The Outback Heart (24 page)
‘This will be fun, Jasp,’ she said to distract him. It worked. He smiled and cranked the music.
At Spud’s place, Indi drove down the long driveway around the family home, through the back sheds, around the silos and out into the side paddock. She could see the pile of dead trees and old mallee roots stacked in a high pile. Only Spud’s ute and James’s old Commodore were parked around the edge. Indi pulled up beside them. Between the utes and the pile of wood were camping chairs, spread out in an arc. Jasper got out and set up the two chairs they had brought alongside their esky.
Indi pulled on her beanie and jacket. It was a cold August afternoon. The paddocks alongside the one they were in were in crop, growing tall with rich green leaves, and the sky was a deep sapphire with grey clouds that teased them with misty drops. They had an open view of the horizon, looking out to the west, and could watch the sunset through the flames of the bonfire.
‘How come the fire’s not going yet?’ Indi asked no one in particular.
Spud walked out from behind his ute carrying a plastic jerry can. ‘I’m just about to get things going,’ he said with a smile as he began to pour the diesel over the dry wood.
‘Ah, nothing like a bit of woof wood,’ said Jasper, who’d pulled out two beers, handing one to Indi.
She pulled a stubby holder from her jacket pocket, her hands already cold. ‘I should have brought gloves,’ she said.
Jasper laughed. ‘You’re such a girl,’ he teased.
The shearing bus was next to pull up. Killer and the Kiwis got out, along with some of the rousies from their team. They parked the bus sideways and opened the sliding door.
The Duckworth brothers arrived in two utes, reversing up to the fire and letting down the tailgates. Lucky parked his clapped-out Magna in the same way and opened his boot. His esky took up the whole boot, chock full of ice and stubbies.
‘Now, that’s a boot,’ laughed Killer.
‘Fire in the hole,’ yelled Spud, as he lit a match and chucked it at the fire. Everyone watched as the pile of wood burst into flames casting a warm glow over them. A cheer went up.
Hours later, vehicles surrounded the bonfire, which was now glowing red with coals. Indi sat back in her chair beside Jasper, listening to the music that was blaring from Limp’s ute. He had massive speakers hooked up somehow, long cords running to the speakers perched on the roof of his ute, filling the night air with the Foo Fighters’ song ‘My Hero’.
The crowd had grown, and Indi spotted Grace and her friends – most of the younger people of Hyden had braved the cold to come. But it wasn’t too bad sitting by the fire. Indi had a drink in her hand, which warmed her insides, while she watched as the stars began to reveal themselves in the dark sky.
With the sun gone, so many people became black shadows moving around the fire, just a hint of dying sunlight outlining their shapes in orange. Mostly she could pick out who each silhouette was. Huey’s laugh was loud, deep, she could pick it anywhere. Others she could tell by the way they stood, like Limp who leaned back, his long body bent like a pole in the wind, and Killer who moved like a crab, his back stuffed from years of shearing.
Indi was surprised at how much she had needed tonight, to be out with her mates, enjoying herself – that was until Spud sat down beside her and gave her a grilling.
‘You’ve totally dissed us. What, are we too good for you now or something?’ he asked.
Indi smiled up at Spud, his ruggedly handsome face glowing in the firelight, the flames dancing across his eyes. ‘Yeah, that’s totally it. Try losing and I’ll come back,’ she teased.
Spud laughed but his face was still serious. ‘Really, Indi. Where’ve you been? We’ve missed you.’ He paused. ‘I’ve missed you. Training’s not the same. I only ever go to look at your butt.’
Indi slapped his shoulder. ‘I’ve been flat out like a bobtail on bitumen, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been missing you guys, too.’
Spud touched his heart. ‘Aww,’ he said.
She snorted between her laughs, her hand coming up to cover her mouth, which only caused Spud to cackle harder.
‘You crack me up, Indi.’
‘It’s good to see you laughing, sis,’ said Jasper, joining their conversation. ‘How’s Gracie going, Spud?’ he asked.
Indi shot a look at Spud. ‘No! You went there?’ she asked.
Spud smiled sheepishly.
‘Gracie and Spud are going steady,’ said Jasper.
‘No way!’ Indi couldn’t believe it. ‘For real?’ she asked him. Where had she been to miss that one?
‘Yep. She’s actually not a bad bird. I think she’s smitten,’ he said, glancing across the fire.
Indi followed his gaze and saw Grace. She smiled and waved at Spud and it was genuine. ‘Well, I’ll be. Good on you, Spud. I’m stoked for you.’
‘Thanks, Indi. A man could die waiting round for you,’ he teased before going to get another beer.
Indi felt her face drop. Spud’s words were innocent but they hurt as she pictured Troy.
Jasper pulled the empty beer out of her hand and replaced it with a fresh one, but he wouldn’t let her drink from it yet. ‘Wanna tell me what’s been bugging you?’ he asked, his hand holding her drinking arm down.
Indi pulled hard until he let go and she took a sip without replying. Jasper leaned over to her chair. ‘I’ve got all night, sis. I’ve already been patient enough but it must be something big if you haven’t told Tegan.’
She snapped her head across, meeting his gaze. ‘How do you know I haven’t talked to Tegan?’
‘First, she’s worried about you and has no clue what’s going on, although she hinted it was something to do with Yoda. And secondly, because she left so quick last week there was no way you could have told her anything.’
Indi sank lower into her chair, pulling her arms across her chest.
Jasper just sat there, watching her. She felt herself begin to break, as if the truth were trying to escape. As she gazed, hypnotised by the flickering flames, she found herself wanting to confide in her brother. He wasn’t Maddie or Tegan, but he was here and he wanted to listen. She used to joke that Jasper was not just her brother but her sister, too.
‘I like him a lot, Jasp,’ she said. ‘Actually, I like him more than a lot. But he pushes me away because he thinks he’ll die.’
Jasper didn’t talk, just sat there and waited, so she continued. She told him about Peta, about their heart transplants, Peta’s death, and she hinted at the fact that they’d been together.
‘Like
together
together?’ he quizzed.
‘Oh, don’t make me say it,’ she said, squirming in her chair.
Jasper shot her a big toothy grin, and she chuckled.
‘When he finally told me all this, I told him how I felt, you know? I wanted to be with him regardless but he didn’t want me. And he plans to leave after the finals.’
‘
What?!
’ Jasper asked, incredulous, and Indi felt bad for letting that out. She really didn’t want the team to know before the finals.
‘Shh, Jasp. You can’t tell anyone, okay?’ She shot him daggers, hoping he’d keep his mouth shut. ‘Look, Troy thinks he’s protecting me or maybe he’s just protecting himself.’ She threw her hand up. ‘Oh, I don’t know. I’m just . . .’ She didn’t really know what she felt. Confusion, hurt and loss. All of the above.
She could feel her emotions spiralling out of control, the tears threatening, her throat closing up. Then a roar went up around the other side of the bonfire.
‘Yoda! Yoda!’ they chanted.
Her heart leaped from her chest, and just about sizzled itself on the open flames. ‘Oh, no,’ she said. ‘I have to go.’
‘Indi, wait! You’re not driving home,’ said Jasper, grabbing her wrist.
‘I can’t face him, Jasp. I have to go.’ Indi sprang from her seat. She couldn’t see Troy in her current state. She’d probably sob at his feet, begging him to stay, or she’d throw her drink in his face and kick him – either one.
‘Indi?’ Jasper called but she forged on, tears running down her face.
She ran smack into a hard chest. ‘Hey, I was just coming back to talk to you.’
Indi didn’t want to lift her head but Spud had his hands on her arms as he caught her. She couldn’t speak without giving away her sobs.
Spud bent down to look at her but she stepped into him, burying her face into his jumper. She felt his arms wrap around her tightly. His head rested on her shoulder. ‘Indi, are you okay?’ he asked.
His strong embrace and his kind voice were enough to have her shaking with silent sobs.
‘Oh, matey, come on. This is not how I pictured you in my arms,’ he teased gently. ‘Come and sit down. We’ll talk.’
Indi shook her head against his chest. It was a warm safe place to hide and she didn’t want to leave. ‘I wanna go home,’ she managed to get out after sniffing back some tears. She leaned back enough just to see Spud’s face. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to go all girly, but I needed a hug.’
He smiled and nodded, before pulling her back into his arms. Indi wrapped her arms around him as she felt her breathing return to normal.
‘You can’t drive home, Indi, but I can take you back to the house if you want? Mum and Dad won’t mind if you crash in my room. Gracie has a big swag I can use,’ he said.
Indi chuckled. ‘Thanks, Spud, but I won’t take your bed. Could I go put my swag in one of your sheds?’ she asked.
‘Sure,’ he said, tucking her into his side as they walked to his ute. ‘You can sleep in the loft in the workshop shed. Jess will keep you company. No one will bother you there.’
‘Sounds perfect.’ She went and sat in his ute. Out the front it was dark except for the embers flicking up from the bonfire. Spud let Jess sit in beside Indi while he got her swag. Indi hugged herself against the cold until she felt Jess’s nose push in against her arm. ‘Hey, Jessie girl.’ Indi sank her fingers into Jess’s fur, pulling her close.
Indi wiped her cheeks as her heart began to settle. Patting Jess was a good release. God, she was a mess. Just seeing Troy sent her heart racing. He looked so gorgeous with his black beanie pulled low on his head, and the dark stubble scattered across his jaw gave him a bad-boy look. She’d never seen him so rugged and rough. Was he suffering too? She missed him so much. She missed their footy talk and their light-hearted jokes. She missed just standing by his side at training. She missed their friendship. And she’d miss it all a hell of a lot more when he left.
TROY
got out of his ute, which was parked behind the shearing bus, and pulled on his beanie. The cold air pricked his bare skin, sending chills through his body, but the sight of the big roaring bonfire with its warm blaze eased it slightly. He scratched at his stubble. It was getting itchy and he should shave, but he’d lost interest. He’d lost interest in most things. Even the daily paper couldn’t drag him out of his bed in the mornings.
He didn’t think it would be this bad, that Indi would just disappear from his life. He didn’t realise how much he would miss her. Footy training wasn’t the same. He still arrived hoping that she’d turn up, but also dreading it. Then she wouldn’t and he’d feel upset and relieved all at once. He’d stand on that oval, his eyes searching the road, hoping the next car to turn in would be hers. Even at the end of training he was still searching, still wanting to see her. It was madness.
He wouldn’t even be at the bonfire tonight if James and the boys hadn’t nagged him to come. Well, that and the fact that James had arrived at his house and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Troy has also decided to come for Indi, just in case she was here. He missed her smile, her cheekiness, her football-crazy mind – he missed her more than he’d let himself realise. Automatically his eyes scanned the area around the fire for her long, lean figure. Would he be able to find her in among all the beanied heads and bulky winter jackets?
The night was black, stars hanging like diamonds as shimmering embers from the fire rose up to meet them.
‘Yoda, you made it. ’Bout bloody time,’ yelled Killer, who staggered and did a little drunken sidestep to right his footing.
Limp pushed past him. ‘Hi, coach, bye, coach,’ he said as he bared his white arse and let it glow in the firelight.
‘Limp, put your junk away before it catches fire,’ he yelled after him. There was always one who stripped off.
A few of the other lads turned around, shouting out at Troy. Then they started cheering and calling his name. ‘Yoda, Yoda.’
Strangely, Troy was really taking a shine to these guys. It was going to make it hard to leave. He shook the thought from his head.
He headed around the edge of the fire, greeting people as he went. Jasper was a few metres away. Would Indi be close by? he wondered. Troy followed Jasper’s gaze. He was focused on a couple embracing.
Troy stopped. His breath caught in his throat. His heart pounded. He blinked, hoping what he saw wasn’t real. Indi was tucked up in Spud’s arms. Spud’s head was bent, like he was whispering into her ear and she was hanging on to him tightly. Just like she once had hung on to him.
Troy’s teeth began to throb from the pressure of clenching his jaw.
But he couldn’t move.
Frozen in fear. Had she moved on so easily? Had he pushed her away completely? Suddenly he realised just how much he wanted her back, how much he ached for her and just how much he loved her.
Spud wrapped Indi in his arms and together they moved off into the dark. Troy wanted to follow them, wanted to rip her out of Spud’s arms and pull Indi into his own. But he’d pushed her away. This was what he wanted for her, right?
Troy was motionless while inside his mind raged.
Spud?
Why was she with him? Had she just been lying when she’d told Troy she loved him? Had he hurt her that badly? He’d hoped she’d understand and move on, but to see her moving on already was like a shotgun to the heart. He felt like he’d been splattered across the paddock.
‘Yoda, you okay? You look like you’ve just stood in dog shit.’
Troy stopped staring into the darkness, Indi long gone, and turned to Jasper.
‘Come and sit down. We need to talk,’ Jasper said. He sat back in his chair and gestured for Troy to do the same.
Troy, somehow, managed to unbolt his feet from the ground and join Jasper.
‘Beer?’
‘Thanks,’ Troy said, taking it from him. It was ice cold, yet he felt numb to it.
‘So, wanna tell me what you’ve done to Indi?’
Troy jerked his head towards Jasper and studied the look on his face.
What does he mean? What does he know?
After a moment of silence, Jasper spoke. ‘Look, it may be none of my business, and you’ll probably tell me to go to hell, but she’s my only sister and she’s all messed up right now because of you.’
Troy opened his mouth but Jasper silenced him with a hand.
‘Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed – she’s been missing from training and our semi game. Indi loves her football and for her not to turn up is major. She’s trying to cope but she sucks at it.’
‘What do you know?’ Troy asked quietly. He was uncomfortable under Jasper’s gaze.
‘I know it all, and I know you plan to leave us after the footy wraps up.’
His mouth dropped open. ‘I . . . I’m waiting till the season ends,’ he said, as if that made it all better.
‘It still sucks. It’s hardly been six months and you’re just going to leave, like that?’
‘I would have said goodbye,’ he added, but even he could hear the lie. He couldn’t do goodbyes. Slipping away quietly was more his style.
‘Look, Indi told me about Peta.’ Jasper dropped his voice. ‘I know you’ve been through a lot and you’re pushing Indi away, but you don’t get it: Indi wants to be with you regardless.’
‘Jasper, I don’t want that life for her. I don’t want her to go through what I went through with Peta. Watching someone die? Indi deserves better.’
‘What she deserves is to have her own choice. Don’t you realise she’s already been there? She gave up her life to be with our mum, to look after her, to nurse her as she watched her slowly die. You’re not saving Indi from anything she hasn’t already been through. And you know what?’ Jasper said, poking Troy with his finger. ‘Indi would never do any of it differently. She and Mum got really close those last few months. W-we all did.’ His voice stammered. ‘Every moment we had left with Mum was so valuable —’ Jasper cut himself off.
Troy hadn’t really thought of it like that. Indi with her mum, knowing there was no cure for cancer and watching her slip away. At least Peta had a chance of a new heart. It just didn’t come in time.
‘Could you have walked away from Peta? Because that’s what you’re asking Indi to do.’
‘I . . . It’s different. Peta and I were already in love. It was too late.’ But realistically he’d known about Peta’s heart from the start and it had never stopped him loving her.
‘Indi obviously loves you, so you’re already breaking her heart.’
Troy glanced off into the darkness. ‘I don’t think so. She seems quite happy with Spud,’ he said. He couldn’t keep the jealousy from his voice. Just thinking about what they could be up to made him sick.
Jasper began to laugh but he cut it short when he saw how shocked Troy looked. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘She’s not with Spud. Spud’s just being a gentleman.’
Troy raised an eyebrow, not fully understanding.
‘You dick. She saw you, freaked and was crying on Spud’s shoulder. She can’t face you since you rejected her.’
Jasper’s frankness rattled him. ‘So she’s not . . .?’
‘You’re an arsehole. You throw her away and now you’re jealous.’ Jasper started to get angry but then his eyes grew wide as something else dawned on him. ‘Oh, you love her too, don’t you?’ Jasper began to chuckle again. ‘You can’t deny it – your face is a dead giveaway.’
‘Shut up,’ Troy growled but it was half-hearted. Inside he was soaring with the news that Indi still loved him. He didn’t want to lose her to another bloke. The thought of letting her go seemed like a brilliant idea but then he’d never pictured her in the arms of someone else either. Oh, how that changed everything.
‘So you think I should give it a try? You wouldn’t hate me if I up and died on her tomorrow?’ Troy searched Jasper’s face, waiting for his answer.
‘Man, Peta’s death really fucked you up, didn’t it? I’m sorry you had to go through that, but that’s life. People die all the time. We have to move on for them, keep them in our memories, of course, but we’re living for them, don’t you see?’ Jasper touched his finger to Troy’s chest. ‘That heart you have, do you know where it came from?’
‘I have a pretty good idea.’
‘Well, how do you think that person would feel to know you’re not really using it? You’re living for two people now, mate. You owe that heart all the emotions it can get, whether it’s love, anger, pain or jealousy. Don’t you know that’s living, and without all that what have you got? Nothing. You’ve shut out everyone who cares about you. You’re hurting them but you’re also hurting yourself. I know you think you’re saving everyone, but you’re not. Not really. Indi could find someone else and lose that person in an accident. Hell, she could get hit by a bus and
you’ll
be on your own.’
Jasper did have a point.
‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?’ Jasper asked.
‘Yeah, a sister. Gerry.’ For all he knew she probably had pink hair and tattoos by now, or maybe she had a boyfriend. Heck, maybe she even had a kid?
‘What if Gerry died tomorrow, then who have your parents got left? Don’t you think they deserve to at least have some happy memories of you to keep with them? You may not even die and you could have missed out on years and years of good times.’ Jasper sighed. ‘Are you getting anything I’m saying?’
Troy nodded. He wondered if maybe he’d mellowed over the years, or maybe falling for Indi had changed him. Did this mean he was forgetting everything he went through with Peta? He had to admit that he remembered more of the good times with her and less of the final hospital days. They say that time heals. Maybe they were right?
Troy didn’t need any more convincing. He felt like he’d just been given a free pass to keep Indi. Closing his eyes, he pictured himself calling his mum, dialling their home number on the farm. His emotions built up as he realised how much he missed them all. For so long he’d denied himself love. He needed to get out of here before he lost his cool. Getting up out of the chair, he kept his eyes firmly on the ground.
‘Troy?’ said Jasper. ‘Where you going? Hey, I’m sorry,’ he yelled out as Troy charged away.
But it was too late, Troy had slipped into the dark, was headed back to his ute. He needed some time alone to think. He’d been this way for so long, he didn’t know how to get the old Troy back.
Back at his house he sat at the kitchen table, Peta’s photo in his hands, his half-drunk beer in front of him. He touched her face, remembering the feel of her hair, so silky in his hands. He remembered her smile and her infectious laughter. But now he also had visions of Indi in his arms, her laugh and the feel of her hair. Was it possible to love so strongly again in one life?
Troy pulled down the neck on his jumper and stared at his scar. Peta had once told him he was not defined by his scar, so why, then, had he been living as though he was?
‘What would you do, Peta?’ he asked. ‘What would you do?’