The Mopwater Files (7 page)

Chapter Twelve: Caution: Scary Ending

A
s the minutes dragged by, I began to suspect that Madame Moonshine wasn't thinking about my problem; she had totally checked out and gone to sleep. I got a clue from the fact that she snored.

“Madame? Madame Moonshine? I don't want to rush you, but I'm operating on a deadline. Madame, wake up.”

Her eyes popped open. She stared at me and blinked. “You are in my cave.”

“Yes ma'am, I realize that.”

“Were you invited? And where is Timothy?”

“Yes, I was invited, and the last time we saw Tim, he was tied to a tree. The coyotes, remember?”

“Oh yes. It's coming back.” She yawned. “And I have found the solution to your problem. It's so simple, I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.” She closed her eyes and raised her wings. “The universe is composed of three basic elements: rock, paper, and scissors.”

“I thought the elements were fire, water, and . . . something else. Milk? No, cornmeal. I don't remember.”

“No. Rock, paper, and scissors. Rock is hard and can break scissors. Scissors are sharp and can cut paper. Paper is obscurative and can cover rock. Which is the strongest of the three elements?”

“Well, I . . . I really don't know. But what does this have to do with . . .”

“It has everything to do with everything, oh Rabbity Hank. It means that all things are strong, but all things are weak. Rufus is a rock. If you are a scissor, he will break you. So you must be . . . what?”

I puzzled over the answer. “A bigger rock? A sludge hammer? I don't know, Madame.”

Her eyes flew open. “Paper, you ninny. You must attack him with your strength. Cover rock with paper. Attack the large with the small.”

And then she dropped her voice to a whisper and told me the secret for winning the fight.

You'd probably like to know the secret, wouldn't you? Ha, ha. Not yet. Be patient. We have to wait and see if it worked.

My next problem was getting out of there. Madame wanted to keep me for the rest of the sum­­mer, if you recall, because she was getting bored with her roots and snakes, I suppose. It took me several minutes of hard talking to convince her that I had a steady job and really needed to be going.

She walked me to the mouth of the cave. “And I suppose this is good-bye, Rabbity Hank. Will you come see me again sometime?”

“Sure, Madame, especially if your trick works and I survive the fight with Rufus. I'm still a little concerned about that.”

“Oh piffle. Of course it will work. It's based upon universal principals. But just in case, I wish you luck.”

“Thanks, Madame. See you around—I hope.”

And with that, I left her there, waving her wing. I walked past the tree where . . . yikes, I almost walked into Big Tim. He had worked himself loose and was sulking in a big coil on the ground. I made a wide detour around him, set my course to the east, and headed down the creek.

I arrived at the appointed hill on time, and with a few minutes to spare. Plato and Beulah had been watching for me, and when they saw me on the hill, they came at a run.

Plato was the first to speak. “Hank, by golly, we weren't sure you'd make it, and to be honest, Beulah and I were hoping you wouldn't. It's just too risky, Hank. It's not worth it. We've put up with Rufus for a long time and surely we can stand it a while longer.”

Beulah nodded. “Plato's right. It's not your problem, Hank, and if anything happened to you . . .”

“What Beulah's trying to say, if I may intrude here, is that we would be upset, Hank, very upset if . . . I mean, we appreciate your concern but . . . Hank, that dog is a killer. I know you're a pretty skilled fighter, but this guy is a professional thug. Call it off, Hank. Go home. Save yourself for another day.”

Beulah nodded. “We'll understand.”

I looked past them and saw . . . gulp . . . a huge Doberman pinscher coming up the hill. His little green eyes were sparkling and he wore a toothy smile.

“Sorry, but I started this thing and I've got to finish it.”

Plato shook his head and walked a few steps away. “I knew it. Beulah, I told you he wouldn't listen to reason. Pride, that's what it is, just stubborn pride.”

By that time I could hear Rufus's footsteps. Boom, boom, boom. I looked into Beulah's eyes. They were pleading and lovely and . . . and then Rufus stepped between us.

He pushed her out of the way. I swallowed down my fear and beamed him the sternest gaze I could come up with. “Rufus, I've already warned you about being rude to the ladies. I guess you didn't listen.”

“Ha, ha, ha. I guess I didn't, bozo, and so what? I don't listen to you or anyone else.” He squared his shoulders. “Are you sure you want this? 'Cause I ain't going to show any mercy.”

“Good. Neither am I. Let's get started.”

Plato and Beulah gasped and turned away. Rufus lowered himself into a crouch and began circling me. What did I do? I engaged the Madame Moonshine Strategy, and you're probably wondering what it was.

Heh, heh. It was very simple and very sneaky. Remember what she told me? “Attack the large with the small.” Remember her trained fleas? Before I left her cave, she loaded them on my back, with orders to attack the nearest warm object when I gave the command word—“Tallyho!”

And that's just what I did. All at once my back came alive as two combat divisions of hungry fleas went on the attack. In a matter of seconds they had hopped to the ground and then onto Rufus.

He was still circling me, grinning, growling, sneering, glaring, and preparing to launch his first piledriver attack. Then, all at once, his eyes blanked out. He stopped, sat down, and began scratching his ear with a hind leg.

“Hey Rufus, what's the deal? I thought this was a fight.”

“Shut up, moron, I've got to scratch. Don't leave.” He scratched, stood up, and faced me again . . . then let out a squawl and started biting at a flea on his tail section. “I'll be with you in just a . . . gadzooks, these fleas are killin' me!”

“Hey Rufus, when you get tired of scratching fleas, let's talk. See, I'm the the one who brought them, and I'm the only one who can call 'em off.”

He snarled at me. “Why you . . . EEEE-YOW!” All at once he was spinning in circles. This must have gone on for several minutes. Beulah and Plato turned around and began watching. And then laughing.

At last Rufus had had enough. He had chased his tail so long and hard that he was worn out. “Okay, okay. Call 'em off, I give.”

“Fleas, halt.” The instant the fleas stopped biting, Rufus bared his fangs and jumped me—which gave me a little preview of how the fight would have gone without the fleas. In two seconds, he had me laid out on the ground and was sitting on me.

“Okay, smart guy, now you'll pay!”

I saw his lips rise and his shark jaws open wide.

“Fleas, tallyho! Tallyho, and don't spare the horses!”

They must have stuck him pretty hard, be­cause all at once he was rooting around in the dirt—chasing fleas and screaming for me to call them off.

I got up off the ground. “Fleas, halt!” They halted and Rufus stopped scratching. Panting for breath, he looked at me with weary eyes.

“Okay, cowdog, you win, but you had to cheat to do it.”

“Call it what you will, Rufus, but the result is that you're going to be a better dog. See, I'm leaving the fleas with you. They're going to be your conscience. They have been programmed and trained to attack at the first sign of rude behavior. What do you think of that?”

“Oh swell. I always wanted to be,” he curled his lip, “a good dog. What a drag.”

“You'll get used to it, and when you do, the fleas will return to Madame Moonshine—who, by the way, was the brains behind this deal.”

“I never heard of her, but if I ever get my paws on her, I'll . . .” The fleas stuck him. He gritted his teeth until they stopped biting. “I'll tell her . . . thank you.”

“How sweet.”

“Yeah. My ma would be proud, even if I ain't.” He heaved a sigh and started walking back to Billy's house. “What a lousy punishment. I've got to be good for the rest of my life. I ain't sure I can stand myself.”

When he was gone, I found myself looking into Beulah's adoring gaze. “Oh Hank!” She flew into the middle of me and engulferated me with hugs and kisses. “You were so noble and heroic! How can we ever repay you?”

I was about to suggest that she could start by ditching her bird dog boyfriend, but he was right there in my face, pumping my arm and slapping me on the back.

“By golly, Hank, what a triumph! Using trained fleas. Now, that was clever. Who would have thought of that? Nice work, by golly, nice work.”

He shouldn't have done all that pumping and slapping. It must have jiggled my innards and stirred things up in my . . . there was Beulah, standing next to me, with the light of love shining in her eyes, within my grisp and grasp, and all I could think about was . . .

Burp.

I looked into her lovely face and saw . . . MOP­WATER. She had become a dirty mop and I couldn't stand the sight of her, and fellers, I was so sick I had to get out of there!

And now you know why The Mopwater Files must remain Top Secret, and why I can never tell you this story. It's just too sad and tragic.

Sorry. Case closed.

You can leave now. And don't drink any mopwater. I was sick for three days.

How can that bird dog be so lucky?

Further Reading

Have you read all of Hank's adventures?

1
The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog

2
The Further Adventures of Hank the Cowdog

3
It's a Dog's Life

4
Murder in the Middle Pasture

5
Faded Love

6
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

7
The Curse of the Incredible Priceless Corncob

8
The Case of the One-Eyed Killer Stud Horse

9
The Case of the Halloween Ghost

1
0
Every Dog Has His Day

1
1
Lost in the Dark Unchanted Forest

1
2
The Case of the Fiddle-Playing Fox

1
3
The Wounded Buzzard on Christmas Eve

1
4
Hank the Cowdog and Monkey Business

1
5
The Case of the Missing Cat

1
6
Lost in the Blinded Blizzard

1
7
The Case of the Car-Barkaholic Dog

1
8
The Case of the Hooking Bull

1
9
The Case of the Midnight Rustler

20
The Phantom in the Mirror

21
The Case of the Vampire Cat

22
The Case of the Double Bumblebee Sting

23
Moonlight Madness

24
The Case of the Black-Hooded Hangmans

25
The Case of the Swirling Killer Tornado

26
The Case of the Kidnapped Collie

27
The Case of the Night-Stalking Bone Monster

28
The Mopwater Files

29
The Case of the Vampire Vacuum Sweeper

30
The Case of the Haystack Kitties

31
The Case of the Vanishing Fishhook

32
The Garbage Monster from Outer Space

33
The Case of the Measled Cowboy

34
Slim's Good-bye

35
The Case of the Saddle House Robbery

36
The Case of the Raging Rottweiler

37
The Case of the Deadly Ha-Ha Game

38
The Fling

39
The Secret Laundry Monster Files

40
The Case of the Missing Bird Dog

41
The Case of the Shipwrecked Tree

42
The Case of the Burrowing Robot

43
The Case of the Twisted Kitty

44
The Dungeon of Doom

45
The Case of the Falling Sky

46
The Case of the Tricky Trap

47
The Case of the Tender Cheeping Chickies

48
The Case of the Monkey Burglar

49
The Case of the Booby-Trapped Pickup

50
The Case of the Most Ancient Bone

51
The Case of the Blazing Sky

52
The Quest for the Great White Quail

53
Drover's Secret Life

54
The Case of the Dinosaur Birds

55
The Case of the Secret Weapon

56
The Case of the Coyote Invasion

57
The Disappearance of Drover

58
The Case of the Mysterious Voice

59
The Case of the Perfect Dog

60
The Big Question

61
The Case of the Prowling Bear