The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant (17 page)

If a clamp causes a minor cut, you should treat it with antiseptic. However, torn skin requires a doctor’s care to prevent permanent disfigurement.

Suggested Reading

Toybag Guide to Clips and Clamps
, Jack Rinella, Greenery Press

Collars

A symbol of submission is the collar. It can be as simple as a dog collar or as complex as the kind of collar worn by 0 in The Story of 0, which was made of many layers of thin leather with an attached ring. Rings provide convenient attachment points for leashes or wrist cuffs.

The most common error in buying a collar is to buy one that is too wide. Unless it is only for short-term wear, one inch is the best width. Anything wider will have a tendency to abrade the neck over a period of hours.

Neither collars nor other around-the-neck devices should be used to attach a standing submissive to anything solid. Think what might happen if he or she stumbled or fell. If a person is attached in this manner, use cotton thread. This will provide the feeling of capture, but in the event of an accident, it will break without causing further harm.

Another common error is to attach the collar too tightly. If you cannot slip two fingers under the collar, it is too tight.

In recent years, there has been a lot of talk about “official collars.” People have held forth about “training collars,” “consideration collars,” “ownership collars” and god knows what else. If it resonates with your needs and fantasies go with it, but don’t feel there is any way you must do it or any symbol or collar you must adopt. Your scene is yours.

Gags

I don’t use gags much. They cut down on the complex verbal interaction between the submissive and the dominant, i. e. I like screaming and begging. They also can be risky.

However, in a semi-public environment, like an apartment with thin walls or motel rooms, gags can avoid premature termination of the scene through external influence, such as someone calling the cops. Some submissives also enjoy gags. The mild ache from the stretched jaw muscles is a reminder of their status. The ball gives them something to bite down on while you are stimulating them, and for those who enjoy humiliation, the uncontrollable drooling provides the dominant endless opportunities for comment.

Before you use a gag, establish a safe signal that will work when the gag is in place. Like a safeword, it should be something that would not take place as part of a scene. This eliminates random grunting, but using a rhythm is acceptable. Don’t get too complex. It may be easy for your submissive to hum The Stars and Stripes Forever when the only thing you are doing is watching. It is entirely a different matter to do it when you are playing connect the dots on his or her skin with a needle.

Simple physical signals are effective too. Some submissives use opening and closing both hands to signal unacceptable discomfort when gagged. Others use slow and purposeful eye blinks.

Before playing with any submissive, you should ask about breathing problems, asthma and allergies. If you are going to use a gag, ask again and listen carefully. A blocked up nose can kill someone who has a gag in his or her mouth.

There are a multitude of commercially available gags and an even greater variety that you can improvise. At one point during a session in an expensive hotel, the phone rang. I just grabbed my companion’s panties and put them in her mouth. She later told me that the mere casualness of this action made it extremely arousing.

Most important, the gag must be comfortable. If it isn’t, that is a signal that it doesn’t fit and can cause harm. With an inflatable gag, have the submissive inflate it. Dominants invariably overestimate how big it has to be. I have seen some face masks that cover both the face and the nose. I neither like them nor do I trust them. If either the nose or the mouth is blocked, the other should be completely free.

Ball gags that do not go completely into the mouth are particularly good if a person has a bit of trouble breathing. If the ball is attached with a single elastic, it can be easily pushed out of the mouth in an emergency by the submissive’s tongue.

A submissive friend lists three benefits that go with gags. It is fun to bite down on a gag during intense stimulation. It gives the submissive a feeling of being controlled, and finally, it causes drooling which, in turn, gives the dominant an opportunity for a bit of verbal humiliation if both enjoy this type of activity.

Dildos

For whatever reason you are using a dildo, it is always a good idea to cover it with a condom before use. At the very least, it makes cleanup quick and easy and assures that you and/or your submissive will have a sterile surface in contact with all that sensitive flesh. If you will be doing a scene where the dildo will be moving back and forth between people (yourself and the submissive or between two submissives) or will be used in both the anus and vagina, one or more condoms are mandatory.

If I am planning a complex scene, I may put four or five condoms on a single dildo. As soon as I am ready to shift from one area to another, I just take off the top condom and the next is already on. A neat trick I borrowed from my motorcycle racing days when I would wear five or six face shields, one under the other. When one got muddy, I’d just pull it off. This also has the added advantage that, if one condom tears, the others are intact.

In my opinion, the best dildos are made of silicone rubber. They have a more lifelike texture, are exceptionally smooth and retain body heat or cold, see the section on guided fantasies in the making the scene sing chapter, best. However, they are expensive.

Latex dildos are less aesthetic but are also less expensive. Dildos made of harder material must be used with care, but they are often useful in the scene to make a psychological point. One mistress has a custom-machined, eight-inch, stainless-steel dildo with brass balls which is enough to drain the color from the cheeks (both sets) of the hardiest submissive.

Obviously, when using a dildo in the anus, copious lubrication and care are the order of the day. You must always keep a good grip on the dildo and allow no more than two-thirds of it to enter the anus if there is nothing at the base to prevent it from going all the way in. For safe anal play, butt plugs are more sensible, or you should use a dildo with a flange or set of balls at the base.

Some dildos are made with a clitoral stimulator at the base. While some find this fun, my opinion is that it limits the range for movement of the dildo if you want to use the stimulator at the same time. A well-lubricated thumb is infinitely more versatile.

Squirting dildos which simulate ejaculation should be cleaned very carefully. The artificial urethra provides an ideal environment for bacterial growth. However, squirting a bit of bleach-water mixture or alcohol through it should be enough to clean it out.

Male chastity belts

Male chastity belts are popular items in leather stores. Some are made of leather, some of metal, and I’ve seen a few that were made of clear plastic.

Evidently, these toys predate the current interest in BDSM. In doing research for this book, I encountered the McCormick Male Chastity Belt, patent number 587,994, patented in 1896 – yes, 1896. According to the application, the purpose was to protect a man from himself. However, it seems ideal for any lady seeking to make sure her submissive remains pure and sweet when he is not under her supervision.

The appliance had a plate, “having an aperture through which the proper member is passed.” The plate was attached to the body by a belt and had a series of what the inventor termed “pricking points.” (Could this be the source of the slang word for the member in question?) “When, from any cause, expansion in the organ begins, it will come in contact with the pricking points.” This, in turn, was considered enough to turn the wearer’s mind to purer thoughts.

Although the inventor wrote that he intended this device to be worn voluntarily, he did note that arrangements could be made to be permanently attached to certain “irresponsible wearers.”

While I’ve never encountered Mr. McCormick’s gadget in any store, a similar device can be made using leather through which the prongs of snaps have been forced. Normally, these prongs are bent over to hold the snaps in place. However, if they are left extended, they can provided a “pointed reminder” for the wearer. Another product is a nonskid run mat designed to protect carpets from rolling chairs. The bottom of these is covered with sharp plastic prongs. A small piece snipped off and placed in a jock strap provides most interesting sensations.

Sportsheets™

Sportsheets are an interesting little product that uses a Velcro loop sheet to provide points of attachment for a set of Velcro hook wrist and ankle cuffs. Because the sheet fits tightly over a conventional mattress, you can convert any bed into a versatile bondage surface. It takes a bit of practice to attach the cuffs so that a strong person cannot break the attachment to the sheets, but it can be done. An added bonus is that the sheets are comfortable enough to sleep on.

Of course, with enough strength, enthusiasm and incentive, one can get loose from Sportsheets. Libby and I were introduced to Sportsheets early in the ’90s at a party given by Mistress Sia, a dear friend and a delightfully creative sadistic dominant. Both Sia and I were playing with Libby when we were amazed to see her rip apart the chain connecting one of the leg cuffs to a pad. Libby at that time was an enthusiastic swimmer and walker so she had really strong leg muscles, and what we were doing was just plain “mean,” but when I mentioned the incident to Tom Stewart, the president of Sportsheets, he let me in on a business decision they’d made in designing the product.

“When we were developing the Sportsheet we experimented with a lot of different hardware that connected the cuff with the anchor pad. As a result of our customer feedback, we used a metal key ring and snap link for the connection. The reason for this choice of hardware was for a last ditch, fail safe means of getting free from the Sportsheet. The question many people asked us was, ’What if I can’t grip the anchor pad and I panic?’ or, ’What if the bed catches fire and I’m tied up, how do I get out?’ If we had used stronger hardware, say, a welded D-ring versus a key-chain key ring, and a stronger snap link, our answer to these types of ’what if’ questions would have been something like, ’Well, then I guess you’re screwed.’ The key ring was selected because it will fail under circumstances where a person pulls very hard and the key ring will open up and the person gets out. If we had made it escape proof that would have defeated the ’you can get out anytime’ feature of the Sportsheet. For some heavier players we have suggested adding an additional key ring and/or another snap link to make the connection stronger.”

Spreader bars

Spreader bars are simple wooden or metal bars with loops at the ends or at points along their length which attach to wrist and ankle cuffs. When properly in place, they prevent the submissive from bringing together the limbs to which they are attached. Some of the commercially produced models are adjustable, but many dominants simply make their own from lengths of one-inch dowel.

While there is rarely a problem using a spreader bar between wrist cuffs, care should be taken not to use one that is too long between either ankle or knee cuffs. If a submissive is forced to spread his or her legs too widely, the hips could be injured. This is particularly likely if weight is placed on the hip region while the legs are spread. As the appropriate angle varies among individuals, you should demand feedback from the submissive the first few times you use a leg spreader.

For an interesting effect, a second bar can be attached at right angles to a leg spreader. This bar can hold either a vibrator or a dildo, which the submissive can move in his or her anus or cunt by straightening or bending knees.

However, because submissives have been known to desire too much of a good thing when they become excited, I recommend attaching the two bars together with a rubber band rather than cord or tape. This way, if the submissive tries to agitate the device too violently or tries to drive it home too firmly, the elastic will stretch and moderate the action or break entirely, hopefully, before injury is done.

Vibrators

Just hearing the hum of a vibrator is enough to bring joy to most submissives’ hearts. I like to use a vibrator for teasing and contrast during the scene, pushing the submissive over the pleasure-pain-pleasure edge and during cool down after the scene ends.

There are basically two ways to produce vibrations. The first type to appear was the coil-driven vibrator. These usually have a vibrating head. They usually have only two speeds, low (sixty beats per second) and high (thirty beats per second). (That isn’t a misprint. The body interprets the slower speed as faster than the faster speed, and the manufacturers went with perception rather than reality.)

Motor-driven vibrators, on the other hand, use a rotating, off-center weight. This allows them a broad range of vibrating speeds. There are two types of these. The wand vibrators that look like an old-fashioned hand-held microphone, and Swedish vibrators which strap on the back of the hand and turn the entire hand into a living vibrator. Most wand vibrators are exceptionally large, but this spreads out the vibrations and makes it a more effective massage tool. I tend to like the heft of a large vibrator.

Swedish vibrators are sensual and versatile tools. Their drawbacks are that the softness of the hand mutes the impact of the vibration a bit, the constant vibration can make your hand go numb fairly quickly, and the straps that hold the vibrator on your hand can catch pubic and body hair.

Vibrators are also classified by their power source. In the early days, I shunned vibrators powered by replaceable batteries. They were generally shaped like dildos, but produced the worst of two possible worlds as they were ineffective dildos and underpowered as vibrators. Generally, if I wanted to use vibration inside a vagina or anus, I didn’t use a plastic vibrator, but instead, inserted a dildo or butt plug and then held an AC-powered vibrator against it.