The Making of Matt (16 page)

Mopping my clammy forehead with the back of my hand, I looked over to Matt, dumbfounded by his reaction. “You’re laughing! Why the hell are you laughing?”

“Your face. I’ve never seen you so red.”

“Because I’m mortified! Why aren’t you?”

“Not the first time I’ve been caught with my pants down,” he stated simply, smiling as he shrugged.

“Not with a guy,” I countered.

“I told you I was going to tell them anyway. Granted, I didn’t plan to do it quite like that, but saves me a conversation, I guess.”

“And…you’re really okay with it?” Finally, I pulled my clothes back on. I couldn’t help think back to when I came out. I found telling people so difficult. Embarrassment and fear of rejection clouded my mind for months while I planned what to say. “How are you dealing with it so well?”

“Because the only person it affects is
me
and I’ve accepted it. I’m not asking
them
to sleep with you so why should it concern them?”

I couldn’t have been in greater awe of him. “You’re an incredible man, Matthew Carter,” I said, taking his waist in my arms and pressing my nose to his.

“You guys dressed yet?” Ryder called through the door.

Rolling my eyes and grinning, I broke away from Matt. “Sure! Come on in.”

Ryder barged into the office before I’d finished speaking. “Okay, so, um, what the fuck?”

“Congratulations!” Matt cheered, raising a toast to Ryder with a bottle of water from his desk. “You’ve successfully converted me. I’m joining your gay cult.”

“You’re fucking with me, right?”

“No, actually, I’m fucking Alex.”

“Since when? Why?
How
?”

“I can draw you a diagram if you’d like.”

“Mate, I
never
saw that one coming.”

“If you’d been ten minutes later you might have.”

“Matt,” I cut in. “Be serious. The poor guy’s in shock.”

“He’s not the only one.” I looked behind me and spotted Kip in the doorway. “You know with Saw, it was kind of obvious when he told me-”

“You never said,” Sawyer interrupted. One by one, everybody piled back into the room. I was starting to feel like a circus act.

“But
you
?” Kip continued. “Fucking hell, man…”

“So?” Elle joined in. “Are you two, like, together? Or just wasted and horny?”

“I’m completely sober, fuck bunny. And we’re completely together,” Matt said proudly, taking my hand.

“Wow.” She released a puff of air. “Well to
you
, Matt, congratulations. I didn’t think anyone held the power to settle you down.” Matt dropped my hand and high-fived the flattened palm Elle held in the air. “And to you, Alex, good luck. You’re going to need it.”

“Thanks,” I said, laughing. “But I’m pretty sure I can handle him.”

“Why are you all here, anyway?” Matt questioned. “I’m assuming it’s not because you missed my chiseled good looks and captivating charm.”

“Ry called us about the flood,” Sawyer said. “We came to help out but it seems you’ve made good progress on your own.”

In that moment I felt honored to know these people. They were more than just Matt’s friends. They were family. He’d said as much a thousand times but I never really understood the value behind his words until today.

Taking a seat behind his desk, Matt started fiddling with some Kaleidoscope branded matchboxes. “There’s still lots to do. I’ve got a ton of deliveries coming in at ten. The builders aren’t coming back until after lunch because they’re gonna work through the night so I could use a hand getting all the crap out and into the dumpster. Oh, and I have potential bar staff coming in for interviews later but I need to head out so if one of you could fill in for me that’d be great.”

“Oh my God.” Elle snickered. “What has happened to you? It’s like my boy’s all grown up.”

“Ha! I did it!” Matt hadn’t heard Elle as he sat back in his seat, excitedly raising his hands in the air and showcasing the matchbox tower than stood tall from his desk right up to the top of his head. “Sorry. You say something?”

“Never mind.”

“Baby steps, Elle. Baby steps,” I heard Sawyer whisper in her ear.

“I swear it usually collapses when it reaches my nose.”

“
Okaaaay
, well as enthralling as that is,” Ryder said, rubbing his hands together. “We’ve got work to do.”

Gradually, people dispersed from the office, shock still distorting some of their expressions. Sawyer and Jake didn’t seem the least bit surprised by what they’d walked in on earlier and I suspected they’d known how Matt felt for a while. It made me glad, grateful, that he’d had people supporting him while I was too busy wallowing in my own self-pity.

Walking over to Matt, I stood behind him and started massaging his shoulders.

“Mmm,” he murmured, rolling his neck to the side.

“I’m so proud of you,” I whispered into his ear before gracing the soft flesh with a kiss.

“You keep saying that.”

“You keep earning it.”

Slowly, Matt’s chair began to spin until he faced me. His head level with my chest, he looked up at me and smiled softly, his lips never parting. “You know… my whole life I thought I was happy, but I know now that I was just too numb to know any different. The alcohol, the pot, the women… they masked how lonely I was. I didn’t realize until I thought I’d lost you that the only times I’ve ever been happy, not high or drunk, but genuinely
happy
, were when I was with you. You’re enough for me. You’re
it
for me. I don’t need all the shit I used to think made life perfect. Just you.
You’re
my perfect.”

“Damn I want to get you home and finish what we started,” I said, holding his face in my hands. “Know I feel it too. I’ve spent years living with fear, regret. Hating myself.
Punishing
myself. You’re the first person who’s made me realize that it doesn’t have to be that way, that I can be happy, too. You make me want to fight. Fight my fears, my illness, fight for a future I’m now starting to think I deserve. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather do that with, than
you
.”

Arching down, my lips melted into Matt’s. I kissed every emotion I felt into him, sharing my hopes, fears, pain and
love
with the man who became, and always would be, my best friend.

“Jeez, will you two give it a rest already?” Ryder interrupted once again. I groaned and sighed all at the same time as I released Matt’s mouth. “It’s not like we have a deadline or anything.”

“Alright, alright,” Matt succumbed, slapping his knees. “Let’s do this shit.”

~Matt~

“
Sounded
important,” Sawyer noted when I ended the call to Dr. Wilson. We were back in the office after stacking a fresh delivery of crates in the basement.

“It was my doctor.” I tossed the idea of being honest with Sawyer around in my head for a little while, unsure if I’d be breaking Alex’s trust.

Sawyer looked concerned. “Everything okay?”

“Sure. Just routine stuff.”

He knew I was lying. He always did. His right eyebrow was the key, the way it rose in suspicion. I hated being dishonest with the man I saw as my brother, but I told Alex he could trust me and I meant it.

“Tell him.”

Startled, my neck turned toward the door and I saw Alex leaning against the doorjamb. He stepped inside, closing the door behind him before joining Sawyer on the couch. I couldn’t help notice, earlier, that Sawyer opted for the smaller couch, the one that hadn’t been home to my naked ass…
yet
, and I wondered idly if it was an intentional decision.

“You sure?” I asked Alex, throwing him a look that I hoped expressed I completely understood if he wasn’t ready.

“What’s going on?” Sawyer cut in, alarm knitting creases in his forehead.

“I’m HIV positive. Matt’s starting antiviral meds as a precaution.”

“Whoa. Okay.” Sawyer pushed a heavy breath through puckered lips.

Much like Alex and I did with Dr. Wilson, Sawyer asked lots of questions and accepted each answer with care and not a hint of judgment. We discussed things for a while and I revealed that my test came back negative and my prescription was ready to collect. I also informed Alex that we were booked in with Kevin, a specialist HIV nurse and counselor, tomorrow morning.

“Matt,” Sawyer began as the conversation came to an end. “All joking about your immaturity aside-”

“Wow. I’m honored.”

“I’m really fucking proud of you, man. You two are great together and I’m really,
really
happy for you both.”

I stood up, Sawyer followed, and I wrapped my arms around him. “Thanks, dude,” I said, clapping his back. “Means a lot.”

“I’m gonna have to head off. I’m needed at the studio but Jake’s staying behind to interview bar staff with Ryder.”

“Thank you, Saw. For everything.”

“It’s what brothers do. You may be a twat, but you’re
our
twat, and we love you.”

Sawyer made his way to the door while I picked up my keys from the desk.

He stopped, turning back to face Alex. “Oh and Alex?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Take care of my boy.”

“I plan to.”

On that note, after checking on the rest of the guys, Alex and I headed to the doctor’s office.

**********

6 days later…

For the first time this week I woke up feeling vaguely human. The Truvada knocked me on my ass the first couple of days. Day one, I suffered a migraine that hurt so bad I prayed to either get better instantly or die. No in-between. Day two, I was floored with stomach cramps and the ability to shit through the eye of a needle. Well, I
could
have, I didn’t try. The rest of the week I felt nauseous but it was manageable and I returned to work at the club. The worst part was seeing the guilt swim in Alex’s eyes as he held himself unnecessarily responsible.

“I brought you some water.” I opened my eyes to the sound of Alex’s anxious voice. “How’d you feel today?”

“I’ve literally just woken up, but so far so good.”

“You’re not just saying that? Because we can postpone tonight.”

Tonight?

Shit!

Tonight was our date. Somehow, between feeling like crap on a stick and pulling all nighters at the club, I’d lost a day because I thought it was tomorrow.

“You’re not getting out of it that easily. I have it all in hand.” Except, I totally fucking didn’t. “Can you oversee the club on your own today? I have plans with Ry.” Again, I didn’t, and silently hoped he’d be available to save my ass. I needed help organizing tonight and Sawyer had a meeting with a printing company about Back Door’s latest calendar.

“Sure. I’m heading over there now actually. Philip called. There’s a problem with the electrics.”

“Philip?”

“The foreman. You know, the one you discuss progress with every single day.”

“Ah. See, I just know him as the miserable fuck with an ass the size of Manhattan.”

“Call me if you need anything,” he said, giving my dick a quick squeeze through the bed sheet.

“Oh I need something alright,” I breathed, urging my dick deeper into his fist.

Ripping his hand away, Alex laughed. “If there’s one thing I’m certain of it’s that I don’t neglect your cock. I’m sure it can wait a few more hours.”

“Sadist.”

“At least think of me while you’re jerking off!” he called over his shoulder on his way out the door, and then he was gone.

The thought was tempting but I didn’t have time. Rolling onto my side, I grabbed my cell from the nightstand.

Me: I need you

Ryder: Bored of Alex already?

Me: Get your ass over here NOW. I have a date to plan!

Ryder: On it. Give me half hour

Hmm, maybe I
do
have time after all,
I thought, massaging my dick between my fingers.

Ryder: Make that 10. Mase just got back with the cat. On my way

Cat?

Ryder: *CAR. Fuckin autocorrect

Damn.

**********

“Down in a sec!” I shouted down the stairs when I heard the door slam, pulling my sweatpants on after managing to fit in the fastest jerk-off session in history in the shower.

“So,” Ryder began when I reached the bottom step. His hair was blue today. I could never keep up with his colors. “A date, huh?”

“Dude, I’ve never been on a date in my life and I promised him something special.”

“Then special he shall have. Where’re you thinking of taking him?”

I made my way to the kitchen as I pondered, opening the fridge and then closing it again when I forgot why I opened it in the first place.

“I thought about Red Velvet. He likes Indian food.”

“That place is a dump, despite the fact you need to re-mortgage just to pay for the entrée.”

“I heard it’s been renovated under new management,” I argued.

“You can’t polish a turd. Roll it in glitter, yes, but it’s still a turd underneath. Besides, you don’t strike me as a restaurant kind of guy.”

“What do you mean? I eat.”

“Alex isn’t with you for your sophisticated palette and quiet conversation. He’s with you because of who you are. Fun. Different. You need to put that into your date.”

“Dammit this is so hard!”

“Forget the traditional idea of wining and dining. That’s for old people. Taking someone on a date is a time to show the other person who you are, what you enjoy. It’s your chance to bring them into your world.”

“So I should take him on a mammoth binge-drinking session?”

“That’s a habit not a hobby.”

I huffed, growing frustrated. “I don’t have any hobbies, apart from drumming and I don’t recall any Drum Schools for Dummies around here.”

“Okay, okay. Forget what I just said. I’ll start again. A date is a time when you and your person get to find new things to enjoy together.”

“You’re totally fucking winging this aren’t you?”

“Does it really matter if by the end of it you have somewhere to take him?”

I shrugged. “Guess not.”

“So do you think, you know,” Ryder said clumsily. “Tonight’s the night?” It was a nicer version of asking if I planned to fuck Alex tonight.

Our close friends, including Ryder, now knew about Alex’s HIV. We discussed it during our counseling session and that same night Alex decided to rip off the band-aid and tell people. He said it felt like coming out all over again but once it was out there he wished he’d had the courage to do it sooner. He’d been afraid. Struggling to swim in an unjustified pool of shame. With support from me, our friends and our counselor, I had hope that in time he would learn to accept himself the way we all had.

“I’m trying not to think about it,” I admitted, going back into the fridge for the second time and pulling out a carton of orange juice. I took a generous mouthful straight from the carton and then put it back inside.

“
Why
?”

“Nervous, I guess.”

“But it’s Alex. You guys have done other stuff together. Unfortunately, I’ve witnessed it,” he teased, referring to the morning we woke up to an audience about to watch us jerk each other off. “And you’ve given it up the ass before.”

“Jesus Christ! Is there anyone who doesn’t know that about me?”

“Maybe the local priest but even he’s probably read it somewhere.”

“This is different. He’s a guy. What if I don’t do it right?”

Ryder formed a circle with his thumb and forefinger and started poking a finger from his other hand in and out of it. “Hole. Dick. In. Out. Simple.” He winked at me and I wanted to punch him in the face. “You’ll be fine. You’re not doing it alone. You’ll have Alex. He’ll guide you.”

“What if…”

“He wants to top?” Ryder stole the words that got lost on my lips.

“We’ve not really talked about it yet. And by not really, I mean not at all.”

“You need to. Either way, he’s not going to expect you to do anything you’re not ready for. And when you are, you might just like it.”

“It’ll hurt though, right?” Damn, I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with Ryder.

“Not if it’s done properly. Trust me, it can feel fucking amazing.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Then it doesn’t. It’s not the only way to have sex and, sure, it’s not for everyone. Elle doesn’t like it.”

“Christ, Ry. I don’t need to know that shit.”

“You’re thinking about it too much. You need to talk to Alex. You’ll know when you’re ready.”

“How?”

“You just will. But we should get you prepped just in case.”

“Um,
prepped
?”
What the hell?

“Back, crack and sac. I can get you in at Elle’s salon this morning.”

“You’re joking. You’re joking, right?” His stoic expression left me unable to read how serious he was. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“It’s Gay Rulebook 101. You want to look and
feel
your best for him don’t you?”

“I, um…I guess so,” I stammered, terror flooding my stomach.

“Cool. Go put on a shirt. We’ll discuss date options on the way.”

What the hell am I getting myself into?

**********

“I’ll take you in the back entrance,” Ryder said as we stepped out of his car at the salon later that morning. I raised an eyebrow. “Grow up already.”

“I’m still trying to decide if you’re serious about this,” I said, stuffing my hands into my pockets.

“We’re here aren’t we?”

I trailed behind Ryder as he led me through several storage rooms that reeked of nail polish and girly shit. We ended up in a treatment room, all white and pink with a massage table and glass cabinets filled with lotions and potions, without having to step a foot in the main salon.

Seconds later, a tall redhead with a waist to die for and tits bigger than watermelons entered the room wearing a pastel-pink uniform and a smile. “Hi!” she sang. “My name’s Janie and I’ll be doing your wax today.”

“Lucky me,” I said, my voice thick with disdain.

“Okay!” she continued in a chirpy drawl, clapping her hands together. “I’ll leave you alone to undress and settle yourself on the table. There are towels to your right that you can use to cover yourself.”

“What’s the point when she’s gonna be ripping chunks outta my junk?” I asked Ryder when Janie left the room. “She’s gonna see what I’m packing anyway. At least, she better. If she goes in blind she might accidentally tear off my dick.” I winced at the thought.

Fear hammered my chest as I stepped out of my clothes. I tossed them in Ryder’s direction, not bothering to check if he caught them. Even lying naked on the bed with a tiny towel covering my pride and joy I still hoped he’d yell “Gotcha!” and take me home.

He didn’t.

“I really don’t think Alex cares if I have a hairy ass.” I honestly didn’t know why I was going through with this. I think the fact I was so desperate to get things right, to please Alex, I took Ryder’s advice because of his vast experience screwing men.