The Next Door Boys (31 page)

“I can get you. I just put Nathan to bed. Stuart and Julie can listen for him.”

I wondered how much “I told you so” I might get on the way back home. Then I realized that wasn't Brian's style. “Are you sure?”

“Well, we can't have you stranded, can we?” He sounded so nice. “Where are you?”

I cringed. “Temple Square?”

“You're in Salt Lake,” he said evenly.

I nodded and then realized he couldn't see me nodding.

“You're going to owe me, Leigh.” Only it didn't sound like I'd actually owe him at all.

“I know.” I wiped the tears from my face as my nose started to run. “I'm so sorry, Brian.” I sniffed a few times; I didn't even have a tissue with me.

“No, no, it's fine. I'll call you when I get close, okay?”

“Okay.”

I knew I had at least an hour to kill. It still felt fairly warm outside, which was good since I'd brought nothing with me. I walked around the wall to the east gate of Temple Square. Every time I passed through those gates, the rest of the world didn't matter. Like stepping into the temple, except still in open air. The familiar buildings and fountains held a quiet peace. I tried to soak it up to keep myself from thinking too much or breaking down into sobs, which I really didn't want to do until I got home.

My bench came into view, so I sat and tried to understand why Noah had been wrong for me. I looked back at the time we'd spent together. Why hadn't I prayed? How had I gotten so far off track?

The night started to cool, and I wondered how much longer it would be before Brian arrived. Darkness started to creep in, and there were very few people walking around. I hadn't slept the night before because I was sewing a dress that would never hold good memories for me. I hugged myself, looking for warmth from somewhere.

“Leigh?” Brian spoke quietly.

“How did you find me?” I looked over my shoulder at him. “I thought you were going to call.”

“I left my phone in the car. You're on your bench, anyway.” Brian shrugged.

Right.

“Ready?”

“I'm freezing.” I rubbed my hands up and down my arms as I stood up.

“Here.” He took off his light coat and gave it to me. The warmth wrapped around me, and I breathed in the smell of him. My body started to relax. He put his arm around my shoulder like my brother did to make me feel better, and I leaned into him. There were so many kinds of warmth that came from Brian.

“So, he didn't just leave you here, did he?” Brian unlocked the doors of his car. How had we gotten there so fast? Maybe it hadn't been fast. Maybe I wasn't noticing as much as I should.

“No.” I shook my head as I climbed in. The relief of being somewhere safe brought a whole new round of tears. “I don't know what happened. I knew he was going to ask, and I couldn't wait for it, and then when he did ask, I knew it was the wrong thing.” I used my palms to wipe my face a few times.

“How did he take it?”

I shook my head.

“How are you?” He studied my face, and his eyes found mine. I couldn't lie to Brian. He knew me too well.

“Not great.” I scooted down in the seat and slid off my heels. “Is it weird that I really, really liked him, thought I might be in love, and then had to say no?”

“No, I don't think that's weird at all.” He put the car into gear and pulled out.

“And even though it's the right thing and I know I did the right thing, it hurts like it wasn't right at all.” That marked the end of my self-control. I could feel my tears flowing freely down my cheeks again as my body shook, and I felt bad that Brian was stuck in the car with me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs to keep them there. “I'm sorry.” I took in another breath of air. I lay my head against the window of his car.

“It's okay.” He reached over and rubbed my shoulder.

I stared out the window but didn't actually see anything. “You know…” I didn't move, just talked. “I sort of felt like Noah was a step above me, but he isn't—not in the way that counts.” I wondered if Brian understood what I was trying to say.

“Noah isn't a step above you in any way, Leigh. You're miles ahead of him—and the rest of us, for that matter.”

It was a nice thing to say, but I didn't feel that way. I'd neglected everyone just to spend more time with someone I shouldn't have been spending any time with. If I'd been better about listening to them, it wouldn't have gone on for nearly as long as it had.

I didn't have anything left to say. Not right then. I stared out the window at the blur of lights, thankful beyond words that Brian had been able to come get me.

We pulled up to the house behind Jaron and Megan. Megan jumped out of the car with a huge smile on her face.

“We're getting married!” She yelled toward me, holding her hand out so I could see. Brian and I still sat in his car. Jaron stepped out of his side and waved at us through the glass.

“I didn't know that was coming.” I felt hurt. I figured my brother would have told me.

“You've been a little preoccupied lately.” Brian looked over at me.

“You don't think I'm horrible, do you?” I reached out and took Brian by the arm as he reached for his door handle. He looked down at my hand and then up at me. I didn't know why I felt like I needed his approval, but I did. Megan tapped my window with her ring, wanting me to come out.

“No, I don't think you're horrible. I think you're very brave.” Brian reached out as if to touch my face, but his hand stopped, and he turned and stood up. He and Jaron hugged one another.

I took a deep breath, got out of the car, and threw my arms around Megan. It was hard to be excited for her when I wanted to bury myself in my room, but I didn't want her to think I was anything but thrilled about their engagement.

“I'm so happy for you two.” I held her in my arms for a long hug.

“Thanks, Leigh.” She stood back. “I was worried about what you'd think.”

I shook my head. Jaron and Megan were perfect together. I knew he'd be happy with her and that really was the most important thing.

“Wanna come sit for a bit?” Jaron reached out and took her hand to lead her away with him. They walked up to the back porch together as closely as possible. Jaron looked down at Megan's beaming face like he sat in the best place in the world. It made my chest feel hard and heavy.

“Let me walk you home, Leigh.” Brian didn't wait for my response. He put his arm around me and led me to my door.

“Can I ask you something?” I stopped and looked at him. I glanced at Jaron sitting on the porch next door with Megan half on his lap. They were in their own little world. They certainly didn't need their evening interrupted by the problems Leigh stuck herself in.

“Sure.”

I looked back to Brian. “Do you promise to answer honestly?” I folded my arms, still in the warmth of his jacket.

“I promise to try.” A corner of his mouth pulled up.

I sighed. “I knew it would be a sacrifice for someone to want to be with me because I can't have kids, but…”

“Leigh, that's craziness. Whoever you choose to be with will feel like the luckiest man in the world, not a guy who had to give up something to be with you.”

I rolled my eyes. “You're just as bad as my brother. I knew I wouldn't get an honest answer from you.” I grabbed my doorknob.

“You don't think I'm being honest just because I didn't give you the answer you expect?”

I shrugged. “You did give me the answer I expected… from you.”

“I gave you the honest answer.” He looked at me, resting a hand gently on each shoulder. “A long time ago, you told me that all the things we've done or all the things that have happened to us make us the people we are now. You change a part of that, you might change all of it.” I'd said that to him Nathan's first night there. “Have you prayed about it?”

I laughed. “Now you're sounding like me, and of course I have. ‘Ways will be provided’—this is the answer I get over and over again.” I sighed and leaned against the doorframe. Brian's hands slid away.

“Hard to have faith in that?” he asked.

“Sometimes,” I answered quietly.

“You need sleep, Leigh, I can tell. Call if you need anything, okay? Actually, I'm headed to work. But still, don't be afraid to call me or your brother.”

I nodded. “Brian, I don't know how to thank you. Not just for tonight, but for trying to watch out for me the way you do.” I didn't know what else to say.

He stepped toward me and put his large arms around me. I relaxed into him. Brian was nice that way. I slid out of his jacket as he let me go and handed it back to him.

“Night, Leigh.” He pulled away and walked to his car. He still had a long night ahead of him.

I tried to cry myself to sleep. But I didn't sleep. I cried. Even though I knew it was the right thing, it still stung. I'd let myself get attached to someone without being prayerful about it. It had just happened, but I knew I wouldn't do it again. Another lesson learned. First, don't be too nice to boys. Second, don't date boys unless you've spent some time on your knees. How many more lessons would I have to learn? That was it for me. No boys.

I gave up on sleep and wandered outside in the dark. I headed to my hammock, but I heard Brian's car in the driveway, so I stopped and turned around.

“Uh-oh,” he said as he climbed out of his car.

“Can't sleep.” I shrugged.

“Did you sleep last night?”

I thought back. I hadn't. I'd been working on my beautiful, soft grey dress that I never wanted to see again. I shook my head.

“Leigh… I really, really don't want to have to take you to the hospital.” He laughed.

“Yeah, I don't want to go.” I smiled back at him.

“Dizzy?”

“More by the minute. I didn't realize how tired I was.” It had been months since I'd felt that way.

“Have you eaten anything?”

I felt stupid. “We didn't get as far as dinner.”

Brian thought for a moment. “Come on over. I usually make myself a snack before I go to sleep. It's hard to go from happy bartender to sleepy.” I was so relieved that he was making this middle of the night conversation and meal feel like a normal thing.

“Okay.”

Brian put his arm gently around my shoulder to lead me to his apartment. I felt grateful for him again and the way he looked out for me—without judgment and without condescension.

Jaron stumbled out of his room when we came in.

“Leigh?” He squinted in the kitchen lights.

“Hey Jaron. Congrats.” I gave him a hug. “I didn't take the time to do it properly before.”

“Are you trying to distract me from the fact that it's Brian's bedtime and you're still awake?” he asked.

“No. I can't sleep.” I stepped away and crossed my arms tightly against myself.

“You have something for that.” He looked at me knowingly.

“You know, Leigh, I was thinking…” Brian said as he started scrambling eggs.

“Yeah?”

“Don't be offended.” He stopped to look at me. “Maybe your sleeping has more to do with anxiety than recovery? You might be able to do something less severe than your sleeping pills, do it more regular, and not have this problem anymore.”

I hadn't thought of that. I'd always thought of anxiety as being one of those things that was in your head. It didn't seem like any kind of a solution.

“Hear me out.” He started dishing up two plates of scrambled eggs. “You have problems sleeping when you're overly stressed out. Then you're stressed, tired, and hungry because you forget to eat, right?”

“Yeah.”

“It sounds like anxiety.”

I must have looked skeptical.

“After spending two years in a war zone, it took me a while to settle down. I still struggle with it from time to time, as you know. Anyway, it might be a really simple fix.” He sat down and pushed my plate in front of me. “The meds didn't make me feel weird or anything. They just helped me keep relaxed so I could sleep and function well. I don't take them anymore.”

“Yeah, okay.” I shrugged. “I'll make a call to Dr. Watts. Make him feel like he's earning his money.”

“Brian told me about your night,” Jaron said suddenly.

“I hope that was okay. I was just…” Brian started.

“No, no, it's fine. Better you telling him than me having to relive it.” I pointed my fork at Jaron. “There will be no more boys for Leigh Tressman.”

“Oh, come on.” Jaron sounded incredulous.

“Not for a while.” I shook my head and took another bite. Brian made excellent scrambled eggs.

“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Leigh. I should have talked with you more,” Jaron said.

“Don't feel bad, Jaron, I wouldn't have listened.” I took another bite.

He laughed at me then.

“I'm happy for you and Megan. You two are perfect for each other.”

“Well, I think so too.” He smiled back. “Okay, well, I'm in the middle of my sleeping time. I need to get back to bed.” Jaron stood up. “How are you feeling?”

“A little better now that I've eaten.”

“Let me walk you home.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

“Thanks for the… breakfast?” I looked over my shoulder at Brian.

“No problem.” He looked at me like there was more to say or that he wasn't ready to go to bed. Maybe something was unfinished.