The New Eve (22 page)

7. Never stop cheering for your man, even when he has flaws.
There's no perfect man or perfect marriage. Don't fall into the trap of idealizing other couples and their outwardly perfect marriages. Still, many women embrace marriage perfection in their minds. This mirage unnecessarily undercuts and stokes dissatisfaction in their own marriages.

I've seen many women struggle to accurately gauge the health of their marriage. Most are more pessimistic than they should be, dwelling on the 5 percent that's out of whack, to the exclusion of the 95 percent that's on track. Everyone else thinks,
What a great guy her husband is!
because he's doing so many things well. He's responsible, kind, truthful, and helpful, but she's lost sight of her great guy because she's locked in on the small percentage of things he's not doing well: “He doesn't talk to me enough. He's not a strong, spiritual leader in our home.” Resist this negative approach. Don't dwell on a few shortcomings. Cheer the good stuff and entrust the rest to God.

8. Never treat sex in marriage casually.
It's crucial to your husband. Crucial! Remember, good sex for a man is not only what it means for him but also what it means for you. Stay creative. Surprise him from time to time. Books are available to help you in this. Stay attractive. Tell him what he's doing right and how good he makes you feel. Good sex is life-giving to a husband.

9. Never assume his job is not your business.
A man wants to marry a woman who will nourish his life vision. You should have a good hands-on knowledge of what your husband does and appreciate the pressures he faces. Interact with him when he needs to talk about his work. Problem solve with him when you can. Pray for him and let him know it. Be his career partner.

10. Never fall more in love with your kids than with your husband.
That's easy to do as the years go by. I call it “the great swap.” You get caught up in all the things the kids are doing, often seeing more of them than you do your husband. What you don't notice is the growing distance developing between you and the man you vowed years ago to give your life to.

Then comes the day when the house is empty of children. They're gone. But so is the closeness between you and your husband. You're alone with a stranger. Don't let that happen. Keep
developing new ways to enjoy each other even while the kids are home. Take regular getaways without the children throughout your marriage to renew and refresh your relationship. Keep finding new ways to connect and enjoy life together. And when that day comes when the last kid moves out, you'll be able to turn to your husband and say, “At last! Let the good times roll!”

Much of the happiness a woman will achieve in this life will be in direct proportion to how well she engages the man in her life. As I pointed out in the beginning of the chapter, flying by sight with a man isn't going to be good enough to get you where you want to go. Every woman needs something more to be successful with a man. The New Eve knows this something more is wisdom. Sound wisdom. Biblical wisdom. It's this instrument, not her instincts, that guides and empowers her relationship with her man.

The Best Marriages—The Happiest Wives

S
herard and I were married three days after Christmas in 1971. Ever since, remembering Jesus' coming to earth and at the same time marking our wedding anniversary make for an extended time of celebration with family and friends. We like it that way. There's love in every direction.

This past Christmas Sherard and I marked thirty-five years of marriage. Perhaps in light of this special milestone, I became a bit more reflective. I vividly remember our wedding ceremony and that moment when we raced to my car through a hail of rice to drive away as husband and wife and begin our new life together. I also remember thinking that day how thankful I was that I had a game plan for my marriage.

My parents lacked that in their marriage and for this reason they really struggled at times. What I saw in their relationship was not something I wanted repeated in mine. The opportunity for something different began when I was introduced to Jesus as a freshman in college. A few years later, while seriously pursuing Sherard, Christian friends invited us to study marriage from
a biblical perspective. Looking back, I'm glad to say that much of what I received then was accurate, balanced, and extremely practical. One statement I held on to during that instruction was my teacher's comments about Jesus' words in John 10:10: “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” After reading this verse, my teacher made the following remark: “Jesus' main reason for coming to earth was to give you a life better than any you can create for yourself. And that applies to your marriage too.”

A better marriage is certainly what I wanted. Sherard too. So in the months leading up to our wedding day, we committed ourselves in faith to the biblical blueprints for a Christian marriage.

What is God's design for marriage? And is it really better than the alternatives? Let's address the first question by looking into the Scriptures, and the second by looking at modern social research.

The biblical outline for marriage is relatively simple. We could sum it up this way:

• God the Father is the Lord of marriage, charging the husband and the wife with specific callings for their marriage (Gen. 1:28; 2:24).
  
• The husband is charged by God to be the head of his wife (Eph. 5:23).
  
• The wife is charged by God to be the helper of her husband (Gen. 2:18).
  
• The husband is to love his wife in ways that meet her deepest needs: giving her security, making her feel highly valued and significant, giving her conversational companionship, and being emotionally responsive to her (1 Pet. 3:7).
  
• The wife is to love her husband in ways that meet his
  deepest needs: giving him admiration and respect, providing him personal support, joining him as his recreational companion, and being physically responsive to him (Eph. 5:33).
  
• Children are to be valued as gifts from God requiring time, sacrifice, personal attention, and training (Ps. 127:3; Prov. 22:6; Deut. 6:6–7).
  
• Children are to be raised to embrace a vision of changing the world and advancing God's kingdom with their unique gifts (Ps. 127:4–5; 1 Pet. 4:10; Gen. 1:28).
  
• The Holy Spirit is the conscience and the power that makes this kind of marriage possible (John 14:25–26; 16:8–15).
  

This is the biblical outline. Today, however, parts of it have become controversial among some Christians, especially the marriage roles of helper and head. Many modern marriages no longer embrace these biblical terms and therefore refuse to use them in their wedding ceremonies. In these cases Scripture is used highly selectively, omitting anything that might appear sexist. Most couples today are launched into their marriages on vague generalities of love rather than with specific biblical responsibilities. The only clear mandate is that the husband and the wife must be viewed as the
same.

The biblical marriage, however, is a radically different construct. It's true that Scripture recognizes first and foremost that men and women are created as spiritual equals before God. Both equally share God's divine imprint and image (Gen. 1:27). As a couple, both husband and wife are to live together as coheirs, sharing equal honor (1 Pet. 3:7). But as male and female, they also have their differences. In marriage their functional roles are gender-specific.

The Bible declares the husband to be the head of a marriage. This is not a title conferred on the man as a result of sin and the fall, as some have suggested. This is part of God's original design for marriage from the beginning.

In Genesis 2 (pre-fall), God created the man first. From a biblical standpoint this is not accidental but highly instructive.
First
implies
leader.
Thus, by creating the man first, God sent a clear message about social positioning between a man and a woman in a marriage relationship. Had God wanted the marital roles to be the same, He would have made the man and the woman at the same time. But He didn't … by design.

It's the same social statement I make at the end of weddings I perform when I pronounce the couple husband and wife. After doing so, I have them turn and face the audience. At which point I present them as “Mr. and Mrs. ___________,” always using the
husband's
name. Why the husband's name? The reason goes all the way back to the beginning of time, when God made the same statement by creating Adam first. In both of these symbolic acts, the man is recognized as heading this new relationship. Today, however, you have no doubt noticed more and more couples choosing to be recognized by their names being hyphenated together. This too makes a strong social statement. It says that no one heads this marriage.

Back in Genesis, Adam's headship was also seen in the tragic events of chapter 3 when both he and Eve plunged the world into spiritual darkness. But notice it was Adam, not Eve, whom God called to account for this rebellion. He was the one God held responsible for it. Indeed, the whole debacle was laid at Adam's feet. The New Testament states it this way: “Through one man sin entered into the world” (Rom. 5:12). This statement makes
sense only if God gave Adam a unique leadership role with his wife, a role the New Testament openly recognizes when it calls a husband the “head of the wife” (Eph. 5:23).

When a man fulfills this role correctly, no one is happier than his wife. In more than thirty years of pastoral ministry, I have never once had a wife issue a complaint against a husband who leads in the way the Bible describes. Cheer, yes. Complain, no. On the other hand, the husband who uses the title of headship as a cover for control, dominance, or even abuse is not only
not
a head in the way the Bible sets forth but is instead a moral and spiritual failure. Let me make this clear: When it comes to a man's leadership in his home, male domination is never a teaching of the Bible. But headship is. It has been a married man's role since the beginning of time. And it requires from a man that he love, lead, protect, and provide for his wife and family with a servant's heart. Simply put, he is to lead as Jesus leads His church (Eph. 5:23). Headship is a demanding title that challenges every Christian husband to measure the day-to-day reality of his leadership by looking up to the ultimate Head.

Genesis 2 unveils the wife's role as helper. In verse 18 we read, “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’”

Few situations can better illustrate the meaning of what God had in mind here than when a young bachelor marries. Go to his apartment or house before the wedding, and more than likely you will find a tasteless, colorless, Spartan environment. Just the basics … and a few electronic toys. A weight set, TV trays, and mismatched sofas circled around a fifty-inch plasma screen compose the living area. There is nothing green or alive
anywhere. The bedroom is dormlike; the bathroom, radioactive; the kitchen, unused except for a well-worn microwave oven. This is man
alone.

But then he marries. In the weeks and months that follow, a miraculous transformation occurs. His house becomes a home. What was previously formless and void begins to spring to life. Order, form, color, art, warmth, heart, love, and laughter fill what was once nothing more than a utilitarian staging area. More often than not, the man quickly falls in love with these startling makeovers. He had no idea until now that he needed this much help!

The title of helper actually puts a wife in very elite company. After all, the Hebrew word for
helper
is used for God Himself. By the time you get to the end of the Bible, each member of the Godhead has been presented as a Helper to man. In Psalm 54:4, David said of God the Father, “God is my Helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my soul.” This is a magnificent picture of the Creator of the universe lending aid to His frail creatures, but it also indicates the honor and dignity of being a helper. Jesus, too, became our Helper. Romans 5:6 gives a powerful picture of this truth: “While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” Jesus helped us when all other help failed. Finally, Jesus called God the Holy Spirit our Helper. In John 14:16–17, He said, “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper [that is, One like Jesus], that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth.” Who can doubt a wife's place of honor and worth when she bears the same title as God Himself?

All this is good news for husbands, for if anything is clear in life, it's that a man needs help. And the kind he needs most to succeed in life is one that is distinctly feminine. It is a help that receives, admires, nurtures, responds, supports, and loves.
A man grows by this kind of help. He matures. He is strengthened to reach higher and do more than he ever could without it. The truth is, every man
longs
for this kind of help.

These are the gender-specific roles God designed for every man and woman in marriage. Head and helper energize each other. They fit the social, spiritual, and relational dance God has in mind to call out the best in a couple. Rightly lived out, these roles unleash power, life, and intimacy into a couple that supersede any other symbiotic relationship on earth.

What is a biblical marriage? Using these titles of helper and head, along with the core callings for marriage we learned about in chapter 4, plus specific statements on marriage from the New Testament, we can answer that question with the following diagram: