The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (38 page)

[Jesus] sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else."

MARK 9:35

SLAVERY HARDENS THE HEART and creates anger, bitterness, and resentment. That is why wives who are forced to serve their husbands seldom truly love their husbands. It is hard to love someone who is treating you like a slave. When people serve others because they are forced to do so, they lose the freedom to serve genuinely.

Scripture calls for service that is freely given, not out of fear, but out of choice. It comes out of the personal discovery that "it is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35). This kind of service is the hallmark of true greatness. Jesus said that in his Kingdom, the greatest leader would be the greatest servant.

Serving our spouse is a way of practicing the teachings of Jesus. If service does not begin in marriage, where will it begin? Jesus said that every time we serve one of his creatures, we are serving him (see Matthew 25:40). This lifts our service to an even more noble level. Every time I vacuum floors for my wife, I am serving Jesus. Bring on the vacuum.

Lord Jesus, thank you for reminding us that when we serve each other, we are really serving you. Please help us to develop a humble attitude of service toward each other.

[Jesus] began to wash the disciples'feet, drying them with the towel he had around him.... [He said,] "Since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other's feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you." JOHN 13:5, 14-15

IN EVERY VOCATION, those who excel are those who have a genuine desire to serve others. The most notable physicians view their vocation as a calling to serve the sick and diseased. Truly great politicians see themselves as "public servants:" The greatest of all educators seek to help students reach their full potential.

It is no different in the family. Great husbands are men who view their role as helping their wives accomplish their objectives. And great wives are those who give themselves to helping their husbands succeed. In giving their lives to each other, they both become winners.

Holding on to your rights and demanding that your spouse serve you is exactly the opposite of what the Bible teaches. The Scriptures say, "Give, and you will receive" (Luke 6:38), not "Demand and people will do what you demand" The fact is, most people do not respond well to demands-but few people will reject loving service. Service follows the example of Jesus and is the hallmark of greatness.

Lord Jesus, I am awed by your example of service. If you willingly did a menial chore for your disciples, how much more should 1 be willing to serve my spouse? Please help me develop the right attitude of service.

Ahab went home angry and sullen because of Naboth's answer. The king went to bed with his face to the wall and refused to eat! i KINGS 21:4

JILL TOLD HER HUSBAND, Mike, that she wanted to spend a weekend at the beach with the women who worked in her office. Mike responded with silence. No explosions, no loud words, no arguing, no nothing-just silence. He had been silent for four days when Jill came to my office for help.

I made three guesses:

1. This was not the first time Mike had given her the "silent treatment."

2. Mike was very unhappy about the idea of Jill going to the beach with her friends.

3. Jill was not meeting Mike's emotional need for love.

I later learned I was right in all three guesses.

Let me assure you that if you want a healthy marriage, you must not settle for silence. If you are the partner who has stopped talking, you need to realize that you are shooting yourself in the foot and sabotaging your marriage. Being silent may be better than lashing out in anger, but as a longterm solution it rarely helps anything. One rather vivid biblical example of the silent treatment comes from King Ahab, a notoriously evil king of Israel. When a man named Naboth wouldn't sell his vineyard to the king, Ahab went home and lay on his bed with his face to the wall-definitely not a productive response.

If you are the person receiving the silent treatment, the first lesson is to understand that when your spouse stops talking, there is always a reason, and usually more than one. If you want your spouse to talk, you must think more and talk less. Criticizing your loved one for not talking will likely prolong the silence.

Father, forgive me for the times when! stop talking to my spouse out of anger. Please show me a better way to respond. And when my spouse is silent tome, please show me how to listen better and figure out the reason.

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close. Teach me how to live, 0 LORD. Lead me along the right path. PSALM 27:10-11

WHEN YOUR SPOUSE gives you the "silent treatment:' there are always reasons. Usually there's a contemporary reason, an emotional reason, and a historical reason. The contemporary reason is whatever has just happened that the spouse finds objectionable. For Mike, in our example from yesterday, it was Jill's announcement that she was going to spend the weekend at the beach with her women friends.

The emotional reason involves the deeper feelings triggered by the event. In our example, Mike did not feel secure in Jill's love. He reasoned, If she loved me, she would want to be with me-not go away for the weekend.

The historical reason often involves patterns of communication. Mike had learned the "silent treatment" in his childhood. His parents would not allow him to argue with them, so when he felt hurt or angry, he learned to be silent. If you learned negative patterns from your parents, I encourage you to remember that you are not stuck in them. The Lord can renew your mind and teach you new ways, as the passage above reminds us.

If you have been given the "silent treatment" by your spouse, here are the three questions you need to answer to address the three possible reasons for the situation:

nv What have I just done or failed to do that my spouse might have found objectionable?

nv Does my spouse feel secure in my love? Have I been speaking the right love language lately and connecting with his emotions?

nv What do I know about my spouse's history or childhood that might help me understand his silence?

Tomorrow we will talk about a strategy for breaking the silence.

Heavenly Father, you know how deep-seated some of our communication patterns are. Please show us the way to new, better ways of talking and dealing with problems. Thank you for teaching us.