The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2) (17 page)

By the time my shift was over, I was exhausted and just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. But I knew I wanted to curl up and fall asleep with Devon’s arms around me, so I mustered up the courage to drive to his house, even though I knew we’d have to talk about everything roaming around in my head.

As usual, Devon’s door was unlocked so I let myself in quietly, locking it behind me. He always left the light over the stove on for me, but it was still a dark walk back to his bedroom. On the way, I peeked into Jax’s room, noting the nightlight was still on, which was good because if he woke up in the middle of the night and it was off, he’d panic. When I passed Ruby’s door I opened it just a crack and watched her for a moment, looking for the silent rise and fall of her chest.

Convinced both the kids were good for the night, I made my way to the end of the hall where Devon’s door was. When I pushed it open a wave of humidity rolled over me and I saw him sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Kids good?” he asked with a smile.

“Yeah.” I returned his smile then placed my purse on the chair by the window. “Why is it so steamy in here?”

“I drew you a bath.”

“You drew me a bath?” I asked, laughing at his choice of words.

“Yeah. It won’t sound so funny when you’re soaking in the hot water with a glass of wine.”

“You’re right. That doesn’t sound funny. It sounds wonderful.” I stepped up to him and smiled as his hands seemed to naturally move to the backs of my thighs, pulling me closer. “Are there bubbles?”

“Do you need bubbles?” His hands ran up my legs, fingers sliding under the edge of my skirt, flirting with the lace of my panties.

“Hmmm. Maybe not, but only if you join me.” His hands fell from my legs, which I was upset about at first, but he stood, pulling his shirt over his head, and I was too caught up in watching him undress to worry about much else.

We both took our clothes off, eyeing the other, then he led me to the bathroom where the deep, jetted tub was full, steam still coming off the water. And sure enough, in the back corner sat a glass of white wine, condensation forming on the outside of the glass.

Silently, he stepped into the tub, scooting his body back, leaving enough room for me to climb in front of him. Once we were both settled, my back against his front, one of his arms wrapped around the front of my shoulders, his other hand holding mine, only then could I feel myself start to really relax. A few quiet moments passed. I used my free hand to push the hot water up to my neck, loving the feeling of the water lapping against me.

“Tell me what’s bothering you,” he whispered against my ear.

Taking a deep breath, I prepared to say the words I knew would upset him. “The guy who attacked me at the bar showed up again tonight.” I felt him tense beneath me. His whole body contracted, hard like stone. “Randy spotted him before he really got in and kicked him out, but I can’t understand why he’d come back.”

“We’re going to the police station and filing a restraining order tomorrow.” I nodded, in complete agreement. “And you’re not working at a bar next summer. I don’t care what it takes, you’re not walking into a place where drunken idiots can get their hands on you all night.”

I ran my hand up his arm, trying to calm him. I was upset at first when Randy first told me what had happened, but I’d had a few hours to calm down. Devon was in the middle of the adrenaline rush, at the apex of the rage. I knew he wasn’t angry at me, but at the situation, and I just wanted to soothe him.

“I was thinking about that earlier today, even before he showed up. There are other ways I can make money in the summertime. I can tutor or even just get a normal waitressing job in a nice restaurant. No more bars. I only have two weeks left anyway. Summer’s almost over.”

“No more bars,” he practically growled. The words sounded more possessive than predatory, and even though it was slightly inappropriate considering the circumstances, I couldn’t help the fact that his voice did things to my body. “Tomorrow we go to the police station. My mom can watch the kids.”

“Okay,” I said, my voice breathy and soft.

He was quiet for a few minutes and as they ticked by his body slowly relaxed beneath me. I kept running my hand over his arm, splashing warm water on our bodies, just enjoying the way it felt to be held by him.

“You’ve been off for a few days, Grace. This isn’t just about what happened tonight. I can feel it. I know something else is bothering you. I just wish you’d tell me.” He paused for a moment, then gave my hand a squeeze before he spoke again. “Are you still worried about the photos?”

I tried not to react to his words. His breath against my skin made goose bumps break out, but the reason behind his words made me tense as I remembered the conversation I’d had with Shelby and all the things I still had to tell him. “I don’t know. Sort of. I think the photos just made me start thinking, and that was a bad idea in general.”

“What do you mean?”

“Before I unload on you, I just kind of want some sort of reassurance that you won’t think less of me afterward. I feel like a shitty person already, so just promise me you won’t hold it against me.”

“Babe, as long as what you’re saying is how you really feel, I’ll never think less of you. I might not always agree, but I’ll never look down on you for how you feel about something.” After he said the words, he pressed his lips against my neck and I cherished the connection, fearing it would be gone soon and I’d never have it again.

I took a deep breath and hoped this wasn’t the last conversation we’d have as a couple. I knew I had to talk to him about it, to let him either make me feel better or confirm my fears. Either way, it wasn’t fair to him to keep the thoughts to myself any longer. “You know you don’t have to worry about Jeff, right?”

“What do you mean?” Confusion laced his voice.

“I mean, if Jeff showed up on my doorstep next week, I’d tell him to go to hell. I’d slam the door in his face. He’d have no shot. You believe me, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied, still confused.

“Why do you believe me?” I asked, hoping to prove a point.

He didn’t answer right away, but eventually said, “Because you’re with me now.” My lungs snagged on a breath.

Damn.

When I didn’t respond immediately, his arm around my shoulders squeezed. “Talk to me.”

“You didn’t have a nasty divorce from your wife. You didn’t have a falling out, or even a fight. When your relationship ended, you were still in love with her.” He didn’t even miss a beat before he responded.

“Yeah.” The one word was light and easy. There was nothing to deny, so he didn’t even pretend.

“It’s hard for me because I feel as though I might never measure up.” Once the words fell out of my mouth I was both exhausted and relieved. Simultaneously. I’d never had a sentence take so much weight off my shoulders, and the tired feeling that came over me only emphasized how deeply I had been holding that truth in, how far down I’d had to dig to find it.

The quick and easy response he’d had just a moment ago did not come as easily that time. He was quiet for too long, making me nervous. When he finally did speak, it was soft words.

“I’m not going to lie and tell you that being with someone other than my wife was easy at first. That’s why I hadn’t dated anyone since she passed. It was a struggle for me, at first. Dealing with being attracted to someone else. It felt foreign and wrong. But running into you at Jaxy’s school, feeling that connection, that was the first time I’d felt anything close to what I felt for Olivia.”

It was hard listening to him speak; trying to make me feel better but not really saying anything to put my mind at ease. I wasn’t sure if there was anything he could tell me that would make it easier, but he hadn’t yet. I felt the distinct pinch in the back of my throat that told me tears were coming, and I didn’t want to cry in his tub with his arms around me. If I was going to cry, I wanted to do it at my own apartment, in my own bed, where I could sob all I wanted without worrying about ugly crying in front of him.

“Do you understand me, Grace? A part of me died right along with Olivia, and I was almost certain it would be dead forever. But then I saw you and something inside me sparked alive again.”

Oh, God.

“I’m not the same man I was with her. The man in love with you right now, the man whose arms are around you, he’s not the same man who loved her. She’s gone and he’ll never be back. But I’m here, with you, right now.”

My lip stung as I bit down on it, trying to keep in the sobs. The hurt in his voice cut right through me like a knife. The arm that had been wrapped around me moved, and his hand pulled my face up to look at him. His gaze pierced mine and his breath panted across my face.

“I’ll admit, I hadn’t given much thought to how difficult it might be to date me, how hard it would be to be the woman to follow Olivia, but you have to know that’s not how it works. I’m not comparing anyone to anything. Does that make sense?” He was definitely asking me a question, but I didn’t know the answer. It didn’t make sense; I didn’t understand. And I’m not sure I was meant to. “I’m not thinking about how she’s gone, I’m thinking about how you’re here.”

“Devon” was all I could manage before his mouth was on mine. He kissed me with desperation, as though he was trying to persuade me with his mouth how much I meant to him, and I felt it, all the way down to my bones.

“Please don’t question what I feel for you,” he said against my lips between kisses. “I love you, Grace. I love what I see in our future. Death ends things in a way that is both final and also unfinished. My love for her never died, per se, but it changed after she was gone. But I love you now, and I want to love you forever. I don’t want you thinking that you’re not enough, because you’re everything.”

I had no words, so I just kissed him back. I twisted my body so that I was no longer lying back on him, but so that my chest was pressed against his, and he didn’t miss a beat. His hands moved down my body, gliding easily over my skin, making water slosh against the side of the tub. One of his hands went down over my backside and the other came up, palming my breast.

My lips abandoned his to release a moan as his hands found every part of me.

I’d given him my words, and he’d given me his own.

We spent the next few hours using our bodies to communicate what we couldn’t say with words.

Chapter
Eighteen

Grace

The next two weeks passed without incident. We filed the restraining order and there were no more incidents at the bar. Summer vacation was coming to an end, and the kids were gearing up for their trip to California with Evie and Nate.

Things between Devon and I had improved, and even though I still struggled sometimes with insecurity, I knew it would only take time to overcome. Devon did nothing to make me feel unwanted; quite the opposite in fact.

Ever since our night in the tub, and the hours after in his bed, he’d done nothing but make me feel as though his relationship with me was at the top of his priority list. Besides his children, he was solely focused on me and making sure I was comfortable and happy.

I was. Blissfully so. And I worked hard to return the favor. I was at his house most nights, although I was still sneaking out before the kids woke up. There was a distinct joy that came with settling into a routine with him, Jax, and Ruby. I no longer felt as though I was visiting when I was at their house, but that there was a place carved out for me.

“Daddy.” Ruby’s angry voice carried down the hall.

“What?”

“My swimsuit is ruined.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look.”

Devon and I both turned our heads from the television and saw Ruby standing at the mouth of the hallway, holding up her one-piece swimming suit. It had holes cut in it, along with other wide strips of material missing.

“What in the world happened to it?” I asked.

“Jax?” Devon called, seeming to already know who was responsible. I tried to hide my smile as Jax emerged from his room, head bowed, guilt written all over his face. “Did you do this to your sister’s swimsuit?”

“I needed something to make a slingshot with! The material of her suit was stretchy and I had to use it since I couldn’t find a rubber band big enough.”

“You used my swimsuit to make a slingshot?” Ruby yelled, obviously not finding the humor in the situation I was. She lunged toward him, but he was faster than her and ran away before she could catch him.

“Ruby,” Devon called out, his voice sharp and swift. “I’ll handle your brother. Don’t lay a hand on him.”

She huffed out a frustrated breath and stomped back down the hallway. Once she was out of earshot I buried my face in Devon’s chest and let out the laughter I’d been holding in. His warm hand came to the back of my head, holding me to him, and I felt his chest rumbling with laughter too. I pulled back and looked him in the eye.

“Only Jax would cut up his sister’s swimsuit to make a slingshot. He’s crazy smart.” My smile was wide. I’d been smiling a lot in the past few weeks.

“I don’t know about that. Smart people usually consider the consequences before performing such obvious crimes. Did he not think he was going to be caught?” He let out another laugh, but when it died down it turned into a sigh. “A swimsuit trip was not on my agenda. Evie’s coming to get the kids tomorrow and I have to work all day.”

“I can take her to get a swimsuit,” I said, moving my hand up his chest to rest on his shoulder. “I’d love to, actually.”

“You have time tomorrow?”

“I’m free as a bird,” I responded with a smile.

“You’d really be helping me out. Ruby’s been a handful lately and I’m sure Jax doesn’t want to go swimsuit shopping with his sister.”

“It’ll be good. I’ve had plenty of one-on-one time with Jaxy at school and stuff. It’ll be nice to have a little girl time with Ruby. Maybe we can go get our nails done or something too.” A sweet smile spread across his face and he leaned in, kissing me deeply until I was out of breath. “What was that for?” I asked when he pulled away.

His thumb came up and rubbed right under my bottom lip. “You called him Jaxy. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call him anything except Jax.”

It hadn’t occurred to me that I hadn’t been using his nickname. I’d heard Devon and Ruby call him that ever since we started dating.

“I guess you finally rubbed off on me,” I said, lifting one shoulder in a shrug.

“I think, perhaps, you finally are starting to feel like a part of our family.”

“Perhaps,” I whispered, emotions creeping back into my voice. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined finding a man as wonderful as Devon and finding a place in a family. A family was all I’d ever dreamed about, and sitting here with him, his arms around me, children arguing down the hall, it all seemed too good to be true.

“I think you should stay here tonight.” His words were definitive.

“All right,” I agreed. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t stayed over almost every night in the last month.

“And I want you to be here when the kids wake up.”

“Devon—” I began to argue, but he cut me off.

“I want you to get used to it as much as them. I promise it won’t be a big deal. In fact,” he sat up straighter with his words and then called out, “Kids, come out here for a moment.”

“What are you doing?” Panic made my heart race.

He smiled at me in response, then pressed a quick kiss against my forehead before moving me off him and sitting up straight on the couch. Ruby and Jax came down the hallway, both with expectant looks on their faces.

“Quick family meeting,” Devon started once both kids were in front of us. “We’re all going to go out to dinner tonight, the four of us, and we’re going to stop at Grace’s on the way home. She’s going to grab some of her stuff and she’s going to stay the night here. Then, tomorrow, I’m going to take Jaxy to Grandma’s like normal, but Ruby’s going with Grace to get a new swimsuit and do some other girly stuff.” My mouth gaped open and I stared at Devon as though he’d grown a second head. “Anyone have anything to say about any of that?”

“I wanna go do girly stuff too,” Jaxy whined.

“Sorry, bud. You cut up your sister’s swimsuit, you lose out on the fun stuff.” There was a pause. Devon gave a small clap of his hands. “Okay, as you were. We’ll leave for dinner in a few hours. No more fighting or Grace and I will pick a really boring, grown-up place.”

“Okay,” both the kids said in unison before they turned and made their way back toward their rooms.

“See?” Devon said, turning to me. “Problem solved. Now everyone’s on the same page.”

I was speechless for a moment, my thoughts trying to catch up with everything that had happened in just a few minutes. “You’re crazy,” I said on a laugh. I wasn’t laughing because I thought it was funny, I was laughing at how surprisingly he handled it, and how the kids didn’t seem to bat an eye at the idea of me spending the night.

“I’m tired of losing time with you, Grace. Tired of watching you get up early and go home to a cold and lonely bed when there’s no reason you can’t stay here, with me, and be a part of this life. Unless you don’t want to be….” His words trailed off as insecurity seeped into his voice.

“No. God, no. Of course I want to be here. You and the kids mean everything to me. I’m just worried about taking this too fast. What if we all get comfortable and a few months down the line something happens and we aren’t together anymore.”

His hands formed fists, the muscles in his forearms rippling from the tension.

“I refuse to live my life worrying about the future. I love you and you’re not some woman I just met on the street. I
know
you, and I know how much you care about my kids, and we’re all better off when you’re here, with us.”

I reached over and laid my hand on his arm, and let out a breath when he relaxed. He exhaled, the tension in his arms melting away, then his head dipped low and he turned to look at me. “I can’t keep you away because I’m afraid of losing you. That doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“When you say it like that, it doesn’t make any sense to me either.” I leaned toward him, my side resting against him, my head tilting until it landed on his shoulder. “I’ll try to stop worrying about everything. I want to be here. I do.”

“Just let us love you.” His words were pleading.

It’s all I’d ever wanted.

“Okay.”

There was no particular nail salon I favored, as regular manicures weren’t really in a teacher’s budget, but I figured one at the mall would be as good as any. Ruby and I had gone to a coffee shop and I’d gotten a chocolaty coffee drink with far too much sugar, and she’d ordered an Italian soda. We’d wandered through part of the mall on the way to the salon, but she was being particularly quiet. She didn’t look so great either, if I was being honest. She was pale and she looked tired. I hoped she wasn’t getting sick right before her trip to California.

When we’d walked into the nail salon, I helped her pick out a pale pink color for her nails and then decided to use the same one. We were ushered to chairs right next to each other and then the nail techs went to work on us.

“Are you excited for your trip?” I asked as the nice woman in front of me cut down my cuticles.

“Yeah, I’m just not looking forward to the plane.”

“Flying isn’t my favorite thing either. But that’s why Evie’s flying here, so she can ride back with you and Jaxy, so you aren’t alone.” I looked over at her, wondering if it was the stress of the flight that was making her look off. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Ruby. Your father would never let you get on a plane if it weren’t safe.”

She gave me a small, unconvincing smile. “I know.”

“Are you all right, honey? You don’t look like you’re feeling well.”

“I’m okay, I think. I’m just really tired and I have a stomachache.”

I took the hand that wasn’t being worked on and pressed it against her forehead. “You don’t feel warm.”

She shook her head. “I don’t feel like I’m sick. I just feel icky.”

“I’m sorry, sweetie. Do you want to go home?”

“No,” she answered softly. “It’s okay. I was really looking forward to a girl day.”

She said the words with a sad smile that broke my heart. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her as far into me as I could without disrupting our manicures.

We spent the next half hour chatting quietly about her entering middle school, finally being at a school without her brother, and which boy band she’d fallen in love with over the summer. When our nails were dry we stood and as I went to pay she asked the tech if they had a restroom.

“I’ll meet you up front,” I said as she wandered to the back of the salon where the tech said the bathrooms were.

I paid and then took my phone out and started thumbing through my e-mails, catching up on some district communication from the school. It was boring, back-to-school business, but it took a few minutes to read through. When I got to the end, I realized Ruby had been gone a while and I debated whether I should check on her or not. I decided to give her a few minutes, but with each passing second she was gone, worry worked its way through me. Finally, I walked to the back of the salon, following the path I’d seen her take, to a door with a restroom sign on it.

I knocked gently and called out to her. “Ruby, are you in there?”

“Grace?” she asked, and my heart squeezed at her voice. She sounded panicked and scared. “Is that you?”

“Yes, sweetie, it’s me. Are you all right?” I pressed my ear to the door, trying to grasp any tiny piece of information about what was bothering her. Had she gotten sick? Was she hurt? I heard sniffling, like she was crying, and I knocked more urgently. “Ruby, what’s going on?”

Finally I heard shuffling, then the lock clicked, and the door opened just slightly. I saw Ruby’s tearstained face and every instinct inside me went into overdrive. Something was wrong with her and I needed to fix it. She wouldn’t meet my gaze, but after a moment she opened the door and took a step back, allowing me in.

I slipped into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me, and then took a moment to look her up and down. She didn’t appear to be hurt, but there weren’t any other clues as to why she was upset.

“Ruby, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

She finally looked up at me, but then burst into tears. She reached up to wipe the tears away, but I went straight to her and wrapped my arms around her, running my hand down her hair. I held her while she cried and I just kept praying she’d tell me what was upsetting her. Finally, the cries died down, but she didn’t let go of me. A few moments later, she finally spoke.

“I think I started my period.”

There were so many emotions blooming in my mind, it was hard to keep them all from overwhelming me. The first was relief; I was so glad there wasn’t something more serious bothering her. The second was concern, then confusion, and then I just wanted to hug her.

So I did.

“Is this your first one, sweetie?” I asked gently, trying not to say the wrong thing. She nodded against my chest, and my heart just ached for her. Suddenly, everything fell into place: her stomachache, the fatigue, the general ickiness she felt. This would also be a huge reminder of the fact that her mother was gone. No matter how well Ruby and I got along, no matter how much she liked me, I could only think of how much she was probably missing her mother. I knew I could never replace her, but right then I vowed I would do everything to make this day easier for her.