The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (126 page)

“He does a splendid job. How much does he charge?”

“Fifty pounds,” replies the vicar.

“Bugger me!” says the bishop. “He must have seen you coming.”

What frst motivated man to walk upright?

The chance to free his hands for masturbation.

I was masturbating to a
National Geographic
magazine the other day. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist.

What’s blue and sticky? Smurf cum.

A young lad and his teenage girlfriend were on a date. He was getting hot and fnally said, “Let’s shag.”

She said, “Sorry I never do that.”

“Well, how about a blow job?”

“Oh no. I don’t do that either.”

“How about giving me a hand job?”

She said she didn’t know how to do that. “Do you remember when you were a kid, you used to shake a pop bottle until the pressure built up and it squirted? Just do it like that.” So she took hold of his dick and began shaking. Soon he was groaning and moaning. And suddenly he began to scream.

“What’s the matter?” she said.

He screamed, “TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF THE END!”

Why is sex like a game of bridge?

You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

In 2008, the US government commissioned a study to fnd out why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After three years and $2 million, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the Americans published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000 and one year of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Ireland, unsatisfed with these findings, conducted their own study. After three weeks, and at a cost of around $45.50, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from fying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A white bloke walks into a pub, totally bladdered and shouts,

“All Muslims are wankers.”

A man sitting in the corner replies, “I take serious offense

to that statement! It is factually incorrect.”

The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?”

He replies proudly, “No. But I am a wanker.”

My wife insisted I stopped masturbating. “Why?” I replied. “It’s perfectly natural.” She countered, “The kids are trying to eat their dinner.”

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me I had to stop wanking. I asked her why. She said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

What’s the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby? You know for certain that your dad is a wanker.