The Matter Is Life (7 page)

I was born and grew up in a little township that no longer exists. An octopus city has reached out, surrounded
and devoured it, luckily. I guess there were about 700 fairly normal people living there then.

As to friends, I was born about the same time and grew up with my friend, Jana Green. Our mothers were good friends until the day my mother heard me screaming where I lay with my friend, Jana, in a crib. My mother came in to discover my entire cheek in Jana’s mouth. The teeth marks remained two days! Attacked!… and I was only a baby!

I remember the look of hatred my mother gave to Jana’s mother and Jana. Jana’s mother picked her up and held her to her breast as if to protect her from my mother. Nothing came of it, except Jana and her mother soon left and did not soon come back. We didn’t go to their house again soon either.

Over the years that was forgotten and our little friendship grew. We did everything together. Learned together about life. Learned to swim in the creek, fish, went to school, hated the same teachers, loved the same teachers, sometimes. Had separate birthday parties because I think my mother still didn’t trust, nor like, Jana. We had the whooping cough and measles together, everything. We were very close, even if we were different kinds of people. Well … you know children.

Her mother and father were said to be good-looking. Brown with brown eyes. Jana had ugly gold glints in her full head of auburn hair and unseemly light-brown eyes. I was also brown, as were my mother and father, but the sunlight was not in our brown, which is better, I think, personally. My hair didn’t glint, but I think that is the sign of a lady, personally.

Jana’s body was matured, full and rounded, rather vulgar
I might say. While I stayed thin, because thin is better. Her teeth were even, while I had to wear braces. But this finally gave me better looking teeth. Her feet were small because she liked shoes, not bare feet. Now, my feet were large. I liked bare feet, not shoes, to be close to nature and natural, the best, I might say. Also, my mother was too dumb to warn me. Jana liked to laugh a lot, I remember. I was quiet, thoughtful, like somebody with some sense.

These small differences made us no never-mind at that time. My lord! We were children, friends, and played as such. I was a very innocent, fair-minded child and would never have felt an ugly inclination anyway.

I remember one day, we were playing with some boys and they devised a game whereby the girls ran and if they were caught by the boys, the boys could kiss them! I think Jana thought of that game, she was always ahead of all the other girls and liked boys early. Too early I might say.

Of course, all the girls ran! And, going along with Jana as usual, I ran. I remember feeling my chest grow warm with my excited and accelerated breath. My legs feeling the exhileration of running and my smiles when I looked back to see who was gaining on whom.

My excitement fell flat. There was no boy there behind me! No one had run after me! Well, of course, I was innocent in mind and body, they probably knew that. But still … no boy had run after me. Me! All the girls were caught and screaming, playfully struggling to be let loose. Even Jana. She could sure fool people. The worse thing was, all the extra boys were sitting around on the grass! Doing nothing! Not even looking my way.

I walked back with dignity and sat down on the grass
too, and just looked at the caught girls. Then Jana came over and put her arms around me and kissed me on my cheek. The one she had bitten years ago. Well, that passed, thank God.

But … other things I didn’t understand. Jana always got valentine cards, boxes of candy, flowers, as we got older. Even little scraggly ones when we were young, that some boy had stolen, no doubt. She never missed a graduation party once we were in high school. Not one! The boys always asked her. I wondered why, but in my innocence, what could I even guess? My mother said not to worry about these things. That one day Jana would come up with a baby from all that company and going all the time. Then we would see what was what!

So … I studied hard in school. Made good … kinda good grades. What else was there to do?

Now, there was one boy, young man, I should say. Albert, who always took me wherever I had to go with someone and I always went with him wherever he had to go with someone. I guess you could say he was not good-looking. He was small and wiry … but smart. I thought I hated him. Anyway, I used to feel like I did. He was just a hometown boy we had grown up with.

High school graduation was near, and going on to college, for some. When a young man by name of Nathan moved to our town with his family. He was truly blessed. Good-looking, tall, strong, handsome and his family had money!

They lived in a small house, like the usual in our town, while they built a larger one. And do you know … before that house was finished being built, he suffered tragedy. His
father had died from something. His mother was sick, maybe dying. And he was in love with Jana … and they were planning to be married. Yes, mam.

That friend of mine didn’t care what was happening to that poor man, she was only thinking of herself! Marriage! I knew her family was poor and she might not be able to get to college, but for heavens sake! Thinking of marriage in the midst of all Nathan’s problems! Well, some people are like that, think of nobody but themselves.

Well, since it seemed like the thing to do and I couldn’t let her outdo me by getting engaged first, Albert and I became engaged. He had already gone off to college to study law. I was soon to leave for college myself. Jana was supposed to be trying to get a grant or something to go to college herself, but she was so in loooove with Nathan. He had to stay home and take care of the property and his mother. Jana decided to give it all up for him … and loooove. I told her she was a fool to do that! She better get her education. She might need it. She would need it! What could she do in this little one-horse town with no greater education? Nothing! Honey, this is only a place to leave! How dumb could she be?!

Now, just between me and you, I was even kind of sure Nathan didn’t love her. Wellll, I can’t tell you everything, it’s not good to tell everything. But … one day … Nathan made love to ME! It cost me a lot in pride and things like that, but I just had to know how it would feel to be in his arms. And, also, if he really was going to be true to my friend, Jana. Well, when it was over, I didn’t like him one bit! Not one bit! He didn’t treat me like a lady! He acted like
I was a tramp! Like he didn’t love me one bit! I left him alone after that, I showed him he didn’t mean nothing to me.

Then, horror of horrors, I soon found I was pregnant! And it was not Albert’s child! We didn’t have abortions then, not like now. All my new, best friends have had them, two or three times. But my friends are grown women, college graduates. I was just a child then, you might say.

I tried all the home remedies I could find and when nothing worked, my mother locked me in my room and told everyone I was gone away to college early. Except Jana. Because Jana helped me with my schoolwork to keep up and stay ready for college and, of course, I needed someone to talk to, keep me company in that little dark room for seven months! I had no other friends at that time.

Jana told Albert I was sick when he called. Because, you see, it wasn’t his child. Jana helped to care for me, out of some goodness she found in her heart, and I was delivered at home by a family friend-doctor.

Oh! My friend, listen to me. Fate has ever and always been unkind to me. Maybe if I had had one child I could struggle courageously under that burden. But Fate had other plans. I had twins! Twins! Dear lord, one was blind, the other deaf! Two girls. Born to me, an innocent, loving, unsuspecting person. Ignorant of life.

Now, as a mother, I’m sure I didn’t hate them. How can a mother hate her children? But I did not love them. Look what they had cost me! I had dreamed of showing Nathan, yes, Nathan, “his” love child, his son! Now I never could. The poor man would never know about these blind and deaf babies. Not if I had to tell him!

My mother had a friend who had recently lost her bastard
child, she gave the twins to this wayward friend, of all people!, to keep for awhile. They made some agreement. I couldn’t be worried at that time, I had to prepare for my future. College.

I was soon on my way to college. Waving good-by gaily from the train window to Jana and my mother. Good-by to this stupid, stupid town and all the stupid, cold-hearted people in it. Good-by at last. It was their loss, it sure wasn’t mine. I had greater things to do, to be. I looked back at Jana standing there beside my mother. I smiled. Because one of us had made it, you see? Take my word, it was the right one.

I became so involved in my life at college, I soon forgot my hometown except for hurried calls to my mother when I needed money. Isn’t it strange how people don’t realize how you need money when you are away? I mean, why did she wait until I called? She wasn’t that broke! She didn’t need to keep making all her bills, if she knew I was away and needed money! I was her child! Her real responsibility! My mother always was just a little dumb. She didn’t have anything else to do and I had all that college work!

But there was a good side to all this. I grew lovely as I grew older. I did very well with the college men and my social life. I knew now you had to offer them something. I did very well academically too! Much to my regret, I didn’t have good clothes. My mother said she had to help with the twins. Huh! Why didn’t that woman, what’s her name whose bastard died, who was keeping them, spend some of her own money on them? Hell, she was getting all the pleasure! But all that was soon to change.

Time passed, Albert graduated and was in demand he was so excellent at law. I could have graduated, but I liked
going to college so much, I kept finding excuses and reasons to remain. My mother complained about the money, but I was her child, only child, except for those grandchildren she was always writing me about. I use to burn the letters. She should have known better! Someone might have seen them.

Albert’s confidence had helped improve his looks and carriage, not much, but enough to count. Our future looked good. He had paid more attention to his books than to the girls where he was, so he still wanted to marry me. He didn’t fool me tho, I knew they hadn’t paid any attention to him.

We came home to be married.

Naturally, first thing I did was go see my friend Jana. She certainly looked overworked and tired. She had a browbeaten son, I guess that was why he was so well-behaved. Imagine, she still did all her own housework and had to care for her mother-in-law and the family business too! I had thought she had some sense. People sure can fool you, let you down.

Nathan was, maybe, fooling around doing everything except what he should have been doing, which was running the business his father left him. The business was going down except for the work Jana put into it. While we were in town, Albert, my husband, went over and helped her straighten out her books and things. He even gave her some new ideas to work on. She almost cried she was so grateful! I was very happy about that because I remember when she wouldn’t have looked twice at Albert. You see, it pays to be humble.

Our wedding was rather grand, if I do say so myself! Jana was there, but she looked kind of dowdy, if you ask me. When Nathan got drunk at the reception and started hugging on the ladies, she left with her son.

Oh! The twins! I had forgotten. I didn’t get a chance to go see them. To be truthful, I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s happiness. It made me so sad to think of them, blind and deaf. So … I left them in peace. It broke my heart.

After a brief honeymoon, we went East to live. Albert said we really could not afford a honeymoon at that time nor money, but I insisted. After all, you’re only married once and Fate had been so unkind to me in the past, I needed all the little happiness I am due.

Albert went to work in a fabulous office making fabulous money. Soon, well, two or three years, I had a fabulous house and two cars and a lovely mink coat! Albert was doing so well! The friends I chose were all doing well also. They had married well, like I had, or they were college graduates doing well, like I was. I had my degree in human psychology. I had Friends of my stature, of course.

I worked so I could entertain, buy more clothes, since he fussed so about “squandering” money. He was always saying things like “Suppose something happens to the economy? What about the future?” You know? Just bull-shit! Pardon me. But I was living my future I had dreamed of like I had some sense!

I liked my shape and my clothes, so no babies for me. Besides I already knew about all that baby shit. Pain, honey, pain, everlasting.

Oh! The twins! Well, they were doing alright, I guess. The lady with the bastard child that died had died too. My mother couldn’t take on all that work, so Jana was taking them over for her. For me, I guess. There must have been some money in it for her, but, with my generous soul, I prefer to think it was because she was my good friend and
loved me. Actually, she had only taken Nathan’s children, whether she knew it or not. It was his responsibility, so it really wasn’t a favor to me!

The twins were almost eleven years old now, so they must be a lot of help at that age. I know Jana must have had some benefits from that. Besides Albert was helping her, now and then, with their business. Free. I wondered about that sometime, but I didn’t worry. I just figured she owed me. Albert said the business was doing quite well. You know you have to pay in some way for that kind of assistance.

Anyway, life went on and I went on. Albert kept pestering me for children. But I didn’t really want him so I sure didn’t want his, or any, children. I was having the time of my life! This life was what I had struggled for, worked for, lived for, dreamed of and planned to keep!

I lunched and dined with my friends, everyday. Wore the finest clothes, drove the best cars, drank the best liquor, met the FINEST MEN! Some of them belonged to my friends, but they didn’t seem to mind if they “strayed” because my friends were straying themselves. But, we kept it in the “circle” and that’s the best way, don’t you think? Some of my friends had their tubes tied, to avoid the “terrible responsibility” meant only for the dumbest, uneducated women. I had mine tied also. I NEVER told Albert. Goodness, no! He would have died. He wanted a “family.” Aren’t some people futile?