The Ocean Between Us (15 page)

Grace stepped into the glaring sunlight of the upper deck of the hangar where Steve’s office was located. Kevin Killigrew was not at his desk; she spotted him halfway down the hall at the water cooler, animatedly relating some story to his co-workers. People said women were gossips, she thought. Those people had probably never worked with military men.

She headed straight down the hall to Steve’s office. The door was marked with a plaque engraved with his name and rank. She smiled, filled with the anticipation of sharing her news with him.

She should have done this a long time ago. Well, better late than never. She loved her life, but deep down, she wanted more. She adored her family, but she had been gradually disappearing as their needs eclipsed her own. This was his world, this place of busy offices and plaques on the wall, scurrying aides and ringing phones. Grace didn’t have a world of her own, and more and more she needed that.

She had once dreamed of running her own business, building it up, looking after clients and having the satisfaction of knowing she did her job well. Until now, the Navy way of life—picking up and moving every few years—had seemed like an insurmount
able obstacle to her dreams. Lately she was coming to realize it was an artificial barrier.

There was no point in psychoanalyzing herself. Her business was off the ground. She had three potential clients. And if she was a success, buying the house would no longer be a bone of contention.

It was the perfect news to share with him the day before deployment. A happiness she hadn’t felt in a long time lit her like the sun. She was nervous, excited and even a bit defiant as she knocked once and then let herself in rather than obeying protocol and waiting. The heck with protocol. She was bursting with her news.

“Steve, guess what? I—” She broke off as a young officer stood, cap in hand, and turned to her in deference. Her smile disappeared.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know I was interrup…” Her voice simply died. She could do nothing but stare, frozen by shock and willful incomprehension. She took in the features one by one: clear blue eyes, clean-cut face, glossy dark hair. Broad shoulders, slim hips. Square-shaped hands with thick fingers. Every button and crease in place.

Nothing computed in her mind. She was trapped in a dream where nothing made sense. Here she stood, staring at a perfect stranger who looked exactly like Steve had when she first met him. The young Steve swam before her eyes, and the Steve who was her husband seemed to float in the background, distant as a mirage.

The mirage spoke. “Grace, this is Lieutenant Joshua Lamont. Lieutenant Lamont, my wife, Mrs. Bennett.”

“How do you do, ma’am.”

I have no idea.
Somehow, she mechanically reached out and shook his hand. She felt her lips moving but had no idea what she was saying.

“Lieutenant, I’ll take this matter under advisement,” said Steve. His voice sounded distant and hollow. “You’re dismissed.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Good day, ma’am.” With his cap tucked under his arm, Lamont saluted, then stepped out of the office and shut the door.

Steve came around the desk and reached for her. But suddenly he was a stranger.

She stepped away from him and folded her arms. “So he’s what, your long-lost nephew?” She ached for him to deny what she knew, to tell her it was a bizarre coincidence. But it was futile to hope, for Steve had no brothers or sisters. Unless he was hiding that, too.

“No. He’s…mine.”

For the first time she peered through the haze of shock and studied his face. He looked as pale and shaken as she felt. Because he was shocked, too? Or horrified that she’d discovered his secret?

Dear God.

“So what is this? Are you one of those guys who keeps two of everything in different parts of the world? Two women? Two sets of kids—”

“Gracie, you know better than that.”

“Actually, I don’t.” She was numb all over, even though she knew she should be feeling the sharp heat of rage. She was like a burn victim. The damage was apparent, but had gone so deep she couldn’t feel it. “I really don’t know anything right now.”

He shoved his hand through his hair. “Let me explain.”

She should probably walk out now. Save her pride, make him come crawling to her, begging for… She had no idea what he’d beg for. Steve Bennett had never begged in his life. Besides, he was leaving in the morning, and even a marital crisis of epic proportions wouldn’t stop him. There was no time for begging and crawling. Also, she wanted to hear what he had to say. A part of her was morbidly curious, like a rubbernecker at a car wreck.

She didn’t dare move. If she moved, she’d collapse like a house of cards. If she said anything more, her voice would betray the welling tide of hurt and anger building inside her. Out of necessity, she stayed quiet, waiting. For what, she wasn’t certain. She wondered if there was anything he could say to make this right.

“I married a girl right out of high school,” he said.

She tightened her grip on herself.
Married.
He was married and she never even knew.

“Her name was Cecilia King. Cissy, everyone called her. We got married right after I finished basic training. The two of us were just kids. We were together less than six weeks, and then I got deployment orders. She promised she’d be waiting when I got back.” He steepled his fingers together. Grace thought maybe his hands were shaking, but she didn’t budge. She was not going to help him.

He didn’t explain it very well. “She didn’t last five weeks after I left,” he said. “It was a lot harder to be at sea then. There was no e-mail, almost no chance to phone.”

Grace remembered those days. On rare occasions, they would luck into a ham radio operator who would orchestrate a phone call. Other than that, they had to rely on paper mail and photographs.

“I got a letter,” he continued, “saying she’d met someone. An orthodontist from Atlanta. She used her power of attorney to end the marriage.”

She shut her eyes and pictured him as a boy alone at sea, getting a Dear John letter early in his first cruise. Her heart lurched and threatened to soften, but she wouldn’t allow it.

“I signed the papers and never saw her again,” Steve said, his hand going to the St. Christopher medal around his neck. “I never spoke of her or let myself think about her. There were almost no reminders. She was someone I hardly knew, and she just wasn’t a part of my life. I never heard from her again and never expected to. I had no idea she was pregnant. None at all, I swear, or I would have insisted on having contact with him.”

Him.
Joshua Lamont, the Naval officer she’d just met was Steve’s son. His firstborn.

“He said his stepfather legally adopted him at birth. He always knew he was…he’d been fathered by someone else.”

Somehow, Grace dredged up her voice. “And it took him this long to find you?”

“He could’ve found me anytime he wanted,” Steve said. “But he didn’t want to. He didn’t come here on a quest or spiritual journey, searching for his birth father. He learned he was probably going to be under my command. He did the right thing and sought me out.”

“Can you have a—” She couldn’t say it. “Can you have him under your command?”

“Absolutely.”

“So why would he come to you now?”

“You saw him, Grace. It was the right thing to do. We have no legal relationship. There’s no reason he cannot serve under my command.”

He spoke as though he believed that was the only issue created by Joshua Lamont. Maybe he thought it was.

“I can’t believe you kept this from me,” she said.

“I told you, Grace, I didn’t know she was pregnant.”

“You knew you were married and divorced. Why on earth did you never tell me?”

He looked so mystified by her question that she wanted to smack him. “There was nothing to tell.”

“There was the truth,” she snapped. “Or didn’t you think the truth should matter?”

“Of course it matters. But…my marriage to Cissy was a mistake, and I wasn’t proud of what happened.” He touched her shoulder. “I didn’t want you to know I’d failed at marriage—or anything.”

She pulled away. “You don’t make a lifelong commitment to someone while holding back such a huge thing. You were married, Steve. I deserved to know that.”

“Why would I sabotage my chances with you?” he demanded. “Jesus, Grace, I wanted you to trust me—”

“Then you shouldn’t have lied to me.”

“I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did. It’s a lie by omission. You want trust, after keeping this from me for twenty years? I deserved to find out from you, not from seeing your grown son.” She couldn’t get the image of Joshua Lamont or the sound of his smooth Southern accent out of her head. No matter what he said about this being official business, she was certain he knew as well as she did that it was personal. He was Steve’s son. Regardless of who raised him, he grew up to be a Navy flyer, not an orthodontist.

She thought about her own children, and her sense of horror and betrayal deepened. “What are you going to tell the kids?”

“We don’t have to tell—”

“No, we don’t,” she said, tears burning her throat. “You do. And it had better happen tonight, because you’re leaving in the morning.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he said.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“It’ll only upset them, Grace.”

“You think?” She gave a pained laugh. “Whatever gave you that idea?”

Suddenly she couldn’t look at him anymore. The sight of him took her apart. Only moments earlier, she’d rushed in to tell him her news, the news that was going to help mend the rift in their marriage. Who was she kidding? The gulf between them was wider and deeper than she’d feared.

Just a few minutes ago, she couldn’t wait to see him. Now she couldn’t get away fast enough.

She had her hand on the doorknob when he said, “Gracie, wait. Let’s talk about this.”

She turned back to him. “We should have done that twenty years ago.”

“Well, we didn’t. So we’ll discuss it here. Now. You have to listen to me, Grace. Sit down, and we’ll talk this out so we both can understand.”

She wasn’t sure which did it, the autocratic tone or the patronizing words. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she needed to get away from here, to find some private place where she could think about the bomb that had been dropped into her life and figure out what to do about it.

She stepped out of the office and pulled the door shut. She could feel every eye in the office on her as she headed for the stairs.

When Lauren opened the door of her house, Josh didn’t bother with a greeting. “I don’t know what I need worse,” he said, striding inside. “You, or a bottle of tequila.” He grabbed the whole lovely five-foot-nine length of her, pushed her back against the wall of the entryway and kissed her. Hard. The scent of her hair filled his senses. Of all the women he’d dated, she smelled the best. He figured that had to mean something.

She gripped his upper arms and leaned back. She’d liked the kiss. He could see it in the way her eyes drifted half-shut.

“Nice to know I rate up there with a bottle of tequila,” she said.

That was another thing he liked about her, she didn’t let him get away with anything. Other women he’d known put up with a lot—too much—from him. When he was in pilot training, he discovered that everything he’d heard about Navy pilots was true. Women literally threw themselves at him, launching their well-endowed assets into his arms everywhere he went. Bars and honky-tonks were strung like Mardi Gras beads all along the beaches of Pensacola, and in every one, the women were waiting—and willing.

He’d loved it and had his share of fun. But after a while he dis
covered that he wanted more than sex out of a relationship. He kept the revelation to himself, because it made him seem like a misfit among the hard-drinking, womanizing pilots of his training wing. But he couldn’t change who he was, couldn’t stop wanting what he wanted—a life, not just a good time. Now, for the first time, he saw the possibility of both.

She went to the kitchen and returned with a shot glass, a lime cut into wedges and a shaker of salt. She took a bottle of El Patrón from a cabinet. “So here we are. Tequila and me.”

He grabbed her again, loving the feel of her in his arms. Thanks to his training schedule, he only had time to take her out maybe once or twice a week. But each time he saw her, he became more and more convinced that they were meant to be together. Especially now. She was the exact person he needed this minute, in the aftermath of the difficult meeting with Bennett. He knew he should have called his mother immediately to let her know how things had gone, but he was learning to listen to his heart. And his heart told him Lauren was the one he wanted right now.

“So tell me,” she said, drawing him over to the sofa. They sat down together and she draped her legs across his lap.

Josh shut his eyes briefly. He was falling for her so fast and so hard, he was getting vertigo. With an unexpectedly steady hand, he poured a shot of tequila and knocked it back.

“That bad, huh?” she asked.

“It’s about my family.”

She tilted her head to one side. “I’m listening.”

He closed his eyes again, trying to pick the place to start. “My father was actually my stepfather.”

She widened her eyes comically. “I’ll set up a press conference.”

“I’m not finished.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Okay. So I was raised by my mother and stepfather. No big deal, happens to lots of people. My parents told me who my biological father was as soon as I was old enough to understand. Again, no big deal.”

“So what’s the crisis?”

“He’s never known about me and today I had to tell him.” He opened his eyes to find her watching him expectantly. “You sure you want to hear this?”

“Are you kidding? And here I was going to watch reality TV shows all night.”

“It’s not that complicated. My mom married for the first time as soon as she got out of high school. He was a Navy guy. They divorced after just a few months and she married Grant, my stepdad, before I was born. My dad adopted me at birth, and he’s the only father I’ve ever known or ever wanted to know.”

“You’re lucky,” she said softly. “I always wanted a dad.”

He touched her hand. “I loved him with all my heart. Turns out they couldn’t have kids, so he gave me plenty of attention. A lot more than I deserved, probably.”

Lauren shifted in his lap, resting her face against his shoulder. “Why couldn’t they have any more children?”

“I don’t know. Didn’t ask for details. Grant was older than my mother. He didn’t have kids from his first marriage, so I suppose I assumed the problem was his.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be nosy.”

He turned her face up to meet his gaze. “You’re not nosy. I want you to know everything about me, Lauren.”

For a moment, she looked panicked. He laughed and poured her a shot of tequila. Clearly that was a conversation for another time. She took a sip and grimaced. “So did you like being an only child?”

“It’s not like I had a choice. But I always swore I’d have a big family when it was my turn.” He touched her hand, wondering if she caught his meaning.

She studied their joined hands. “So I’ll bet you’re the apple of your dad’s eye.”

“I was. And he was everything to me. Goddamned everything.” Josh looked out the window at the mountains across the Sound, pink with the sunset. I miss you, Dad, he thought. “He died a year ago.”

“Aw, Josh.” She cupped her hand along his jaw. “I’m sorry. Here I am joking around while you—”

“You’re exactly what I need,” he said. “Exactly.” He brought her hand to his mouth and placed a kiss in her palm.

“What was he like?” she asked softly.

“Caring. Funny and smart. The whole time I was growing up, he wanted me to go into orthodontics with him. I think he and my mother dreamed of a family partnership.” Josh helped himself to more tequila and remembered his father’s advice: “Don’t let your work define you. If you do, it’ll swallow you whole.” Grant had given his trademark mischievous grin. “No chance of that happening in orthodontics, son.”

He was right about that. The profession was stable, respected, lucrative. As a partner in a prosperous group practice, Josh would have it all—the country club membership, the big house in Buckhead, the debutante wife, as many kids as he wanted.

He looked into Lauren’s eyes and admitted the truth. “I saw all the advantages of what he was offering me, but I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t make it my dream.”

“And you feel guilty for that?”

“Yeah, I do. Hell, the guy raised me. Gave me everything he had. All he wanted in return was for me to follow in his footsteps, and I refused to give him that.”

“Oh, come on, Lamont. He loved you. I get that. He wanted you to have the life you chose, not the one he picked out for you.”

“My going into the Navy was a slap in the face to him.”

She shook her head. “Yeah, I’m sure he thought it was a real shame, you making it through the Naval Academy.”

“Okay. All right, so I could have done worse. I just wish I could’ve made myself want something else instead of this.” He shook his head. “I almost left the Navy to be with my mom when he died. She was pretty torn up. Still is.”

“But you stayed in the Navy.”

“I incurred years of service for the Academy and pilot training. But over and above that commitment, I wanted this. I convinced
myself that it would’ve been a huge mistake to shape my own life around my mother’s needs.”

“I think the lady raised you right.”

“She never would have asked me to quit, even though she hated the idea of me being in the Navy.”

“Most mothers are proud to have a son in the Navy,” Lauren said.

“Not mine. She did her best to talk me out of going to Annapolis, but she knew I wouldn’t give up on it.” He kept a firm hold on Lauren’s hand. “She also knew it meant I was eventually going to contact my biological father.”

“The Navy guy.”

“Yes. He’s an officer now. A pilot.” Over the years, Josh had viewed Bennett from a distance, seeing his service portrait in Navy publications. He’d never felt anything but curiosity. After today, he felt something else, but he wasn’t quite sure what that was.

Lauren was quiet for a long time. Then she reached for the bottle. “So, who is he?”

“Captain Steve Bennett. He’s second-in-command of the air wing of the
Dominion
.”

“Did you choose flying because of him?”

“I hope not. I hope I chose it because of me.” He smoothed his hand over Lauren’s hair. Each moment he spent with her, he felt more comfortable. He’d never been so at ease, talking with a woman. She had a way of listening that made the words come easily. “It’s kind of like I’ve been following a ghost,” he admitted, “taking after a guy I’ve never met, a guy who didn’t mean squat to me except for his contribution to my DNA. For all I knew, he was a complete asshole.”

“Gosh,” she said. “Just like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader.”

“Very funny.” But she was, he realized. She made him smile even when he didn’t feel like it. She made the world seem lighter. He was so damned glad he’d come here.

“So you finally met him.”

“I had no choice. Eventually, I’ll be on the same carrier as Bennett. There were formalities to get out of the way.”

“So what’s Darth Vader like?”

Josh hesitated. Based on one meeting, he didn’t know. Today Bennett had been a professional to the last inch of his shadow. He’d allowed himself only a moment of shock. Then he’d been all business. But there was an image stuck in Josh’s head of Bennett being awakened late on a summer night by a pair of MPs, dropping off a young woman who was probably Bennett’s daughter. That was an incident Josh knew he wouldn’t share with anyone, not even Lauren.

He dug in his breast pocket and produced a folded page he’d torn out of the journal
Contrails.
There was a service portrait of Bennett posed next to the flag.

She stared at the photograph and caught her breath. “Are you sure he’s responsible for only half your DNA? My God, you’re clones.”

He nodded, feeling the floating strangeness he always experienced when considering his biological father. How could someone he’d never met be so…present in him?

He told Lauren about walking through the hangar today, garnering stares and generating whispers as he passed members of Bennett’s staff. The LDO in the outer office had almost pissed himself. Then, the moment Josh stepped into Bennett’s office, a shimmering sense of unreality took hold.

“Sir, my name is Joshua James Lamont. I was born in Atlanta, Georgia, on April 4, 1977. My mother’s name is Cecilia King Lamont.”

Bennett had looked as though he’d been sucker punched, but only for a moment. Then he turned to granite. Josh had not needed to explain anything further. In the interest of full disclosure, Josh explained, he felt compelled to let Bennett know of their biological link.

Both men had shielded themselves behind a rigid mantel of military professionalism. They did all right, but the facade had nearly crumbled when Bennett’s wife walked in on them.

“That poor woman,” Lauren said.

“I got out of there fast after she arrived.” He pictured Mrs.
Bennett’s face, pale with shock. She had kind, intelligent eyes that reflected pain and confusion with pinpoint accuracy.

“So what happens next?”

He slid his hand up her thigh. “You and I make love and live happily ever after.”

She shoved his hand away. “Very funny, Lamont.”

“I’m serious. You knew this was coming, Lauren.”

She lifted her legs off his lap and stood up. “I think you should go, Josh.”

A note of fear in her voice bothered him. “I’m not going anywhere. Look, I’ve spent the day being brutally honest, and I’m not through yet. We’re great together, Lauren. Damn it, you know we are.” He got up and planted himself in front of her. “I want you. I’m falling in love with you.”

She turned her face away and hugged herself. “Don’t say that.”

“I’ve been trying like hell not to. But I can’t keep it to myself anymore.”

“Listen, we’ve had a few laughs. You’re a great guy, and you’ve had one hell of a day. I admire you for what you did. I think you’re incredible. But this isn’t going to work. Maybe we should both move on.”

“Oh, sure. Like you’ve been moving on since your husband died?”

She recoiled as though he had struck her. But he kept talking. He wasn’t about to back down now. “You’re stuck, Lauren. If you don’t let yourself go, you’ll be stuck for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?”

“As opposed to the alternative you’re offering?” she snapped. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because we can never live happily ever after, no matter what you say. We’ll be happy until we break each other’s hearts.”

“I would never hurt you, Lauren.”

“You’re hurting me now,” she said. “Don’t you get it, Lamont? It hurts to want you this much and to know I can never have you.”

“Bullshit. You’ve got me now.”

“For how long? Until you ship out?”

That shut him up. He got it, finally. His commitment to the Navy was powerful enough to make him defy his parents. It would be powerful enough to compel him to leave the woman he loved when duty called.

“I don’t have what it takes to love you,” she said. “I won’t subject myself to a life of saying goodbye—”

“And saying welcome home,” he reminded her.

The tears in her eyes nearly took him apart. But then it hit him—the tears meant she cared.

He smiled at her gently, then closed his arms around her. “It’s going to be all right, darlin’,” he promised in a husky whisper. “You’ll get used to it.”

“How?” she asked.

“By believing in me. In us. Believing we’ll live happily ever after, I swear. Starting now.”

“I think you should go.” Her whisper lacked conviction. And she didn’t leave his embrace.

“Now, honey, there is pretty much only one thing in the world that’s going to make me walk away from you tonight. And that’s if you can look me in the eye and tell me I’m wrong about us.”

She pressed her forehead against his chest. “You’re—”

“Look me in the eye, Lauren. Or don’t say it at all.”

With a trembling effort, she pushed her fists against his chest and tilted her face up to his. The tears escaped, and he wanted so badly to kiss them away, to press her against him and promise everything would be all right.

That wasn’t what she needed, he reminded himself. She needed to face up to the things that lay between them, no matter how much it hurt. He stared into her eyes and felt love wash over him in a heavy wave. See me, he thought. See the way I feel for you.