The Mind Connection: How the Thoughts You Choose Affect Your Mood, Behavior, and Decisions (9 page)

When you are offended and participating in strife, it is wise to examine your thoughts. If you find that you are justifying having a bad attitude, I encourage you to realize that justifying any bad behavior that the Word of God condemns is a dangerous thing. It keeps us deceived and unable to take ownership of our faults. Nobody enjoys saying, “I was wrong—please forgive me,” but it is one of the most powerful six-word sentences in the world. It brings peace to turmoil; joy replaces frustration and misery and puts a smile on God’s face. He is delighted when we follow His ways instead of our own carnal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

God has changed me dramatically over the course of my life and ministry, and I expect that He will continue doing so. But in every instance, I have been required to face a truth about myself that ended up making me free. If we continue in His Word, we will know the truth and the truth will make us free (see John 8:31–32). Self-justification is dangerous because it prevents us from seeing what God wants us to see in order for things to be better in our lives.

When I attempt to justify myself, I always find an excuse for my bad behavior. I know the behavior is wrong, and I would more than likely condemn it in someone else, but I have given myself a free pass. The apostle Paul said that we judge others for what we do (see Romans 2:1). The only way that is possible is if we justify our behavior in our own thinking by finding an excuse for why we do it. We excuse ourselves, but for others, we may think there is no excuse! For example, I might think there is no excuse for Dave to be irritable with me, and I tell him so fervently. But if I am irritable with him and he confronts me, I might excuse myself by saying that I don’t feel well or that I have had a
rough day. If we would be as merciful with others as we are with ourselves, I am sure that everyone would feel more loved.

The message in this chapter is very simple: If you want friends, be the kind of person that other people want to be around. If you realize that you are rather negative or that you have let the disappointments of life sour your attitude, ask God to start changing you. Facing truth is the doorway to freedom!

Think about this: Do you have friends who help you be a better person, and are you the kind of person you would want to be friends with, or would you stay away from someone like you? How can you be a better friend? Are you the source of strife in any situation? If you need to make a change, then make a change quickly. Thank God we can always change! Facing truth and changing accordingly is what a wise person does. A foolish one avoids truth and justifies his behavior even though God has judged it in His Word.

• Negative people have a negative, joy-draining effect on others.

• Give away what you hope to receive—hope, encouragement, joy, and laughter.

• Look at life like a wheel and realize that what you put on the wheel comes back around to you eventually.

• Be the kind of person that others want to be around.

I can say without hesitation that learning the power of thoughts and how they are connected to every other area of my life was, and still is, amazing to me. They not only affect how we talk to others, but also how we talk to ourselves. And maintaining proper self-talk affects us in every aspect of our lives.

It is God’s will that you love yourself in a healthy, balanced way. If you dislike and disrespect yourself, your self-talk will be negative and devastating to your spiritual growth and progress in spiritual maturity. We don’t need to be in love with ourselves or be the center of our universe, but we must maintain a healthy self-image. This is only possible by knowing the love of God personally, as well as His grace, forgiveness, mercy, and long-suffering kindness. We can love ourselves because God loves us! We may not, and probably should not, love everything we do, because we all sin and come short of God’s perfect standard. But we can love the person God has created us to be, the one we are always in the process of becoming through Christ.

How we talk to ourselves about ourselves is vitally important to our own self-image as well as to how we relate to other people. We all talk to ourselves about ourselves, but some people have
never learned just how much their own thoughts influence how they feel about themselves and how important it is to every other area of their lives. Do you like yourself? One of the most important things I have learned during my journey with God is that I cannot have good relationships with anyone else if I don’t have a good relationship with myself. Here, we plainly see the mind connection. My thoughts about me are connected to my thoughts and attitudes toward others.

If I am harsh, hard and legalistic, critical and condemning with myself, then I will be the same way with other people. Some people expect more of themselves than they can possibly achieve and, by doing so, they put terrible pressure on themselves. If we do that to ourselves, we will usually do the same thing to other people.

A mother who is a perfectionist will not only expect perfection from herself, but also she will expect and demand it from her children. A young mother who has perfectionist tendencies told me this story:

If we take the time to do it, we can almost always connect wrong behavior to some type of wrong thinking.

What types of things do you think when your behavior is less than perfect? If you make a mistake, are your thoughts,
I am not what I should be; I am a bad person
? Or do you think,
I am sorry I made a mistake, but I am grateful for God’s mercy that is new every morning
?

God doesn’t want us to live under the tyranny of unrealistic expectations. He does not want us to be pressured, but He desires that we receive mercy for our failures. As human beings, we will make mistakes and probably make them every day. Jesus came for those who are needy, imperfect, and weak. He came to help, to rescue, to deliver, and to save.

If we could manifest perfection, we would not need a savior. We do have weaknesses, but we do not need to hate ourselves because of them. We should give other people who are imperfect the same mercy that God gives us. Don’t reject people because they don’t meet an unrealistic standard that you have set for them.

It is widely known today that many people have eating disorders, self-mutilation problems, and addictions of all types, and they even attempt suicide because they feel that the pressure of other people’s expectations is just too much. Perhaps their parents
or teachers are never quite satisfied with their grades in school, or their performance in sports, or how they keep their rooms, or their personal appearance. Let’s be merciful with others, and ourselves, in the same way that God is merciful and long-suffering with us.

How can we determine if we are too hard on ourselves or other people? It is quite simple. How often do we become upset with ourselves, and ultimately other people, because our performance is less than stellar? Do you demand sacrifices from yourself or others as payment for past mistakes? I spent years sacrificing my joy to pay for my mistakes. I can safely say that I was mad at myself most of the time for something I felt I was doing or wasn’t doing. I thought I had no right to enjoy life because of my faults, but thankfully, I finally learned that Jesus offers me good things I don’t deserve, and I don’t have to pay for my sins because He has satisfied the debt I owed through offering Himself. When I stopped trying to make myself pay for my mistakes, I found it much easier to stop trying to make others pay for their mistakes.

I spent most of the first twenty years of my marriage to Dave upset about something that either he or the children weren’t doing. When I realized how bad my behavior was toward them, I wanted to change, but I couldn’t until I figured out I was typically upset with myself as well. We can give to others only what we have inside of us. How I think of myself is how I will think of
others, and the attitude I have toward myself is what I will pass along to my family and friends. If I don’t know how to receive forgiveness and mercy, I won’t give it to other people, and if I pressure myself to perform perfectly, I will do the same thing to people I associate with.

Anyone can immediately relieve pressure from their lives by deciding to take a different attitude toward their own weaknesses and faults, as well as those of other people.

When I finally did learn to be more merciful with myself and other people, it did relieve a lot of pressure and frustration in my life. Going through life demanding something that is impossible to ever have is a setup for never-ending misery.

It took me many years to learn to receive God’s mercy simply because I was never given any while I was a child, but once I began to recognize and receive the mercy of God, I became a much happier person. My relationships improved because people want to be in a relationship with those who love and accept them without pressuring them to be something they don’t know how to be.

There are several reasons why people find it difficult to receive mercy. I’ve listed a few of them below. See if any of these have affected your life.

If you recognize any of these “mercy stoppers” in your life, you can ask God to help you overcome them so you can receive the mercy He so freely gives. When you begin to think right about the mercy of God in your life, it will change the way you see yourself. For example, let’s look at the last item in our list…

It wasn’t fair for Jesus to take our sin upon Him and be punished for what others had done wrong, but He did it. Life isn’t fair, but God is just, and there is a huge difference between the two. Life may not treat everyone fairly, but you can trust that God will always bring justice. He will reward us for everything we do that is done in obedience to Him, even if we don’t understand why He is asking us to do it.

It didn’t seem fair for God to require me to totally forgive my father, who sexually abused me, and even go to the extreme of taking care of him in his old age, but God has blessed me greatly for doing so. When I realized how much God forgives me every day, I realized His abundant mercy toward me; in turn, I was able to show mercy and forgiveness to my father. It will be much easier for you to be merciful with others once you are fully aware of how much mercy God offers to you. Mercy cannot be earned, or otherwise it would not be mercy. Mercy can be received only with gratitude! I recommend spending a few minutes every day in thought about how merciful God is to you, and then plan to be merciful to others as you go through your day.
We can prepare ourselves for right action through practicing right thinking on purpose.

Are you kind to yourself? Do you say nice things to you about yourself, or are you more inclined to meditate on all of your faults? If we want to walk with God, we need to learn to think like God thinks. What does God think of you? He thinks you are awesome and that you have great possibilities. He is not blind to our faults, but He looks at them in light of our entire life and not just one event in which we didn’t behave well. If you love God, that is the most important thing to Him, and love covers a multitude of sins (see 1 Peter 4:8). Don’t focus on all your faults, because God doesn’t. I can assure you that there is more right with you than there is wrong, but perhaps you have never taken the time to see it.

Here are some things that God says about you in His Word:

It seems that it is more natural for us to think about what is wrong with us instead of what is right with us. As believers in Jesus Christ, we are frequently warned in Scripture about the dangers of pride, which is thinking that we are more important,
or better, than other people. However, we can realize that we are important to God and His overall plan for mankind without thinking we are better than other people. We are new creatures in Him, and we need to think of ourselves accordingly.

Even recently God reminded me to believe that it is His will for me to think good things about myself instead of merely seeing my faults. I never want to ignore my faults, or not take ownership of and responsibility for them. But at the same time, if that is all I think of, I will become negative and discouraged about myself, and my improper self-talk and self-image will reflect on all my other relationships. God views us as being right with Him through Jesus Christ. He sees us and thinks of us as being in Christ, and we should learn to do the same thing. In ourselves, we are nothing of any value, and we can do very little right, but “in Christ,” we are amazing people who have been re-created in Christ Jesus. We are born anew that we may do the good works that He has prearranged and made ready for us, that we may live the good life Jesus died for us to have (see Ephesians 2:10). God wants us to see ourselves the way He does! He wants us to have a good life!

God has provided a good life for us, but our minds and attitudes must be completely renewed if we want to actually see it in our daily lives. One of the most important verses of Scripture for us to understand regarding our thoughts is Romans 12:2:

I was a Christian for at least twenty years before I ever even heard this Scripture or had any idea that my thoughts mattered at all. I certainly had no idea that I had a choice about what I thought and that my mind was indeed connected to my words, attitudes, and behavior. I think I can say that my relationship with God never moved beyond a kindergarten level until I understood the power of thoughts and words. Perhaps this is new to you too, and if it is, then you are embarking on a new beginning that will be truly amazing as you follow through. I know for me, the understanding of the mind connection was one of the biggest breakthroughs in my spiritual life.

Developing a good relationship with yourself will help you in many ways. You spend every moment of your life with “you,” so it stands to reason that if you don’t like you, then you will be unhappy. With God’s help, not only can you think better thoughts about yourself, but you can also take the time to do things for yourself that you enjoy. God wants us to help others and be available for a wide variety of good works that He has planned; however, if you never take the time to do anything for yourself, you will quickly become burned out from always giving and never receiving. You will begin to feel like people take advantage of you, but that wrong attitude can be avoided by simply taking time to do things that you enjoy, along with doing things for other people.

We often wait for other people to do things for us and it’s nice when they do, but even if they don’t, we can still do things for ourselves in order to maintain a balanced, healthy emotional life. When you feel worn out and taken advantage of, you can go to
Jesus for advice and you may hear Him say, “Take the day off and do something you enjoy.”

If you treat yourself better in your thoughts and your actions, I can assure you that you will begin to treat others better also. What goes on
in
us is what comes
out
of us, in words, attitudes, and behaviors. Instead of just being irritated because your life is out of balance, do something to change it. It is your life, and God expects you to manage it wisely!