The Matter Is Life (9 page)

I thought it was a good idea to have a child. It seemed like children had been a help to Jana getting a man. When I told Reginal about the gift I was about to give him, he said it was a good thing I had a degree so I could take care of a baby, because he couldn’t help me. Said he didn’t even know
if it was his! What did he think I was!? He said he had other plans and marriage wasn’t in them. Can you imagine that? A city coordinator with a chance to marry a Social Psychologist, a Doctor, saying it was not in his plans? That’s why he isn’t anything! He has no sense of getting ahead in life! I left him alone right then. I had to … remove that baby too. A single woman can’t be so encumbered. I never would get a man with a baby laying, slobbering, in my arms.

Besides I plan to get my own children back when they are grown and can appreciate me.

But listen! Jana did it again! I was hearing rumors when I had to go home to see about that property of mine. It seems Jana and Albert are together pretty steady. He is even investing in a business for her! Her divorce is final and she is the marrying type. The slick kind of woman that sets a scheme and makes it work. I know her! I, also, know Albert is the marrying kind. When he likes a woman, he sticks to her. Why he ever got a divorce from me, I’ll never know. I complemented his role in life. Probably some lies Jana told him because she wanted him for herself. I hear he deluges her with flowers, candy and gifts. Many gifts. Why? He never did that for me! She probably tricks him in some way for that!

But, times change and I know things will get better as soon as I meet more people and they find out who I am and what kind of person I am. I do have a degree in psychology. A Doctorate!

I go out, now, with a few ordinary working women sometimes. They are nothing much. Just company sometimes, when they are not going out with their “ordinary men.” I
simply cannot go out with just an ordinary man, that is beneath me. I just can’t. I won’t! I deserve more.

I can’t understand what is wrong! Is it the times?

The men don’t come.

My mother is dead. I don’t have anyone.

I get along, tho. I am a smart, modern woman. However … I am just a little tired of being pawed by one-night stands. If you go all the way, you never know if it will be good or not! It is mostly not! Further, most of them do not have the decency to call back. They eat your food, listen to your music, drink all your liquor, ask you to do all kinds of things. Then, you never hear from them again.

It galls me when I hear how good Albert is to Jana. He never was to me! I hear they may marry. Two fools, maybe they deserve each other.

I know one thing, tho. I am smart, I have a degree and I am gorgeous. I will find another man who is somebody bigger than Albert! There is someone out there who will love me, marry me.

God forbid, I may have to be alone. Awhile.

You know … Fate has ever been unkind to me. Always … cruel and unkind. People like I am, are always done this way. Fate is so unfair to us. To me.

The little lady had paid for an invitation to this swank affair. She pulled her slightly worn-looking mink coat closer around her, even in the sweltering heat of the day. She
looked gorgeous. Inside the grand room prepared for a luncheon she lifted a drink from a tray, moved toward a table with her name on it, looked over the crowd to see which man was looking at her. None at the moment. She sat down, in her elegant practiced way … to think about her presence, her future and her hair. Thought many evil thoughts because people never did her right. Cried inside her mind because people never did her right.

Soon … others like her joined her. Both men and women. Both with too much makeup, to cover puffy, alcoholic or drug-abused faces. They drank together, but seldom looked at each other unless along with a snide remark. Their faces were turned away from their own table toward the rest of the crowded, busy room. Looking. Seeking.

All each alone, even together.

She never misses these things because she does not want to be a waste of time, nor does she want to waste time. Time is passing fast. It’s precious.

She seldom mentions “Husband” any longer.

She says, “I just want a friend. A true friend at last! Is that too much to ask?” Everywhere she goes, her little, empty, hurt eyes ask, “Friends, anyone?”

I do not know how she came out in her pursuit of what she was after. I did not have the time to waste.

I
’m sittin here thinking, ponderin, over life. I hear my radio playin music softly round me. Beautiful full religious music bout God and what he does. I am listenin … and I am thinkin … about this life. Even death.

Sometimes you get something in life and you don’t know you got it, so you don’t do nothin with it. Then sometime you get something and you know you got it and you want everybody else to know it too. You be just done got lucky, even got something you can share, like beauty. But some people turn a gift into a weapon and use it on everybody. Sometimes, they think they be goin up, up … but they ain’t. They be goin down, down … and taking people with em!
Two fools. Fool for doin it, and a fool for goin down with it. One thing I do know, life is like a bank sometime. You ain’t gonna get no more out of it than you put in it! Tho it do look like some people do … in the end, they don’t.

Some people say everybody got a Guardian Angel looks over you. I ain’t sure God got that kind of labor to waste on some people, but if he do, I don’t envy the one was watchin over Vanity.

My mind is turned to these thoughts by death. A strange death, ugh!, of a woman I knew. A friend? I don’t know was she a friend or not. She might’a tried, I don’t know. I was her friend tho. I do know that. Vanity. Vanity is her name.

I knew her well. Very well. I am a little older than she was. I used to keep her, sit with her for her mama when Vanity was little. She was grown then, in a little way. She talk to me all her life. She thought I was her friend … well I was, but I was a little scared of her. I was. She didn’t seem to have nothin in her heart for nobody but herself. I watched her think, listened to her talk.

Just listen what she said to me a year or so ago, when her trouble started. Another kind of trouble she didn’t understand. See, she didn’t have no women friends for too long. They didn’t like her for long. But she never cared noway. She get lonely she just come find me. I knew all her secrets. I think. Just listen what she said to me when we be sittin on the front porch, laughin, talkin softly. She be drinkin champagne. She drink enough to keep even a Guardian Angel high.

She say, “I was always very beautiful. You may not believe that, but it’s true. I know. I am still beautiful.

“I knew I was beautiful the day I was born. You may not
believe that either, that a newborn could know that, but I did. The doctor did not want to slap me, the nurses looked at me with envy and hate. My mother was elated. She was … uncomely. But I let that pass. ME. I was the important one … and … as I said I was beautiful. But bored … from birth.

“Bored! Do you know how long I had to wait to walk? To speak? To buy things, beautiful clothes, to enhance my beauty? Several years. But I used the time well.

“I studied my father. I wrapped his heart around all my fingers. Many times he slept, holding me, instead of my mother. That became a problem, but I don’t wish to talk about that now. But … I was practicing, yes, practicing for my future. When I spoke, I spoke in question marks. ‘Will you buy that for me? May I have that? Do you think this is right for me? Don’t you want me to have that? Does this look good on me, compliment me?’ Oh yes, I knew what to do with me, my beauty.

“I wanted to goooo somewhere. Beeee somebody. Doooo something with what I had. I was born decided not to be a victim. Determined. And I had the greatest tool I know in life. Beauty.

“At five, ten, twelve, fifteen years of age, I knew, I knew, just by looking at people looking at me. I knew I was superb … that I could acquire things and people in proportion to my beauty. The world lets you know they are fools because they love beauty no matter how empty it is. However, I was not empty. I was full of thoughts. Of myself. Well … what better? Who should you be thinking of? See?” She said and laughed, “I’m still into question marks?

“Reasons, causes and effects, results … that’s what I
studied on. Hard. But not too hard … it wasn’t necessary … for all. Boys and then men became monotonous, always telling me of their love. What did they think I thought? Didn’t I know they would love me? Want me? I was delicious to look upon. Ask my father. He gave me everything! He loved to touch me, assure himself I was his. My mother had very little, she didn’t need it anyway. She had her chosen man … who really belonged to me after I was born. She had us. She had him anyway. I was there I guess. But only I had me.

“Many, many hours were spent, me with myself, alone. The sun rose and shone on ME, sent its warmth into my soul. Flowers bent when I passed, God knew. Everyone, anyone, who looked on me, their heart beat and throbbed with the thoughts of love and possession. Men and some women too. Desire … ahhhh, desire, the crux of the whole life matter.

“I was young … innocent, in a way, in my body, not my mind. I was sad because I had to wait for life, get older. Wait for the joy of being a woman. A beautiful woman. To get my due. I said prayers. After all, God was, is, greater than I, at least.” (I know her Guardian Angel almost choked!)

“So many loves came into my life, before my eyes. I was always smiling, happy. At peace with my self and my glory. I cared, oh!, I cared for myself because when I first looked at me, I loved, loved me.

“At twelve years old, I washed, creamed and smoothed my body. I brushed, combed my luxuriant hair that it might nestle on my lovely soft shoulders and be a cape of beauty for others to enjoy. Yes, I thought of others, sometime. I
loved my arms, my waist, my legs, so full and smooth, beautiful … and mine.

“You know I loved clothes! To sheath my body! Let them be expensive! Let my father struggle to do what he had to do to afford them for me. Wasn’t I his child? Wasn’t he supposed to do for me? Getting anything I needed? I needed beauty. As I grew older, I HAD to have lovely, beautiful, costly things. Wasn’t I ME!? Mama had had her time and got him … and me … now it was my turn. Practicing, practicing. My hands, my nails, my shoulders, my breast, beautiful. My legs, my thighs, my feet … all of me, I oiled, creamed, smoothed and loved. And I felt joy. Anything that made me look like me … beautiful … I loved. Not people … just things.

“The only thing that bothered me was time. TIME. Always moving, passing, getting away. But too slow for me. I had to wait, wait and waste those early years I needed, to be admired and loved. I got up early, mornings, to have more time to be admired. I have sat looking out my windows, hours and hours, weeks and weeks, just waiting for someone new to come along, pass by, to look upon me and know … I was beautiful. I watched their eyes.

“Seasons meant nothing to me. All were mine. Except, I learned I must stay out of the sun. Ahhh, and it was such a spotlight.

“One day after school graduation, after all the shit I had to go through to get to my life, my freedom, I said to myself, ‘I’m not beautiful enough.’ You see, I had seen others then, that might come close to me. And I wished, tho I looked better than all others, that all, ALL pretty women, even cute women, would die, DIE. And leave me to have all the men,
all the adulation, my choice, anybody I wanted … to love me.

“Somebody special to love me. It was now at the time when loving myself was not enough … not enough. I began to know fear. Fear is a low, low, sad feeling. But it was into me. I couldn’t help it. Of course, I should have known better. What had fear to do with me? YET … I feared. Somehow I knew … I might not … might not … have everything. Oh! my lord, ME!?

“Now! It was now time. I was eighteen. Through with high school. My parents could not afford college where I might have found my true future, my love to love me as I should be loved. Riches, position, everything! No … I had to work with what I had. Welll, it was quite a bit. But, still, all by myself. Only, only?, my beauty to help me. And it did. Don’t you make the mistake that men will not let anything go for a beautiful thing to look at. In the morning, the evening, especially the night. Men are fools. Good grand fools. Don’t let me mislead you, they are alright. Are they not rich sometimes? I still believe the world belongs to a woman, but only because it belongs to men and they give it to her! Just fools for beauty. Is it beauty? Or is it body? Hmmmm. But … I was always just like a lady, a real lady. A beautiful, beautiful Lady.”

Yessss, chile! All those things Vanity said to me … and more. I can’t remember everything now, my mind is mixed up with death … and life.

I’ma tell you something, bout this life I done found out. Sometimes from the birthstone to the tombstone ain’t nothing but a few steps. High ones, low ones. Don’t matter. And sometime you don’t even know you been walking on the road
of time, think you been standin still and you been flyin with your feet. Laughin, having a good time, even cryin, having a bad time. Then, one day, you look up and you way, way up the road. One day you twenty, overnight, you thirty, one movin year … forty, one afternoon … fifty. After that, it pass by like hours, minutes! All the time you thought you was spending only money, you been spending time. TIME. Chile, time. The most valuable thing you got! Or ever gonna have!

Now, if you ain’t there where you think you ought to be when you think you oughta be THERE, and you done spent time til you broke and you ain’t even enjoyed gettin to where you are! If you don’t understand what I’m sayin, I do, I just maybe ain’t sayin it right for you to understand. Try.

There was no lie about it! Vanity was a beautiful thing, a beautiful woman to see. Not to know. Just to see. Her Guardian Angel had a JOB!

But, back to her family, her dear mother saw the love transferred away from her. She wasn’t no longer the center of the home. She just waned and drifted to the background with the second daughter she had, Mega. The father often slept with Vanity cause she said she had bad dreams, holdin her, pettin her, kissin her. As she grew older, them kisses grew lower and lower until she was kissed by father all over her body. It was like a form of worship to her. If it is true some men had their own daughters way, way back there in them cavemen days without feelin shame nor fear, that is still in some men. I don’t blive he went that far with her tho. Just fondles, touches. But she grew to expect, and get, the same thing from most all her men the rest of her life. Her Guardian Angel musta shuddered.