The Mill House (38 page)

'Oh Josh, that response alone ... Please tell me it's not why you went back to London early.'

'Of course it's not. I didn't even know she was back in the country ...'

'So she is there.'

'Yes, but . ..'

'And you've seen her.'

He didn't answer.

'Oh my God!' she gasped, putting a hand to her mouth as all her fears and suspicions started to explode.

'OK, I have seen her, but not in the way you're thinking.'

Her eyes were darting wildly around. She didn't want this to be happening. Somehow she had to make it stop ...

'I went round there to tell her it was over,' he was saying. 'She kept calling me, she wasn't listening ...'

'You could have told her on the phone,' she cried. 'You didn't have to see her. Oh my God, I can't believe what you're doing, Josh. Are you really so obsessed with her? Tell me now if you are ...'

'No! For Christ's sake, I've just told you, it's over.'

She tried desperately to believe him, but it just wasn't happening. 'Did you fuck her?' she heard herself say bitterly. 'While you were there, did you ... ?'

'I never laid a finger on her.'

She was shaking her head. 'You're lying.'

'I'm telling you the truth.'

'She won't let you go, will she? But maybe you
don't want her to.'

'Julia stop this. She knows it's over. I couldn't have made it any clearer, and she's out of my life
now.'

She lowered her head as though to escape the horror of the new realisation dawning in her mind. 'That's why you're angry with me, isn't it?' she said 'You still want her, and now you resent me for making you give her up.' 'That is just ridiculous,' he almost shouted. 'Ridiculous or not, it's true.' 'For Christ's sake, what do I have to say to convince you? I don't want her. I want you.'

She was staring at nothing, knowing she'd be wrong to believe him, yet almost desperate to, for everything would be so much easier if she could...

'Look, I have to go now,' he said, 'but I'll come at the weekend.'

She didn't protest, saying nothing as she rang off and turned to gaze at the mill wheel, going round in front of the window. She barely knew what she was thinking, or even feeling, beyond the dread of being drawn further and deeper into the pain of his betrayal. She'd thwarted his plan to go to New York, so unable to stand being apart any longer, Sylvia had flown back early, and he'd rushed up to London to be with her. She could feel herself almost buckling as she envisaged their passion at the moment they saw each other again, him sweeping her straight into bed, or taking her right there, against the wall. She knew Josh, the way he operated, and how he could make a

woman feel. A barrier of denial rose up around her mind, as though to block out the images, but she couldn't let them go.

'Revision can wait,' Shannon suddenly declared, bouncing back into the kitchen, 'let's look through some of those books, shall we, decide what we're going to cook tomorrow night.'

Julia turned to watch her as she carried a small pile over to the table and cleared a space.

'Do you think we should do pasta, or will he get enough of that at home?' Shannon was chattering on as she sorted through the books. 'It has to be something easy, whatever it is, because I'm definitely going to do this myself, and I want to impress him so he'll know he'll be getting a wife who's as good in the kitchen as she is in the bedroom.'

It took Julia a moment to realise a reaction was required, then registering what Shannon had said, she narrowed her eyes and treated her to a menacing look.

Shannon giggled delightedly, and moved up to make room as Julia went to sit down with her.

'You're incorrigible,' Julia told her, taking one of the books to start leafing through the recipes. She had to force herself to act normally now, because she desperately didn't want Shannon to know what was going on. It would break her heart to think that her father was involved with another woman, for she'd grown up with such a solid belief in her parents' love that it had never even entered her head to doubt it. Were she ever to find out about Sylvia, the foundations of her world would totally fall apart. She could well end up

hating him for being false and a hypocrite when he'd been so strict with her over romance and boyfriends while all the time he was betraying her mother...

Feeling a powerful need to protect her daughter, she slipped an arm around Shannon's shoulders and pressed her lips to her hair. She couldn't let anything hurt or damage her precious girl, particularly not while she was at such a vulnerable age. She must do everything she could to prevent it, she just wished Josh felt that way too. Once she would never have doubted it, but now she could only wonder how he could put his own sexual urges before his children, before everything they'd built together. All the lies, the deceit, the running after a woman who would only toss him aside when she was done with him - how could Josh have come to this?

Aware that her thoughts were starting to diminish him as a man, she tried to push them aside. She didn't want to despise or hate him, she wanted them to be as they always had, together, complete, trusting each other and above all loving each other. But this weakness for Sylvia, this inability to understand the pain it was going to cause to those he loved most, was making her question whether she could ever truly love or respect him again.

Three o'clock in the morning was a cruel time to be lying awake, remembering the mistakes she'd made, the people she'd hurt, and the damage she'd caused. Overwhelmed by it all, Alice could only clutch her bible and beg forgiveness from the good

Lord, who, in His mercy, had guarded their terrible secret all these years.

Since learning of Douglas's death she'd lived in morbid dread of it being revealed. Not a minute of the day passed when it wasn't there in her mind, burying itself deeper and deeper, entwining itself around her, like roots. Julia would never understand, which was why they'd never told her. It would have destroyed her young life, and would even now, were she to find out what they'd been hiding. Douglas would never have wanted that. Throughout all these years he hadn't attempted to tell her, so surely he wouldn't reveal in death what he'd been unable to communicate to her in life. It would be no easier for Julia to deal with now, in many ways it would be even harder.

Alice's eyes moved gingerly through the darkness, as though expecting to see his ghost. Was he there, watching her, accusing, damning, hating? But he'd agreed it was for the best, and how could he argue it? He'd had to leave, they'd had to make him go, for once the truth was out there was simply no way he could stay. He'd fought them, of course, but he couldn't win, they wouldn't allow it, and they'd done everything possible to help him start a new life. He'd refused it all, except the lawyers George had paid to defend him when times had become so hard he'd been unable to stop himself lashing out. She'd heard that he'd been questioned several times in connection with child sex offences, but she'd never wanted to learn the details. George knew them, because for years he'd kept a close eye on Douglas's comings and goings, until finally Douglas had seemed to settle down with a woman

in Cornwall and start rebuilding his life. Apparently he'd stayed there all this time, integrating with the community, probably barely even aware of all George had done. Alice was as thankful for that as she was for how simply Pam had accepted his desertion. It was only Julia who'd been unable to let go - and now, considering his will it seemed that Douglas had been unable to, either.

Hearing her bedroom door open, she closed her eyes and held on more tightly to the Good Book. There was the creak of a floorboard as George crossed the room, then the dip of the bed as he pulled back the sheets and slid in next to her. He was a stern man, principled and God-fearing, but with a kind and loving heart that Julia had never understood. He'd sensed his sister needed comfort in these darkest hours of the night, so he was here, holding her to him and lending her his strength, while sharing the terrible angst in her heart, the way he always had throughout their lives.

But there were so many lies, so much heartache and deception. How could God ever forgive any of them for what they'd done?

Just over two hundred miles away, Julia was unable to sleep either, as the thought of Josh and Sylvia, rushing back to London to be together, kept going round and round in her mind. Beside her on the bed were her father's notebooks and diaries. She'd been using them to distract herself with a search for answers she felt certain were there, but nothing had yielded itself up, and her concentration had been so poor as her mind constantly

struggled to return to the greatest source of her pain that in the end she'd set them aside and turned out the light.

Now she lay in the darkness, listening to the mill wheel swishing the water, and the call of night birds warbling through the woods. For a while she found herself thinking about her conversation with Rod Fuller earlier, and the feeling she'd had at the end that he'd kept something back. She regretted telling him now that Douglas Cowan was her father, for if she hadn't, she felt sure he'd have said more. Then, aware that the hour was starting to play its devilish tricks on her mind, she tried to move her thoughts elsewhere, but found no comfort in how quickly they returned to Josh. When she'd called after dinner his mother had told her he was out for the evening, and hadn't said where. Though it wasn't unusual for him to have dinner meetings when she wasn't around, how could she be anything other than suspicious now? However, when she'd called him, he had been at a restaurant, and the author he was with had spoken to her himself to say hi.

Trying to take reassurance from that, she turned over and pulled the sheet up around her face. She felt so weary, yet her mind remained restless, skipping from Josh, to her father, to her mother, to Shannon and Dan, to Fen ... Dinner had been fun this evening. Bob was back, and clearly in good spirits, though she could tell that Fen hadn't been able to help wondering where he'd really been. Knowing the torment of those feelings, her heart went out to her friend. How difficult, maybe even impossible, it was to rebuild love without trust. It

was like trying to create a life with no dreams.

As they'd eaten she'd been aware of Rico, but had been careful not to look at him, nor would she think about him now, for the idea of using him to punish Josh was the kind of insanity that only held good in the dead of night. Even so, she couldn't deny being attracted to him, for those moments in the kitchen earlier would make her a liar if she tried, though it baffled her that she could even think of another man that way when she was so afraid of losing Josh. But there was no fear of her going astray, because if she couldn't get it together with Josh, she certainly wouldn't be able to with anyone else.

Hearing the bedroom door open, she pushed back the covers, and made room for Shannon to cuddle in next to her. Whether she'd sensed her mother's need, or had come to gain comfort for her own, wasn't possible to say, for neither of them spoke. Julia guessed it was both, since she knew Shannon was worried that her mother wasn't seeming like herself, and hurt that Rico had hardly talked to her tonight. There had been a few tears on the way back through the woods, and a very long chat before Julia had turned out her light. Teenage crushes could be every bit as painful as adult angst, though mercifully much more shortlived, but since this was Shannon's first she was finding it particularly hard. It was such a pity the evening had been spoiled for her, because she'd been so excited to see Rico and so sure that he was becoming interested in her now. And she'd looked lovely, her naturally red mouth so full and

enticing, her flawless peachy skin so young and

smooth. How could Rico resist her? He must know how she felt, for she was too inexperienced to hide it, and too infatuated to care. Julia couldn't help wondering if one kiss between them would be so wrong, but knew she'd do nothing to encourage it, for Rico was a man, while Shannon was still a child.

Chapter Fourteen

The following morning Julia was back in the attic, hauling suitcases to the hatch ready to lower down the ladder. Shannon had vanished first thing for a tennis lesson, and from there she was going on to the supermarket with Ottie and Tilde to shop for this evening's dinner. It seemed last night's hiccup with Rico had been magically forgotten, since she'd been bubbling with excitement earlier as they'd jotted down her shopping list, having finally decided on something nice and simple so she could claim to have made it herself - though Julia had agreed to keep an eye on things while Shannon prepared herself for the big event. Quite what she was planning to wear Julia had yet to find out though if last night's outfit was anything to go by, it was probably a good thing Josh wasn't around, for he certainly wouldn't be happy about jeans that were so low-cut her hip bones showed. She'd looked pretty sensational though, and with her long slim legs, shining blonde hair and pert little breasts, Josh was very soon going to have to

accept the fact that she was growing up fast.

Julia had spoken to him about an hour ago, though only briefly for he'd had another call coming in, but at least they'd managed to have a reasonable conversation without him sounding defensive, or irritable, or her becoming suspicious or needy, or any of the negative emotions she was actually feeling. Nor had she found herself tormented by doubt after they'd rung off, though she was still extremely uneasy about his visit to Sylvia. However, since he was due to arrive tomorrow, when hopefully he could go at least some way to convincing her that nothing had happened and it really was over, she'd resigned herself to putting it all on hold until they could talk, in order to get on with things here. Just please don't let anything happen today to send my suspicions into overdrive again, she thought, because she was actually daring to, have high hopes for the weekend.