The Midwife And The Single Dad (14 page)

‘You’re quiet, aren’t you?’ Ben said as they drove home. ‘You chatted no end on the way out. Is Miss Morven being blind upsetting you?’

‘Not really. I might have guessed that Miss Morven was tough, that she’d take everything that fate handed her.’

Then she spoke without really thinking of the consequences, perhaps not a good idea. ‘She said something odd, Ben. She said that because she was blind her other senses had become more acute. She said that she could detect some…feeling between us. Some kind of special relationship.’

Ben shook his head. ‘Just nonsense. She remembered how close we used to be. But we’ve grown up since then. We’re good friends, I hope. But that is all. And, after all, you’re leaving at the end of the year. Going back to take up that post in London.’

‘I certainly am,’ Alice said after a pause. She wondered if Ben really meant what he had just said. That Miss Morven’s feeling that there was a special relationship between them was just nonsense. Did he really have to sound so certain?

T
HEY
worked very well together. And when they were together they enjoyed each other’s company. He seemed to need to see her quite often. Queries that could probably have been answered over the phone—he came to see her in person.

Sometimes, when he thought she wasn’t noticing, she caught him looking at her, and she couldn’t make out his expression. Whether it was sad or thoughtful she didn’t know. But there was certainly some emotion there that he couldn’t bring himself to express. He couldn’t bring himself to admit what she was certain that he felt.

Once or twice she wondered if something should come from her, if she should be the one to speak first. She even considered trying by some means to get him into her bed again. Then she could show him what they meant to each other. But, of course, she couldn’t. There were some steps that were too far. And imagine the feelings if he rejected her! They were too painful to contemplate.

No, Ben had to make the first move. She knew her feelings had improved no end—Ben had been largely responsible 
for that. Her fear and mistrust of men had now almost gone. They were not all the same underneath! But the remnants of the shadow of Sean still hung over her. Any first declaration would have to come from Ben.

She loved him! And she was almost certain that he loved her. Miss Morven had been entirely right. But still he had to declare it. Even just talking about his feelings would do. It would give her a chance to show what she felt.

It was hard. When Ben touched her by accident, Alice felt a thrill of excitement. It might be an arm round her back as she got out of his car or a hand resting just a second too long on her arm. And what made it harder was that sometimes she felt he was doing it on purpose. As if he couldn’t bear to let her move away from his touch.

When she visited him at his home she always kissed Fiona goodnight. Then later, when she left, sometimes Ben would kiss her goodnight. But they weren’t real kisses. Just pecks on the cheek such as he might give to anyone. How she wanted to throw her arms round him, instead of resting them lightly on his shoulders, wanted to turn her head so that he could feel her lips against his, her mouth opening under his, feel the full force of her passion.

Of their passion! There was so little sign of it. She was in love with Ben, but they were getting nowhere.

The crisis came a week later. She always had plenty of mail—most of it junk, to be thrown straight into the bin. But it still had to be sorted. Usually she went through it at her morning coffee-break.

She was on her own, happy in her work, enjoying her morning coffee. And there was a letter from the trust.
Technically her employer. Interesting. It looked an important letter.

Curious, she opened it, read through what it had to say, at first casually and then with increasing…increasing what? Alarm? Or excitement?

The secretary of the trust had written to her to say that the midwife whom Alice was replacing for a year had informed them that she would not be coming back to work. So a permanent job on the island was now vacant. The board felt that having three midwives in just over a year would not be a good thing and so they intended to advertise for a permanent candidate at once. A permanent candidate for her own job? Alice thought. But the letter went on to explain that, of course, when the permanent candidate took over her job, Alice would be relocated to another post for the rest of her contracted year. They had a post in mind for her. It would be a profitable move, there would be better conditions and an increase in salary.

Hands shaking, Alice put down the letter and poured herself another cup of coffee. She couldn’t believe what she was reading. Her life was being turned upside down, being wrecked. She was happy here, happier than she’d thought she could be. How could they do this to her?

She started to read again. The secretary said that it was a legal requirement that the full-time job on Soalay be advertised. However, if Alice chose to apply for the position then the secretary felt certain that the board would look favourably on her application. They knew she was doing an excellent job.

Alice saw through the cautious wording. The trust
wanted her for the permanent job here—it was hers if she wanted it. Did she?

For the rest of the morning she wasn’t sure what she did with herself. She had a visit to make, a clinic to run—and somehow she managed on autopilot. The question beat at her. What was she to do? Now she realised that she had been avoiding thinking about the future. She had been happy in her work, happy being close to Ben and Fiona, happy that her future was planned—she was leaving in a year’s time. But a year was a long time. There was no need to decide anything yet. She could change her mind. Or someone could change her mind for her.

Now she had been forced into a decision after less than two months. And she wasn’t ready yet! Did she want to stay or not? She had to make up her mind.

Perhaps it was a good thing but there was no chance of seeing Ben that day. He was spending the day giving a series of talks to the local school. But she knew when he was finishing, and when she knew he’d be free, she phoned him.

‘Ben, I’ve got a problem, May I come over and talk to you later?’

‘Of course you can.’ She could hear the concern in his voice and love for him flared inside her for a moment. He went on, ‘Anything serious? Anything I should know about now? Is it one of your or my patients?’

‘It’s not a patient. I don’t want to talk over the phone, it’s personal and I think we ought to be face to face.’

He paused before answering and there was a change in his tone when he spoke again. He sounded wary. ‘Personal? OK, Alice. Would you like to come to tea
with me and Fiona? Just something simple, I’m cooking. Mrs McCann is out for the evening.’

‘No. I’d like to come to see you when Fiona’s in bed. I’ve…got things to do before then. Well, things to consider.’

Another pause. ‘Right, then. I’ll see you when I see you.’ He rang off.

She hadn’t handled that very well, she thought.

She was going out to visit him only for an hour or so…she supposed. But she wanted to look her best. She felt that looking smart would add to her confidence—but what she had to be confident about, she didn’t know. Still, she put on dark trousers, a vaguely see-through blouse, a matching blue jacket that she knew suited her colouring. She read through the letter again, tucked it into her pocket and set off.

As she drove to Taighean dhe Gaoithe she remembered when she had come to stay with Ben. How she had been both shy and slightly frightened—but still wondering what her stay there might bring. Only a handful of weeks ago. How things had changed!

She looked at the colours of moors, sea and sky. She thought of them as quiet colours—if colours could have a noise. But the colours had grown on her. This land was her birthright, she wanted to stay here.

But how could she stay? Not on her own, that was certain. Her life had been half destroyed by Sean. She felt she had regained much of her former strength, but she wasn’t having it half destroyed again by another man who… What did he want?

She drove to the front of Taighean dhe Gaoithe, braking harder than usual and rattling the pebbles. Obviously Ben had been waiting for her as he appeared out of the front door at once. She felt that little jerk of excitement that always came when she saw him again. Even though it had been less than twenty-four hours since she’d seen him last. What was he doing to her?

As always, he had changed from his formal medical outfit and was now in a dark T-shirt and light chinos. He looked a picture of relaxation, looked wonderfully masculine and entirely… Stop it!

‘Alice? Is everything all right? I felt a bit worried after your call.’

His obvious concern only made things worse. But she managed a smile—although a brittle one—and said, ‘I’ve got a letter to show you. I need advice, I’m not sure what to do.’

Then a sudden terrible thought struck her. ‘You didn’t know about this, did you? Didn’t know and didn’t tell me—didn’t warn me? That would have been a betrayal!’

Mildly, he said, ‘Since I don’t know what’s in the letter, I can’t tell you. But I can say that I’ve not had any letter about you recently and nothing would make me betray you in any way. Come on in, we’ll have a drink and you can tell me all about it.’

I’m still not handling this well, she thought again.

She followed him into the living room, sat where she could look out to sea. She accepted the whisky and water that he brought her, sat there and tried to calm herself.

‘There’s no hurry,’ Ben said. ‘Take your time. I can see that you’re upset.’

He sat opposite her. For a moment she thought that he might sit next to her, reach out and stroke her hair. He had done it once or twice in the past. But he didn’t. Perhaps that was a good thing. She needed to be…not detached but neutral for a while.

When she felt she was calm she took out the letter and handed it to him. ‘I received this this morning,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure what to do about it.’

She watched him read the letter, frown and then read it again. ‘It’s a fair letter,’ he said after a moment. ‘I can understand the trust’s point of view, not wanting to change midwives three times in a year. And obviously they are trying to be very fair to you. There’s a big hint that the job is yours if you want it.’

‘So what do you think I should do?’

He sighed. ‘Well, I think that you’re a great midwife and children’s nurse, you’ve made a big impression here. We’d all be very sad to see you go. But you have your career to think of, and what the trust has offered would be a step upwards.’

‘So you think I should consider going in the interests of my career? Not consider applying for the full-time job here?’

He looked uncomfortable. ‘Alice, since you came here you’ve been insisting that this was only a temporary job. A chance to get your breath back, to recover from what was obviously a very painful experience. Didn’t you mean it?’

‘Oh, I meant it.’

She sipped her whisky, hoped that he wouldn’t notice her trembling hand. There was just one more thing she
could say and still hold onto her dignity. ‘Of course, you’re right. I only came here as a temporary measure. There isn’t really anything to keep me in Soalay, is there? I could easily leave at the end of the month.’

Her last hope. Now was when he could say that she had to stay, Soalay was now her home. He and Fiona needed her—there was no need of promises or plans for the future, just that she had to stay. She realised that this was why she had come, to hear those words.

But she didn’t hear them. There was a long pause. ‘We’d all be very sorry to see you go. But if you have to…’

So that was that. Her hopes, dreams, all smashed. In a remarkably casual voice she said, ‘So that’s settled. I’ll write this evening and say I’m willing to leave Soalay as quickly as the trust wants me to.’

When Ben spoke his voice was hoarse. ‘It’s not my place to offer advice, but I’d like to suggest that you don’t write at once. Wait a while. Give it a couple of weeks—that’s the time they’ve given you. Who knows what might happen to make you change your mind?’

‘I don’t think anything will happen to make me change my mind,’ she said, ‘but, yes, I’ll do as you say.’

She stood. ‘No need to see me out, Ben. I know the way. I’ll just pop my head round Fiona’s bedroom door to look at her.’ And she left him, closing the living room door on him.

Ben sat motionless in his chair, listening. He heard Alice’s footsteps, could trace where they went to Fiona’s bedroom, could imagine the door opening, perhaps even heard it creak. Silence for a moment and he pictured her
leaning over the little bed, knew that she would straighten the bedclothes, kiss his daughter on the forehead. Then more footsteps, the click of the front door closing. And an over-revved engine and the crunch of gravel as she drove away.

He sighed. A desolate thought struck him—this could have been the last time Alice ever visited Taighean dhe Gaoithe. After so many happy times—what a memory she must take away!

He reached for the whisky bottle, poured himself a generous measure. He took a sip—and then poured half the contents of the glass back into the bottle. No problem was ever eased by drinking too much. He had seen too many patients who thought that it could.

He knew why Alice had come, knew what she had been asking him. She wanted him to say that he needed her to stay. And he hadn’t said it. He had hurt Alice so much. Also he knew that without Alice around, Fiona would hurt too. And he was hurting himself—a detached part of his mind marvelled at how much he was hurting. What kind of fool would do something like this to himself?

It had been done delicately, but she had challenged him.
If you want me then you must ask me to stay.
Otherwise I will go
. That was typical of her. He knew how tough-minded she could be, how determined to sort out a problem no matter what the cost might be.

He hadn’t asked her to stay. Now he wondered if this had been cowardice on his part.

Had he made the right decision? Life with Alice could be so good, they could be a happy family of three—perhaps four or five in time. But then he remembered
Melissa, his first marriage. No way was he going to risk a repetition of that. Better to be cautious. Be safe rather than risk being sorry.

But he was giving up so much.

Alice drove home somehow but had no recollection of the trip the next morning. She had a bath, a warm drink and then went straight to bed. She slept at once. It had always been this way in the past. If there was too much emotion, too much strain, after a while the body just cut off. She needed to sleep.

She slept well but woke quite early in the morning. This often happened, she loved the screaming of the gulls and the light through her curtains. Mysteriously, she felt quite calm. She thought about her visit to Ben the night before. Had she made a fool of herself? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But whatever she had offered he had refused. He wouldn’t ask her to stay. Well, he was entitled to make up his own mind.