The New Male Sexuality (20 page)

The idea of jump-starting feelings appeals to men because
jump-starting
is a synonym for
willing
or
forcing
, and men have had lots of lessons about being able to force or will things. But it simply does not work in sex. You
can’t will or force an erection, and you can’t will or force erotic feelings. Feel free to try it if you’re not sure what I’m saying is correct. What often does work, however, is to figure out what it would take to get turned on or erect (for instance, “If I was feeling more awake and rested [or more sober]”) and put that requirement in place. And that’s exactly what fulfilling one’s conditions means.

For some men, determining and fulfilling their conditions is crucial from the onset of their sex lives. For others, conditions and even preferences don’t seem important until later. At first, usually in their teens, twenties, and thirties, they were always or usually aroused, functioned well, and had a good time. Many men, especially when they are young, function automatically, without regard for particular conditions; some of them can function fine even without being aroused. It’s not that they don’t have needs or conditions when younger, it’s just that they can function despite not fulfilling them, much as a young person can function reasonably well without getting as much sleep as he needs. As he ages, however, not getting enough rest will take a heavier toll.

With regard to sex, something often happens—the man and his relationship get older, a sexual experience goes badly, he suffers from job stress or something else—and the system is disrupted. Once this happens, automatic functioning usually cannot be restored, at least not the way it was before. The man has to pay attention to factors he once could ignore. As time goes on, of course, and these factors become a regular part of his thought and behavior, his functioning will become less self-conscious and more automatic. But it will now include some conditions he had previously ignored.

Here are a few common sexual conditions that men have reported to me.

Feeling connected and close to your partner. Although this is often considered mainly a requirement of women, many men need it as well. If you’re not feeling connected to her, if either one of you is feeling angry or distant, you may need to do something about it before you can have good sex. I deal with ways of being close and connected in
Chapters 10
to
14
.

Absence of strong anxiety about performance. You either feel confident about how you’ll do or you know that you won’t have to pay any great price if things don’t go as anticipated. You know that whatever you do and whatever happens, it will be okay with her.

You know you’ll get what you need from her in terms of attitude, response, and stimulation.

Not feeling tired, ill, preoccupied, or under the influence of too much alcohol or other drugs.

Feeling positive about the situation before it even starts. You’re interested, you know she is, and you’re both looking forward to a fun time.

Feeling turned on, aroused, sexually excited. Aside from the absence of performance anxiety, this is probably the most important condition for men. If you want to learn more about this crucial quality and how to increase it, turn to
Chapter 15
.

Physical stimulation requires discussion. In the fantasy model, men don’t require any physical stimulation other than seeing or kissing their partner. They are immediately excited and their penises immediately stand to attention and are ready for action. This matches the adolescent experience of many males: They didn’t require any stimulation at all. But this often changes after adolescence. Not only men in their fifties and sixties but also many men in their thirties and forties require direct penile stimulation to get and stay hard and also to get emotionally excited. This is not a “problem,” it’s just life. If you find you require direct penile stimulation, or any other kind of stimulation, then get it. And make sure you get the kind that feels just right to you.

Foreplay—defined as erotic stimulation preceding intercourse—is usually considered something that man does to get the woman ready for intercourse. And it’s certainly true that many women complain they don’t get enough of it and many men complain that women want too much. But it turns out that many men need it, too, although sometimes it takes an extreme situation to determine this.

Many years ago when I was a horny student, and long before anyone had heard of AIDS or even herpes, I met a woman at a conference. There was an immediate attraction, and we were soon making out and pawing each other in the hotel lobby. Unfortunately, it couldn’t go any further because I had to catch a plane. A few days later she called to invite me to her home several thousand miles away. We were going to finish what we started.

She greeted me at her door wearing only a T-shirt and big smile. She immediately led me to her bedroom and without any further ado took off her shirt, got on the bed with her legs apart, and told me to take her. I still recall my thoughts: “My God, a fantasy come true! But some words, hugs, or kisses would be nice.” I tried for the kisses, but she turned her face away and immediately guided me into her. I had an erection because I was
young at the time and had been thinking of her ever since her call. So we had intercourse, during which she rejected all my attempts to kiss; although I ejaculated, it wasn’t very pleasurable. And it didn’t get better on subsequent occasions.

I asked her about kissing. Her words shocked me: “I really don’t like kissing or touching. I just like to fuck.” In response to my question about the necking we had done at the hotel, she said she was willing to do it there because we didn’t have time for anything else and it was clear I enjoyed it. “But here we can screw and don’t have to do other stuff.”

I felt as if I had landed on a strange planet. I’d never heard of women like this. Although in the past I had sometimes complained about the lengthy foreplay some women wanted and had fantasies about wild women who just wanted to screw, this experience demonstrated that
I
needed foreplay, too. I hadn’t yet formulated the idea of conditions, but already I had come up with one of my own. I could function without it, but it wasn’t fun (now that I’m twenty-five years older than I was then, I’m sure I couldn’t even function without it). In fact, it was so little fun that I cut my trip short and never saw the woman again.

Of course, one can take the position that I’m a wimp, that a real man would have exploited this incredible opportunity to the full. I admit that this idea occurred to me and, as soon as it did, I started to feel bad about myself. But, fortunately, I rejected it in favor of another formulation that has aided me through the years and also been of assistance to some other men.

That idea is that
a real man is
not
someone who can live up to other people’s standards and expectations. Rather, he is someone who knows who he is and goes after what he wants and needs, even if some of those wants and needs are not on Harold Robbins’s, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, this or that woman’s, or anyone else’s approved list
. I realized I could have gotten some mileage with male friends by telling them about this wonderful week in another city where I screwed this incredibly attractive woman fifty times without one second of foreplay. But then I recalled that it wasn’t wonderful, not even good. I didn’t want to get any mileage from that story. It really was okay that I liked kissing and hugging and wanted to feel connected to the women I slept with.

I’m not saying it was easy. A number of times, usually when I was feeling lonely and horny, I was tempted to feel bad about what had happened with this woman. If only I’d accepted her restrictions, I could probably still be in touch with her and occasionally see her for sex. Why did I have
to be so damned particular? Any other guy would have been more than delighted by what she offered. What kind of man was I, anyway? But as the months went by, I more and more accepted that it was fine to be myself.

Time of day is another matter that doesn’t receive as much attention as it deserves. Particularly for older men, but also for some not so old, the when of sex is as important as the how.

Wendall, sixty-four, was distraught when he came to see me. He had been celibate for almost six years after his wife’s death and had practically given up on finding someone with whom to share the rest of his life. But in the last few months he had been seeing Emma, a woman he met at church. Everything was fine except for his inability to get hard with her. Although Emma accepted him as he was and said it wouldn’t stand in the way of them being together, he felt it wouldn’t be right to marry her unless he could have intercourse.