The Mill House (42 page)

'OK, everything's fine for this afternoon,' Robin declared, ringing off. 'They just want a couple hundred more books for you to sign, if you can bear it. I'll get onto it while you're working the magic in there.'

Sylvia's chill blue eyes sparkled, for she loved giving interviews, and being on such a high today, she was really looking forward to making a start. What a pity she couldn't mention anything about Josh yet. It would be quite a scoop for this particular show's host to be told that the famously single Sylvia Holland had finally met her man, but she'd need Josh's permission for that so, alas, it would have to wait. However, just for the sheer pleasure of it, she decided to run with the idea of going public for a while. She imagined what it would be like to tell the world how she felt, watching Josh as he dealt with the envy and admiration he would receive when the famously aloof author revealed she had finally fallen for him. The images and pride delighted her so much that she almost

laughed to think of how Robin would react once
he found out, not only for the publicity value, but because, like her, he'd never imagined her succumbing to the tired old temptation of wedded bliss. However, she was getting ahead of herself now, for though she'd love their first holiday to be a honeymoon, there was a considerable amount to sort out before that could happen, not least of all Josh's divorce. This hadn't even come up as a topic yet, never mind a possibility, so she really should start reining in her imagination now.

An hour later she was in the back of a chauffeur- driven Mercedes with Robin and wanting very much to laugh out loud, for he'd obviously been so tied up on the phone during her interview that he hadn't heard a word she'd said. But he would, tomorrow, when the programme was aired - and once again she fought the urge to laugh, for she could already hear his screech of disbelief, hotly followed by a reminder that as one of her closest friends, her publicist and chief guardian of secrets, he had an absolute right to know before anyone else who this amazing man was.

As Julia gazed down at the viscous green surface of the river she had no clear idea of why she was here, except it was a beautiful and tranquil place to be, in amongst the rushes, and sheltered from the sky by a vast canopy of red and gold branches.

It seemed so remote from the rest of the world, and after another dreadful row with Josh this morning, that was how she wanted to be, remote, separate, no longer attached to all the pain she had caused. Except in her heart she wanted to be with

him, in London, trying in some way to repair the damage, but he wouldn't allow it.

'You can't keep me from my children,' she'd shouted at him when he'd refused again to let her come home.

'As far as I'm concerned we play this Shannon's way,' he'd shouted back, 'and right now she doesn't want to see you.'

'But what about Dan? You can't tell me ...'

'Dan's fine. The minute he's not, I'll let you know.'

'Josh, don't ring off,' she'd cried, certain he'd been about to. 'We need to talk. We can't let everything fall apart like this.'

'What we need, Julia, is a break,' he said coldly.

'But for how long?'

'I don't know.'

She'd tried not to say it, but in the end it had just blurted from her. 'So that you can carry on seeing Sylvia?'

'Oh for Christ's sake.'

'Are you still seeing her?'

'If I am, I don't have to answer to you.'

'Yes you do,' she'd almost screamed. 'I'm your wife, whether you like it or not. And they're my children. Josh please, don't do this ... I'm sorry for what I did ...'

'I have to go,' he said, and cut her off.

Feeling the dampness of the air starting to seep through her clothes, she wrapped her coat more tightly around her and watched a rabbit skirting across the opposite bank. Apart from her, the wildlife and Rico, there wasn't another living soul around, and the only sounds were those of the trees

creaking birds twittering or squawking, or an
occasional splash as something plopped into the water. She'd been here once before, many years ago
with her father, after reading the book she'd loved above all others at the time, Frenchman's Creek. She'd wanted to see the place for herself and had secretly hoped to discover that Dona and her pirate lover were still there, even if only in ghost form now, fishing and building fires and sailing La Mouette into the sun. She remembered being so distraught at the end of the book that Dona hadn't gone with her Frenchman, that her father had encouraged her to write a small sequel, just for them, which would see Dona and her lover together again. So she had, and - not wanting to alter anything her idol Daphne du Maurier had set down - she'd made it so that Dona had given birth to her lover's child nine months after letting him go, and then her horrid fat slob of a husband was killed falling from a horse. Jean-Benoit Aubery, her dashing pirate lover who was a wealthy Frenchman really, was then able to marry her and take care of all her children, including his own.

What wouldn't she give to be able to write her way out of the heartache she was suffering now, making everything different and right again, with her father, with Josh, with Shannon? She wasn't sure what kind of story she would create, though her father would certainly still be alive, and Josh wouldn't be sleeping with another woman, and she wouldn't be standing in one of the most romantic spots she knew with a young man who had no place in her life, and for whom there was really no room in her heart.

Smiling as he slipped an arm around her, she leaned into his shoulder, and let him hold her as they turned to start back. Yesterday, after the probate officer had given her yet more bad news, Rico had driven her to Fowey to cheer her up, and had wanted to walk like this with her there, but she wouldn't allow it, not only because she didn't want to encourage him, but because she'd felt foolish, a woman her age with a man so young. However, in the privacy of the creek it was different, there was no-one to see them here, and she liked the feeling of warmth he gave her, but once they returned to the car she'd have to tell him that this kind of closeness must end now. The fact that she'd continued to make love with him after Shannon had gone was as mystifying to her as it was shaming, yet she didn't want to think of it that way, for she knew how much it had meant to him, and, in truth, it had meant a great deal to her too.

'Will you come to Italy with me?' he asked, as he drove them back to Shallard's Cross.

She turned to look at him and resisted the impulse to touch him. He'd asked her this question many times over the last few days, but only now was she seeing the similarity between her story and Dona's - neither of them could go with their foreign lovers because of their children. However, the similarity ended there, because she didn't love him the way Dona had loved her pirate, nor did she want to write a sequel that had him taking Josh's place.

'It is a very beautiful country, and we could be very happy there,' he told her, earnestly. 'I

will take care of you, and your children can come .

'You know it can't happen,' she said gently, 'but I'll always treasure the time we've had together.'

He looked so downcast as he said, 'It has been very special for me. The most special in all my life. I have never been in love before.'

Whether or not that was true she had no idea. If it were, the bitter irony of it wasn't escaping her, that she should be his first love, while he was her daughter's. 'If I don't go back to London yet,' she said, 'will you do something for me?'

'Of course, anything.'

She took a breath, knowing she wasn't going to say what he wanted to hear. 'Will you leave here and go back to Italy?'

He glanced over at her in confusion. 'With you?'

'No, not with me. Rico, you mean a great deal to me, but my children, my marriage... They have to come first, and while you're here ... It's not right, what we're doing.'

'But how can it be wrong when I love you?' he protested.

Knowing he already knew the answer to that, she turned to look at the passing countryside, and let her thoughts drift away from him to Josh. She presumed he'd be at the office now, but he could be at a meeting somewhere, or just finishing lunch with a client - or was he with Sylvia, using her to blot out the pain, the way she'd been using Rico? She had far more to fear from Sylvia than he did from Rico though, because he'd already proved how hard he'd found it to give her up, and remembering that Sylvia's new book was out tomorrow,

she wondered if there would be a party, and if there was, whether he'd go.

'I think,' Fen said later, 'if you do go rushing back to London now, you're likely to make things a whole lot worse. It needs time to settle, you all do, so I'm inclined to agree with Josh that you should stay here, at least for a few more days.'

Shuddering at the very idea of how bitter the scenes could be if she forced her way into the house now, Julia lowered her eyes to cover the pain. 'But the children are back at school,' she said after a while. 'I should be there for them.'

'Of course, but they're not babies any more, they can manage.'

It was true, thanks to Josh's mother they could, but it was tearing her apart to think of what Shannon was going through, and to know that there was nothing she could do to make it any better. 'Shannon won't speak to me, or answer my texts,' she confessed. 'I don't even know if she reads them, or if she even discusses it with Josh.'

Since Fen knew the whole story now, she was able to say, 'Obviously it was a shock, and a pretty profound one, but she'll get over it, I promise - and so will he. Once again, we're back to giving it time.'

Hoping with all her heart that Fen was right, Julia gazed down at the small fire she'd made in the kitchen hearth, and tried to think what to do next. 'If I do stay ...' She looked up at Fen. 'I've asked Rico to leave.'

Fen nodded reassuringly. 'That's probably a good idea,' she said. 'He's clearly besotted with you, which we've all known from the beginning,

but as big a confidence boost as it might be, it's
not the kind of complication you need right now.'

How right she was, Julia thought, and sighing she pushed her hands through her hair. 'I've been getting these awful feelings of panic,' she said. 'Sometimes I feel so convinced I'm going to lose him, and the children, and everything we have that I just want to scream and scream to blot it all out. It's reminding me of how I felt when my father left, utterly desperate and needy and terrified I'd never see him again. I know that's not going to happen here, because obviously they're not all just going to disappear, but I remember the biggest fear I had when my father went was that he'd never really loved me at all, that it was just a pretence.'

Her eyes moved briefly to Fen's, and seeing how intently she was listening, she smiled weakly. 'I think that's what started happening with Josh,' she said, 'that as time went on, I became more and more convinced that he didn't really love me either, and that sooner or later he would leave me too, so to protect myself I started to withdraw.' She was shaking her head, as though baffled by the disconnect with her own psyche. 'I guess you could say that on some unconscious level I was actually making it happen,' she said, and gave a dry empty laugh. 'It seems I'm succeeding pretty well, wouldn't you say?'

Fen was smiling. 'Only in understanding what you're doing, not in pushing your family away. They love you too much to allow you to do that.'

'The children, maybe, I'm just not sure about Josh I think he's fallen much harder for Sylvia than he's admitting, or maybe even realises ...'

'You don't know that,' Fen chided, 'and actually the evidence isn't bearing it out at all, because before all this happened, didn't he tell you he'd ended it with her?'

Julia's eyes reflected the irony in her tone as she
said, 'Considering the circumstances he probably doesn't see why he should give her up, and besides, I don't know for certain that he did.'

'But all he's said is that you need a break, not that he doesn't want you back, and you have to agree, it's not such a bad idea, because while you're feeling this afraid and insecure you'd probably end up stifling him.'

Julia nodded slowly as she considered that, and let her eyes drift off to the middle distance.

'You know what I think?' Fen said. 'I think there's a strange sort of serendipity going on here, that it should be your father who's providing you with sanctuary while you sort yourself out.'

Julia smiled. 'It's a nice thought,' she said. 'And God knows I need to do that - and where else would I go?' Then, after a pause, 'I have to be honest though, I don't think I can face going through any more of his things just yet. There's so much else going on with Josh and Shannon ...'

'There's no rush,' Fen reminded her. 'It's your house now. It all belongs to you, so you can go back to it whenever you feel ready.'

'I wish that were true,' Julia responded grimly, 'but now I know what the inheritance tax is going to be, I'll probably have to sell.'

'Surely it won't come to that?'

'It's over eighty thousand pounds, and the only

way I can afford that is either to sell the house or
to ask Josh for the money.'

'Have you mentioned it to him?' 'Not yet, because right now the most likely answer will either be a resounding no, or yes, but as part of a divorce settlement. Anyway, I don't even want to think about it, I just need to work out how I'm going to sort out the unholy mess my life is in, and get Hamish Kincaid's manuscript back to him by the end of the month.' 'That soon? Have you made a start yet?' Julia almost laughed. 'I haven't even opened the parcel,' she admitted, 'but don't for God's sake tell him that, because he's called twice in the last few days wanting to know how I'm getting on.' 'So what are you telling him?' 'I explained that I was prevented from making an early start by my father's death, which he grudgingly accepted, and now he's waiting to hear back from me after I've completed the first read.' 'Which will be when?'