The Promises We Keep (Made for Love Book 1) (18 page)

“
Addie
—
Addison, stop. Baby
—
stop!
”

“
What is happening? What are you saying?
”

“
I
’
m saying that I need a break. I need some space. I
—”

I cut him off, slapping both of my hands over his mouth.
“
No. The answer is no.
”
I shake my head at him so violently that my tears are being thrown from my eyes.

He gently pries my fingers away from his face and the look he gives me in the process makes me realize that I don
’
t have a choice.
“
I
’
m not asking, baby.
”

I
’
m trembling from head to toe. My mind is reeling. I don
’
t understand. I can
’
t understand. Three hours ago he was kissing me in my doorway and now
—“
More words,
”
I demand.
“
Use more words.
”

“
I love you,
”
he whispers as he runs his knuckles down my check.

“
Then why are you saying these things? Why are you trying to break up with me? Oh, God
—
what is happening?
”
I sob, his words becoming more real as I repeat them myself.

“
Listen, listen to me
—
Addison,
”
he grips my chin between his fingers and positions my face so that I have nowhere to look but into his eyes.
“
I love you, so much. You
know
that I love you
—
but this version of me
…
I can
’
t marry you.
”

“
That
’
s not true. Beckham, that
’
s not true! You promised
—
you
promised!
”
I
’
m yelling, but I can
’
t help it. He needs to hear me.

“
I know, I know! And I
’
m trying to keep my promise, can
’
t you see?
”

“
No! No, I don
’
t. I don
’
t understand.
”

“
I
’
m not ready. I
’
m never going to be ready if you don
’
t let me go. I have to figure some things out, I have to
—”

“
What things? What things, Beckham?
”
I can feel my state of shock morphing into panic.

“
I don
’
t know!
”
he erupts.
“
That
’
s my point!
”
He lifts me from his lap, placing me on the couch before he stands, raking his fingers through his hair. I was desperate to get out of his grasp earlier, but now the absence of him seems devastating.
“
Addison,
”
he continues as he paces in front of me.
“
I don
’
t want to do this. Do you think I want to do this? It
’
s
killing
me to do this. But I have to do life alone for a while. I have to figure out who I am and what I
’
m capable of without you.
”

“
We
’
re supposed to be spending the rest of our lives together
—
how could you possibly benefit from figuring out who you are
without
me?
”
I plead.

“
I don
’
t remember life before you,
”
he says, stopping to look me square in the face.
“
I practically grew up as your boyfriend. I
’
ve never done anything without you
—
I
’
ve never experienced any other relationship than ours
—”

“
Hold on a second,
”
I mutter as I stand.
“
Are you trying to tell me that you want to see other people?
”
For a moment, my tears come to a screeching halt as a ripple of rage overwhelms me.

“
No!
”
he cries, aghast.

“
You can
’
t just
throw this at me
, Beckham!
”
I shout with a push. He doesn
’
t budge, but it feels good to hurl myself at him
—
my words not expressing enough
—
and so I do it again.
“
You can
’
t just walk away from me!
”

“
I
’
m doing this for
you
,
”
he insists, grabbing hold of my arms to stop my assault. His grip keeps my arms pinned to my sides.
“
I
’
m doing this for
you
,
”
he repeats, softly.

“
I don
’
t want to break up
—
I don
’
t want to be without you. So, no, you can
’
t possibly be doing this for
me
.
”

“
I want to marry you,
”
he states matter-of-factly.

“
Then just
ask me
.
”

“
I. Can
’
t.
”

“
Why not?
”
I sob.

His hands fall away from me and his shoulders slump in defeat.
“
Because I
’
m not man enough.
”

“
Says who?
”
I ask, wrapping my arms around him.
“
I don
’
t believe that.
”

“
Says
me
.
”
He heaves a heavy sigh as he slides his fingers up his nose, pushing up his glasses as he squeezes the ridge between his eyes.
“
I don
’
t know how to explain it,
”
he mutters as he closes his eyes.
“
It
’
s just
…
who I am right now is incapable of marrying you; I
’
m incapable of being the husband that you deserve
—
but I
want
to be him, the man worthy of you.
”

“
This isn
’
t fair,
”
I whimper.
“
Shouldn
’
t I be the judge of that?
”

He shakes his head as he drops his hand and opens his eyes to look down into mine.
“
Apparently not.
”

Suddenly I
’
m feeling incredibly stubborn and I pull away from him. For a second, I recognize that this whole situation has me going insane
—
my brain and my heart tossing out a different emotion every other second. I feel completely out of control, but I can
’
t reign any of it in. My world seems to be crashing in on itself and I
’
m powerless to stop it. That doesn
’
t mean I
’
m going to stop fighting, though.

“
I can
’
t accept this. I won
’
t.
”

“
Addie, it
’
s my decision and I
’
ve made it.
”

His resolute tone leaves me feeling deflated and I
’
m instantly an incoherent ball of tears. I curl up on the couch, pulling my knees against my chest as I surrender to my sobs. I still can
’
t believe this is happening
—
this is worse than my worst nightmare because I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that this would ever happen.

I feel the couch dip beside me as he sits and gravity begs me to fall into his arms, but I refuse. When he places a hand on my arm, I shrink away from his touch and shake my head at him to emphasize my reproach.
“
If you love me so much, I don
’
t know how you can ask me to accept this
—
I don
’
t know how you could accept this yourself! I don
’
t want anyone but you
—
just the way that you are
—
and I
’
ve never heard you say that you need to be more; you
’
ve never even hinted that we needed a break for you to figure anything out
—
you just asked me to wait for you, and that
’
s what I
’
ve been doing.
”

“
I know. I never considered this as an option until a week ago. From the moment the idea was planted in my head, I haven
’
t been able to shake it. Addison
—”
he leans toward me, resting his forehead against mine as he runs a hand along the length of my hair.
“—
this isn
’
t easy for me either. The last thing I want is to lose you,
”
he whispers.

His words tug at my heart and I uncoil myself and crawl into his lap, straddling him as I push his glasses up onto his head.
“
I
’
m right here, Beckham,
”
I breathe.
“
You won
’
t lose me if you don
’
t push me away. I
’
m right here.
”
My words get lost in his mouth as I press mine against his. He responds instantly, clutching me against him as we kiss each other desperately. I taste the salt from my tears
—
tears that I want to forget in this moment; but when I reach up to cup my hands around his face, I realize that his cheeks are once again covered in his own tears and my heart breaks. I pull my mouth away from his and we stare at each other as we try and regain control of our breathing.

“
Addison Jane
—
I want to promise you the world, but I
’
m not equipped to do that right now. I
’
m not proposing that we break up forever
…
just for a while.
”

When my tears come back, I realize I can
’
t take anymore of this emotional whiplash. I pull away from him and stand to my feet as I blow out a slow breath to try and gather myself long enough to say what I have to say.
“
I can
’
t do this right now. This is too much too fast. You get that right?
”
I don
’
t give him a chance to respond.
“
I need you to leave.
”

“
What, now?
”
He's surprised by my request. The idea makes me want to scoff
—
but if I loosen the muscles of my throat, a scoff won't be what comes out.

“
Yes. Please. Just go.
”

“
Addie
…”