hear, then feel someone walking up the aisle. I shook the thought clear as I strained my legs to reach a little higher. A moment later I plucked my prize from the shelf. I showed no emotion as I marched down the aisle, passing Johnny, who was grinning from ear to ear.

My chest was beating like a drum.
Now the hard part.
Just in front of me was the door to victory. Ever so slightly, I dipped my head and listened for anyone behind me or someone shouting for me to stop. The delicate moment had arrived. My face became tight as I reached out to push that door open, just enough to allow me to slide out, so in case someone had followed me, that person would have to spend the extra time and effort of pushing the door open – providing me an additional chance of sprinting away. I smiled to myself, knowing that I had thought of everything.

Behind the glass door, I could hear the group of boys clapping and shouting for me. Johnny was already outside, his eyes as big as pancakes. I broke my concentration for a moment – but only for a moment – thinking what my latest risk would do for my acceptance among the group. At times in the past, the boys had teased me and played tricks on me in the park. I knew all along that they were taunting me, but I went along with the gags anyway. Any attention was better than none.

I held my head high, smiling as I slid out of the door. By then the boys were laughing, and they began to attract attention. I thought I heard the sound of the door swish open from behind me. I started to reach over with my right hand and toss my prize to Johnny, when screams of laughter erupted. Johnny laughed so hard that he had tears in his eyes. I snapped out of my concentration and laughed, too. “David, ” Johnny howled, “I’d like you … oh man, this is just too much!” he giggled. “I’d like you to meet my dad.” In an instant my feet transformed into solid blocks of ice. I turned to see a man in a red Walgreens vest with a name tag that read “Mr Jones – Store Manager.”

Mr Jones snatched the model, then grabbed my shirt. I walked in front of him as he opened the door to the store. As the glass door closed behind me, I turned my head. The group of boys leaned on their bikes and yelled, “Busted!” at the top of their lungs.

“We’ve had our eye on you for quite a while. My son told me all about you … David.”

I closed my eyes, thinking what a complete fool I was. I wasn’t sorry for stealing. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I had accepted that fact. I even knew that my luck would eventually run out. But to be set up by the kid’s father! I knew that Johnny himself was swiping candy at the store next to Walgreens.
I should have known better,
I told myself.
I knew they couldn’t have liked me for just being another kid.

About an hour later I returned to Lilian’s home. I opened the door and could hear her run from the couch. As I dragged myself up the stairs, she stood with her hands glued to her hips. Her face was cherry red.

I slid into the kitchen chair before Lilian began her fury of questions, statements and past observations on my past behavior. I simply stared through her, nodding when I felt a response was necessary. I tried to convince her that I was indeed sorry. As the words spilled out, they seemed too easy. I knew my heart wasn’t in it. Afterward, I plodded off to my room where I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I was grounded for a week.
Big deal,
I told myself.

A few moments after Rudy came home, I stood in front of him. I silently let out a sigh.
Round 2,
I told myself.

“I don’t know what it is with you, ” Rudy began to rave, “but I’ll tell you this. I’m not putting up with a thief! I know I’ve let some things slide by, and I know that Lil’s a bit easy on you. I can accept that. I also know you’ve had some hard times … but I’m not going to stand for this anymore – that potty mouth of yours, the fighting, the hitting, the yelling, calls from your mother, slamming my doors around this home. Do you know how much doors cost? Well, do you?”

I shook my head no.

“Well, it’s more than you’ll ever make. I work hard, and I love you kids. But I don’t need your crap. You hear me?” Rudy yelled.

I nodded again, knowing that Rudy knew I didn’t care.

“Are you the one who’s been stealing my cigarettes?”

My head swung upward. “No, sir!”

“And you expect me to believe you!” Rudy shot back. “If I hear you’ve caused any more problems … I’ll send your little butt to The Hill.”

My face lit up.
“The Hill?”

“
Oh! Now I have your attention. Ask around, ” Rudy twirled around. “Ask Larry Junior here. I’ve driven him to The Hill a time or two, haven’t I, Larry?”

Larry Jr, who had been chuckling behind Rudy’s back, now put on a serious, frightened face. “Right Dad, ” he said in a fearful tone, as he bowed his head.

“I don’t want to – you’re a bit young – but I’ll load that butt of yours in the car and haul you myself. If there’s one thing I will not tolerate, it’s a liar and a thief!” Rudy huffed, as Lilian approached his side. “And Lil can cry her eyes out, but that’s the way it’s going to be in this house. Am I clear, young man?”

I nodded.

“Are you too big in the britches that you can’t say yes or no?” Rudy barked.

“Yes, sir, ” I said in a defiant tone. “I understand.”

“Then go to your room. You’re grounded.”

I sat in my room and stewed.
Yeah,
I said to myself,
grounded. Big deal.
I wasn’t mad at Rudy or Lilian for yelling at me, or even for being set up by Johnny and the other kids. I was furious for allowing myself to let down my guard.
David!
I yelled at myself.
How could you have been so stupid?
I then jumped off the bed and began pacing the floor, becoming more upset at everything in my life.

That Saturday I put little effort into my chores. I carelessly vacuumed the home and barely removed the dust from the furniture. When the chores were completed, Rudy took Lilian shopping for groceries. All alone, I rocked on Rudy’s recliner chair and flipped through the TV channels. I soon lost interest when I realized that the morning cartoons had already been on.

I rolled out of the chair and strolled over to the living room window, staring outside. I thought that maybe Dad would visit me tomorrow. After a few seconds I chuckled to myself, knowing how foolish I was being. Suddenly the blur of a kid whizzing down the street on his bike caught my eye.

Without thinking I ran into my bedroom, emptied my money jar into my hand and grabbed my jacket before trotting down the stairs. I proudly wheeled out my bike and made it a point to slam the door extra hard. I had decided that I was going to run away.

I felt a rush of excitement as the howling wind struck my face, and I pedaled up and down the slopes leading into Daly City and the Serramonte-6 movie theater. Once there I parked my bike and watched James Bond three times in a row before sneaking into the other shows. Later that evening the theater attendant kicked me out so he could close for the day. The reality of my decision began to sink in. As I unlocked my bike, I shivered from the chilling fog that seeped through my clothes. After my stomach growled, I dug into my pocket to count my savings – $2.30. I pocketed the change and turned my hunger off, focusing on shelter instead. To help stay warm I pedaled my bike. Only after I rode past the darkened homes in the neighborhoods did I realize that it was after 11:30 p.m.