The P.J. Stone Gates Trilogy (#1-3) (72 page)

“What does that mean?”

“That’s all I can say without effecting things too much. You’ll know what I mean when the time comes. Choose him.”

The edges of my dream started to waver and I knew Bryn was leaving me. “Bryn wait! Why does everyone keep saying they can only give me so much information without effecting things too much? It’s beyond irritating! If this is real, or as real as a dream can be—you have to tell me more—you have to tell me—”

All went dark.

I woke up … pissed. I wasn’t sure whether my anger should be directed at my subconscious for imagining Dream Bryn into existence to tell me he was okay with me wanting Khol, or if I should be angry at the Real Bryn for thinking I was waiting for his permission. Like if he simply said it was okay I would move on with Khol, no questions asked. In fact, the whole situation made me want to avoid Khol completely. Hell if it was Real Bryn, he would know that by telling me he gave his permission he would effectively keep me away from Khol. So maybe he didn’t want me to be with Khol after all. Of course, knowing I would figure that out, because Bryn knew me so well, he might figure I’d go against what he said because I would get pissed at him for giving his permission. He could want me with Khol after all. Or … I could just be losing my mind. The last option was probably the most likely.

I kept wishing I had the old, Rider-free Jenna to talk to, and my thoughts kept returning to her all morning. Even though visiting her recently had mostly just been me trying to figure out how to remove the Rider from her. I didn’t have any new ideas to test out … because I so wasn’t going to attempt the necklace thing and kill her like in my vision … even if I knew how to work it … to which I didn’t anyways. But I had to talk to someone, and I needed her, as selfish as that was. I needed her more than ever with Bryn being dead.

After pacing back and forth outside of Jenna’s makeshift prison, I finally worked up enough courage to face her for the second time in mere days. But facing her wasn’t really the problem—it was facing what was currently inside of her.

I entered the room slowly, my eyes adjusting to the dim lighting quickly as they came to settle on Jenna’s still form laying in the center of her big bed, chains wrapped around her wrists and ankles securing her there. She appeared to be asleep, or a least resting so I turned to go, my courage waning.

“Wait,” Jenna croaked, causing me to stop dead in my tracks with my back to her. “P.J. it’s me. Don’t go.”

I plastered the best smile I could on my face before turning back around. It was brittle at best. “Hey. I was hoping to talk to you.” As I slowly approached her I studied her appearance. The Rider inside of her wasn’t shining as brightly, which I’d come to learn meant that Jenna was mostly in control. I was sure the Rider could hear us but it was as if it was sleeping or resting inside of her, because its eyes were closed. The duel imagery was still disconcerting, but I was more used to it than I liked.

“Yeah?” Jenna gave me a brittle smile of her own. “I hope it’s good—or at least about sex or something.”

Despite everything … I couldn’t help but laugh. “I guess my question is finally answered. You can talk about sex in any situation, no matter what.”

Jenna grinned. “What can I say? Some things will never change.”

“That’s not the only thing.” I chuckled, eyeing her new blue hair speculatively.

She reached up to run her fingers through her hair, the chains attached to her wrists rattling in the process. “Yeah, Jeremy helped me do it. He thought it might help cheer me up a little.”

I came to sit on the edge of her bed, towards her feet, but out of her reach just in case the Rider decided to take back control. “And did it?”

“I guess.” She sighed. “I don’t think I deserve his devotion. He’s just—”

“Of course you do. I don’t wanna hear you say otherwise.”

Jenna’s eyes had definitely lost most of their spirit, they seemed dull and lifeless, a muddy brown instead of their usual vibrant deep chocolate. “Yeah, whatever. So … spill it. It has to be about Khol, right?”

I laughed again. “Am I that obvious?”

She answered my laugh with one of her own. “To me you are.”

I fought it the best I could but in the end it was to no avail. My face crumpled up and tears slid down my cheeks. “I miss you Jenna, more than ever.”

“Don’t.” She said almost harshly. “Let’s just pretend … let’s just pretend everything is normal.” She chuckled hoarsely. “At least as normal as it ever was with us.”

I wiped at my tears with my fingertips. “Okay.” I inhaled a shaky breath. “So … yeah … I had a dream that Bryn came to me and told me that he was okay with me being with Khol … ” My voice trailed off. How was this conversation going to help us pretend that things were normal? Bryn was dead. Nothing would ever be normal again.

“Did something happen between you and Khol again?” Jenna clucked her tongue and rolled her eyes. “Wow. That was a stupid question. Of course something happened between you guys. Whenever you’re not doing something with Bryn, then you’re doing it with Khol. It’s been that way since—well since basically Khol showed up. And now—”

“Yeah, and now there is no more Bryn.” I turned my face away from Jenna as fresh tears spilled out of the corners of my eyes.

Jenna sighed heavily. “Sorry. My tact filter was never very good and with everything—well—I think it’s now completely busted.”

“It’s fine.” I rasped, wiping at my face again. “And I’m sorry. It’s beyond selfish of me to come here just to dump all my love life drama on you. It’s jut that I don’t have anyone left to talk to. You’re all I’ve got, Rider and all.”

“Here’s the deal.” She said as if I hadn’t said anything. “Even when Bryn was alive, you couldn’t seem to stay away from Khol for long, could you? You were in love with two guys, or dragons … whatever … you were in love with both of them. You chose Bryn because he was familiar and safe. But honestly, I think Khol’s who you belong with. He just gets you in a different way. Besides, I read a quote by Johnny Depp once that said if you fall in love with two people, pick the second one, because you didn’t really love the first one as much as you thought you did.”

I guffawed at Jenna. “Seriously? You’re going to throw a quote from Johnny Depp at me? One that he probably didn’t even really say, I might add.”

“Whether he said it or not is beyond the point. To which I’m going to let him have it because he’s just plain yummy … ” She gazed off into the distance with a dreamy look on her face for a moment. “Anyways … you need Khol … you’d probably be dead, or more of a wreck than you are now if not for him. Think about it. Think about all Khol has done for you since you’ve met him. What did Bryn really do?”

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from saying something mean to Jenna, something I was sure to regret later. Then again, in some ways, she had a point. I felt disloyal for even thinking it—but Bryn had left me when I had needed him most. Again I reminded myself it was for a good reason … he thought he was protecting me … but the results were still the same. He had left me feeling alone and abandoned. Khol had been there for me … he had always been there for me … and he accepted every part of me … even my child if it might not be biologically his. I could trust in Khol, and I’d always be able to trust in him. Even when everything was so uncertain … that I still was sure of. “It feels wrong—to be with Khol after Bryn’s death.”

“Or because it feels so right, do you just feel guilty?” Jenna asked.

“When I’m with Khol I can almost forget about Bryn, and that kills me. It’s my fault Bryn died, and I can just move on so easily? What does that say about me? Nothing good I’m sure.”

“Oh, please.” Jenna huffed as she yanked at her chains almost demonstratively. “Bryn’s death isn’t anymore your fault than me being like this is. Casualties happen in war. You can’t react to all of this like if things were normal … because they’re not. Find happiness where you can.”

“It’s not that simple. Khol—”

“Of course it is—you always way over-complicate things. Stop over-thinking, and stop over-analyzing. Do what feels right. Mourning Bryn’s death isn’t gonna to do him any good, and it most certainly isn’t gonna do you any good. Just let Khol claim you already and start having hot monkey sex. Or I guess I should say hot dragon sex. At least one of us should be having it. Because the forecast for me isn’t looking too good for the immediate future.”

“Jenna, everything isn’t all about sex. There are—”

“Ummm … yes. Everything
is
all about sex. The sooner you finally accept that—well the sooner you’ll figure out all the answers to life.”

I shook my head and smiled. “You’re beyond help. You know that, right? I think you might possibly actually be a sex addict.”

“Says the girl who can’t keep her hands off of Khol.”

“Hey, I can keep my hands off of Khol.” I grimaced. “If I put my mind to it.” I muttered the second part under my breath. Completely unbidden my mind conjured up an image of stark naked Khol. I mentally scanned him from head to toe. He was absolutely gorgeous; every part of him, from the dark auburn hair on the top of his head, down to his perfectly formed toes. Yeah, I said toes. They were more like a sculpture’s feet than a man’s. I suddenly flushed. Who was I kidding? I thought his feet were hot, and I hated feet … I mean feet are … feet. Ewww. I shook my head to dislodge Khol from it. I cleared my throat. “I can keep away from Khol, no problem.”

Jenna tilted her head back and laughed … a long, loud, genuine laugh that spread to me. We then met gazes and said in unison. “Yeah, right.”

Still amid her fit of laughter Jenna managed to speak. “The only way you’re staying away from Khol is if he decided he doesn’t want you anymore. And yeah … that ain’t happening.”

Suddenly Jenna cried out and clutched at her head, the Rider’s glow from inside her grew brighter as I saw its eyes snap open. “No!” She screamed. “Just leave me alone!”

Even though it was still Jenna’s voice, and her mouth, I could see the Rider within her moving its mouth in sync with her lips. The Rider and Jenna were having a conversation while they both resided in the same body. “You know I won’t.”

Jenna screamed again and her body fell limply back on the bed. I stood quickly, backing up a few steps, not sure what I should do. I hadn’t had the real Jenna to talk to in quite some time. I’d had her for longer than I thought possible, but it wasn’t good enough. I wanted her restored to herself—and we still had so much more to talk about. Not just about me, but about her and Jeremy, and Macon and—

“Well hello there your majesty.” The Rider addressed me with its nickname for me as a small smirk spread across its lips. And I now thought of it as the Rider, no longer Jenna. Unlike some of the Riders I’d run across in the past, Jenna and hers hadn’t fully merged. It was more like someone with split personalities than anything else.

“I don’t have time for you.” I muttered to myself as I turned on my heel and left the room. As soon as I was outside the door I slid down the wall and began to cry again.
I can’t lose Jenna too—I just can’t
.

I pulled my legs up into my chest and buried my face against my knees, continuing to sob. My senses came alive with awareness just before Khol appeared directly in front of me. He leaned down and scooped me up in his arms without saying a word. He simply held me, his strong heartbeat lulling me to sleep … because as usual Khol knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

“My little Queen,” Khol’s deep voice rumbled low causing me to blink my eyes open balefully.

“What? I’m sleeping.” I grumbled.

Khol chuckled. “You sleep with your eyes open now?”

He had me there, but I refused to give in. “Yep. Now go away. I’m sleep talking too, in case you haven’t figured that part out either.”

“I wish I could let you sleep, and I also wish that I could join you. You make my bed seem much more inviting than it normally is.”

“Wait—your bed?” I sat up on my elbows to take in the scenery around me. Sure enough I was greeted by the dark mahogany furniture and rich colors of Khol’s room instead of the purples hues of mine. “Why didn’t you take me to my room?” I asked with annoyance. He never played fair.