The Past Between Us (16 page)

He replayed the conversations with Mama Jo and Cassi in his head and realized something he hadn’t before this moment. He’d always thought he was pretty well-adjusted in spite of his past. He left the night terrors behind when he turned thirteen; he stopped waking up with tears on his pillow at fourteen. He rediscovered laughter and happiness with his new family.

But there were things he still couldn’t do.

He couldn’t look at pictures of his parents or his little brother, TJ.

He couldn’t help the tic that twitched in his eye when he dealt with men who beat women.

And he couldn’t fathom the idea of marrying anyone without breaking out in a sweat.

So maybe he wasn’t as well-adjusted as he thought.

Thomas rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling.

Quiet times like this he could still hear the gunshots ringing in his ears.

He could hear his father’s drunken rage, and seconds before the final shot, his anguish.

He could remember the bruises on his mother before that night. Something always managed to set his dad off and his mom would pay the price. But she’d tried to make it work. She’d tell Thomas, “Marriage isn’t easy and I’m no quitter,” even when she was holding a bag of frozen peas to her eye or busted lip, whatever was battered and bruised that day.

And then there was
that
night.

Thomas squeezed his eyes shut and pushed the memory away but tonight it wouldn’t budge.

His mother’s screams echoed off the kitchen walls while Thomas and TJ huddled in their beds, flinching at every crash and bang, and the shattering of glass.

Why hadn’t she run? Why hadn’t she told the cops about the abuse? So many questions he’d never get to ask because that night was the night Becky Bristol was taken out of the game.

Along with eight-year-old TJ.

Thomas would’ve joined his family if it hadn’t been for the fact that he’d run from his bedroom to call 911 and then hid under his parents’ bed when his father had busted into the bedroom. TJ had begged him not to leave. He could still hear his voice, pleading. And then the cries, “Daddy, please…”

Two shots later, Thomas was an orphan.

His heartrate accelerated and sweat popped along his hairline. He was not his father. He would never do such horrible things.
Never.
But who really knows what they’re capable of until they’re pushed to the edge of reason? Surely his father hadn’t woken up that morning and said, “I’m going to go on a bender and then come home and kill my family in a drunken rage over some imagined fault.”

No, he was fairly certain his father had not said that. Or thought it.

But did it matter? He did it. And Thomas was all that was left of the Bristol family who once lived in a modest home on Olive Street where the neighbors were friendly and the paperboy never threw your paper into the hedges but nice and even, right where it belonged.

Okay, maybe it hadn’t been that perfect but in the mind of a twelve-year-old boy…it’d been home.

For a brief horrifying second, he could almost understand his father’s insanity. But then Cassi had hit the nail on the head. Love wasn’t cruel or possessive. And his father had been both at his worst.

He let out a pent-up breath and was startled to realize his fists had been clenched. He shook them loose and took a few deep breaths to clear his head.

He was not his father.

He was not his father.

He was not his father.

Maybe if he said it enough times he’d lose the fear that shadowed him, unwelcome and sinister, lurking and waiting to jump out at him when he least expected it.

Maybe.

Too bad
maybe
wasn’t good enough.

Tommy’s voice snapped her to awareness and she rose up on her elbows to find Tommy watching her with a soft yet hungry expression. Her toes curled under the blankets and she was hit by a wave of desire that was all the more potent for her inability to do anything about it. She burrowed into the blankets and told him, “Come back with coffee or tea or something reasonably caffeinated and we’ll talk. Until then…hit the road.”

He chuckled and she grinned from the safety of her blanket fortress. As mornings went, today wasn’t starting off half-bad.

He looked perplexed and more than a little bothered when they entered his office.

“So, it seems you might be on to something,” Zell admitted, looking about as happy as someone who’d just been given acupuncture with a nail gun. “Forensics turned up arsenic in the food sample you collected at the home of that Jones woman. We managed to turn up a private investigator who made the contact with the two women. He said he was paid in cash to talk these women into making the false statements. He also said he never met the guy who paid him. The money was left in an airport locker for him to pick up.”

“Smart,” Thomas said with a frown. “So now what?”

Zell sighed heavily and pinched his nose with two stubbed fingers. “We’ve got a court order to exhume Ms. Olivia Nolan. The crews are probably already at the cemetery. We also have enough now for a search warrant for Vissher’s property but given how long ago these deaths occurred, I’m not holding out much hope of finding anything of use.”

“You never know. Sometimes people get arrogant,” Thomas said, sending a quick look Cassi’s way. He felt rather than saw her involuntary shake over her mother’s exhumation. It was what she’d wanted, but being faced with the reality that her mother was being ripped from her final resting place was more than a little upsetting. But when he glanced at her, she was dry-eyed and focused. “When will you know anything?” she asked.

Zell didn’t look compelled to answer her but he did. “I’ve put a rush on this case…we should have the forensics in about a week.”

“That long?” she asked, plainly disappointed, but she nodded. “Okay. Are you going to bring Lionel in for questioning?”

Zell shook his head. “Not yet. Not until we have some solid evidence. All we have right now is circumstantial. Just stay put and you’ll hear soon enough what’s happening.” He looked to Thomas. “I assume you can handle keeping her out of trouble until then?”

“I’m not an errant child, Mr. Zell,” Cassi said, stiffening, and Thomas didn’t blame her. “But I might caution you about Lionel Vissher. It’s likely he’s already getting ready to skip town if he knows about the exhumation. If I were you I’d put a man on him for the time being.”

“He’s not going anywhere,” Zell grumbled, looking away.

“How do you know?” Cassi challenged, frustration lacing her voice. “He’s a slippery bastard and you don’t know how easily he can disappear, especially with plenty of resources.”

“Thank you for your advice, Ms. Nolan. I have no doubt you’re an expert on how a person can disappear, but suffice it to say we know what we’re doing.”

Cassi shot Thomas a look filled with annoyance and muttered something about a “pigheaded suit with a gun” and stalked from the room.

“She’s right. If Lionel splits, it’ll be hard to find him. We already know from Cassi that he’d been stockpiling money when Olivia was alive. For all we know he’s got enough to disappear and live quite comfortably for years.”

“You just worry about keeping the flight risk grounded and I’ll take care of the rest,” Zell said, dismissing him.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Thomas asked quietly. It wasn’t like Zell to act like this and it was setting off all sorts of alarms and whistles.

Zell glowered at him. “Since when is it okay for you to question me? I’m your superior. I think you’d better reevaluate your tone and attitude, Agent Bristol. Now, get the hell out of here and back to work. You want to put this guy away so badly, go find me some real evidence and not something that starts with ‘I have a feeling…’ because we sure as hell can’t convict someone with a
feeling.
”

Thomas bit back a hot retort and nodded stiffly. “You can find me on my cell,” he said, and Zell waved him out of the office.

Zell had never been accused of being a people person but he was sure working overtime on that Grouchiest Boss Alive award.

He rejoined Cassi in the hall. “So, what’s his problem? Is it me or is he just an asshole on most days?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I was just wondering that myself,” he answered, but didn’t want to dwell on the subject when they had plenty more to worry about than Zell’s bad attitude. “Listen, are you okay about the exhumation? I know it can’t be easy for you.”

She rubbed her palms on her arms and shrugged but he saw the hurt in her eyes. She caught his knowing stare and offered a short, unsure laugh even as she wiped a tear away from the corner of her eye. “I don’t know. I thought I’d be fine with it. I mean, I know that’s not her in that box. Her spirit is long gone but I hate the idea of pulling her body out of the ground.”

“That’s understandable. Don’t worry, it’ll be done with the utmost care and consideration. I’ll make sure of it.”

She smiled her gratitude and he so wanted to wrap her in his arms and protect her from the world, but that wasn’t a good idea standing here in the Bureau lobby with so many eyes on them. He exhaled softly and gestured to the front doors. “Let’s get out of here and take a drive around the old haunts.”

“Really?” she asked. “It’s not exactly good driving weather out there.”

He glanced in the direction of the ominous, dark clouds threatening a deluge of rain later and he shrugged. “What’s a little rain? C’mon, this place is depressing enough as it is. No need to hang out any longer than we need to, right?”

She peered at him and when she saw that he was serious, her face broke into a smile as she agreed with a nod. “Right. Last I checked I don’t melt,” she said.

He winked. “Good to know.”

“Wow. Talk about a time warp,” she remarked wistfully, catching his light chuckle. “It’s easy to remember what it was like being a student there when everything looks the same.”

“Remember that time when Cindy Hawthorne had set her sights on you for the winter formal?” Cassi asked, grinning at the memory of Thomas trying to avoid her in the halls just so he didn’t have to hurt her feelings by turning her down. “Oh, man, she had it for you bad. But then, so did most of the girls in our graduating class.”

“You’re exaggerating,” he said, but his cheeks flared an adorable shade of pink. Tommy had never been comfortable being the object of so much attention. “I don’t remember a bunch of girls having a thing for me.”

“Then you have a terrible memory,” she teased. “Just because you chose not to date in high school doesn’t mean there weren’t options. You had plenty. Frankly, I got tired of girls constantly bugging me to get to you. I considered circulating a rumor that you were gay just so they’d back off.”

“You poor thing,” he teased right back. “And how do you think it felt for me to watch all those guys falling all over you, knowing you didn’t even see me standing beside you?”

She sobered. She’d seen him. She’d just taken him for granted. Somehow she’d figured he was her backup plan. One of those casual ideas you have in the back of your mind for later. Much later. She chuckled softly at herself for being a blind fool “Well, live and learn, right?”

If she could do it all over again… No, there was no sense going down that road. They’d both made their choices and they had to live with them. She forced a bright smile. “So, what’s next? Lunch at The Barbecue Pit? I haven’t eaten short ribs in so long I’ve forgotten how good they are.”

“Sure,” he murmured, but his hand had drifted to her face. He ran his knuckles along her cheekbones, and she gazed at him, wondering what he was thinking. She didn’t have to wait long.

He drew a deep breath as if he needed courage. “Being in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same is hard to deal with,” he admitted. “And then when they change into someone you don’t recognize…I don’t know, I couldn’t handle it.”

Was he apologizing for the way things ended between them so many years ago? She shifted away from him, uncomfortable with the memories that popped up at his admission. She had plenty to apologize for, not him. “It’s history,” she murmured, not wanting to go further down this road, but he wasn’t ready to let it go.

“It’s part of
our
history and I have to say this,” he said. “You know that day I came to your apartment…”

She remembered it quite clearly. She’d been up for days, partying hard and fast with a group of friends that she’d picked up at Boston University. “Yeah, you were coming up to visit so I could show you around campus but I called and canceled because I wasn’t feeling well,” she recalled, but that wasn’t the whole truth. She’d been strung out and hadn’t wanted to see the disapproval in Tommy’s eyes. It probably would’ve been fine if it hadn’t been the third time she’d canceled on him.

“I was worried about you,” he said. “But I was a little mad, too. I was tired of taking a backseat to everything else in your life, so I drove to Boston with the intention of doing the one thing I hadn’t had the balls to do in high school.”

Her brow pulled in a frown. “Which was?”

He leaned forward. “To finally ask you out on a date. To put myself out there and tell you what I’d always felt but was too afraid to say.”

“Oh.” The word came out in a painful whisper. Knowing that made her feel worse, given what had happened. “I’m sorry,” she said.

He shook his head. “You don’t need to apologize. I busted in there with my veins full of testosterone. I started it as much as you did.”

She blinked back tears that he would be willing to shoulder her burden like that but she knew the true score. “Tommy, I was screwing up. Everything you said was true. I was just too much of a mess to realize it until it was too late and by then I was too ashamed to tell you I was sorry.”

His rueful smile warmed her heart even though it felt as if it was cracking. “Seems we both held on to an apology that was way overdue.”

“So now what?” she asked. “Where are we now, Tommy?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. You said some things that made a lot of sense last night. I don’t think I’ll ever shake you out of my system. You’re like a brand on my soul and as romantic as that sounds, it kinda hurts, too.”

At that, she offered a watery smile. “I know what you mean. That’s how I feel about you.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m torn between wanting you with me because I love you and always have and pushing you away because I don’t know how to forgive and forget. I’ve never been that kind of man.”

“I know.”

He caught her gaze. “So I don’t know where that leaves us.”

“I don’t, either.” Lord, wasn’t that the truth? “But here’s the thing…right now we don’t have the luxury of figuring it out. I’m not naive, Tommy. I know I’ve screwed up and there’s a possibility that I might see some time for the thefts if restitution isn’t enough. And if that happens, our history will remain simply our past. So, let’s just take each day as it comes, okay?”

The pain and regret reflecting in his eyes were surely a mirror of her own. She got it. She understood. But sometimes, ignorance was bliss.

The rain started, tapping insistently on the roof of the car, replacing the quiet with its song. Cassi glanced at Tommy, a tiny smile on her lips for the question in her mind.

“So if we could rewrite history, and when you came to me that day in Boston and you’d said your piece and I’d said yes, where would you’ve taken me?” Tommy didn’t seem to want to play this game, but she insisted. “C’mon, where’s the harm in seeing what might’ve happened?”

“Because it hurts, Cassi,” he answered darkly. “I’ve already spent years playing the ‘what-if’ game and each time it left me with a sense of loss and sadness that I got tired of packing around.”

“I understand. I did the same thing, except playing the ‘what-if’ game and coming up with a better version of what actually happened was the only thing that got me through some really bad times. Who cares if it’s total fantasy? It was my lifeline.”

He shot her a bemused look. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she admitted softly.

He exhaled and his stare dropped to his booted feet as he shifted them for a better position. “Okay,” he said, giving in. She smiled as he began, slowly at first as if he were struggling to remember what his plan had been. “Well, let’s see… Okay, I’d planned to take you to dinner. I’d scoped out this little place called Bacon, Beans and Beer—”

“Classy. I like it already,” she interjected with a teasing grin, and he actually cracked a smile.

“Yeah, well, I was in my twenties. Any place with the word
beer
in the name seemed all right with me.”

“As it should.”

He laughed, the sound tickling her stomach. “Okay, so this place was supposed to have the best burgers around and I remember you always complaining about the fancy food your mom made you eat so I figured you’d appreciate a good ol’-fashioned burger and fries.”

She nodded her approval. “Good choice. Okay, so after we’d stuffed our faces with burgers, what next?”

“A movie?” he answered uncertainly, giving away that either he’d forgotten his plans or he’d planned to wing it. But then, he said a bit sheepishly, “Actually, I’d planned to take you to a club to go dancing.”

“You hate to dance.”

“I know, but you love to dance, so I thought with enough beer…I’d find my dancing feet, too.”

She couldn’t help herself and busted up laughing, causing his cheeks to color. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you…I just think it’s adorable that you were prepared to suffer through a night at a club for me. That’s awesome. And so are you,” she ended with a soft chuckle, wanting so badly to lean over and kiss him. But she didn’t. She sobered as the moment faded and she realized what Tommy had meant when he said he didn’t like to do this very often. A sharp pain pierced her chest as regret settled heavily on her shoulders. Why hadn’t she made better choices? She’d give anything to rewrite that day so that everything from that moment forward was different. She might’ve finished college. She might’ve found a better way to help her mother. She might’ve…been with Tommy. Scratch that—she
knew
she’d be with Tommy.

And that hurt most of all.

“Are you ready to go?” she asked.

Sensing the change between them, Tommy nodded and pulled away from the school.