The New Male Sexuality (53 page)

THE RELATIONSHIP THING AGAIN

Estrangement is frequent in couples who are having sex problems. Sometimes the sex problem is the cause. Partners blame themselves and each other, they stop touching and feeling close, and frequently the woman is angry at the man for not being willing to get help sooner. In other cases the estrangement predates the sex problem or is independent of it; the couple is angry and distant for reasons other than sex.

Regardless of what is causing the distance and hostility, closeness and cooperation must be reestablished before productive work on sex can be undertaken. A great deal of the time I spend with couples in sex therapy, especially at the start, is not devoted to sex. Rather, it involves getting them to stop blaming themselves and their partner and to repair the damage caused by the blaming, the withdrawing, and the fighting. Below I give some pointers about what you can do for yourself and your partner before you start to work on sex per se. You should also read or reread
Chapters 7
through 14 as soon as possible and start applying the relevant ideas and suggestions.

1. Have a talk with your partner in which you acknowledge the problem and what you are going to do about it
—for instance, use the exercises in this book or see a therapist. If your partner believes that you have been dragging your feet about resolving the sex problem, this belief needs your immediate attention. You should let her know that her perception was accurate, and you should apologize for not realizing this sooner. You should also tell her that you want to get your relationship on a better footing before working directly on sex. For example: “You were right all along—this problem really needs attention. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner. But I’m ready to deal with it now. There are exercises in this book I think would help, but before doing them maybe we should start having some good times again.”

2. Start being more positive about yourself
. The worse you feel about yourself and your situation, the harder it is to make your partner happy and have a good relationship with her. So it’s crucial to keep self-criticism down to the absolute minimum. I address this issue in detail in the next chapter.

3. If you’ve been staying away from physical affection, get back into it
—assuming, of course, that this is acceptable to your partner. Touch, hold, massage, hug, and kiss your partner when the spirit moves you, and be responsive to her touches and hugs. Depending on what has been going on with the two of you, it may be advisable to first have a talk about touching, so that she doesn’t construe a hug or kiss as meaning you want sex. If she’s too angry to engage in physical affection now, try to be understanding of her position and keep on with the other ideas and exercises that are acceptable.

4. If you’ve been withholding compliments and words of love, now’s the time to start expressing them
. Let her know all the things about her that you like and love.

5. If you haven’t been having sex, you should consider starting again if both of you are willing
. If you’ve been making love but also having fights about it, it’s time to start on a new path. After you’ve started expressing compliments and words of love, and after you’ve started touching again and had some good times, talk with your partner about sex. Is it okay with her to do something other than intercourse if you lose your erection or come fast? If either one of you isn’t sure what the options are, read and talk about the section on sexual options in
Chapter 3
. Can the two of you agree to use some of the options and not get upset or get into arguments about what’s happening? If the answer is yes, then go to it.

6. Do your best to see that each sexual encounter ends positively for both of you
. For example, if you come fast in intercourse or lose your erection and you know she isn’t yet satisfied, you could say something like “I’d like to make you feel good” as you start to stimulate her by hand or mouth. Another possibility is to say nothing but just start stimulating her in a way you know she likes. Yet another way is to say, “Roger [or whatever name the two of you use to refer to your penis] is out to lunch, but I’d love to go down on you.” Since I assume you’ve already talked about options, still another way would be to say: “I don’t think I’m going to get hard. Would this be a good time for me to hold you while you use your vibrator?”

7. Make a firm pledge that there will be no more sulking, name-calling, or apologies about the problem
. You know about it, she knows about it, and there’s no need to belabor the obvious. And try not to blame her when the problem recurs. Even if it’s true that she’s somehow contributing to or even causing the problem, blaming and accusing will only make her defensive and make matters worse. The more the two of you can have
good times together, sexually and otherwise, and be kind and caring in your interactions, the better the chances that the problem will be resolved.

Another way of saying what I’ve covered so far in this chapter is this: Don’t make the problem worse. The more you withdraw from sex and your partner, the more tension that’s generated, the more blaming that goes on, and the greater the sense of failure, the harder it will be to make positive changes. The worse things get, both in your mind and between you and your partner, the more difficult it will be to resolve the problem. So seriously consider putting the seven ideas into practice as soon as you can.

If you think all is well in your relationship and that nothing extra is required, check this out with your partner. Make sure she agrees that you’re ready to do the exercises. If she doesn’t, start applying the suggestions given above. And feel free to use any other ideas you have for making your relationship better.

“It doesn’t work. We can have good times sometimes but my partner is so angry with me for not taking care of the problem before that she goes into rages whenever I mention doing something without a long-lasting erection.”

This situation is common. You should make sure you’ve acknowledged the problem, apologized for not wanting to deal with it sooner, and assured her that you’re going to get help now. If she needs to vent, let her express herself, agree as much as you can with what she says (for example, “I can see why you’re so furious. I didn’t take you seriously and it’s caused you a lot of pain”), and then renew your offer to get help. If that doesn’t work, suggest the two of you see a therapist before any further damage is done to your relationship.

“Nothing works. We’ve been in a horrible place for months. We can’t be civil, can’t have a good time, can’t have a reasonable conversation.”

If nothing in this chapter can be applied, then you need a therapist who works with both relationship and sex problems. Get that help now. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. Ask your partner if she’ll join you, but if she says no, go by yourself. I’ve been involved in a number of cases where the woman refused to go to therapy until after her partner went himself for several sessions. Once she believed that he was serious about trying to improve their relationship, she became willing to participate.

THE DETAILS OF SELF-HELP

I never thought “working on sex” could be fun, and it sure wasn’t the first few weeks. But after I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem and had to work to overcome it, April and I settled in and made the best of it. It wasn’t half as bad as I imagined. We made fun and games of it whenever we could, and the result is that the problem is largely resolved, we both learned a lot, and we’re closer as a couple. —
Man, 45

One thing to do early on is set one or more goals. Read this whole book first, or at least the chapters that seem relevant. Then set a specific goal for yourself; for example, improving your ejaculatory control to the point where you can usually decide when to come in intercourse, or keeping your erection in intercourse at least 70 percent of the time. If you have a regular sex partner, setting goals should be a joint endeavor. Make sure the two of you agree on what you want to achieve.

Then go over the sections in the book that are most directly relevant to reaching that goal. If you have a partner who’s working with you, she should also read the same material. Discuss it together. Are there any differences of opinion about what you’re going to do that need to be worked out now?

If you’re working with a partner, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of getting and keeping her cooperation. It’s crucial that you and your partner agree about what you’re going to do and that disagreements and conflicts that arise over the program or over anything else be resolved as quickly as possible.

A great deal is being asked of your partner, and she has a critical role to play. Her attitude and behavior can make the difference between reaching and not reaching your goals. A supportive, cooperative partner is a blessing, and you need to do everything in your power to help her be this way.

It’s crucial that she allow you to satisfy her with nonintercourse sex (sex without an erection) until you reach a point where you are able to have good, long-lasting erections
. This is necessary because virtually every man I’ve worked with needed to believe that he could give his partner a good time in bed without a hard penis. Without that belief, it’s almost impossible to reduce the pressure he feels to have long-lasting erections. That pressure, of course, is at least a part of what’s causing his problem. If he knows he can satisfy her in other ways, having an erection, or one that lasts a long time, becomes less important to him, thus reducing his anxiety.

Unfortunately, some women find this difficult to accept. These women are usually orgasmic in intercourse, and either they haven’t learned to be orgasmic with other kinds of stimulation or they have but find these other ways not quite good enough. And often these partners convey—sometimes subtly, sometimes almost brutally—that they won’t be happy until the man has good erections and can engage in intercourse. One of the subtle ways is by refusing to allow him to sexually pleasure her. This usually makes the man feel guilty. She’s doing all this work for him and giving him pleasure, but he can’t reciprocate. This is not a good setup. The man invariably picks up on his partner’s frustration and impatience. Under these circumstances, the chances of resolving his problem are close to zero.

These issues can often be worked out in therapy, but they can be difficult for some couples to resolve on their own. So make sure to discuss them with your partner before undertaking a program. If they can’t be settled with good feelings, do not try the exercises. Instead, have a consultation with a sex therapist.

Whether you’re working with a partner or on your own, you should determine if now is a good time to undertake the program. Make sure you don’t have events on your calendar, such as an extended visit from relatives or an especially busy time at work, that will make staying on the program difficult. It’s fine to put off starting the program until a more propitious time. Once you do start, pull out all the stops and go for it.

Plan for systematic effort over a period of two to five months. In general, you’ll need to devote two to three hours a week to the program, usually in segments of twenty to thirty minutes. This is an average, of course, and it’s certainly fine to take a brief vacation from the program. What doesn’t work at all is to skip weeks altogether or do the exercises on an occasional basis. Learning new skills or habits requires consistency and frequency.

Set up a definite schedule for doing the exercises, such as Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 8:00
P.M.
, and stick to it. If either one of you is not in the proper mood and can’t get in one when the appointed time arrives, skip the sexual exercise but do something else that’s relevant. For example, review your progress, read or reread a chapter in this book, be close and loving in some way, and so on. I guarantee you that regular schedules work better than relying on willpower or doing the exercises when the urge strikes you.

The biggest mistake people make is not doing the exercises often enough until the goal is reached. One reason that isn’t immediately apparent
is that although the exercises are fairly simple and easy to do, they can begin to feel like a burden over a long period of time. The people who do best with them are those who find ways of making and keeping them interesting. They keep the goal in mind and how good they’ll feel when they reach it, and they approach the exercises in a positive and lighthearted way. They also stay disciplined and get through the program as soon as possible. The more you stick to your schedule and the more quickly you move through the program, the better the results will be.

Please understand that you need prime, unhurried time for the exercises. It doesn’t help to do them when you’re fatigued or when time is short. You’ve got to be relatively relaxed and alert to benefit. The time given for each exercise is only for the exercise itself, but you shouldn’t just jump into an exercise; rather, start by spending a few minutes talking or touching, to feel close and get into the proper mood. Then do the exercise.

It will help you keep to your program if you make all the necessary arrangements in advance. If you’re going to do exercises in your bedroom, as most people do, you may want to make sure the room is clean and exactly as you want it. Have anything you might need for that particular exercise—for example, a clock or a lubricant—in place. Since you may need to refer to this book, it’s also a good idea to have it on the nightstand and turned to the appropriate page.

One question that comes up a lot is how much flexibility is allowed. Do you have to do every single exercise, and do each one exactly as it’s written? The answer is, that there is room for selection and creativity; just take care not to lose sight of what you’re doing. When I see a man in therapy for erection problems, for example, I don’t necessarily ask him to do every one of the exercises in
Chapter 22
. Everything depends on his situation and the results of the exercises he’s already done. Doing all the exercises I give in any chapter would represent the safest, most conservative route.