The Man From U.N.D.E.A.D.'s Christmas Carol (5 page)

“
Authorisation,
”
the computer demanded immediately.

“
Ward
alpha seven three bloody big bang,
”
I quoted.

“
Confirmation,
”
the computer asked.

“
Looks like we
’
ve got company,
”
Penny warned. She was looking at a display of closed circuit television screens displaying all the approaches to the armoury. The main approach was a long, straight corridor that ran from the loading doc
k to the armoury that
allow
ed
the larger items to be transported in without obstruction. Currently, the corridor was filled by the bulk of a large boar. The beast was large enough to almost completely fill it.

“
Right on cue,
”
I approved.

“
Confirmation,
”
the computer repeated.

“
Kablooie,
”
I told it.

“
Failsafe option armed,
”
the computer informed me blandly. Really, suc
h a drastic option ought to
come with a more portentous statement of intent.

I strapped the harness of the weapon that I had selected around my chest and hefted it with both hands. It was heavy and unwieldy, but then all really destructive weapons are. To Penny I said,
“
Right, now here
’
s the plan. You open the main door and then you slip out of the side door and head for the lobby again.
”

“
Or I can take another one of those and fight with you,
”
she suggested firmly.

“
In other circumstances I
’
d be more than happy with that,
”
I told her,
“
but right now I need you to get to the troops and let them know what they
’
re up against in case this doesn
’
t work.
”

“
I
don
’
t know what they
’
re up against,
”
she complained.

“
Me neither, but we both know more than they do.
”

“This is one of those ‘
save the damsel in distress
’ chivalry things isn’t it?”

“Whilst I agree you’re a damsel, I see no distress,” I pointed out. “And whenever have you seen me be chivalrous?
Now is not the time to argue
,
Penny.
”

Reluctantly, she went to the main entrance and opened the outer doors. I stationed myself in front of the secondary doors and activated the weapon in my hands. There was a disappointing thunk and then nothing.

“
Ready?
”
she asked me.

“
Not in the slightest,
”
I told her.
“
So let
’
s get on with it.
”

She hit the door release and immediately took off towa
rd the side door
through
which we had entered
.

The internal security doors of the main entrance lumbered open and I stepped forward through the widening crack between them, outside of the armoury
’
s protective spells. No weapon could actually be fired inside the vault as the resulting explosion would probably remove Oxford
permanently
from the lis
t of electoral wards
. The boar at the far end of the corridor growled anxiously and pulled at its chain. I couldn
’
t see the disfigured woman beyond it, but that was because I couldn
’
t see anything at all beyond it. The chain was released and the boar surged forward with a speed that was born out of pure power.

I levelled the weapon I was carrying and fired. From the muzzle, a large metal bullet was launched. As soon as it cleared the end, it spread itself out into a mesh that grew quickly. The boar ran headlong into it and was enveloped as the edges of the mesh folded around it and met
on the far side
. Enveloped in the mesh, the boar stumbled and crashed to the floor, sliding a good distance under its momentum. The mesh wasn
’
t finished yet
though
and the ends began to contract, shrinking the net around the trapped beast. The fine wires first cut into and then through the beast
’
s tough hide and kept on going. The boar bellowed angrily and then in pain as the mesh shrank inexorably. It was a particularly nasty death and one that I wouldn
’
t have wished on anything that wasn
’
t planning to trample me to jelly beneath its hooves.

As the first boar was reduced to pork chops, the second stamped over its companion in its desire to get at me and quickly met the same bloody fate.

Now I was left face to face
s with the disfigured woman. Neither side of that face
was serene
after examining
the gory aftermath of her pets
’
charge.

“
All we need now is a barbecue and some apple sauce,
”
I taunted her over the pile of giblets that had so recently been terrifying monsters.

She screamed and the sound was definitely not human. The fact that she was floating above the ground and possessed glowing eyes had already given that game away, but the
scream confirmed
it anyhow
. It was an inhuman mix of anger, disbelief and sorrow, all with a side order of confusion. I was guessing that this sort of thing didn
’
t happen to her very often.

I fired the net gun
for the
third time, but the apparition
’
s eyes glowed more intensely and the mesh melted in the air, falling to the ground as hot metal rain. There was only one thing left to d
o and that was to turn and run.

Again.

The fur-clad woman came after me with her keening cry still sounding. I ran right through the
interior of the
armoury to the side door that Penny had (hopefully) exited through. The rack of weapons to my right suddenly screeched as the metal structure was ripped out of the concrete of the floor. I leapt forward just as the whole structure crashed to the ground, taking the rack on the other side with it. A
n
exoskeleton suit that boosted power, but reduced speed and reaction time smashed into the wall ahead of me with enough force to embed it into the bricks. The door
ahead
was suddenly torn out of the doorway, bringing part of the wall with it
,
and flew directly at me. I had no time to avoid it, so I went down on my arse and slid under it, some projecting steel reinforcing rods scraping my arm painfully.

The creature screamed again in frustration, but now I was out of
the armoury I turned to face it
. The move momentarily disconcerted the being. Human
beings
running away
in terror was
something that it
clearly understood, but human beings
standing their ground with a triumphant look on their faces was something that was obviously new to her.

“
Computer, initiate failsafe protocol,
”
I ordered as her eyes started to blaze.

There was a rush of air that nearly dragged me back into the room and a loud popping sound.

Where the armoury had been a moment before was an empty space. The failsafe had transported the armoury and all its contents deep into the corona
of the sun to be instantly vapo
rised.

“
Well
, I
’
m
not explaining this one to Mrs Freidriksen,
”
Penny said behind me.

I turned around and the ground exploded under me.

People are not designed to fly without the aid of planes, helicopters or antigravity spells. I therefore travelled only a dozen feet or so through the air before I crashed heavily to the g
round again. And this was real
ground beneath me, not the carpet-tiled hallways of the Victor Von Frankenstein Tower. There were also no longer walls on either side of me.

Well, that
’
s not quite true; there were walls around me, but none of them
were
intact and very few of them stood more than a couple of feet high. Buildings all around were shattered and collapsed in on themselves and more than a few of them were on fire. There were heavy thumps and crashes sounding all around me, deadened by the ringing in my ears that drowned out most of it.

A figure stepped over me and across the glare of the sun so that all I could see was a silhouette. It was the silhouette of a soldier, complete with battle helmet, rifle and ill-fitting fatigues.

“
I said are you hurt?
”
the figure said dimly.

I tried to shake my head and rise, but found that I wasn
’
t able to do either very well. The soldier reached down and hoisted me up onto feet that didn
’
t seem to want to face the same way. My legs trembled and threatened to spill me back onto the ground, but with the soldier
’
s help I was able to stay upright.

“
We need to get out of here,
”
my saviour muttered and pointed toward a group of walls that were slightly more complete than all the rest.

I nodded and tried to move in that direction. The soldier supported me and we made slow progress between the shattered buildings, using whatever cover we could find until an Agency armoured vehicle was revealed ahead of us. It wasn
’
t one that I recognised, though the markings were familiar. For one thing, it didn
’
t seem to have any wheels
,
which I took to be a bit of a disadvantage in a personnel carrier. A door at the rear
opened and more arms reached out to grab me and drag me inside, dumping me onto the hard metal floor of the vehicle. The soldier who had saved me jumped in and the vehicle sped off even before the door was closed again.

“
What the hell a
re you doing?
”
someone asked. There were fewer explosions and the ringing in my ears had diminished
slightly, so I could hear a little
better.
“
This place is going to be totalled any minute.
”

“
I couldn
’
t leave him,
”
another voice replied, presumably that of the soldier who had helped me.
“
He
’
d have been killed …
or worse.
”

“
Better him than us,
”
the first voice replied.
“
Can
’
t you make this bloody thing go any faster?
”

“
You
’
re welcome to get out and walk,
”
another voice replied cheerfully.

“
Take
a look at his face,
”
the man who helped me said,
“
and then
tell
me that he wasn
’
t worth bringing along.
”

Someone grabbed my hair and pulled my face around. There was an audible gasp.

“
That can
’
t be right,
”
the first voice said in surprise and wonder.

“
No, it
’
s wronger than flares and afghan coats,
”
my saviour agreed,
“
but the Boss
’
ll want to speak to him for sure.
”

“
Better patch him up then,
”
the first voice, which clearly belonged to the man in charge, ordered.

My head was lifted up and something was placed at my lips. Liquid poured down into my throat and I started to cough. An activating spell was spoken and suddenly I could hear again p
roperly, my head no longer swam
and I seemed to be able to move my arms and feet more normally. I still ached like someone had taken a lump hammer to me with enthusiasm, but I was alive and I could function.