The Next Door Boys (36 page)

“I'm glad.” He put his arm over my shoulder, giving me a half hug as we walked. I leaned into him and let his arm rest there. Brian felt good, comfortable. I shifted my eyes toward him several times as we walked, but he watched Nathan running back and forth across the sidewalk ahead of us. I wanted to see him, to see his face, to know what he thought while we walked so close together. I'd missed him.

“So, how are
you
?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you kind of have a lot going on right now, with Nathan.”

He took a deep breath. “It just sort of pushed my biggest mistakes back in my face.” He let his arm slide off my shoulders.

“Brian, crappy things happen to people all the time. Good people, bad people—people make decisions, and those decisions affect their lives and affect the lives of those around them. You know that what she got involved in wasn't your fault.” I hated that he took any of the blame for her stupid mistakes.

“I… I guess I just feel like I helped get her adult life off to a rocky start, that's all.” He kept his eyes on the sidewalk.

“So what?” I crossed my arms. “Much worse things have happened to people than getting divorced under bad circumstances, and they've been fine.” Brian was one of the best men I knew. Even if he hadn't always acted the way he did then, he had always been good. That felt like a definite, a constant.

“I know. It's just still hard for me to believe, you know? She's going to be in for years. Years.” He still hadn't looked at me. Maybe I should have left it alone.

“I'm going to say something completely horrible and selfish.” I paused. “You get Nathan all the time. There's no way that kid was able to get from his mom what he's getting here. You're so good to him; he's involved in the church. The support from our backyard people alone is pretty awesome.” I reached out and unconsciously touched Brian's shoulder.

“I know. I kind of feel guilty about being so happy that Nathan will be here.” He looked over at me. Suddenly my hand on his arm felt personal, and I dropped it.

“Don't feel guilty. Enjoy it. Think of all that you won't miss out on.”

“I'm getting there.” His voice sounded better, more relaxed.

“And you can do the good thing and be the one who makes sure he doesn't lose contact with his mom. No matter the circumstance, there are always good decisions to be made.”

He nodded in response.

“Walk through the park?” Brian asked. “It's a kind of shortcut to the other street.”

“Sure.”

“Yay!” came from Nathan. He ran ahead of us when we hit the grass.

“I can't believe your brother's wedding is so soon.” We continued slowly, the shade of the trees a welcome reprieve.

“I know. The time just flew by.” I still couldn't believe Jaron was getting married, and I lived with his fiancée.

“He's more of a romantic than I bargained for.” Brian smiled a little as he said that, as if it was something he'd teased him about.

“More of a romantic than me, that's for sure.”

I'd agree with that.” He laughed

“Leigh!” Nathan called. “Come climb with me.” He waved from the tallest tower of the playground's castle. I walked his direction, leaving Brian behind me.

“I'm in a skirt, Nathan!”

“Because you're a princess!”

“Well, thank you.” I gave him a little curtsy.

“Okay, little man! It's time to head home!” Brian called up from just behind me.

I spun around and almost ran into him. I didn't mind being close to Brian, but I could feel the warmth from him, and I suddenly felt like I should be somewhere else. His brown eyes watched me in a way I didn't remember being watched by Brian before. I couldn't breathe. It was just Brian, I had to remind myself. I didn't know why I suddenly reacted so strongly to him.

Nathan almost ran me over. He grabbed my hand in his, and Brian reached and took my other hand. I watched, partially surprised, as our fingers slid together. Was it a big deal? Not a big deal? Did it mean something? My chest tightened again, and I stepped closer so our arms brushed together as we walked. I had nervous butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Should I have felt that way, or was it just a Brian friendship thing?

Brian kept walking as if nothing were different. Neither of us spoke, and Nathan broke away so he could continue to protect us from the dark forces lurking in the very few shadows of late afternoon.

We were home in what felt like seconds.

“Thanks, Leigh. I needed that more than I realized.” Brian kept my hand as we stopped between our houses.

“Good.” I stepped forward and gave him a hug. It felt different. Brian felt different. There was comfort, but also something more. Brian's arms tightened around me. I closed my eyes and let my face rest on his chest. He held me there for a moment. When he finally let go, he kept my hand in his. My nervous butterflies were floating further and more frantic as his eyes stared, unwavering.

“Are we going home, Dad?” Nathan tugged on Brian's free arm.

I was trying to get closer to Brian. How and when did that happen? I dropped Brian's hand. Was this excited, nervous tingling what I should be feeling? What I shouldn't? I stared, having no idea what to say. I took a short breath. “I'm off to catch up on school work—or wedding sewing, whichever distracts me first.” I tried to laugh, but it probably came out as a nervous chuckle.

“Okay.” Brian didn't move. He looked at me in the most peculiar way. It made my heart jump.

I quickly took the steps down to my apartment. I closed the door, leaned my back against the wall, and took a few deep breaths. How had Brian made me feel that way? Made my heart jump and made me want to be closer to him? For most of the year, he'd fit into a tidy box of other brother and protector. The lines suddenly felt all blurry, and I didn't know what to do next. Or if there was a “next.” Did I want to face him? Did I know what I wanted? Was there any chance of him feeling the change between us that I had?

I hitched my pack higher on my back. Finals weren't nearly as horrible as my first set had been. When I hit the end of the driveway, Brian and Nathan were climbing into his car.

“Julie's had her baby. You wanna go see her?” Brian asked.

“Yeah!” I jumped in the front seat, and Brian threw the car in gear. Finally, after all the months of waiting for her little girl… I felt as if I would burst.

“Your brother and Megan are on their way. They'll wait for us so we can all go in together.”

“Wow. This is so cool, huh?” I turned to say hi to Nathan in the backseat, but his headphones were on and he was absorbed in some kind of game.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I'm excited for them—for Stuart.”

I felt too excited to lean back in my seat and too excited for words or coherent thoughts.

“You made it!” Jaron waved from a bench near the main entrance.

“We made it.” I waved back.

Brian, Nathan, and I darted across the last roadway before the front door so we could walk in together.

I stopped just outside the doors. I watched them walk in ahead of me. I did not want to walk into that hospital. Why had I been excited to come? It suddenly didn't seem like a big deal to wait until they got home with the new baby. Jaron waved his arm for me to follow. I stood there, leaning forward until I had to take a step to prevent myself from falling.

The smell hit me first. The stinging smell of bleach, sickness, and antiseptic. I wrapped my arms over my stomach, as if they'd provide some protection from the nausea that always came with hospital smell. I didn't know where we were going. I just walked. Jaron gave me a quick rub across my shoulders. He knew I wouldn't want to be here. I should have mentally prepared myself in the car. The smell and feel held way too many memories for me.

Brian glanced my direction several times as we moved through the hallways. I didn't meet his gaze. I needed to concentrate to calm myself.

My nerves settled slightly when we walked into the maternity wing. When I stepped into Julie's room, it felt like the Spirit wrapped His arms around me and held me tight. I took a deep breath in. I thought back to the times when I'd felt that Spirit in my hospital rooms. It was different in Julie's room. It wasn't me getting a glimpse of life beyond the veil to ease my fears. It was life coming through. I felt peaceful despite the fussy half-cries I could hear coming from the new baby in Julie's arms.

Jaron, Megan, Brian, and Nathan followed me in. Julie rested in her bed with the baby in her arms, looking happy, tired, and stressed. I didn't see Stuart. Our disturbance made the fussy noises turn into an outright protest. The people next to me cringed.

“Leigh!” Julie smiled. “Wow, all of you came.” She gestured for us to continue into the room.

Megan and the boys still looked jolted by the sound of the new baby, but nothing was going to stop the peace that I felt in that room. I stopped next to Julie to see the most perfect little red-faced baby.

“You can hold her if you want,” Julie offered. I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't sure if I'd take her up on it. “You can meet baby Cassandra.”

I smiled widely and slid my arms slowly underneath her tiny body. She was all wrapped up in a tight bundle of blanket. I couldn't believe they'd used my name for her. I sat down on the small couch. I lay baby Cassandra on my lap, her head on my knees, my hands supporting her. Her screams settled into quieter noises. I leaned down and carefully kissed her on her smooth forehead. I sat in my own little world of baby. Nothing else mattered in that moment.

“We'll wait outside,” Jaron said quietly.

I ran my fingers over her tiny hands. I touched her face and pulled her knit hat down over her soft ears. She looked so tiny and perfect, brand new from our Father in Heaven. I soaked her up and breathed her in. I felt her small body relax as she drifted into sleep, her small lips making subtle movements. I could have sat and stared at her newness and perfection for hours. Her little face scrunched up, even in her state of sleep, and her skin was smooth and almost translucent. I ran my thumbs over her cheeks, unwilling to not be touching her in some way.

I looked up as the door opened and Stuart came in.

“Ah, the baby tamer is here,” he whispered. He stared at the baby in my lap and then over at his wife. Julie's face held nothing but love for the man who stood beside her. My throat tightened, and I felt tears in my eyes. It was their moment, not mine. I wouldn't get this moment for myself. The pain of the realization hit me with an unseen force that felt like a brick wall. I stood, careful not to jostle the sleeping baby, and put her in her daddy's arms.

“Thanks.” I managed to whisper to Julie on my way to the door. “She's perfect.”

How did I not see it coming? I'd been around Julie for months soaking in her experience. I already knew it wasn't mine to have. I knew. I'd been crying small tears of both sadness and joy for months. What was wrong with me? I couldn't take a deep breath. My heart hammered, drowning out any other sound. Numbness spread. Fingers, toes, face. I concentrated to put one foot in front of the other. I stepped out of Julie's room, and the hospital smell hit me again. Another brick wall. I saw Jaron, Megan, and Brian watch me through blurry vision. I passed them. I had to find the door out. It felt as if I was stumbling. I caught myself from hitting the floor with each and every step.

“Leigh?” Jaron jogged to catch up to me.

“I just want out of here,” I said quietly, not slowing down.

“Come on, let me help you…” he reached out and touched my arm.

I pushed his arm away without looking over. “No.” I said it with more force than I meant to. “Let me be alone for a while. Can you manage that?” I needed away. I needed to be alone. I felt too stupid for feeling the way I did to want company. I'd been a part of it, of all of it. I'd known everything. Why did it have to hit me now?

“But…”

“I'll meet you at home.” My voice turned pleading, and I looked over at him. “Please, Jaron…”

He stopped and let me walk away.

I pushed the door open and took in a deep breath in a desperate attempt to get rid of the hospital air. It helped only a little. I stopped and used my hands to wipe the tears from my face. I kept walking. Darkness had spread over the parking lot in the few moments we were inside.