The New Rules for Blondes (21 page)

About the Author

S
elena Coppock is a standup comedian, storyteller, and writer based in New York City. Her writing has also been featured on
TheFrisky
,
McSweeney’s
, and
The Collared Sheep
. Her storytelling abilities have been showcased at shows around the country, including
RISK!
(live show and podcast),
Stripped Stories
, and, at
The Moth Story Slam
(where she tied for first place with her “After Hours” story in March 2011).

She has studied both improv and sketch comedy extensively, training at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater (New York), ImprovOlympic (Chicago), and ImprovAslyum (Boston). Selena has earned spots in a multitude of comedy festivals, including the Boston Comedy Festival, New York Comedy Competition, Detroit Comedy Festival, North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival, the Out of Bounds Festival, the Ladies Are Funny Festival, and the Women in Comedy Festival.

On TV, Selena has been seen on
Big Morning Buzz Live
(VH1),
The Revolution
(ABC), and
The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet
(Fox) and online on RooftopComedy.com, CollegeHumor.com, ComedySmack.com, and PMSports.com. She has also been featured as
Time Out New York
’s Joke of the Week, and in the
Boston Globe
,
LA Weekly
,
Boston Metro
, and the
Boston Phoenix
.

The New Rules for Blondes
is her first book.

Visit
www.AuthorTracker.com
for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

Credits

Cover design and illustration by Amanda Kain

Copyright

THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES.
Copyright © 2013 by Selena Coppock. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

FIRST EDITION

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.

ISBN 978-0-06-213181-2

EPUB Edition MAY 2013 ISBN 9780062131829

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1
I also take my chances and don’t mind working without a net, just like MCC.

2
Ford F-150s preferred, Chevy and Dodge trucks accepted.

3
Could I get a hug from Bela Karolyi, please?

4
I just wish I had had the Guns N’ Roses
Appetite for Destruction
album blaring in my ears, as I usually do when I run. There’s no better way to start a workout than with Axl Rose screaming a siren imitation into your eardrums.

5
So instead, my father bought a Buick Roadmaster—a mammoth station wagon we nicknamed “the Land Yacht” and that he covered in layers of Republican bumper stickers. Sigh.

6
Much like the Malcolm X saying about Plymouth Rock.

7
HEYO!

8
Word to the wise: Always have an emergency blow-dryer.

9
Another word to the wise: Never let it come to that. Have an emergency stash of hair products everywhere you go.

10
I’m like a hair joke writing machine!

11
I’d be pissed if I were one of her two “boys”—they’re her sons, yet her “#1 guy” is some long-haired singer?

12
I realize that wearing a sheath dress and pumps on a Bushwick rooftop probably doesn’t make sense, but this is my fantasy, and in fantasy world, your feet never hurt from standing in heels for too many hours. Go with it.

13
Although I doubt her Buddhist teachings were ever meant to be applied to cocktail banter about spite fucking an
American Idol
reject.

14
Constantine Fever is almost like Cat Scratch Fever, only with less Ted Nugent and more hives.

15
Weston High School, Class of 1998, “Best Hair.”

16
The Heisman is awarded to one college football player each year. It’s a big deal among collegiate football players. The trophy is a statue of a football player cradling the ball with one arm and pushing away any oncoming players with his other hand out. Thus, being rejected can be called “getting the Heisman” because you are being pushed away. The trophy’s existence and the fact that “sacking” is something that happens to the quarterback comprise the extent of my football knowledge. Oh, and that when a team decides to blitz, shit gets crazy. More on that in Chapter 14.

17
Richard Hatch, who failed to pay taxes on his prize money and served jail time because of it.

18
I hate people who videotape or photograph an experience in its entirety rather than actively living that experience as it happens. That behavior makes me insane. I saw people doing that inside the Sistine Chapel in Rome—obsessing over capturing imagines of the ceiling (illegally) with their crappy cameras. You can buy a postcard with a clear image of that gorgeous ceiling that will be better than you could ever capture and you can look at that postcard later on, but right now you’re here beneath this amazing fresco. Just lean your head back and enjoy looking up at the real thing—this gorgeous ceiling that Michelangelo painted. Just stop and
be
here for a moment—enjoy this live experience. Why are you taping or photographing this? Preserving it for posterity? Ya know what’s a lot more fun? Being actively engaged in what’s happening right here and right now and having a great memory of this experience. Fucking morons.

19
Dumb chills are goose bumps that you get when something is super corny or lame.

20
Just like Bob Seger crooned about, “Here I am . . . on the road again.”

21
I would insert a joke about Ke$ha’s song “Your Love Is My Drug” here if she didn’t make me turn into a curmudgeonly old lady. Ke$ha needs to stand up straight, stop dressing like an asshole, and not end a hit song with a silly throwaway line such as “I like your beard.” Got it, young lady!?

22
Note: This venue is no longer there, so don’t go trying to visit that venue in your tour of my backroom comedy shows.

23
They dated for two months, then got engaged. How amazing is that? They’ve now been married forty-plus years. Thank God she found a good colorist when she did!

24
Perhaps this is obvious, but this book is not on the “favorites” list of the American Cancer Society.

25
I’m not even being paid by DDs to push for their coffee—I genuinely love it. But if a Dunkin’ Donuts executive is reading this, please make me your spokeswoman! I adore your coffee so much that I call it “Deeze Nuts” or just “the Deeze” and drink at least one cup a day.

26
My eighth-grade science teacher, Mr. Stasik, would be so proud of how I’m using his brilliant lessons. To teach people how to get tan!

27
In this life, we’re each on our own path. And this path is going to lead you to hotness.

28
Ya like that, imaginary Deeze Nuts exec? I’m not afraid to throw in
two
references to your coffee.
Give me that job as your spokeswoman!

29
This isn’t a friggin’ Earth Science textbook.

30
That’s not a reference to masturbation, I swear!

31
This is the closest that I will ever come to donating my body to science. Sorry, scientists.

32
Product not available until 2074 and comes in flavors Wicked Awesome, Banana, and Polka Dot.

33
The brilliant Tim Gunn is with me in this opinion. (See his wonderful book
Gunn’s Golden Rules
.)

34
Nothing’s disturbing the way it goes around. Where are my Edie Brickell & New Bohemians fans at?

35
“How Hair Coloring Works” by Marshall Brain on TLC’s
How Stuff Works
blog.

36
The few positive math experiences of my life were in geometry, which is an exciting form of math because it’s all about shapes and degrees and assorted other things that I can see and that actually exist, and in a class called Explorations in Math during my freshman year in college, where I rubbed elbows with the football and hockey teams.

37
If you are not familiar with
This Is Spinal Tap
, Rob Reiner’s brilliant rockumentary, please update your Netflix queue immediately.

38
Though now, in retrospect, I think it was a fantastic exercise. Every blonde should spend a few months on the dark side, just to see what it’s like.

39
Hair brings people of all races together! If I ever run for office, I will run on a hair-focused platform and I’ll score a wide array of supporters, mark my words.

40
Lady Gaga’s hit song “Born This Way” is an anthem for the gay community that can fit quite well for being dope.

41
Actually happened. Verbatim. Professionalism at its best!

42
Is Supertramp underrated as hell, or is it just me?

43
Note that what Suzanne refers to as an “adult bowl cut” is something that I perceived as a mullet. For more on that, see Chapter 10.

44
Like a hair color version of a horror movie where the calls are coming from inside the house!

45
This sounds bonkers, I know, but just
days
prior, Eric had called my house and left messages three times in a row while I was out at the mall, so I felt like I could call him two times in a row. Yes, girls keep track of that shit.

46
“Packie” is Massachusetts-speak for a package store, or an establishment that sells liquor or beer.

47
Brit-speak for apartments.

48
The copyright holders of said pop culture item, that’s who.

49
Our group’s name came from a Pez dispenser with a Yoda head on top.
Comedy!

50
Hell of a good band name right there.

51
More on bringing gifts as good manners in Chapter 11.

52
Mixing Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and Dr. Phil McGraw is blasphemy in the psychiatry community, I’m sure. Sorry, guys!

53
The original on Fox, not the CW reboot. I’m not a tween tool.

54
That Kool and the Gang song was about dinner parties. Nuts, huh?

55
I grew up and traded in a bronzer addiction for a quiche addiction. I have an addictive personality, so what? At least it’s not heroin.

56
Just trust me on this visualization exercise.

57
Just kidding. Do
not
do that.

58
The George W. Bush of wine, if you will.

59
Yes, I’m the best granddaughter ever. Duuuuudes.

60
And I’m not talking about a glove without fingers to make cigarette smoking easier. I’m talking about fingerless gloves like you see in those period dramas on the BBC.

61
Sounds like a few of my ex-boyfriends—HEYO!

62
Seriously, guys—who killed Biggie and Tupac?

63
Only kidding. Life isn’t like an episode of
Family Feud
with judges looming overhead, no matter how many times I say “Judges, will we accept that?” in conversation while looking skyward.