The Perfect Solution-A Suspense of Choices (25 page)

Catrine reached up to smooth the wrinkle from his brow and he grasped her hand to halt it before it reached its destination.

"Don't touch me like that Catrine. I can see the motherly look in your eyes. I am not your child and things will not end the way you think."

"I'm sorry. I just…." Her hand fluttered limply to her lap when he let it go.

"I can see now that there are still some unsettled issues between us. Many of these things we won't be able to settle tonight. One thing I want to explain is the time that I went away. I can't let you take all of the blame." He paused to rub his chin and sheepishly studied the toes of his shoes. "A couple of days after our argument, I ran home to my mother. I was going through an identity crisis I guess because I was feeling that I was too old for you. Here I was the eldest of the two of us and I was afraid of commitment. When I was at work, my mind was so filled with you that I had trouble concentrating and when I was at home, you were definitely there. I was confused. I cleared my schedule and took a needed vacation.

I have a box in my closet right now filled with things that belong to you. I felt like you were surrounding me. Everywhere I looked every thought I had came back to you and so I ran home to my mom. I moped around and was smothered in my mom's comforting world until she too booted me out and sent me home to deal with my problems. I can't believe she never let on that she had ever talked to you. Maybe in her way she had. She would ask things like, 'have you talked to your lady friend lately'? She wanted to know how you felt about our break-up and things like that. I presume I became such a great actor that I guess I fooled her into thinking everything was fine.

Over the last couple of years, I avoided all conversation with her that seemed to be drifting towards you. You must have struck a chord with her because I thought she was becoming as obsessive with you as I was. I never mentioned you again and made damned sure that I never thought about you. I came back to town after my little vacation, ignored whenever my heart told me to get in touch with you and did my best to forget our relationship. What I should have done was called as soon as I had returned and so the hundred million calls from you. Instead of making me want to call you they made me want to back farther away. I just assumed you were calling about the same old thing. I should have just called and I would have known that you were pregnant."

"I've done my damnedest to forget about you, too. If it had not been for Phae, I don't know what I would have done. She is always there when I need her. When she went to get Brhin from the center today and they told her that I had already sent a friend to get him, she went home believing he was here with me. She wouldn't call to check because she was angry with me. Sometimes Phae will let her anger get away with her."

"So that's where you get it from, huh? You two are definitely sisters."

"I guess that makes you our brother, right?"

"I don't think I could ever be your brother, Catrine unless incest runs in the family."

He raised his brow mockingly.

"You are so ignorant." She blew off his comment. "While Phae was at home waiting for me to call and apologize, I was drugged out of my mind, lying snuggled under a mountain of pillows and blankets, oblivious to the fact that my baby was probably somewhere crying for me. I should have gone out and gotten my child myself."

"Don't blame yourself. The people at the Center are the ones to get all of the credit. If I ever get my hands on that teacher or the person that took my son, I will kill them. It's because of them I was dragged downtown like a common criminal. Do you have any idea what I had to go through while I sat in the police station? I have never been so humiliated and afraid in my entire life. I felt degraded. Sitting in that detective's office, all I could think about was the fact that I could end up in jail and maybe never seeing my unknown son. My practice would be shot to hell and all of the humiliations, and prejudices that I had to put up with to get where I was in my professional life, and all of the work that I have done for my patients would have been for nothing.

That little detective would not believe me when I said I knew nothing about the child. He probably thought that I had just gotten you pregnant and run off. Labeling me a deadbeat dad or worse, a no good light skinned nigger sticking to stereotypical form. I got the feeling that he thought I believed I was God's gift. When in fact I would have been overjoyed to know I was a parent. Where did you have him? You didn't go to St. Elizabeth because someone would have told me. I thought about you a lot. I often wished that we had not had that stupid argument. I just couldn't understand why we had that breakup. If I have known that you were pregnant, there is no way on earth I would have left you alone. Not you or the child. Do you realize how much I have missed in my son's life? Those are times I will never get back. I missed everything. I missed the chance to count tiny baby fingers, to take him around my parents, my sister, and my brothers. Do you realize Brhin has four uncles and another aunt?" Austin looked at her as if the knowledge had just dawned on him.

"No. Austin I'm sorry. I really am." She looked at him with eyes pleading for forgiveness. "We never talked about your family. What are their names?"

"My two oldest brothers are James and Jasper then there's Dallas and Houston. Me, and then my sister, Althea is the baby of the family. They would have loved to meet Brhin. They are always saying, 'Tin, you need to get married.' 'Tin, you should have a child of your own'."

"Why do they call you 'Tin'?" Catrine asked.

"My sister says it’s because I act all hard but can easily be bent to any persuasion."

"Obviously she never asked you to live with her." She rubbed her fingers through her hair and wiped her nose with a fresh Kleenex.

"Let's not go back there. I may have been a little wrong in getting so up in arms about your wishes, but that does not mean I don't care. Did Brhin ever talk about his 'daddy'? Or did you have a substitute daddy for him? Was there someone else in my place? Someone that rubbed your growing belly, wiped your brow when you were sick, held your hand when you were in labor? Did someone else walk the floor with him when he cried in the night and you needed sleep? Is there someone that makes love to you in the wee hours of the morning when you wake needing mature human touch? Was there someone here to hold you close and comfort you when you found out our son was missing?"

"No. No, to everything you have asked. Phae has been my only source of comfort. There has been no other man in my life. I haven't wanted any. I haven't wanted to think about any other man or you. Right after I had the baby, my every thought was of you, you and Brhin. I made videos and took pictures of everything he did in case we ever ran into you." Catrine reached under the coffee table and pulled out a thick photo album. She made herself comfortable and handed the album to him. "I thought that whenever you came back, we would sit and smile over them. You see that picture." She put her thumb over the part of the photo that showed her laying in a hospital bed, hair mused around her shoulders, no makeup. "That was taken just minutes after his birth. See how small he was." She pointed to the very next picture. It showed Brhin being held up to the glass of an incubator. The nurse's hands pushed through the two holes and cradling him so a good shot could be taken. "You can see him better here. He was a little premature and had to stay in the NICU for three weeks."

Austin slowly flipped through the pages of the album. Stopping every once in awhile to run a finger down a photo in wistful retrospection.

"He was such a beautiful baby.”

“Yes, fat as he could be. I had really wanted you to see him. I thought we would talk about his resemblance to our family members."

"Well, he looks like my sister's new baby." Austin looked at her and then at the photograph. "Althea just had the baby a few months ago. Ironically, she named him 'Steele'. She says he's a lot like me but tougher and colder than I am so she couldn't call him 'Tin'. He hardly cries, rarely laughs and seems to take in everything with a calm nonchalant attitude. Is this how Brhin looks now?" He asked.

Austin pointed to a picture of an older version of Brhin and laughed at the child's comical pose.

Brhin was standing on his bed, long mid shoulder length hair pulled up and out on both sides of his head by his and Linda's hands. His tongue was sticking out and eyes were crossed.

"Sort of, just about all of the hair has been removed. He took his first trip to the barbershop this past Friday. The other boys at the daycare center had been teasing him about the length of his hair and now the little girl look is gone."

"How did he feel about the haircut?"

Brhin was afraid to sit in the chair," She smiled in remembrance. "He was so scared that I had to get in first and let them cut my hair." She fingered her curls again. "I think the haircutting frightened me more."

"I thought you said you had your hair cut as soon as we broke up."

"I lied." She admitted, shrugging without a sign of remorse and changed the conversation. "Brhin has a scar across his chin from when he had fallen off the table and hit his chin on the corner of a cabinet door. He was trying to get a bag of candy from one of the top cabinets in the kitchen. He had gotten stitches for that little adventure. The child has a major 'thing' for candy."

"I know that this may sound a little funny, but could I see his bedroom? I just want to see where he spends most of his time."

"I have no problems with that." Catrine stood. "Follow me."

In the middle of the hallway, two doors from her own room sat Brhin's bedroom.

"It's nothing fancy." She stepped aside so he could go in. "I just bought this bed for him last month. At first he wasn't too happy with it. He had wanted a little bed shaped like a car, but I had to veto the idea. This bed will be here far longer than the other. I told him it was a bed for a pirate. I hid things behind the little doors on the shelves and in the huge drawers under the bed. It was a great idea because he now calls it his 'treasure bed'. It has kept him entertained for hours.

"I like it." Austin walked around the room slowly touching and looking at everything. "I can see that he enjoys playing in here."

"If you're talking about the fact that it’s kind of messy, then you are right. He’s been spending a lot of time in here the last few days since I have been ill. There are a lot of things to keep him company. He has the computer on his little desk. It has a lot of educational software thinly described as games, various toys and a V-smile connected to the television. Along with the various toys scattered around the room it stays a little messy in here. I just hadn't gotten around to straightening it today."

"I can understand." He picked up a book and put it back down. Stopping by the bed, he picked up the little brown dog partially buried under the pillows. "This must be his favorite, huh?"

"Yeah JoJo is his favorite. He carries it everywhere, but to school. God, I miss him." Catrine took the dog from Austin's hand and held it close to her face before rubbing its fur against her cheek in imitation of Brhin's habit before gently placing it between the pillows.

"Let's go back in the other room.”

Sitting back on the sofa, Austin retrieved the photo album and resumed looking at the pictures from where he had left off.

"You even put a picture of us in here. I can't believe you didn't cut me out." He observed in astonishment. He stared at the picture and fondly remembered the day that the picture had been taken. He and Catrine had been at barbecue at an acquaintance's home and the guy had taken the picture as a joke. While Austin and Catrine had been standing in the middle of the magnificently blooming garden trying to get a few minutes alone, their friend had sneaked up on them and snapped the picture.

In the photo, Catrine had her back to the camera, standing on the tips of her toes with her arms around Austin's neck. She had been giggling as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear. When someone had called his name he had turned quickly. The shutter of the camera memorialized him with a bemused smile on his face and a happy twinkle in his eyes.

"This is really the only picture I have that a child should be allowed to see." She blushed. "It astonished me when I became conscious of the fact that I had become so raunchy. I hadn't realized it until I started flipping through the stacks of photos."

"You weren't raunchy, just risqué, lewd, sexy, accommodating. All right all right." Chuckling, he held up his hand to shield his face when she made to punch him in the nose. "I was kidding. Just remember that I have copies of most of those pictures you were talking about. You may not have wanted to show them to the child, but I had to box my bunch in order to keep my sanity."

"I forgot you had some." She covered her face. She was more embarrassed than she had been earlier. "I hope you burned them."

"Did you?"

"No."

"Well, why would I? I think we looked very good together."

Shooting him a speaking glance, she returned to the original conversation.

"Anyway, I wanted Brhin to know who you were and what you looked like. Whatever he asked about you, I did my best to answer. I figured that sooner or later you would come back into our lives. I know I should have called you. I wanted you to come back on your own. I didn't want to be the one begging. It seemed like I was always the one that was doing the begging. I wanted you to be here a lot but my pride wouldn't let me call. I know that’s stupid and I guess that's what I am. I am a stupid and selfish idiot. It took me a few months to realize you would not come and after a while I would only let myself think about you whenever Brhin did or said something 'cute'. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I didn't care. I just couldn't afford to care. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Especially during that first year, I couldn't think. Could barely concentrate and to top that off, I had the worst case of morning sickness in the world. It lasted for nearly six months. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't think beyond the present moment. I hated you. I hated me. I hated the baby or at least the idea of having a baby. “