The Road To Forgiveness (13 page)

“What’s so funny?” Sebastian asks me as he
starts to put my shirt back on me. He is still inside me. Part of
me hopes it is because he doesn’t want to lose the contact between
us. Just like I don’t.

“We fogged up the windows. I’m sure anyone
who’s driven by knows what we were doing.”

He laughs along with me. “We do know how to
get things scorching hot, don’t we,” he teases.

“I guess we need to get back now, don’t
we?”

Sebastian looks down at his watch.

“It’s a little after four so we need to
hurry. We’ll get back to the hotel, shower and change, and be at
your mother’s at six.” He kisses me one last time and gently lifts
me off his hips. We changed as quickly as possible. Neither of us
saying too much. Once I’m dressed and ready to go, I open the door
and step out of the backseat of the car. Sebastian follows me out
of the car so that he can get in the driver’s seat.

He gives me a passionate kiss on the lips
before releasing me. “I’ll see you back at the hotel, Honey.”

I smile and make my way over to my car. Part
of me is hopeful and part of me is dreading tonight’s
festivities.

“ Are you ready to go inside?” Sebastian asks
me for the third time.

We are sitting in my mother’s driveway and
Sebastian is patiently waiting for me to open the door. It’s going
to be a quiet Christmas Eve. My mother didn’t invite any of our
extended family member’s like she usually does. It’s just going to
be Sebastian, Charlie, my mother and me.

Jonathon was supposed to spend Christmas with
us but he cancelled last minute. He is going to take a flight out
to Seattle and try to spend the Holiday with Cameron. I guess
watching Sebastian and I reconnect has motivated Jonathon to try
and do the same.

Maybe that is why I am acting like a total
lunatic and unable to get out of the car. We’ve been sitting in the
driveway for the past ten minutes and my legs are unwilling to
move. I take a few more deeps breaths and think about what Dr.
Krane has told me.

“I can do this,” I say to Sebastian. “Can you
come around and help me out?”

He nods his head and kisses me gently, and
then he turns and opens his door. Within seconds he is around the
car and opening the passenger side door for me. He reaches down for
my hands and I don’t protest. Even though my body seems to be in
shock, I am mentally prepared to face this holiday.

“I’m proud of you,” Sebastian whispers to me
as we slowly start to make our way to the front door. I don’t say
anything as I lean into him for support.

We walk in to my mother’s house and I spot
Charlie and my mother, dancing slowly in the kitchen. It warms my
heart to see this. Charlie and my mother used to have these tender,
sweet moments all the time. I watch for a few seconds as their
happiness spreads across the room and to me.

I make a deliberate coughing noise and they
both turn their heads towards Sebastian and I.

“I’m sorry, Darling, I didn’t hear you come
in.” My mother walks over to us and gives us both hugs. “Merry
Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Momma.”

“Merry Christmas, Melanie.”

Charlie steps in and picks me up in one of
his bear hugs, “Merry Christmas, Mia.”

I hug him back just as tightly. His warmth
comforts me.

When Charlie lets go he shakes hands with
Sebastian and they exchange pleasantries. We all walk in to the
kitchen and my mother goes back to the stove to continue cooking.
Charlie grabs a beer from the fridge and hands one to Sebastian as
we all sit down at the table. I would help my mother cook but I’ve
been banned from the kitchen since I was twelve years old. That was
the year my mother lost all hope in my ability to ever be able to
cook a decent meal.

Sebastian and Charlie start talking sports,
specifically basketball and what team they think has a chance at
winning the championship this year.

“I have to respectfully disagree, Charlie.
The Heat has LeBron, Allen, Wade, and Bosch. They’re line-up is
unstoppable.”

“I know I only lived in Chicago a short time,
but I think the Bulls are going to shock everyone this year. They
have Noah, Boozer, Robinson, Deng, Gibson, and its rumored Rose
will be back off the injury list this year. If that’s true, then I
think they will go all the way,” Charlie adds. I would chime in but
I know nothing about basketball.

I make small talk with my mother about the
food, the weather, and if she is going to enter apple pie contest
that is thrown every year during Rib Fest. She is still undecided
but she said she would let me know as soon as she makes up her
mind.

“So, I wanted to ask you guys something,” I
say to everyone in the room but look down at my hands. I can feel
everyone’s eyes on me so I look up in to Sebastian’s eyes, seeking
comfort from the familiarity.

“My therapist suggests that I continue on
with at least one tradition we do every year… with Miles,” I say
nervously. I decide to continue and speak fast before anyone has
time to speak and ruin my idea.

“So I thought that maybe we could light off
fire works before dinner. You know, in celebration of Jesus’s
birth? It was his favorite thing to do on Christmas Eve and I know
he would be begging to do it right now, if he were here.”

I look over to my mother and see tears in her
eyes. She looks sad but something tells me she wants to do this
too. Charlie, on the other hand, looks like what I said might break
him. This is the thing Miles and him did together every year. Maybe
I am asking him for too much.

Sebastian reaches his hand out for mine, “I
think that’s a great idea. I didn’t know Miles but I think he would
love that.”

I’m comforted by Sebastian but my eyes never
leave Charlie. I don’t want to do this if it makes him
uncomfortable in any way. I’m about to give up on the idea and
suggest a different tradition when Charlie abruptly gets up and
pushes his chair back.

“I think we still have some fireworks in the
garage from last year’s celebration. I always seemed to buy too
many for that kid. I just couldn’t say no to him when he looked at
me with those big eyes. Kind of like you’re looking at me now,
Darling,” Charlie says to me.

“I’ll go check the garage and if they’re
still in there, I’ll gladly light those bad boys up. I want Miles
to be able to see them from Heaven.”

Charlie walks out of the room and out of the
house.

“I’ll go help him look,” Sebastian says and
follows Charlie out.

It’s now me and my mother in the kitchen, in
awkward silence. We never were good at communicating. It’s gotten
worse since Miles died.

“So, you and Charlie look happy.” I say to
break the ice.

She looks up from the pot she is stirring and
smiles brightly at me. She is positively glowing with happiness at
the sound of Charlie’s name.

“He is staying in town, for good. He missed
me just as much as I missed him. He says it’s going to be hard,
being here without Miles, but he is going to work on getting
through it. Miles’s death was hard on him but he says that knowing
you forgive him, helped him tons.”

I want to tell her how there was no need to
forgive Charlie. I never blamed Charlie in any of this. I didn’t
tell her, though. Somehow I know that my mother needs to hear those
words. She needs to know that I forgave Charlie and didn’t blame
him too! I’m guessing it would be hard for her to be with him
otherwise.

“ I do forgive him. Momma. I forgive you,
too. Honestly, the only person that is really to blame in all this
is the driver. We were all victims in that tragic accident. We may
not have physically died, but part of us died that day with Miles.
That is something I have been trying to grasp with Dr. Krane. She
is teaching me how to deal with all the changes in my life, how to
not blame myself for every shortcoming in life, and how to live.
I’m still here. You’re still here. Charlie is still here and we
need to start living again.”

As I say the words, I realize for the first
time how true they are. I get up and move over to my mother. I hug
her with all the strength that I have. “We need to start living
Momma and starting tonight, that’s what I’m going to do. I hope you
and Charlie start living, too!”

I hug her until we hear the front door open
and Charlie and Sebastian’s loud voices echoing off the small walls
of the kitchen.

“And the Lord said, ‘Let there be light’,”
Charlie says while holding a stack of fireworks in his arms.

My momma and I laugh while still holding onto
each other. I spot Sebastian behind Charlie, holding more
fireworks.

I look over to my mother and then to Charlie,
“Well… What are we waiting for? Let’s light those bad boys!”

*****

The firework show is spectacular. It may have
been amateur, and some of the fireworks were duds, but it still
served its purpose. We held true to our tradition and I couldn’t
help but smile the entire time. In my heart, I know Miles is seeing
this. I let out a silent prayer and tell Miles how much I love him
and miss him everyday.

When the fireworks are over, we all go inside
and have dinner. My mother still cooked as if twenty people were
going to be in her home instead of four. We serve our dishes and
continue the stories from outside. Charlie is telling Sebastian
about the time Miles caught his first fish. It was on a camping
trip Charlie took him on in Tennessee two years ago. My mother has
out her photo albums and is showing Sebastian every possible
picture she has of Miles and me.

We laugh and drink all night. The memories
bring comfort to us instead of heartache. It almost feels as if
Miles is with us tonight.

“Mia, do you remember when we were in line at
that convenient store in Atlanta? After we spent the day in the
city?”

I start laughing remembering how hard it was
to keep a straight face in front of that woman. “How could I
forget? That might have been the single, most embarrassing moment
Miles had ever put me in… and the most hilarious.

I turn to Sebastian to tell him the story.
“So we are on our way home from a fun day in Atlanta when Miles
tells me he has to use the washroom. Charlie pulls over at this
little convenient store off the highway. We all go in and pick up
something to drink while Miles uses the washroom. He comes out of
the stall and is waiting with me in line to pay, when a female
police officer walks in and steps in line behind us.

“I think nothing of this but Miles keeps
staring at this woman. As I’m paying for our drinks, Miles tugs on
my shirt and calls my name. I give the attendant cash and turn
around to see what Miles needs and he asks me, ‘Mommy, is that a
woman?’ Naturally, I looked little confused. She was obviously a
woman, so I look to Miles and say, ‘Yes, Miles, of course she is a
woman.’ I go to turn around when he pulls on my shirt and speaks
again.” I stop telling the story for a second because I’m laughing
so hard just thinking about what he said next.

Sebastian is staring at me like I’ve gone
crazy but now Charlie is laughing with me, too. My mother just
shakes her head at us. “So Miles… says,” I say in between laughing
fits, “ He says, ‘If she’s a woman, why does she have a mustache?’
My face turned bright red, I quickly apologized to the woman, and
we left the store as fast as we could. I couldn’t even reprimand
him because he said it so innocently and Charlie wouldn’t stop
laughing.”

We are all busting up now, laughing at my
little boys innocence.

Sebastian looks over at me adoringly. “He
seems like he was a great kid.”

“He was, the best little man in the world,”
Charlie says as he gets up from his seat. “It’s well after
midnight, maybe we should open some gifts.”

We all get up and follow Charlie into the
living room. There are a few scattered gifts under the tree
including the gifts I brought over for Momma, Charlie, and
Sebastian. Sebastian pulls me down on the sofa next to him and
wraps his arms around my body.

“Merry Christmas, Honey,” he whispers in my
ear.

I relax into his body and place my head on
his shoulder. “Merry Christmas, Baby.”

My Momma gets up and claps her hands together
with enthusiasm. “What about our tradition of saying why we are
grateful for the person we our giving the gift to. I think we
should keep that tradition alive. Miles loved that tradition.”

“I think that sounds great, Momma.

We go around the room exchanging gifts and
gratitude. Sebastian and I got my mother a top of the line Vitamix
professional Series blender. It’s perfect for when she makes her
jam. Sebastian also got her ticket vouchers to fly to Miami and
visit whenever she wants to. I didn’t have any immediate plans on
going back to Miami but Sebastian thinks its inevitable and the
tickets have no expiration date.

Sebastian also got Charlie ticket vouchers to
fly to Miami and visit. We both got him a new chair for the living
room. It is soft, leather, reclines completely back and had a built
in fridge in the armrest. This is perfect for when Charlie wants to
watch his games.

My Momma and Charlie give Sebastian and I our
gifts but before we can open them, Charlie stands up and announces
that he had some big news.

“Earlier today, I did something crazy.
Something I should have done years ago. Mia, I asked your
wonderful, caring, generous, and thoughtful mother to marry me… and
she said yes.”

I gasp in shock at the news and my mother
looks stunned. “I thought we said we would wait to tell her until
after the holidays?”

“I’m sorry, Melanie, but I couldn’t wait any
longer.”

“It’s only been a few hours?” My mother says
still in shock.

Charlie walks over and gives her a long kiss
on the lips. “It was a few hours too many. I couldn’t wait any
longer to tell them the great news.”