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Authors: R. A. Spratt

Tags: #Children's Fiction

The Nanny Piggins Guide to Conquering Christmas (3 page)

BOOK: The Nanny Piggins Guide to Conquering Christmas
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‘Plus Christmas is only seven days away. Don’t you have work you should be doing?’ demanded Nanny Piggins. ‘How can you justify gadding about here, overcharging children for snapshots while your poor elves back at the North Pole slave away making toys for the 1.7 billion children who live on this planet?’

‘What did she say?’ asked Santa. (He was a little hard of hearing, probably because of all the beard hair blocking his ears.)

‘What’s going on here then,’ asked the senior security guard as he arrived at the entrance to the grotto.

‘It’s her,’ declared the elf, pointing accusingly at Nanny Piggins. ‘This pig is creating a disturbance.’

‘Pig?’ asked the security guard as he made his way through the tightly packed crowd of disaffected photography clients. When he got to the front he saw Nanny Piggins for the first time. ‘Nanny Piggins, you’re back. How are you?’

‘Stephen, how lovely to see you, darling,’ said Nanny Piggins as she held out her trotter and allowed him to kiss it.

‘You’ve stayed away too long,’ said the security guard, waggling his finger at Nanny Piggins. ‘It’s months since I’ve had to throw you out.’

‘I know,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘I would come more often if your baker would sharpen up his ideas about how to make choux pastry.’

‘So, how are we going to handle this?’ asked Stephen the security guard. ‘May I escort you to the bus stop or do you want to wrestle a bit first? I have to say I’d prefer not to do any wrestling today. I strained my back yesterday dragging a bear out of the honey aisle of the supermarket.’

Nanny Piggins turned on her brother. ‘Boris, you didn’t tell me you came to the shopping centre yesterday.’

‘I was ashamed,’ said Boris.

‘About being dragged out of the honey aisle for creating a disturbance?’ guessed Derrick.

‘No, I forgot to pick up some free samples from the bakery for Nanny Piggins,’ confessed Boris.

‘I forgive you,’ said Nanny Piggins kindly as she gave her brother an affectionate hug. ‘I know honey makes you brain-addled. It is the bees’ fault for making their regurgitation so delicious. All right, Stephen,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Today I shall agree to be escorted, provided that means I get a ride on your electric golf cart.’

‘Of course,’ said Stephen the security guard, offering Nanny Piggins his arm. ‘I may only be a security guard at a mall, but I know how to treat a lady.’

The crowd parted as Nanny Piggins was led away. But before she stepped out of the grotto Nanny Piggins turned back to address the elf. ‘Don’t think you have evaded my wrath. I may be making a strategic retreat now for the sake of Stephen’s bad back, but I fully intend to return and crush your seasonal money-gouging operation.’

‘Are you threatening me?’ accused the elf.

‘Yes, I am. I’m glad you caught on so quickly,’ said Nanny Piggins, before leaning round the elf to address Santa as well. ‘And don’t think I’m letting you off just because you’re old and you give out toys. I’m busting up this racket of yours and sending you back to the North Pole where you can concentrate on making toys and spending the holiday season with your wife like you should.’

The crowd cheered.

‘Anyone who wants to have a good Santa photo taken,’ announced Nanny Piggins, ‘can meet me in the car park at 10 am tomorrow morning and, unlike a certain weak-bladdered old man, when I say I will be there at ten o’clock I will be there at ten o’clock, and there will be no excuses about “feeding reindeer”.’

And so the following morning Nanny Piggins set up a photography studio in the car park of the shopping centre. Then she had to move it across the street to a vacant lot, when Stephen the security guard was sent out to throw her off the premises.

Regardless of the weeds, empty tin cans and general waste strewn about, Nanny Piggins’ Santa Photography Business was soon a roaring success. For a start she was much more photogenic than an elderly overweight man in a Santa suit. She had her suit fitted and tailored by one of the finest fashion designers in Milan. (He owed Nanny Piggins a favour after she bit his mother-in-law on the leg for him once.) And Nanny Piggins had a much more creative flare for photography than the 23-year-old university students the shopping centre had hired cheaply. There is a lot more to photography than knowing how to point and focus a camera.

First of all, never underestimate the importance of good lighting. The brighter the light, the less blotchy or wrinkly people appear. As Nanny Piggins said, ‘If the Queen of England were to have her photo taken standing five metres away from the glare of a super-nova, even she would look like the beautiful young woman who first appeared on the back of a coin in 1956.’

The next most important thing is choosing the right pose. When it comes down to it, sitting on someone’s lap is a very odd decision indeed. ‘Encouraging children to sit on a strange man’s lap just because he breaks into their house once a year and gives them presents is a very inappropriate message to send to children,’ said Nanny Piggins.

Nanny Piggins’ Santa photos were much more dramatic. Children could choose between wrestling with Santa (her personal favourite – she’d had a bright red, fur-trimmed wrestling leotard made up specially), being attacked by ninjas while reading your present list to Santa, helping Santa deactivate a nuclear bomb, or trying to outrun Santa as you are attacked by a bear (Boris). All the alternatives were very popular with children. Indeed, several came back to pose for one of each. One three-year-old girl enjoyed being attacked by Boris so much she kept giggling and trying to hug him, which, of course, he enjoyed tremendously as well.

Nanny Piggins soon had a huge queue of customers lining up around the block. And not just because they wanted to have their photograph taken. The customers actually enjoyed waiting in line because Nanny Piggins provided unlimited supplies of cake and hot chocolate, and every fifteen minutes she and Boris would stop taking photos to perform a two-minute version of the
Nutcracker
ballet, with added violence so boys could enjoy it too.

By two o’clock in the afternoon the general manager of the shopping centre had come across the road with the impertinent elf and Stephen the security guard to talk to Nanny Piggins. Naturally Nanny Piggins made them join the end of the line and pay for a photograph. (She only charged $1 per photo. She made no profit, but only needed to cover the price of the cake ingredients.)

‘Please, you have to put an end to this,’ pleaded the manager as the camera flash went off and he wrestled with Nanny Piggins. (Normally she just pretended to wrestle with the children, but she was really twisting the manager into a cobra lock.)

‘Why should I?’ asked Nanny Piggins, yanking his arm around behind his ear and jabbing her trotter in a painful pressure point. ‘It’s not my fault I am brilliant at photography and much better at being Santa than Santa himself.’

‘But there’s nobody in the shopping centre,’ said the manager. ‘Think of all the shopkeepers who aren’t making any money.’

‘Pish!’ scoffed Nanny Piggins. ‘Christmas shouldn’t be about making money. It should be about overeating and judging people when they give you unpleasant presents such as underwear or books.’

‘But if the shopkeepers don’t make any money they won’t be able to support their families,’ argued the manager.

‘Piffle,’ countered Nanny Piggins. ‘Marjorie from the sock shop has come over to have her photo taken three times already, although I think that’s mainly because she likes my lemon tarts. And everybody from the sports shoe shop came over and had a group photo of me rescuing them from Boris.’

‘Please,’ begged the manager. ‘What can I do to persuade you to stop luring all our customers away from the shopping centre?’

‘If I may, sir,’ interrupted Stephen the security guard. ‘Could I negotiate on your behalf?’

‘Please do,’ sobbed the manager.

‘Nanny Piggins, you look fabulous today,’ said Stephen. He knew how to begin a negotiation.

‘Thank you,’ said Nanny Piggins. She could not fault him, he was entirely right.

‘Would you please be so kind as to shut down your photography studio, come back to the shopping centre and train our elves how to take spectacular action photos at reasonable prices that everyone can enjoy?’ asked Stephen.

‘Why on earth would I do that?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

Stephen turned to his manager. ‘Do I have permission to offer her anything?’ he asked.

‘Yes, yes of course,’ said the manager, dabbing his brow. ‘Anything to make this end.’

Stephen turned back to Nanny Piggins. ‘You can have as many free samples from the free sample box on the bakery counter as you like.’

There was silence from the crowd as everyone simultaneously gasped, then waited to see what Nanny Piggins would say.

‘Will I get a little laminated card to carry in my handbag, certifying this?’ Nanny Piggins asked.

‘Your photograph will be in the corner and the card will be signed by the centre manager himself,’ said Stephen.

‘It will?’ asked the manager. ‘I mean, it will, it will.’

‘Can I take my own photograph?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

‘Yes,’ said Stephen.

‘Then you’ve got a deal!’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins.

‘Hurray!’ cried the crowd, who knew they really should be getting back to their Christmas shopping.

‘Thank goodness,’ said the manager as he shook Nanny Piggins’ hand. ‘I was worried we’d have to pay you thousands of dollars to make this stop.’

‘My dear man,’ said Nanny Piggins ruthlessly. ‘If you think thousands of dollars is more than it would cost to buy me an unlimited amount of cake samples, you are about to discover that you are sadly mistaken.’

And so, after consuming an alarming amount of sub-standard cake, Nanny Piggins set to work teaching the elves how to take real photos. She also gave Santa a short sharp bite on the shin to punish him for his price gouging. Then, to teach him a lesson, made him pay $39 for the honour of having his picture taken with her.

‘I want you to put that on your mantelpiece when you get home, Santa,’ said Nanny Piggins sternly, ‘to remind you that it is all very well to sit in judgement over the children of the world, deciding whether they are naughty or nice, but it is important that you should be a good boy too.’

‘Yes, Nanny Piggins,’ said Santa humbly. He did not really understand what had taken place in the previous 24 hours but, just as he knew when he met Mrs Claus for the first time, Santa realised he had met his match.

BOOK: The Nanny Piggins Guide to Conquering Christmas
7.51Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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