The Man From U.N.D.E.A.D.'s Christmas Carol (9 page)

“
Can I just ask what happened to the whole
‘
meets three ghosts, becomes a better person and buys Tiny Tim a turkey
’
scenario?
That was so much more civilised,
”
I said, trying to think what to do next. The truth was that I had planned for all eventualities up until this point. When taking on a god, however, plans have a way of being buried under plagues of frogs
so I hadn’t planned much further. I work better when hanging on by the skin of someone else’s teeth
. I was also very aware that people were dying outside. They might be potentially f
ictitious people in a potentially fictitious
future, but that didn
’
t matter
to me
.

“
Videogames,
”
he surprised me by saying,
“
and movies.
”

“
Care to expand on that?
”
I asked.

“
Show someone a Ghost of Christmas Past now and they would just laugh and tell you that the graphics weren
’
t very good,
”
the god obliged.
“
It
’
s all about personal rights now
rather than personal responsibilities. If there isn
’
t a sign telling them to do it then they don
’
t see why they should. Today I need to take a more... adventurous... route.
”

“
And this is all supposed to make me a better person is it?
”
I laughed.
“
I don
’
t see that happening.
”

“
It already has,
”
Yule said and paused to rub his antlers against one of the girders in the roof above us.
“
Of course the fact that I am going to kill you now means that nobody will get to see the new, improved you, which is something of a shame.
”

He raised his hands and pointed at me dramatically. Then he looked at his fingers with a mixture of surprise, confusion and dismay,
“
That
’
s never happened to me before.
”

“
Don
’
t
worry,
I
’
m sure that it happens to every god now and again. We can wait a while and try again if you like.
”

He snarled at my words and demanded,
“
What have you done?
”

“
I just brought
along a little something that
might
not
actually
level the playing field
,
but which
will
at least stop i
s
tipping so far
in your favour,
”
I told him. The thing in question was a Magic Potential Annulment Field Generator that I had found in amongst the weapons in the Channel Tunnel. Portable anti
-
magic boxes (as they are much more commonly known, or uncommonly known since there aren
’
t that many people who are privy to their existence) have a limited range and even more limited duration, but they can cancel out any magic use within their area of influence. At least until the battery wears out.
“
We can sort this out, you know, man against stag-headed god thing
.
”

“
You think to challenge me physically?
”
Yule demanded, astonished, and let out a huge bellow of laughter.

At which point I threw the hunting knife.

My knife throwing skills weren’t going to earn me a place in the circus any time soon
(except possibly as one of the clowns)
, so I aimed for the biggest target and the knife plunged tip first into his chest.

And then rebounded.

“
Is that the best that you have, little man?
”
he demanded.
“
You lose.
”

He stepped forward and swung one hand at me in a wide slashing motion. I leapt desperately upward and over his wrist as it swept past. Had he connected, the blow would have taken my head clean off at the waist. I ran for the exit and he surged after me, but as
had been the case
with the pig demons in the Victor Von Frankenstein Tower
,
his size and power were offset by a l
ack of agility. I dodged left and
slid under his descending hoof. As he tried to turn to follow me, he lost his footing and crashed heavily into the wall. There was a snapping sound and a shard of his antlers broke off and dropped to the ground. He looked at the broken pi
ece of antler
on the floor
and roared furiously
.

“
No need to get angry,
”
I reproached him.
“
It
’
s not t
he size of your horns that
matters
,
it
’
s what you do with them.
”

Again he charged at me, but this time a little more slowly and carefully. This time there would be no dodging out of the way. I grabbed one of the floating vision globes and hurled it at his head, quickly following it with another. He batted them away easily, but I had already grabbed a third and aimed it a lot lower. It impacted solidly into the proof of his male godhood and he bellowed in pain, grasping his own globes.

I tried to use the time to put some distance between us, but he recovered quickly and lashed out at me. The blow caught me glancingly, but i
t was enough to propel me across the room
to
the spot
where he had staggered into the wall. The marks of that impact were imprinted on the concrete. As I struggled to catch my breath, Yule strode to the entrance and stamped down onto the
anti-magic
box, flattening it utterly.

“
Let
’
s see how you do now,
”
he growled, advancing on me, his eyes starting to glow purple and the same glow coalescing around his extended hands.
“
Goodbye Agent Ward.
”

Gunfire echoed around the room and bullets slammed hard into his exposed back. I looked to the entrance and there was Ve
ronika, standing in the opening
, a smoking machine gun in her hands.
She couldn’t have looked more ridiculously heroic had Michael Bay been involved in the scene.

Yule gestured once and a string of colours
streamed out of his fingers to slice
straight through her. She collapsed onto the floor.

“
No!
”
I
screamed and leaped upward, ramming
the
shard of
antler
that I had picked up off the floor
as hard as I could into his abdomen.

Yule looked down at me in shock. With all my strength, I hauled on the ant
ler and
ripped open his skin, spilling
blood and intestines across the floor
.

“
Perhaps you win
after all
,
”
the god said with an expression of wonder and irritation. He then topp
l
ed forward onto his face.

I scrambled over the body. As I did so, Veronika pulled herself to her feet, looking as surprised to be alive as Yule had looked to be killed.

“
How did you do that?
”
she asked, surveying the giant corpse.
“
My bullets didn
’
t even scratch him.
”

“
Most species develop
weapons that can kill
their
own
kind
long
before wea
pons that can kill others
,
”
I explained.
“
In this case it was his antlers.
”

I showed her the bloodied shard in my hand.

“
As impossibly mad, impetuous, suicidal and lucky as ever you were,
”
she complimented me (I think) with a big smile.
“
Perhaps you can tell me exactly ...
”

“
...what are you doing?
”

I was momentarily disorientated.

“
Are you going to stand out there all night? I have eggnog that needs tasting,
”
Veronika said, but this was my Veronika; a Veronika wearing an evening dress with an apron over the top and without a single grey hair
on her head
or an ugly scar across her face.

I glanced around myself
. I was standing in the garden outside our house. There was no demon headquarters, no giant deer-headed god with its innards spilled out, no shard of antler in my hand.

Something squealed behind me and
I
swung around, reaching for my gun
, until
I identif
i
ed Penny Kilkenny standing at the garden gate. She looked at me suspiciously and then
looked at
Veronika.

“
You did say eight didn
’
t you?
”
she asked.
“
I
’
m sure you said eight.
”

“
Yes we said eight,
”
Veronika confirmed, cuff
ing me lightly around the head.
“
I don
’
t know what game he is playing.
”

“
Well I hope that you
’
re ready
for us
because Mrs Freidriksen will be here shortly,
”
Penny warned,
coming up the path.

“
Mrs Freidriksen? Coming here?
In this crisis?
”
That seemed unlikely and I wondered if Yule had some new game for me.

“
Crisis?
What crisis?
”
Penny asked with a confused expression.
“
It
’
s Christmas, not April 1st.
”
She held up her gloved hands in front of her.
“
Thank you for these by the way. How did you know I had lost the others?
”

“
Because I paid someone to steal them,
”
I suggested
spontaneously
as my mind started to adjust to the situation.
I had no idea how I had known she had lost her gloves and I certainly didn’t know how I had bought a new pair for her.
Penny had no memory of events
concerning giant pigs
in the Victor Von Frankenstein Tower and Mrs F was coming to the party that I hadn
’
t known we were throwing, so I assumed that the Armoury was back where it was supposed to be and no lockdown had been recorded this night.

“
If only that were impossible to believe,
”
Penny said with a smile, kissed me lightly on the cheek and accompanied Veronika into the house.

“
Pssst!
”

I turned around and there was a glow around the knocker on the front door of the house once again.

“
Well I don
’
t know what you did Ward, but you certainly put your boot down hard in the ants
’
nest,
”
the lion
’
s face that was also Grayson
’
s told me
.

“
Yule won
’
t be bothering you for a while,
”
I guessed. Though I had spilled his entire digestive tract across the floor, I wasn
’
t making any assumptions about the permanency of the Horned One
’
s demise.

“
So I gather,
”
Leo the Grayson replied approvingly.
“
I knew that if anyone could do it
,
it was you.
”