The Outsider (3 page)

I suppose this particular story has a kind of happy ending. When
The Outsider
appeared, T. S. Eliot told me that I had achieved recognition the wrong way; it was fatal to become known to too many people at once. The right way was to gradually achieve an audience of regular readers, and slowly expand from there, if at all. As the 1960s drew to a close, I realized that this was what was happening. Second hand shops told me that certain people were obsessive collectors of my books, and would pay fairly high prices for them. In the
New Statesman,
there was an advertisement asking for members for a Colin Wilson Society (apparently the founders were under the impression that I was dead). They succeeded in continuing for a couple of years (a remarkable feat, since they all regarded themselves as outsiders) during which time they met twice a week to study my books. I was becoming a
‘
cult figure
’
— but still having considerable difficulty making a decent living. In 1967, an American publisher commissioned me to write a book on
‘
the occult
’
. I had always enjoyed reading about such subjects, without taking them very seriously. The book, when finished, was a thousand pages long (in typescript) and I had now ceased to take the subject lightly. In fact, it was clear that my investigation into the mysteries of consciousness led straight into the heart of the paranormal
’
. Unfortunately, the English publisher who had also commissioned the book did not share my excitement; he gasped at the size of the manuscript, and asked me to take it elsewhere. Fortunately, a more enterprising publisher—Hodders—accepted it, and actually asked me to expand it. My editor, Robin Denniston, told me that he thought it was about time for a
‘
Colin Wilson revival
’
; he even decided to issue a pamphlet about me as advance publicity. I shook my head and thought:
‘P
oor devils, they
’
ll lose their money
’
.

To my amazement, they proved to be right. The reviews had a serious and respectful tone that I hadn
’
t heard since
The Outsider.
With a kind of dazed incredulity, I realized that I
’
d finally become an
‘
establishment
’
figure. I was no longer the
‘
boy genius
’
who
’
d proved to be a pretentious fraud. As if conveying the blessing of England
’
s literary establishment, Cyril Connolly and Philip Toynbee—the two critics who had launched
The Outsider
on that bewildering Sunday fifteen years earlier, and then damned my subsequent books—produced lengthy and thoughtful reviews of
The Occult,
full of the kind of praise that can be extracted and used in advetisements. Apparently all was forgiven. In fact, publication week of
The Occult
was rather like that of
The Outsider,
but more dignified: interviews, appearances on television, requests for articles and book reviews. What was rather more important was that the book sold as well as
The Outsider;
and since it cost five times as much, royalties were correspondingly high—even enough to compensate for inflation. If
The Occult
didn
’
t actually make me rich—few non-fiction books ever sell that well—it at least managed to give me a delightful sensation of not being permanently broke and overdrawn at the bank. It has also supported me during the six years I have taken to write a sequel,
Mysteries,
whose last chapter I have broken off to write this introduction ...

And how do I feel about
The Outsider
in retrospect? In order to answer that question I settled down the other day to re-read it— and found it impossible to gain a sense of perspective. It still produces in me the same feeling of excitement and impatience that I experienced as I sketched the outline plan on that Christmas Day of 1954. Why impatience? Because it aroused some enormous
anticipation. At the time, I mistook this for anticipation of success (for somehow, I never had the slightest doubt that it would be a success). Now I recognize it for what it was: the realization that I had at last settled down to the serious business of living: that after the long-drawn-out and messy years of childhood, and the teenage agonies of self-consciousness, I had at last ceased to waste my time; I was starting to do what I was always intended to do. There was a feeling like leaving harbour. It made no difference that the critics later tried to take back what they
’
d said about the book. They couldn
’
t take back the passport they
’
d given me.

Colin Wilson

THE COUNTRY OF THE BLIND

At first sight,
the Outsider is a social problem. He is the hole-in-corner man.

In the air, on top of a tram, a girl is sitting. Her dress, lifted a little, blows out. But a block in the traffic separates us. The tramcar glides away, fading like a nightmare.

Moving in both directions, the street is full of dresses which sway, offering themselves airily, the skirts lifting; dresses that lift and yet do not lift.

In the tall and narrow shop mirror I see myself approaching, rather pale and heavy-eyed. It is not a woman I want— it is
all
women, and I seek for them in those around me, one by one.
...
¹
(Notes are at End of Book)

This passage, from Henri Barbusse
’
s novel
L’
Enfer,
pinpoints certain aspects of the Outsider. His hero walks down a Paris street, and the desires that stir in him separate him sharply from other people. And the need he feels for a woman is not entirely animal either, for he goes on:

Defeated, I followed my impulse casually. I followed a woman who had been watching me from her corner. Then we walked side by side. We said a few words; she took me
home with her Then I went through the banal scene. It
passed like a sudden hurtling-down.

Again, I am on the pavement, and I am not at peace as I had hoped. An immense confusion bewilders me. It is as if I could not see things as they were.
I see too deep and too much.

Throughout the book, this hero remains unnamed. He is the anonymous Man Outside.

He comes to Paris from the country; he finds a position in a bank; he takes a room in a
‘
family hotel
’
. Left alone in his room, he meditates: He has
‘
no genius, no mission to fulfil, no
remarkable feelings to bestow. I have nothing and I deserve nothing. Yet in spite of it, I desire some sort of recompense.
’
²
Religion... he doesn
’
t care for it.
‘
As to philosophic discussions, they seem to me altogether meaningless.
Nothing can be tested, nothing verified.
Truth—what do they mean by it?
’
³
His thoughts range vaguely from a past love affair and its physical pleasures, to death:
‘
Death, that is the most important of all ideas.
’
Then back to his living problems:
‘
I must make money.
’
He notices a light high up on his wall; it is coming from the next room. He stands on the bed and looks through the spy-hole:

I look, I see
.
The next room offers itself to me in its
nakedness.
⁴

The action of the novel begins. Daily, he stands on the bed and stares at the life that comes and goes in the next room. For the space of a month he watches it, standing apart and, symbolically, above. His first vicarious adventure is to watch a woman who has taken the room for the night; he excites himself to hysteria watching her undress. These pages of the book have the kind of deliberate sensationalism that its descendants in post-war France were so consistently to be accused of (so that Guido Ruggiero could write:
‘
Existentialism treats life in the manner of a thriller
’
).

But the point is to come. The next day he tries to recreate the scene in imagination, but it evades him, just as his attempt to recreate the sexual pleasures with his mistress had evaded him:

I let myself be drawn into inventing details to recapture the intensity of the experience.
‘
She put herself into the most inviting positions.
’

No, no, that is not true.

These words are all dead. They leave untouched,
powerless to affect it, the intensity of what was.
⁵

At the end of
L
’
Enfer,
its nameless hero is introduced to a novelist who is entertaining the company with an account of a novel he is writing. A coincidence ... it is about a man who pierces a hole in his wall and spies on all that happens in the next room. The writer recounts all of the book he has written; his listeners admire it: Bravo! Tremendous success! But the
Outsider listens gloomily.
%
who had penetrated into the very heart of mankind and returned, could see nothing human in this pantomimic caricature. It was so superficial that it was false.
’
The novelist expounds:
‘
Man stripped of his externals... that is what I wish to show. Others stand for imagination ... I stand for truth.
’
The Outsider feels that what he has seen
is
truth.
⁶

Admittedly, for us, reading the novel half a century after it was written, there is not so much to choose between the novelist
’
s truth and the hero
’
s. The
‘
dramas
’
enacted in the next room remind us sometimes of Sardou, sometimes of Dostoevsky when he is more concerned to expound an idea than to give it body in people and events. Yet Barbusse is sincere, and this ideal, to
‘
stand for truth
’
, is the one discernible current that flows through all twentieth-century literature.

Barbusse
’
s Outsider has all of the characteristics of the type. Is he an Outsider because he
’
s frustrated and neurotic ? Or is he neurotic because of some deeper instinct that pushes him into solitude ? He is preoccupied with sex, with crime, with disease. Early in the novel he recounts the after-dinner conversation of a barrister; he is speaking of the trial of a man who has raped and strangled a little girl. All other conversation stops, and the Outsider observes his neighbours closely as they listen to the revolting details:

A young mother, with her daughter at her side, has half got up to leave, but cannot drag herself away.
...

And the men; one of them, simple, placid, I heard distinctly panting. Another, with the neutral appearance of a bourgeois, talks commonplaces with difficulty to his young neighbour. But he looks at her as if he would pierce deeply into her, and deeper yet. His piercing glance is stronger than himself, and he is ashamed of it...
⁷

The Outsider
’
s case against society is very clear. All men and women have these dangerous, unnamable impulses, yet they keep up a pretence, to themselves, to others; their respectability, their philosophy, their religion, are all attempts to gloss over, to make look civilized and rational something that is savage, unorganized, irrational. He is an Outsider because he stands for Truth.

That is his case. But it is weakened by his obvious abnormality, his introversion. It looks, in fact, like an attempt at self-justification by a man who knows himself to be degenerate, diseased, self-divided. There is certainly self-division. The man who watches a woman undressing has the red eyes of an ape; yet the man who sees two young lovers, really alone for the first time, who brings out all the pathos, the tenderness and uncertainty when he tells about it, is no brute; he is very much human. And the ape and the man exist in one body; and when the ape
’
s desires are about to be fulfilled, he disappears and is succeeded by the man, who is disgusted with the ape
’
s appetites.

This is the problem of the Outsider. We shall encounter it under many different forms in the course of this book: on a metaphysical level, with Sartre and Camus (where it is called Existentialism), on a religious level, with Boehme and Kierkegaard; even on a criminal level, with Dostoevsky
’
s Stavrogin (who also raped a small girl and was responsible for her death). The problem remains essentially the same; it is merely a question of discounting more or less as irrelevant.