The Road To Forgiveness (12 page)

“What about your sleep patterns. How have you
felt the past two days when you’ve woken up? Do you feel anxious,
well rested, content or upset?”

“I’ve actually gotten a really good night
sleep the past two nights. Sebastian’s presence seems to help me
relax and go to sleep. I was having the same themed nightmares,
every night since I returned home a month and a half ago. In the
past two weeks I’ve only had two. I know it is because of
Sebastian”

“Some people would consider two to be a high
number.”

“Yes, but when it could have been fourteen in
two weeks, I consider the number to be low. Really, the two
nightmares happened before Sebastian and I decided to work things
out. Since I’ve agreed to try things again, I haven’t had any. I
can’t explain it. I feel safer when I’m asleep next to Sebastian. I
think it also helps that I’ve been talking to you.”

“So you’re still sleeping with Sebastian
every night? Did you take into consideration my suggestion that you
separate yourself physically from him? Mia, in my opinion, you are
too emotionally weak to continue the intense physical relationship
you have with him. You are clinging on to him too fast. Following
through with my suggestions is detrimental for your emotional
state. I’m not saying you should stop seeing him, I’m saying you
two need to spend a little less time together, especially at
night.”

I try and retain all the information she is
telling me but I can’t listen to her when it comes to Sebastian.
Maybe it isn’t the smartest thing for my emotional state but I know
myself better than she does. I may have run before, but its clear
to me now how much I need him.

“I see what you’re saying but it’s a risk I
have to take. I need Sebastian, in every way, shape, and form. I
know if I were to put space between us my progress would back
slide. You may not believe that but I do.”

Dr. Krane nods her head as she writes
something down in her journal.

“Very well, let’s talk about tonight.
Christmas Eve was a big family night for you and will probably
spark many memories of you with your son. What kind of things would
you do?”

“We always had Christmas Eve at my mother’s
house. We celebrate on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day. We
would have the biggest spread of southern cooking you could ask for
and it would feed us for the next week. Miles would open his
presents around ten. We never did the whole Santa Claus thing so
that kind of made the gift giving more personal. Miles was always a
very grateful kid with everything he received. We would start the
festivities with fireworks. It was Charlie and Miles’s thing.
Charlie would stock up all year and then him and Miles would let
them off in the back yard, before all our extended family got
there. It was their way of celebrating the birth of Christ. At
least, that was the excuse they would give us every year before we
watched a thirty-minute amateur firework show.

“We would eat dinner and then the adults
would drink and play card games while the kids would watch
The
Grinch
. Around ten we would open presents. Before we handed the
present we bought to the recipient of our gift, we would say
something we were grateful for about that person. Every year, when
I would give Miles his first gift, I would always say the same
thing. Then I would come up with something unique and different for
the rest of his gifts.

“Charlie always gave Miles fishing and
camping gear. I can’t express how much it meant to me that Charlie
was in his life.” I pause for a second, remembering the huge smile
on my son’s face when he would get new camping gear.

“My mom would usually get Miles the big gift
he requested that year along with a hand made blanket or quilt. The
quilt would revolve around some of the activities that happened
over that past year. Then after gifts, we would make hot chocolate
and popcorn. We’d end the night eating our popcorn and watching
It’s A Wonderful Life.
Miles usually fell asleep before the
end but it was our tradition.”

Dr. Krane listens to me and smiles at some of
the happy memories.

“You said you would always say the same thing
to Miles every year when you handed him the first gift. What was
that?”

“I would say, ‘I am so thankful, that even
though God knew I was not worthy of you, he gave me you anyway. You
are the most precious gift I have ever been given and I’m thankful
that you love me just as much as I love you.’ It may sound corny,
but I meant every word of it.”

Dr. Krane writes a little more down in her
journal. “You know what I noticed from that? You put yourself down,
even in telling your son why you’re thankful. It’s almost as if you
put no worth on you and your life.”

This is true and I’m not at all surprised
that the doctor caught on to this.

“I’m not worthy. I was an emotionally screwed
up teenager with abandonment issues regarding my father. Then after
the rape, I lost all self-worth. Even after all this, I was still
blessed with the most perfect son. Take that however you want to
but I meant what I told him.”

For the first time in the four sessions I
have had with Dr. Krane, I see pity for me in her eyes. That’s not
something I want to see in the eyes of my therapist.

“Here is my suggestion to you before our next
session. Tonight, try to do one of the traditions you would do with
Miles. I know this may be hard but I feel like this would be a good
exercise for you. It might even help you in the grieving process.
It doesn’t really matter which tradition you do, just as long as
you do one. We’ll talk about what you chose, how it went, and how
it made you feel on your next appointment.”

We continue our session and Dr. Krane briefly
touches upon each of the subjects we have talked about in the past.
We talk about the absence of my father, Kyle, the fact that I blame
myself for everything bad in my life, my relationship with my
mother, and Sebastian. Before I know it, the hour is over and we
are parting ways. I make an appointment to see her right after New
Years to discuss how the holidays went.

I get in my car and drive to Outback to meet
Jonathon for lunch. I’m surprised when I pull up and see Jonathon
and Sebastian standing right outside the front doors to the
restaurant. I park my car, get out and walk over to see them.

Jonathon leans in to kiss both of my cheeks,
“ Hello, precious. I’m so glad you could join us.”

I pinch his shoulder as I give him a gentle
hug and move over to greet Sebastian. “Hi,” I say softly as I give
him a tender, quick kiss.

“Hi, beautiful. How are you feeling today? Do
you want to sit down?”

Even though I have been fine the past two
weeks, Sebastian is stilled worried about me. He knows I haven’t
taken this bed rest thing seriously. Sebastian has only given in to
me moving around because we still have sex. If I can have sex with
him, I should be cleared to do any other activity.

“I feel great. What are you doing here?”

“Jonathon called and invited me after he
finished texting you. He thought it would be good for the three of
us to hang out together and I agree.”

I smile at him; glad he’ll get to know my one
and only friend a little bit better.

“Sounds great! I’m starving so lets go eat,”
I say enthusiastically as I walk over to open the doors.

“Actually we changed the plans a little.
We’ll get in my car and go to the new destination,” Jonathon laughs
as he pulls me in to the direction of his car.

“ What… why… What’s wrong with Outback? The
little one in my stomach is demanding food now,” I pout.

I hear Sebastian speak behind me, “Maybe
she’s right, Jonathon. We can eat here and then go miniature
golfing.”

“God you’re pussy whipped. She is playing the
baby card to pull at your heartstrings. She can wait the
fifteen-minute drive to the golf course. We can eat the cheap
hotdogs and fries that they sell before we golf. We’ll actually
probably be eating sooner there than we would here. It will take
too much time to order and wait for them to make our food if we
stay here. “

I sulk a little more, “I suck at miniature
golf. Couldn’t we do something where I actually have a fighting
chance at winning?”

Jonathon laughs loudly as Sebastian brings
his arm up over my shoulder. His mouth lowers to my ear, “I
promise, win or lose, you will receive a reward later tonight.”

His husky voice spreads goose bumps up and
down my body. I would jump him right now if Jonathon weren’t with
us. I keep facing forward as if what he said didn’t just make me
horny as hell, but the smile on my face gives me away. Sebastian
gives me his trademark smirk as he opens the card door for me to
get in. He goes to hop in the back seat with me when Jonathon stops
him.

“Oh, no. I will not look like your chauffer,
with the two of you hauled in back, making sex eyes at each other
while Sebastian gropes you and I’m in the front seat by myself. One
of you is sitting shotgun.”

Sebastian let’s out a slight noise of
irritation as he kisses me briefly on the cheek. He gets out of the
backseat to sit shotgun next to Jonathon. We pull out of the
parking lot and start to make the fifteen-minute drive to the
miniature golf course. The boys look excited to go mini-golf, but
inwardly I am preparing my surrender to the giant clown mouth that
will never allow my tiny pink golf ball to go through the hole.

*****

“Sebastian…” I can’t concentrate because
Sebastian’s body is creating the perfect storm in mine. He’s
grabbing me with one hand as his mouth is kissing and sucking on my
neck. His other hand is rubbing perfect circles over my clit. I’m
in ecstasy.

We’re in the back seat of his rental car in
the parking lot of Outback. Jonathon dropped us off a few minutes
ago after Sebastian kicked both of our butts during two rounds of
miniature golf.

The minute Jonathon pulled away Sebastian was
dragging me to his car, mumbling about how he wasn’t a saint and
couldn’t wait until tonight to give me my reward. He gently pushed
me into the back seat of the vehicle and followed right behind me,
closing the door. I barely had time to process what was happening
before Sebastian was on me, kissing me and telling me how much he
missed me all morning.

Now he has me incredibly hot. I’m ready to
come at any moment. “We can’t do this… here,” I moan in weak
protest.

“You’re almost there, Honey. Let me make you
come. This will be our desert from lunch. We owe ourselves desert,
don’t you think?”

I wasn’t listening to him anymore as my body
shot over the edge and I came. Sebastian puts two fingers inside me
so he can feel me pulse around him. I’m panting into his neck and
slowly coming down from the high.

“Best. Dessert. Ever.” I pant.

His fingers slowly pull out of me and out of
my pants. Sebastian brings them to his mouth and licks me off his
fingers. “I couldn’t I agree more,” he says as he pulls his fingers
out of his mouth.

I moan at the visual.

“Let’s go back to the hotel. I want to return
the favor.”

He looks down into my eyes. His body is still
slightly hovering over mine. “I didn’t do that for reciprocation. I
did that because I wanted to. I love to see you come undone for
me.”

I smile up at him, “I know. Did you ever
think that I wanted to do it for the same reason? I love to see you
in shock, “I guess I never thought about that. Let’s head back and
get ready to go to your mother’s house. We don’t want to be
late.”

I pout a little more as I move my hand to rub
gently against the erection Sebastian has been sporting since we
got into the backseat of his car.

“But I want you… now. We can be a few minutes
late,” I say as my hand drifts up and starts to unbutton his
pants.

Sebastian let’s out a deep groan. “I want to,
Honey, but we can’t. It’s getting late.” He moves to adjust himself
but I move with him as I lower his zipper and reach my hand into
his boxers in one quick movement. My hand starts to stroke up and
down his length as Sebastian’s body starts to get incredibly harder
in my palm.

“You just don’t listen, do you,” he teases as
he sits down on the back seat. He pulls me astride him so my back
is to the driver’s seat and his back is against the back seat. He
lets out a moan as I start to pump him faster and lower my mouth to
his.

The kiss starts out intense and quickly
becomes urgent. Sebastian lifts my shirt over my head as I struggle
to get my jeans and thong off. What was meant to be a quick hand
job in the back of the car has become a quick fuck. Sebastian
lowers his pants so that his cock is completely free as I finally
get my jeans off. I go to remove my thong but Sebastian grabs my
hips and moves me over his erection.

“No time,” he breathes out as his hand moves
the material of my thong over. In one thrust he is inside me,
filling me so deeply.

I reunite my lips with his and kiss him
passionately; His mouth is silencing the uncontrollable sounds
coming from mine. He feels so good inside me. If I never had to
leave his body, I would be the happiest person on the planet.

It is quick, messy, uncomfortable and totally
worth it. I can feel him get impossibly harder inside me as he
pumps hard into my pussy. His body starts to tremble and I know it
won’t be much longer before he is coming inside me.

“I need to come. Are you almost there?” He
asks desperately. I am almost there but I still need a minute.
Sensing this, Sebastian brings his thumb to my clit and starts to
rub. This is all I need to push over the edge and I come hard
riding Sebastian’s cock. With one last thrust, I immediately feel
Sebastian come inside me. I kiss his eyebrows, his forehead, his
nose, his cheeks and every inch in-between. I want to soothe him
with my lips from the intense orgasm he just had. When our
breathing settles, I finally break eye contact with him and looked
around. Just like in the movies, we have completely fogged up the
windows. I can’t help the laugh that bursts from my lips at this
realization.