The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2) (18 page)

“It’s okay. Hey,” I said, pulling away and cupping her wet face with my hands. “Everything is going to be all right. I know it’s scary and probably not a lot of fun right now, but this is a magical day, Ruby. Today’s the day you become a woman.” I couldn’t help the tears that stung my eyes and the pinching in the back of my throat. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this is something to celebrate.” I let out a little laugh. The words were so true, but I hated getting my period. “You’re part of an elite club now.”

“An elite club?” she asked, her tone sardonic.

“Yes,” I exclaimed. “Being a woman is a beautiful thing, and even though it sometimes sucks, you should appreciate all the things your body is capable of. You don’t need to think about having kids for another ten or fifteen years, maybe even twenty, but this is just your body preparing itself for the most amazing feats.”

“Amazing feats?” she parroted, still not buying into my spiel.

“Growing and birthing babies. It’s the most amazing thing anyone will ever do with their body, and only women can do it, Ruby. It’s a gift.”

“It doesn’t feel like a gift.”

“I know. Most of the time it doesn’t, but it is.” My throat tightened again, thinking about the torture of still getting a period, my monthly reminder that my body was broken.

“Do you have anything at home? Pads? Midol?”

“My school gave out these little boxes that have three pads in them,” she said.

“Well, that’s not going to do the trick at all. You’ve got nothing else at home?”

She raised her eyebrows at me. “No. I haven’t asked my dad to stock up on maxi pads just in case I started my period.”

I laughed and ran my thumb under her eye, trying to dry the last of the tears.

“Fair point.” She laughed with me. “Okay, new plan. We’re headed to Target. We can get everything we need there. Do you still want to try on swimsuits?”

She thought about the question, and her face scrunched up, giving me my answer.

“Of course not. I wouldn’t want to try on swimsuits while on my period either. Okay,” I said with new enthusiasm. “We’ll go to Target, get everything we need, then we’ll pick out a few swimsuits you think you’ll like, buy them, and then later tonight or tomorrow you can try them on at home. Keep whichever one you want and I’ll return the rest.” I ran my hands down the sides of her face, then rested them on her shoulders. “Sound like a plan?”

“Okay,” she said softly. “But…,” she started, then looked as though she was too embarrassed to continue.

“Hey, you can ask me anything, Ruby. Okay? Anything.”

She took a breath then said, “What should I do right now? You know, about the blood.”

“Right,” I said, thinking. I had exactly one tampon in my purse, not ideal for an eleven-year-old. “Is there a lot? Has it leaked through your underwear onto your jeans?”

“No. Not yet. There isn’t much.”

“Okay, good.” I walked to where the toilet paper was and pulled a bunch off, wrapping it around my hand until there was a thick pad. “I’m going to step outside and I want you to put this in your underwear. Do you know where it goes?” She nodded but didn’t say anything. “This will be fine for the drive to Target. As soon as we get there, we’ll buy everything we need and then get fixed up in the bathroom. Don’t worry. Every woman has faced this dilemma. You are not alone.” I handed her the toilet paper pad, then made my way out of the bathroom, giving her my best smile before I shut the door behind me. I heard the lock click into place and I leaned against the wall, letting out a deep breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

After a few quiet minutes, Ruby finally emerged from the bathroom.

“Good to go?” I asked, putting a smile on, trying to communicate that everything was going to be all right.

“Yeah,” she said, although she didn’t look too convinced.

We walked out to the car and I could tell she was tense. I totally understood. Any woman would understand the dreaded walk through a public place when you weren’t properly equipped with suitable period protection. It was horrifying and embarrassing all at the same time—no matter your age.

We made it to the car and she slid in with a sigh of relief.

“Everything will be fine, Ruby. Promise.” She gave me a weak smile, but I could tell she didn’t believe me. At least, not yet. “I was eleven when I got my first period too.” I wasn’t sure why I’d offered that information, but I figured anything I could tell her at this point to make her feel like less of a leper would do her some good.

“Yeah, same as you. Although, I had already started sixth grade and was in school when it happened.”

Ruby gave me a horrified look.

“Unlike you, I hadn’t had any symptoms. No stomachache, no fatigue. And the worst part was, I had no idea I’d even started. The bell rang between classes and I left one class to go to the other and didn’t realize I had a big bloodstain on the back of my pants.”

“Oh, my goodness,” she said, obviously disturbed by my story.

“Right? And I walked all the way through the school before a teacher grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear that I needed to go see the school nurse.” I remembered the day so vividly and realized Ruby would probably remember today much the same way. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t horrible. “I had to wear a saggy pair of sweatpants the rest of the day with a giant pair of underwear the nurse had given me.”

We were both quiet for a moment, then Ruby said, “I guess it could have been worse. I could have been out somewhere with Dad and Jax.”

I tried to contain my laughter at the mental image popping into my brain. “Your father loves you very much, but you’re right—he probably would have freaked out.”

Ruby sank down farther into her seat. “Ugh, I can’t imagine having to tell him about this.”

“Listen, I don’t want to promote you keeping things from your father, because I’m sure he’d want to know about this, but it isn’t necessary for you to run home and tell him right away. I mean, I’ll get you enough stuff to keep you stocked for a while, but you can always come to me if you’re uncomfortable talking to your dad.”

Again, she was quiet for a few moments before she spoke. “It’s not that I don’t want him to know, I just can’t imagine telling him. Like, I don’t really want to talk to him about it. Ever.”

I laughed because I understood. When I was eleven, I would never have told my dad about my period. I was sure my mom took care of that.

“Do you want me to tell him?”

“You wouldn’t mind?” she replied, as if she were asking so much of me. My heart leapt at the idea of her trusting me to tell her father.

“Of course not, Ruby. I’d do anything for you. And your brother. You guys have to know that.”

“Thanks,” she replied shyly, and I felt some of the tiny cracks in my heart seal up, filled in by this girl and her ability to let me be a part of her life. “But can you do it when I’m not around. And make sure Jax doesn’t hear. The last thing I need is him bugging me about this.”

“Done and done.”

We pulled into the Target parking lot and I gave her a big smile. “Come on, time to get you stocked up.”

The store wasn’t terribly busy, which I was thankful for. It was about lunchtime and the middle of the week, and I was glad there wasn’t anyone else in the feminine hygiene aisle when we arrived.

“Okay, so you’re going to need two different kinds of pads to start, one for the day and one for the nighttime.”

“Really?” she asked, looking overwhelmed.

“Yeah, but only because you roll around in your sleep, so you need something with a little more protection.”

“Oh.”

I grabbed the pads I thought would be best and tossed them in our cart.

“Now we need Midol.”

“What about tampons?”

“Tampons are more for older girls. Maybe when you’re fifteen or sixteen.”

“Why do I have to be older? What’s the difference?”

“Well, pads just sit in your underwear, and tampons actually go inside your body. It’s better to wait until you’re older before trying them.” I prayed she took my answer and didn’t pry any more. I didn’t want to explain hymens and tampon usage to her in the middle of Target.

“What’s Midol for?”

“Midol is medicine for women and it’s specially made to treat the symptoms of your period.”

“So it’s different than just Tylenol?”

“Yeah. And you don’t have to take anything if you don’t want to, but it’s nice to keep around just in case you need it.”

“Like if I get cramps?”

“Yeah.”

I found the Midol and threw it in the cart, then headed toward the clothing. We picked out a new package of underwear and a few swimsuits she liked, and then I pushed my cart toward the ice cream and threw a few cartons in as well.

“We’ll need that later,” I promised.

As we headed toward the checkout, I tried to impart all my womanly knowledge. “Always look for a woman cashier if you’re embarrassed to buy pads. You shouldn’t be—it’s a part of life for everybody—but it’s okay if you are. If there’s a woman working, go to her line. If you can’t find a woman, find an older man, they usually know what’s up.” We found a nice woman who rang up all our items and even though Ruby looked embarrassed and as red as a tomato, the woman never gave away whether she’d figured out our situation. I felt for Ruby though and remembered those moments where you were sure everyone on the planet knew you were on your period. After I paid, I took her to the restroom and was glad to see the private family bathroom was available. I took her in, got her situated, explained how the pad adhered, then I stepped out to let her take care of it.

A few minutes later, a shy and slightly embarrassed Ruby emerged.

“Everything all squared away?”

“I think so,” she said with a shy smile.

“All right.” I took the bags from her and we walked out to the car. As I buckled I said, “I’m supposed to take you to your grandparents’ house now, but if you’d rather go home and watch movies and eat ice cream, I could be persuaded to extend our girls’ day.”

Finally, a genuine smile appeared on her face and I couldn’t help but smile back.

“That would be awesome,” she said enthusiastically.

I grabbed my phone and dialed Devon’s number.

“Hey, babe,” he said as a greeting, making my pulse speed up. “How’d girls’ day go?”

“It went fine, although Ruby’s not feeling so great at the moment, so I thought I’d take her back to your house instead of to your parents’. Would that be all right?”

“Of course. Is she all right?”

“She’ll be fine, just a little under the weather. Do you think you could let your mother know not to expect her?”

“Sure. Can I talk to Ruby?”

“Yeah, here she is.”

I handed the phone to her, giving her a supportive smile.

“Hey, Dad.” She paused and I could hear Devon’s voice through the phone, though I couldn’t make out what he was saying. “No, I’m okay, I just don’t feel well.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and gave me another smile. “I will, Dad. Okay. Here you go. Love you too.”

She handed the phone back to me and I put it up to my ear.

“Everything all right?” I asked.

“Yeah, just wanted to get a feel for what’s wrong.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of her until you get home.”

“I know you will. And thank you.”

“Nothing I’d rather be doing today,” I said, giving Ruby a wink. “See you later.”

“Love you, Grace.”

His words halted me. We’d never said those words so blatantly to each other, never over the phone, and definitely never in front of his kids. He knew I was with her, and yet he’d said the words and was waiting for a response.

“Grace,” he said again, his voice lower this time. “It’s okay. My kids know how I feel about you. If they can’t tell by the way I smile when I’m around you, then they picked up on it by the fact that you’re always around and always making me happy. It’s okay to love me in front of my children.”

I sucked in a deep breath, reeling from the whiplash of looking forward to cookies ’n’ cream ice cream with a tween movie to facing a monumental moment in my relationship.

“I love you, Grace,” he repeated. I took in a breath and answered him as best I could.

“I love you too, Devon.”

“I’ll see you when I get home. Take care of my girl.”

“Always,” I said before I could think better of it. I dropped my hand with the phone in it and ended the call. Then, I gave a tentative look at Ruby and, sure enough, she was looking right at me, but I couldn’t read her expression.

“Thanks for everything today, Grace,” she finally said once we were on the road.

“Anytime, Ruby. I’m glad I was with you and you weren’t alone.”

“I’m glad you’re here, too.”

Chapter
Nineteen

Devon

My day had been one long battle. I worried about Grace and Ruby and how they’d get along together, then I worried when Grace had called telling me Ruby was sick, and then the traffic to the airport prevented me from picking up Evie on time, which made me late getting Jax. So when we finally arrived home, I was stressed and perhaps a little bit grumpy.

Most of that grumpiness faded away when I saw Grace and Ruby in the living room together. They were both on the couch, leaning in toward the center and each other, each with a big blanket—even though it was ninety degrees outside—and there was evidence of ice cream consumption on the coffee table. I recognized
Pitch Perfect
on the television and knew it was Ruby’s favorite even though I found it a little too mature for an eleven-year-old. She loved it.

Something about the image of Grace and Ruby spending time together made the lump of tension inside me melt away.

“Hey, there’re my girls,” I said as I stepped inside, carrying Evie’s one, small overnight bag. “How’re you feeling, Ruby?”

She shrugged and said, “I’m okay.” I wasn’t particularly convinced by her answer, but I looked to Grace and she was smiling, so I figured everything was all right for the moment.

“Glad to hear it.” Evie stepped in behind me and Ruby’s face lit up.

“Aunt Evie!” Ruby jumped up from the couch so quickly, all my doubts over her health slipped away. I watched as Evie and Ruby embraced, then turned my attention to Grace, who was rising from the couch. I made my way over to her, my hand wrapping around the curve at her waist and pulling her to me gently.

“Everything all right? With Ruby?”

“Yeah,” she replied softly. “Everything’s great.” She smiled and wrapped her fingers in my shirt, gripping me like she didn’t want me to ever let her go, and I didn’t plan on it. I leaned forward and pressed a kiss against her lips. It wasn’t obscene, but it was more than just a peck. I wanted so much more, but was reminded of the other people in the room when I heard Evie talking to the kids.

“Nate is so excited to see you guys tomorrow! He bought us all matching Disney shirts.”

“Why didn’t he come with you?” Jaxy asked.

“He had a few things to finish up in Fairbanks, so he’s going to meet us at the airport tomorrow since his flight comes in an hour before ours. But he’s really looking forward to spending some time with you.”

I watched Jaxy bounce with excitement, but Ruby looked more worried than anything else. Something was up with her. I was about to ask Grace again about Ruby, but the smell permeating the house caught my attention.

“Is something cooking?”

“Grace and me made lasagna.” Ruby said the words proudly.

“You made dinner?” I asked Grace, looking back at her.

“You had a lot on your plate tonight, so I figured I’d make dinner so it would be ready when you got home.”

It was the smallest and most insignificant thing, but it had been years since a woman had made dinner and had it ready for me when I came home. I didn’t normally consider myself a caveman, but in that moment, there was nothing sexier than Grace making a lasagna.

“Hey, Grace, it’s good to see you again.” This came from Evie, who was walking toward us with Jaxy wrapped around her leg and Ruby still clinging to her middle. She held her hand out for Grace to shake, but Grace waved her away and hugged her on the side without any children attached.

“You, too. How was your flight?”

“Long,” Evie said on an exhale. “But I got a lot of work done, so that’s a bonus.”

“Dinner will be ready in a few minutes and hopefully you can relax.”

“It’s smells amazing.”

“Jaxy, take Evie to your room and show her where she’s sleeping. And take her bag, too.” Jaxy jumped at the chance to help and grabbed her bag, then pulled her down the hall. Ruby, still very much excited about Evie’s presence, went with them. I took the opportunity of a few moments alone and brought Grace back in, wrapping one hand around her waist and using my other hand to grip the back of her neck, bringing her lips up to mine.

“You didn’t have to make dinner,” I said after I’d pulled away, and I loved the way her little breaths panted against my face.

“I know. I wanted to.”

My eyes met hers and I couldn’t help but just take her in, look at her while her body was wrapped up in my arms.

“I’m going to miss having you next to me tonight,” I said, finally resting my forehead against hers. Even though I’d told her there wouldn’t be a problem, she insisted on not sleeping here when Evie was staying. She claimed it made her uncomfortable, but I wanted her in my bed. Every night. The only consolation was I knew for the days the kids were in California, Grace would be in my bed and any other room I wanted her in. We’d both taken the weekend off and I planned on spending it indoors and naked.

“My neighbors probably think I’ve been kidnapped,” she said with a laugh. “I haven’t been in my own bed in so long. My plants are probably all dead.”

“Well, you’re all mine starting tomorrow.”

“Looking forward to it,” she said just before she kissed me again. We were interrupted by the timer on the oven. I groaned as she pulled away, but it was for the better, as both kids came running down the hallway at the thought of food.

“How about we eat on the deck tonight? It’s not too hot.”

“Sounds great,” Evie said, coming out of the hallway. “I’ll take all the fresh air I can get after that plane ride.”

“Kids, set the table outside.” I gave Grace a wink and then went to help the kids.

An hour later and the food was all gone, the wine was still flowing, and the sun was beginning to dip lower in the sky. Grace and Evie were chatting each other’s ears off, and I was enjoying watching two women I cared very deeply about become friends.

I hadn’t necessarily been worried that Grace and Evie wouldn’t get along—it was hard to dislike either of them—but I knew there were reasons Grace could have kept her distance.

I loved that she didn’t.

She took every opportunity to engage Evie and find out more about her, and Evie did the same in return. It made everything seem that much easier, that much more perfect.

The kids had brushed their teeth, put on their pajamas, and said lengthy good nights to all of us. Ruby took her time with Evie, but took even more time with Grace, thanking her for their day together. I walked both the kids back to their rooms and tucked them in, and when I came back out on the deck, I found Evie and Grace both laughing so hard they had tears streaming down their cheeks.

“Something tells me Evie is telling you embarrassing stories about me.”

“I was just explaining that one time, at the lake my sophomore year, how you passed out drunk on the boat deck and your frat brothers spelled ‘Kick Me’ out on your back with sunscreen, and how you couldn’t figure out for the rest of the weekend why everyone kept kicking you.” Both the women burst into another fit of giggles at my expense, and I had to laugh along, because it was pretty funny. Now. Ten plus years later. It hadn’t been so funny at the time.

Their laughter died down and both of them took sips of their wine, and then Grace spoke up.

“Since you’re both here, I think there’s something we should all talk about.”

Evie gave me a worried glance, but then turned to Grace.

“What’s on your mind?” I asked, but I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer.

“Ruby asked me to tell you in private,” Grace said, looking at me. “But, since she’ll be with you a few days, I think it’s important you know, too,” she said, turning to Evie. Grace took in a deep breath and then continued. “Today, while Ruby and I were out having a girls’ day, she got her first period.”

Evie’s mouth dropped open and her hand swiftly came up to cover it, her eyes darting to me.

“She what?” I asked, unclear on what she was saying. Disbelief was the main reason I needed her to explain again.

“She started her period,” Grace replied gently, placing her hand on my knee.

“She’s too young to start her period. She doesn’t even have, you know,” I motioned to my chest and then whispered, “boobs.”

Evie was trying to hide a smile, but I could see it.

“She might not have impressive breasts, yet, but she’s developing. And one doesn’t really have much to do with the other as far as which comes first. It’s not like a chicken and egg scenario. Plus, she’s definitely old enough. I was eleven when I started mine.”

“I was only twelve,” Evie added.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said, waving my hands in front of my face, resisting the urge to cover my ears. “I don’t need graphic details.”

“Trust us, Devon, those were hardly graphic details.” Evie snorted and took another drink of her wine.

“I thought I had another four or five years.”

“You thought she wouldn’t get her period until she was sixteen?” Grace asked, clearly having underestimated how clueless I was about everything period-related.

“I don’t know. Maybe I was just hoping I had more time. I am not prepared for this at all.”

“Yeah, that’s true. You need a trash can in your guest bathroom.” This came from Evie.

“What? Why would you say that?”

“Because she’s going to need to throw things in the garbage and she’s not going to want to walk through the house with it balled up in her hand.”

“Oh,” I said quietly. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“I took her out today and bought her everything she’ll need for the next few months, but she’s still pretty freaked out about the whole thing. She’s afraid to swim, she’s afraid to ride the rides at Disneyland, and she’s really afraid that she’ll leak on your sheets, Evie.”

“Poor girl,” Evie said with so much love in her voice.

“She said she wanted you to know, Devon, but she didn’t want to tell you herself. I don’t think she really wants to talk to you about it. I think she’s embarrassed. Like we all were when we got our first period. Talking to our dads about it was the last thing we wanted, right, Evie?”

“Definitely.”

“Olivia never got the chance to talk to her about this stuff. She was so young.” The words slipped out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about them, but when my eyes found Grace, she wasn’t upset. She just looked sad. Olivia was going to miss out on a lot of things, and that alone was upsetting, but the worst part was that Ruby and Jax were going to miss out on having those experiences with their mother. It was pure luck that Ruby had been with Grace that afternoon, and there was no doubt in my mind that Grace had made Ruby feel comfortable and safe in what was probably a stressful situation for her. What could have been a disaster, seemed to be a memorable day for my daughter and the woman I loved. When I walked in the house that evening, Ruby was obviously happy and not emotionally scarred, which was probably what would have happened had she been with me. Instead she had ice cream and a girly movie, and fluffy blankets on the couch. Grace had given her that. “Thank you for taking care of her today. It means more than I can even explain.”

“Of course,” she said softly. She looked as though she wanted to say more, but she didn’t. She just gave me a smile.

“I’m glad you told me too, even though it’s none of my business,” Evie said.

“The way I figure it, Ruby needs as many women on her side as she can get. There’s room enough for both of us.”

If I hadn’t already loved her, I would have fallen for her in that moment.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Evie said with a bright smile.

I wanted nothing more than to kiss Grace stupid, but since we had a guest, I decided instead to go make sure the kids were fast asleep, and maybe sneak a kiss to Ruby’s forehead.