The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (25 page)

Why are women like a map of the world?

Before 16, they are like Africa, unexplored; 16 to 25, like North America, plenty of natural resources with room for western
expansion; 25 to 40, like South America, hot and exotic; 40 to 55, like Europe, battle-scarred and worn, but still points
of interest; 55 and on, like Antarctica—everyone knows it’s there, but who gives a shit!

An old man goes to his doctor. “Doc, you have to help me!” he yells.

“What seems to be the problem?” asks the doctor.

“Doc,” the old man shouts, “I accidentally pushed my hearing aid in too far. It hurts and I can’t hear a thing. You gotta
get it out!”

The doctor reaches in his ear with the forceps and pulls out the object. “This isn’t your hearing aid, it’s a suppository,”
he says in disbelief.

“Oh,” says the old man as he turns around and drops his pants. “Could you see if my hearing aid is in here?”

My college philosophy professor once asked, “If an old man farts and his hearing aid is up his ass, does he hear it?”

Why are men like laxatives?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

What’s the difference between purple and pink?

The grip.

Two guys, Chuck and Bob, go duck hunting. Chuck brings his new retriever and can’t wait to show Bob how unique the dog is
at retrieving ducks.

A duck flies over, Bob shoots it, and the duck falls in the water. Chuck sends his dog to retrieve it. The dog walks on top
of the water, gets the duck, and walks on top of the water back to the duck blind, dropping the duck at Bob’s feet. Bob doesn’t
say a word.

Another duck flies by and Chuck shoots it. The dog walks on top of the water, gets the duck, and walks on top of the water
back to the duck blind, dropping the duck at Chuck’s feet. Again, Bob says nothing.

This goes on all morning—the dog walks on top of the water, gets the duck, and walks on top of the water back to the duck blind,
dropping the duck at the feet of whoever shot it. Finally, Chuck can’t take it anymore and asks Bob, “Do you notice anything
unusual about my dog?”

Bob looks at Chuck and says, “Yeah, your dog can’t swim.”

What’s the difference between a Northern zoo

and a Southern zoo?

The Northern zoo has the name of the animal

and the species in Latin. The Southern zoo has

the name of the animal and the recipe.

What’s the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins with, “Once upon

a time…” A Southern fairy tale begins with,

“Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

A lion is up on a hill screwing the hell out of a zebra. All of a sudden, the lion sees Mrs. Lion coming up the hill. He says
to the zebra, “Quick, act like I’m killing you!”

Two cows are talking. One cow says to the other cow, “Hey, what do you know about this ‘mad cow disease’ they are having over
in England? How do you think it will affect us?”

The other cow says, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m a duck!”

After a few too many, a guy leaves the local pub, sneaks into his house, tiptoes up the stairs into the bedroom, slips under
the covers of his marital bed, and starts going down.