The New Eve (24 page)

“There it is,” she said. “No surprise, is it? My challenge is that I'm tempted to place my sense of personal value and security in my career. I'm single, twenty-six, and my career is going great. But I do struggle with having a more balanced personal and spiritual life. At least, reading this book makes me think that. But the thing is, I'm also struggling with the emphasis the book places on marriage, kids, and those things. I mean, don't get me wrong. I believe in the biblical principles, at least as an ideal. I do want to marry someday and have kids, but I just don't see why I should back off from my career and look for a man to come in and take care of me. I mean, my mom tried that, and look where it landed her. Dad left her when I was nine, and for the next ten years she waited tables at a greasy diner so my sister and I could eat and have clothes. I don't know. Sometimes I feel that the Bible and books like this one teach a paradigm that modern women can't follow. Honestly, can a twenty-first-century woman follow first-century advice? We're in totally different worlds.”

Susan paused for a moment. Then she continued. “But then the flip side is, I look at my life now and ask, Do I really want to live like this forever? I'm scrambling up the corporate ladder, but is it worth it? I drive a nice car, but I only drive it to and from the
airport. I have a huge professional network, but I'm lonely. My clothes come from the designer rack, but they can't cover all my needs. So what should my priorities be? Does God want me to ditch my career and go on a manhunt? Can I keep my career
and
have a family? It's confusing.”

The ladies reflected in silence for a moment. Susan's openness about her struggles caused everyone to relax a little more. No one would be playing Ms. Righteousness here.

“I think I understand pretty well what you're going through,” said Patricia. “On one hand, you feel that you'll be a dropout or just plain reckless if you alter your career for marriage and kids, but on the other hand, you don't want to be so devoted to work and so distrustful of married life that you end up fifty-something and alone, like me.”

Susan started to backtrack. She had not meant to be insensitive to Patricia's situation, but Patricia politely waved her off.

“No, really. It's fine. Let me clarify what I mean. I'll begin by showing my card.”

“That's my fear,” Patricia said. “I'm fifty-one. I never married or had kids. What I
have
had is a great career full of perks and advancements. Sounds like the dream life of some hard-shelled feminist, right? Only in my case, it's not. The truth is, I never set out to walk this kind of path. Not intentionally, anyway. When I graduated from college in the mid ’70s, all I ever heard from the women I admired was that it was up to me to make my own way. Don't get stuck waiting for a man to take care of you. Show the
world what a woman can do in the workplace. All of that made sense to me. A lot of it
still
does. But what happened is, I lost perspective. So did my friends and mentors.

“After college I took a series of tough jobs. Workplace equity was far from a reality in the ’70s and ’80s, so I worked harder than anyone else. After a while I got promoted. Then women everywhere were getting opportunities like never before. I was exhilarated to be part of the revolution. By the ’90s I made VP in my company and was one of the best in my field. But then I realized I was breaking into my forties and was still single. Twenty years had blazed by since college, and all I had to show for it was a place at the boardroom table.

“Now that seat at the table was pretty good, but it dawned on me that I had shut down other important avenues for my life. For years I had lived project to project, challenge to challenge. I never made time for finding a mate. So then I took a stab at carving out more time for my social life, but there was always a desk full of work or another plane to catch. Besides, if I'm honest, I liked it that way. Work was what I knew. I was good at it. So I kept doing what I had always done. Now here I am. Another ten years have gone by. My career is awesome, but I'm still alone, and now more than ever, being alone actually feels lonely.”

Anne reached over and squeezed Patricia's hand.

“Thanks,” Patricia said. “It's hard sometimes, but I'm OK. I guess the thing I want to say, Susan, is that now is a good time for you to take stock of your options. You can do anything you want. You've got a great career going, and no doubt you can turn it into something huge someday. But you can also do something else. You can balance that opportunity by seeking other options I failed to consider—options that can save you from regret later in life. You might start by exploring the possibility of how to cut back on your work hours and … excuse me … your
insane
travel schedule.
Your company clearly values you. Tell them you're excited about your continued commitment to them, but that you want to travel less, be home more, and have a more normal life. Maybe there is another position at the company that better fits you and what you want in life. Certainly there's no harm in looking.

“Just know this: the steps you take now will go a long way in determining what your life will be like long-range. My advice is, decide now what you really want in life and then do what's necessary to get there. Don't put this off! It's too important. You might be surprised by what doors God opens up for you. I mean, He is with you in this.”

“All that makes way too much sense to me,” Susan said with a sarcastic laugh. “I certainly don't want to lessen my chances to have a family, but I just don't know if I can scale back the one part of my life that's working so well so that I can have a better shot at finding a mate. It could hurt my career, and there aren't any guarantees that I could be happily married anyway. So I guess what I'm saying is, Is a happy marriage anything more than luck? I don't feel secure when I think of entrusting my future to a marriage.”

Brenda nodded her head vigorously. “My first marriage was certainly a reality check. Come to think of it, my second one isn't much better.” She smiled, but everyone could feel the pain in her voice.

“Brenda, you know we're all praying for you,” Patricia said as everyone nodded.

Anne then looked back at Susan. “All marriages have their hard moments,” she said, “but I don't think the good ones are because of luck. I know for me it has taken work, compromise, tons of honest communication, and at times some huge leaps of faith. But Art and I have experienced a good marriage for almost thirty-two years. Looking back, I see the key has been the spiritual convictions we've both held on to. That and giving God all
the hurts, confusions, and disillusionments that crop up from time to time. Oh, well, that's us. Maybe
your
biggest challenge for being a New Eve is a huge faith leap of your own. Maybe it involves letting go of the pain from your parents' divorce and trusting God for your life.”

Susan's eyes dropped to the floor. “I think you're right,” she said. “At base it is a trust issue. Do I trust God with my future? Right now I'm just not sure I can honestly say I do. Mostly I trust myself.”

“So there's your bold move,” Patricia said excitedly. “You've identified your primary obstacle to being a New Eve. Now the question is, Can you make a trust move? Not from a career to a marriage but from your way to God's way.”

“Everyone take out your index card and grab a pen,” Anne said suddenly. “I think it would be good for each of us in turn to scratch out the obstacle we've written down on our card and write underneath it one bold move we could make as a first step to becoming a New Eve.”

“That's a good idea!” Brenda exclaimed. “And we can help each other think of what to say.”

The room grew silent for a few moments. Susan tapped her card with her pen and then wrote something down. “Anne,” she said, “here's my bold move.”

“That's the heart of the issue with me. I'm not comfortable with where my choices have been taking me. I saw my mom's life
get wrecked in marriage and I've run from that and tried to establish some kind of career self-sufficiency. Now I'm thinking,
Have I hardened myself against courageously pursuing some of the callings God has for
me? Maybe so. I've got some thinking to do.”

The ladies then discussed how they could help each other process their bold moves over the next few months. After they had nailed down a plan, Anne spoke up.

“I want to follow up on some things Patricia said about her situation. You say you're afraid you've missed out on the good life, but I want to affirm how I've seen you be a godly example. For instance, I was amazed at the ministry you had with those inner-city kids at the community center this summer. You were an incredible leader and a huge asset in making that project a success. Also, I saw how you poured your heart out to the children you personally worked with.”

“Thank you, Anne! That's sweet of you. Your encouragement brings to mind the need to say how good God has been to me. I do think I've made some unwise choices, and that has cost me some of the good things I might have enjoyed in life. But all the same, God has provided me with many opportunities and blessings that are probably exclusive to single gals.”

She laughed in an easy manner and then continued. “It's like this: my time and my money are my own. There are no conditions on either of them. I'm able to use my resources to impact the lives of others. I've traveled the world. Sometimes for fun, sometimes for work, but I've learned that I can take the gospel with me in word and deed no matter where I am. And I've had some wonderful experiences doing so. Besides, as you all know, I was able to pick up and move here last year from Chicago so I
could take care of my ailing sister. I couldn't have done that if I were married. So God has good, life-giving purposes even for us single gals! The trick is keeping that in perspective during the lonely times.”

“So what's your bold move?” Brenda asked after a brief pause. Patricia scratched a sentence onto her card and held it up for the ladies.

“Now more than ever, I need to define and be clear about the kind of life God wants me to live before my time here is up. I don't want to miss anything He has out there for me. If I keep that kind of life in focus, I think I'll be better able to navigate this second half of my life and maximize it. In this way I'll also be able to experience the good things God still has for me. I've made some mistakes I've regretted, but that's over!”