The Patrick Melrose Novels (38 page)

‘R-remind me,' said Jacqueline, ‘was she one of the ladies you married?'

‘Don't be absurd,' said Nicholas, pretending to take offence. ‘Just because I've had six failed marriages, there's no need to invent more.'

‘But Ni-ko-la, seriously, I r-ring in case you want to come with us in the car. We have a driver from the embassy. It will be more fun – no? – to go down together, or up together – this English “up” and “down”
c'est vraiment
too much.'

Nicholas was enough of a man of the world to know that the French ambassador's wife was not being entirely altruistic. She was offering him a lift so as to arrive at Cheatley with an intimate friend of Bridget's. Nicholas, for his part, would bring fresh glamour to that intimacy by arriving with the Alantours. They would enhance each other's glory.

‘Up or down,' said Nicholas, ‘I'd adore to come with you.'

*   *   *

Sonny Gravesend sat in the library at Cheatley dialling the familiar digits of Peter Porlock's number on his radio telephone. The mystical equation between property and person which had so long propped up Sonny's dim personality was worshipped nowhere more ardently than at Cheatley. Peter, George Watford's eldest son, was Sonny's best friend and the only person he really trusted when he wanted sound advice about farming or sex. Sonny sat back in his chair and waited for Peter to wade through the vast rooms of Richfield to the nearest telephone. He looked at the fireplace, above which hung the painting that Robin Parker was taking so long to authenticate as a Poussin. It had been a Poussin when the fourth Earl bought it and, as far as Sonny was concerned, it still was. Nevertheless, one had to get an ‘expert opinion'.

‘Sonny?' bawled Peter.

‘Peter!' Sonny shouted back. ‘Sorry to interrupt you again.'

‘Quite the opposite, old boy, you've saved me from showing round the Gay London Bikers my old housemaster sent down to gawp at the ceilings.'

‘Slaving away as usual,' said Sonny. ‘Makes it all the more annoying when one reads the sort of rubbish they put in the papers this morning: “ten thousand acres … five hundred guests … Princess Margaret … party of the year.” Sounds as if we're
made
of money, whereas the reality, as nobody knows better than you, with your Gay London Bikers, is that we never stop slaving to keep the rain out.'

‘Do you know what one of my tenants said to me the other day after my famous appearance on the box?' Peter adopted his standard yokel accent. ‘“Saw you on the television, m'lord, pleading poverty, as usual.” Damned cheek!'

‘It's quite funny, actually.'

‘Well, he's really a splendid fellow,' said Peter. ‘His family have been tenants of ours for three hundred years.'

‘We've got some like that. One lot have been with us for twenty generations.'

‘Shows an amazing lack of initiative when you think of the conditions we keep them in,' said Peter mischievously.

Both men guffawed, and agreed that that was just the sort of thing one shouldn't say during one's famous television appearances.

‘What I really rang about,' said Sonny, more seriously, ‘is this business with Cindy. Bridget, of course, wouldn't have her, on the grounds that we didn't know her, but I've spoken to David Windfall this morning and, since his wife's ill, he's agreed to bring Cindy along. I hope he'll be discreet.'

‘David Windfall? You must be joking!' said Peter.

‘Well, I know, but I made out that I was longing to meet her, rather than the truth, namely that all my Historic Houses Association and Preservation of Rural England meetings have been one long thrash in the sack with Cindy.'

‘I'm glad you didn't tell him that,' said Peter wisely.

‘The thing is, and I need hardly tell you to keep this under your hat, the thing is, Cindy's pregnant.'

‘Are you sure it's yours?'

‘Apparently there's no doubt about it,' said Sonny.

‘I suppose she's blackmailing you,' said Peter loyally.

‘No, no, no, that's not it at all,' said Sonny, rather put out. ‘The thing is, I haven't had “conjugal relations” with Bridget for some time, and I'm not sure anyway, given her age, that it would be a good idea to try and have another child. But, as you know, I'm very keen to have a son, and I thought that if Cindy has a boy…' Sonny trailed off, uncertain of Peter's reaction.

‘Golly,' said Peter, ‘but you'd have to marry her if he was going to inherit. It's one of the penalties of being a peer,' he added with a note of noble stoicism.

‘Well, I know it sounds awfully mercenary to chuck Bridget at this stage of the game,' Sonny admitted, ‘and of course it's bound to be misrepresented as a sexual infatuation, but one does feel some responsibility towards Cheatley.'

‘But think of the expense,' said Peter, who had grave doubts that the divorce could be achieved in time. ‘And, besides, is Cindy the right girl for Cheaters?'

‘She'll be a breath of fresh air,' said Sonny breezily, ‘and, as you know, all the things are in trust.'

‘I think,' said Peter with the measured authority of a consultant advising his patient to have surgery, ‘we'd better have lunch in Buck's next week.'

‘Good idea,' said Sonny. ‘See you tonight.'

‘Very much looking forward to it,' said Peter. ‘Oh, and, by the way, happy birthday.'

*   *   *

Kitty Harrow, at home in the country, lay in bed propped up by a multitude of pillows, her King Charles spaniels hidden in the troughs of her undulating bedspread, and a ravaged breakfast tray abandoned beside her like an exhausted lover. Under a pink satin lampshade, bottles of contradictory medicines crowded the inlaid surface of her bedside table. Her hand rested on the telephone she used ceaselessly every morning between eleven o'clock and lunchtime, or, as on this occasion, until the hairdresser arrived at twelve thirty to rebuild those cliffs of grey hair against which so many upstarts had dashed themselves in vain. When she had found Robin Parker's name in the large red leather address book that was spread open on her lap, she dialled his number and waited impatiently.

‘Hello,' said a rather peevish voice.

‘Robin, my darling,' warbled Kitty, ‘why aren't you here already? Bridget has unloaded some perfectly ghastly people on me, and you, my only ally, are still in London.'

‘I had to go to a drinks party last night,' simpered Robin.

‘A party in London on a Friday night!' protested Kitty. ‘It's the most antisocial thing I've ever heard. I do think people are inconsiderate, not to say cruel. I practically never go to London these days,' she added with a real note of pathos, ‘and so I rely terribly on my weekends.'

‘Well, I'm coming to the rescue,' said Robin. ‘I ought to be leaving for Paddington in five minutes.'

‘Thank God,' she continued, ‘you'll be here to protect me. I had an obscene telephone call last night.'

‘Not again,' sighed Robin.

‘He made the most perfectly revolting suggestions,' confided Kitty. ‘And so before putting the phone down I said to him, “Young man, I should have to see your face before I allowed you to do any of those things!” He seemed to think I was encouraging him, and rang back the very next minute. I insist on answering the phone myself in the evenings: it's not fair on the servants.'

‘It's not fair on you either,' Robin warned her.

‘I've been haunted,' growled Kitty, ‘by what you told me about those cocks the prudish Popes snapped off the classical statues and stored in the Vatican cellars. I'm not sure
that
wasn't an obscene phone call.'

‘That was history of art,' giggled Robin.

‘You know how fascinated I am by people's families,' said Kitty. ‘Well, now, whenever I think about them, and the dark secrets they all have lurking under the surface, I can't help picturing those crates hidden in the Vatican cellars. You've corrupted my imagination,' she declared. ‘Did you know what a dreadful effect you have on people?'

‘My conversation will be completely chaste this evening,' threatened Robin. ‘But I really ought to be going to the station now.'

‘Goodbye,' cooed Kitty, but her need to talk was so imperious that she added conspiratorially, ‘Do you know what George Watford told me last night? – he at least was a familiar face. He said that three-quarters of the people in his address book are dead. I told him not to be so morbid. Anyway, what could be more natural at his age: he's well into his eighties.'

‘My dear, I'm going to miss my train,' said Robin.

‘I used to suffer terribly from train fever,' said Kitty considerately, ‘until my wonderful doctor gave me a magic pill, and now I just float on board.'

‘Well, I'm going to have to sprint on board,' squealed Robin.

‘Goodbye, my dear,' said Kitty, ‘I won't delay you a moment longer. Hurry, hurry, hurry.'

*   *   *

Laura Broghlie felt her existence threatened by solitude. Her mind became ‘literally blank', as she had told Patrick Melrose during their week-long affair. Five minutes alone, or off the telephone, unless it was spent in the company of a mirror and a great deal of make-up, was more literal blankness than she could stand.

It had taken her ages to get over Patrick's defection. It was not that she had liked him particularly – it never occurred to her to like people while she was using them, and when she had finished using them, it would clearly have been absurd to start liking them – but it was such a
bore
getting a new lover. Being married put some people off, until she made it clear that it was no impediment from her point of view. Laura was married to Angus Broghlie, who was entitled by ancient Scottish custom to call himself ‘The Broghlie'. Laura, by the same token, could call herself ‘Madame Broghlie', a right she seldom exercised.

Eventually, after a whole fortnight without a lover, she had managed to seduce Johnny Hall, Patrick's best friend. Johnny wasn't as good as Patrick because he worked during the day. Still, as a journalist he could often ‘work on a story at home', which was when, they could spend the whole day in bed.

Some subtle questioning had established that Johnny didn't yet know about her affair with Patrick, and she had sworn Johnny to secrecy about their own affair. She didn't know whether to be insulted by Patrick's silence or not, but she intended to let Patrick know about Johnny whenever it would cause maximum confusion. She knew that Patrick still found her sexy, even if he had reservations about her personality. Even she had reservations about her personality.

When the phone rang, Laura raised her head and wriggled across the bed.

‘Don't answer it,' moaned Johnny, but he knew he was in a weak position, having left the room earlier to talk to Patrick. He lit a cigarette.

Laura turned to him and stuck her tongue out, hooking her hair behind her ear as she picked up the phone. ‘Hello,' she said, suddenly serious.

‘Hi.'

‘China! God, your party was
so
great,' gasped Laura, pinching her nose with her thumb and index finger and raising her eyes to the ceiling. She had already analysed with Johnny what a failure it had been.

‘Did you really think it was a success?' China asked sceptically.

‘Of course it was, darling, everybody loved it,' said Laura, grinning at Johnny.

‘But everybody got stuck in the downstairs room,' China whined. ‘I really hated it.'

‘One always hates one's own parties,' said Laura sympathetically, rolling onto her back and stifling a yawn.

‘But you really did like it,' pleaded China. ‘Promise.'

‘Promise,' said Laura, crossing her fingers, her legs, and finally her eyes. Suddenly convulsed with silent giggles, she raised her feet in the air and rocked on the bed.

Johnny watched, amazed by her childishness, faintly contemptuous of the mocking conspiracy into which he was being drawn, but charmed by the contortions of her naked body. He sank back against the pillows, scanning the details which might explain, but only confirmed the mystery of his obsession: the small dark mole on the inner slope of her hip bone, the surprisingly thick golden hair on her forearm, the high arch of her pale feet.

‘Is Angus with you?' sighed China.

‘No, he's going straight from Scotland to the party. I have to collect him in Cheltenham. It's such a bore, I don't see why he can't get a taxi.'

‘Save, save, save,' said China.

‘He looked so good on paper,' said Laura, ‘but when it comes down to it, he's completely obsessed with whether a cheap-day return is refundable if you don't use the second half, and other fascinating problems of that kind. It makes one long for an extravagant lover.' She allowed one of her knees to flop sideways on the bed.

Johnny took a long drag on his cigarette and smiled at her.

China hesitated and then, spurred on by the thought that Laura's praise of her party might not have been entirely sincere, she said, ‘You know there's a rumour going around that you're having an affair with Patrick Melrose.'

‘Patrick Melrose,' said Laura, as if she were repeating the name of a fatal disease, ‘you must be joking.' She raised her eyebrows at Johnny and putting her hand over the mouthpiece whispered, ‘Apparently I'm having an affair with Patrick.'

He flicked up one of his eyebrows and stubbed out his cigarette.

‘Who on earth told you that?' she asked China.

‘I shouldn't really tell you, but it was Alexander Politsky.'

‘Him, I don't even know him.'

‘Well, he thinks he knows about you.'

‘How pathetic,' said Laura. ‘He just wants to get in with you by pretending he knows all about your friends.' Johnny knelt in front of Laura and, catching both her feet, eased her legs apart.