Read The Man From U.N.D.E.A.D.'s Christmas Carol Online

Authors: Darren Humphries

Tags: #Short Story

The Man From U.N.D.E.A.D.'s Christmas Carol (9 page)

BOOK: The Man From U.N.D.E.A.D.'s Christmas Carol
6.22Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads


Can I just ask what happened to the whole

meets three ghosts, becomes a better person and buys Tiny Tim a turkey

scenario?
That was so much more civilised,

I said, trying to think what to do next. The truth was that I had planned for all eventualities up until this point. When taking on a god, however, plans have a way of being buried under plagues of frogs
so I hadn’t planned much further. I work better when hanging on by the skin of someone else’s teeth
. I was also very aware that people were dying outside. They might be potentially f
ictitious people in a potentially fictitious
future, but that didn

t matter
to me
.


Videogames,

he surprised me by saying,

and movies.


Care to expand on that?

I asked.


Show someone a Ghost of Christmas Past now and they would just laugh and tell you that the graphics weren

t very good,

the god obliged.

It

s all about personal rights now
rather than personal responsibilities. If there isn

t a sign telling them to do it then they don

t see why they should. Today I need to take a more... adventurous... route.


And this is all supposed to make me a better person is it?

I laughed.

I don

t see that happening.


It already has,

Yule said and paused to rub his antlers against one of the girders in the roof above us.

Of course the fact that I am going to kill you now means that nobody will get to see the new, improved you, which is something of a shame.

He raised his hands and pointed at me dramatically. Then he looked at his fingers with a mixture of surprise, confusion and dismay,

That

s never happened to me before.


Don

t
worry,
I

m sure that it happens to every god now and again. We can wait a while and try again if you like.

He snarled at my words and demanded,

What have you done?


I just brought
along a little something that
might
not
actually
level the playing field
,
but which
will
at least stop i
s
tipping so far
in your favour,

I told him. The thing in question was a Magic Potential Annulment Field Generator that I had found in amongst the weapons in the Channel Tunnel. Portable anti
-
magic boxes (as they are much more commonly known, or uncommonly known since there aren

t that many people who are privy to their existence) have a limited range and even more limited duration, but they can cancel out any magic use within their area of influence. At least until the battery wears out.

We can sort this out, you know, man against stag-headed god thing
.


You think to challenge me physically?

Yule demanded, astonished, and let out a huge bellow of laughter.

At which point I threw the hunting knife.

My knife throwing skills weren’t going to earn me a place in the circus any time soon
(except possibly as one of the clowns)
, so I aimed for the biggest target and the knife plunged tip first into his chest.

And then rebounded.


Is that the best that you have, little man?

he demanded.

You lose.

He stepped forward and swung one hand at me in a wide slashing motion. I leapt desperately upward and over his wrist as it swept past. Had he connected, the blow would have taken my head clean off at the waist. I ran for the exit and he surged after me, but as
had been the case
with the pig demons in the Victor Von Frankenstein Tower
,
his size and power were offset by a l
ack of agility. I dodged left and
slid under his descending hoof. As he tried to turn to follow me, he lost his footing and crashed heavily into the wall. There was a snapping sound and a shard of his antlers broke off and dropped to the ground. He looked at the broken pi
ece of antler
on the floor
and roared furiously
.


No need to get angry,

I reproached him.

It

s not t
he size of your horns that
matters
,
it

s what you do with them.

Again he charged at me, but this time a little more slowly and carefully. This time there would be no dodging out of the way. I grabbed one of the floating vision globes and hurled it at his head, quickly following it with another. He batted them away easily, but I had already grabbed a third and aimed it a lot lower. It impacted solidly into the proof of his male godhood and he bellowed in pain, grasping his own globes.

I tried to use the time to put some distance between us, but he recovered quickly and lashed out at me. The blow caught me glancingly, but i
t was enough to propel me across the room
to
the spot
where he had staggered into the wall. The marks of that impact were imprinted on the concrete. As I struggled to catch my breath, Yule strode to the entrance and stamped down onto the
anti-magic
box, flattening it utterly.


Let

s see how you do now,

he growled, advancing on me, his eyes starting to glow purple and the same glow coalescing around his extended hands.

Goodbye Agent Ward.

Gunfire echoed around the room and bullets slammed hard into his exposed back. I looked to the entrance and there was Ve
ronika, standing in the opening
, a smoking machine gun in her hands.
She couldn’t have looked more ridiculously heroic had Michael Bay been involved in the scene.

Yule gestured once and a string of colours
streamed out of his fingers to slice
straight through her. She collapsed onto the floor.


No!

I
screamed and leaped upward, ramming
the
shard of
antler
that I had picked up off the floor
as hard as I could into his abdomen.

Yule looked down at me in shock. With all my strength, I hauled on the ant
ler and
ripped open his skin, spilling
blood and intestines across the floor
.


Perhaps you win
after all
,

the god said with an expression of wonder and irritation. He then topp
l
ed forward onto his face.

I scrambled over the body. As I did so, Veronika pulled herself to her feet, looking as surprised to be alive as Yule had looked to be killed.


How did you do that?

she asked, surveying the giant corpse.

My bullets didn

t even scratch him.


Most species develop
weapons that can kill
their
own
kind
long
before wea
pons that can kill others
,

I explained.

In this case it was his antlers.

I showed her the bloodied shard in my hand.


As impossibly mad, impetuous, suicidal and lucky as ever you were,

she complimented me (I think) with a big smile.

Perhaps you can tell me exactly ...

 


...what are you doing?

I was momentarily disorientated.


Are you going to stand out there all night? I have eggnog that needs tasting,

Veronika said, but this was my Veronika; a Veronika wearing an evening dress with an apron over the top and without a single grey hair
on her head
or an ugly scar across her face.

I glanced around myself
. I was standing in the garden outside our house. There was no demon headquarters, no giant deer-headed god with its innards spilled out, no shard of antler in my hand.

Something squealed behind me and
I
swung around, reaching for my gun
, until
I identif
i
ed Penny Kilkenny standing at the garden gate. She looked at me suspiciously and then
looked at
Veronika.


You did say eight didn

t you?

she asked.

I

m sure you said eight.


Yes we said eight,

Veronika confirmed, cuff
ing me lightly around the head.

I don

t know what game he is playing.


Well I hope that you

re ready
for us
because Mrs Freidriksen will be here shortly,

Penny warned,
coming up the path.


Mrs Freidriksen? Coming here?
In this crisis?

That seemed unlikely and I wondered if Yule had some new game for me.


Crisis?
What crisis?

Penny asked with a confused expression.

It

s Christmas, not April 1st.

She held up her gloved hands in front of her.

Thank you for these by the way. How did you know I had lost the others?


Because I paid someone to steal them,

I suggested
spontaneously
as my mind started to adjust to the situation.
I had no idea how I had known she had lost her gloves and I certainly didn’t know how I had bought a new pair for her.
Penny had no memory of events
concerning giant pigs
in the Victor Von Frankenstein Tower and Mrs F was coming to the party that I hadn

t known we were throwing, so I assumed that the Armoury was back where it was supposed to be and no lockdown had been recorded this night.


If only that were impossible to believe,

Penny said with a smile, kissed me lightly on the cheek and accompanied Veronika into the house.


Pssst!

I turned around and there was a glow around the knocker on the front door of the house once again.


Well I don

t know what you did Ward, but you certainly put your boot down hard in the ants

nest,

the lion

s face that was also Grayson

s told me
.


Yule won

t be bothering you for a while,

I guessed. Though I had spilled his entire digestive tract across the floor, I wasn

t making any assumptions about the permanency of the Horned One

s demise.


So I gather,

Leo the Grayson replied approvingly.

I knew that if anyone could do it
,
it was you.

BOOK: The Man From U.N.D.E.A.D.'s Christmas Carol
6.22Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

A Liverpool Lass by Katie Flynn
The Blind Run by Brian Freemantle
Dual Desires by Shyla Colt
Under the Sea Wind by Rachel Carson
Adding Up to Marriage by Karen Templeton
The Shadow by Neil M. Gunn
Auggie & Me by R J Palacio
Paranormal Curves (BBW Collection) by Curvy Love Publishing