The New Rules for Blondes (22 page)

64
The lyrics to “Rocket Queen,” Guns N’ Roses two-songs-in-one big finish to the album
Appetite for Destruction
.

65
What I often refer to as “cocktails on the veranda.”

66
In a similar scene, I was once at a tiny upstate New York bar whose exterior sign bragged that it was “nothing but a good time.” Their staff was very earnest about this theme, and it cracked me up because this bar was a lame watering hole in a tiny town. But it was a good time, I’ll admit. Alas, just when we were having a good time at this bar (the self-anointed epicenter of good times), my friends and I put money in the jukebox and played Poison’s “Nothing But a Good Time” and then the universe exploded.

67
I know a
lot
about music, as you can see from my refined musical vocabulary.

68
Please note: I literally got an F in Algebra II when we studied this stuff. So if this is wrong, I wouldn’t be surprised. Nor would my teacher whose educational theories on algebra incorrectly assume that every student gives a rat’s ass about math.

69
Minus the chicken wire stage cage and Jeff Healey’s brilliance.

70
GnR fanatics might say that we took Axl’s lyric “I’m going to watch you bleed” a bit too literally.

71
Question: Does the term “semibananas” make you picture a semitruck filled with bananas, half of a single banana, or a bunch of half bananas? I use that question with people like a conversational Rorschach test for whether or not they’re psychopaths.

72
Before I made an effort to learn about football, I hadn’t heard the word “scrimmage” since I played high school field hockey and a scrimmage was a preseason game that wasn’t on the record. This isn’t what it means here.

73
Get it! Offensive line? Offense jokes! (This is why I was never good at sports—I don’t care about the sport. I care about jokes and wordplay.)

74
Unless you’re in a modern-day remake of
The Warriors
and you and your leather-vest-wearing friends have just “gotta get back to Coney!”

75
At times like those, Bruce Springsteen was right: Sometimes it feels like you’re a rider on a downbound train.

76
We may be living in an Orwellian
Nineteen Eighty-Four
–esque land, but occasionally it makes life easier. And the automatic cutoff at the gas pump is one of those times. I love you, Big Brother!

77
And who uses a word like “gander” anyway?

78
Sadly, none of these couples are still together.

79
CHEERS
! Hell yeah, Boston! Go Red Sox!

80
But at the close of the film, we learn that Mandy eventually married Bluto. Some blondes can outgrow their shallow, judgmental ways, it seems.

81
It almost feels like he wasn’t
really
looking for love during those three seasons in front of the cameras. Hard to imagine, I know.

82
Traveling from tiny venue to bar room venue to nostalgia showcase.

83
Yes, that’s a hair pun.

84
You certainly know Suzanne by now, what with the tales of all our adventures and accidents already covered in this book.

85
Limestone, Maine,
rolls deep
!

86
Lobster everywhere! Coastline all over the place!

87
Suzanne and I have always loved debating possible plans using elaborate, numbered tallies or pro/con lists. It’s the best way to explore all possible options, especially when you’re grappling with important issues such as restaurant selection.

88
Over the years, we have done a lot of identical ordering and shopping. The one that I find the most cringe-worthy is a shopping excursion we once took to Newbury Comics on Route 9, where we proceeded to buy identical sunglasses and the same album (311’s
Greatest Hits
). Told ya it was cringe-worthy.

89
My nickname. How much does it rule?

90
She followed my directions about dating outside your hair color group, as we discussed in Chapter 15.

91
“Ratting” your hair was what teasing your hair was called in that era. Gross, huh?

92
It’s because of this terrible lesson in the end of
Grease
that my high school theater director always refused to put up the show at our high school. I completely understand and respect his decision, but come on, Mr. Minigan, my blond hair could have
rocked
the role of Sandy!

93
Blonde-vs.-brunette tension need not be lifelong, though, as we saw when Elle and Vivian eventually became best buddies.

94
Fawcett returned as a guest star in a few episodes of seasons three and four due to contractual obligations.

95
This poster hangs on the walls of fraternity houses to this day. Now that is staying power!

96
A very belated thank-you to Katie Ryan’s family for enabling my childhood fluffernutter addiction.

97
There are two sides to every story, though. Read
The Dirt
, the story of Mötley Crüe, an American classic, for further information.

98
From ages three to seven, I was a dead ringer for Cousin Oliver from
The Brady Bunch
.

99
Like so many other comedy venues, this one is now closed, too.

100
A real joy to watch.

101
Every standup will tell you that this introduction is what a host says when he doesn’t know your credits or when you have no credits.

102
There’s more to that joke. Yes, unfortunately, much more.

103
Or Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo.

104
Aveda makes a great one.

105
My current favorite is John Frieda’s Sheer Blonde conditioner.

106
“Welcome to it!” —Axl Rose

107
This is my version of “The sun will come out tomorrow”—big hair is my sunshine.