The Road To Forgiveness (5 page)

“Sure, that sounds good. Do you mind if I
rest for a little bit?”

“Go for it.”

Sebastian pulls the comforter and sheets down
and waits for me to come in the bed. Once I’m lying down, Sebastian
lowers the blankets over me. He sits next to me on the bed and
slowly starts to caress my hair. I secretly soak up every touch his
hand leaves on me. His hands make me feel alive. Like I know his
body was meant for mine.

A smile starts to spread across my face just
as my eyes become heavier than they already are. I’m fighting to
stay awake. To enjoy Sebastian’s touch, for a little while longer.
In the end sleep wins out. I drift off to sleep in Sebastian’s bed
while his hands caress me softly.

“
Rise and shine,” I say brightly as I
place a kiss on his forehead.

Miles was slowly starting to stir from his
deep sleep. His rocket ship bedding was pushed to the foot of the
bed, where his head currently was. He had one leg hanging over the
side of his twin bed and the other leg bent to his stomach.

“
I thought Charlie was getting me off to
school,” Miles says groggily.

“
No buddy, I’m going to be taking you to
school. I didn’t go to my meeting. I want to spend time with
you.”

Miles smiles at me and gets up out of bed.
We go into the kitchen and eat breakfast. Miles is in a great mood
as he finishes his breakfast and gets ready for school.

Suddenly we’re in the car, cruising down the
main road in town. I have Led Zeppelin cranking from the radio
while Miles sings along.

“
Mommy, where do we go when we die?” Miles
asks me.

“
We go to heaven, baby, but you don’t have
to worry about that.”

I smile at him and squeeze his knee.

“
But I’m going to die, Mom.”

I look at him curiously wondering why he is
saying this. Yet somewhere deep inside I know he is supposed to be
dead.

“
Don’t say that, baby. You’re not going to
die. You’re going to live a long and happy life.”

“
I am going to die, mom. I’m dead
already.”

Suddenly I hear a car horn. My head snaps up
to the road, just as a man in a truck sideswipes my car. My car
flips over and I hear a faint screaming in the background. I look
over to Miles and he is lying limp in his seat, covered in his
blood.

“
Miles? Miles, baby.” I unbuckle my seat
belt and lean over him. I start to shake his body with no reaction.
His body is cold and lifeless.

I start trembling and crying, “No baby, no.
You’re okay. I drove you to school today so you’re supposed to be
okay. Wake up buddy. Please, wake up.”

My body shoots up out of bed. I’m covered in
sweat, my head hurts and my whole body is shaking.

I had a nightmare.

I look over to see Sebastian hovering over me
in bed. He looks concerned as he is lightly caressing my arm. I
don’t want him to say anything. I don’t want to relive my dream.
Before I can think it through, I sit up and turn to Sebastian. I
push him down so he is lying on his back, on the bed, and I move
over him so I’m straddling his hips.

I lean down and kiss him hard on the lips. I
need this escape. I need the distraction from reality. Sebastian is
the only thing that will give me the distraction I need.

He kisses me back tentatively, so I kiss him
harder. I shove my tongue in his mouth and pull it out slowly as I
gently bite his lip.

This gets him going. He starts kissing me
back more urgently as I grind my hips into his. I feel his cock
stirring to life underneath me and it feels so good.

I release my lips from his as I sit up and
pull my sweater over my head. I’m still in the same clothes from
the day before. His hands squeeze my hips and then slowly make
their way up my back. Once he reached my bra, he unclasps the
fastening and pulls it off of me.

I continue to dry hump him as his hands move
to grab my breasts. When he covers my breasts with his hands and
squeezes gently, my head goes back and I let out a moan. I lift my
head back up and look him in his beautiful blue eyes. God I’ve
missed those eyes.

His need for me increases as he lifts me by
my ass and flips us over. I’m on my back on the bed and he is in
instantly between my legs. Our lips reconnect as my hands move
under the backside of his shirt. I can feel his tight muscles as he
moves over me. I get his shirt off in record time as his lips move
to my neck. I feel high. Like I’m on top of the world right now and
nothing can make me fall.

His lips move to my collarbone as he place
gentle open mouth kisses from one shoulder to the other. Then his
mouth lowers to my breasts as his tongue gently licks my nipples.
He has me so turned on and my nipples are harder then they’ve ever
been.

His right hand lowers to the top of my jeans
as he unbuttons them and slide the zipper down. I lift my hips so
that he can remove my jeans easily. He tosses them to the floor as
he kneels between my legs. His eyes drift up and down my body. The
only thing covering me is the red lace thong I have on. His eyelids
are heavy with lust as his tongue darts out to lick his bottom
lips. It’s completely erotic and makes my panties wetter then they
already are.

His palms grab each one of my ankles and then
slowly drift up my body, past my calves, over my knees, and up the
inside of my thighs. When he reaches as far as he can go, he brings
his fingers to the edge of my panties. His fingers lightly trace
the edge of my panties before he slips his fingers underneath them
and his thumb finds my clit. He slowly begins to rub me as my head
goes back against the mattress.

His body moves over mine as his other hand
moves to my chin. I’m having a hard time breathing as the ache
starts to build in my core. His lips brush against mine as his hand
moves to the back of my neck, keeping our mouths together.

It feels so good. I can feel the inevitable
orgasm getting closer and closer but I want more. I want him inside
me. I want to feel him thrusting is hard cock in me, never letting
me go. I want to feel him inside me as I clench around him in
release.

I move my mouth from his and whisper in his
ear, “I need you now. I want you inside me. Please…”

His thumb moves faster on me as two of his
fingers push into my pussy.

“Sebastian,” I moan. I can no longer control
my body’s reaction. I start riding his fingers, searching for my
release. I’m about to explode at any second.

All of a sudden I become light headed and not
because I’m about to come. My nausea is back with a vengeance. I
need to get up and run to the bathroom. The toilet is becoming my
porcelain best friend. I push him off me and hop out of bed,
running towards the bathroom.

I don’t have time to close the door me before
I’m lifting up the seat and dry heaving in his toilet. Sebastian
comes up behind me and pulls my hair back as I continue to vomit. I
haven’t eaten since yesterday’s lunch, so there isn’t much more my
stomach can take.

When I finally feel like my head can leave
it’s new place of residence, I move to stand up. Sebastian is right
behind me guiding me to the sink. I wash my mouth out with water as
Sebastian hands me his toothbrush.

“Here, you’ll feel better once your mouth is
clean.”

I don’t hesitate in taking it as I give
Sebastian an apologetic look. I brush my teeth and grab a towel to
cover my semi-naked body. When I walk out of the bathroom,
Sebastian is sitting on the bed looking over the room service
menu.

I walk over and sit next to him on the
bed.

“I’m sorry for ruining the mood,” I say with
my eyes looking down at my feet.

Sebastian puts the menu on the bed and turns
to face me. I look up into his eyes and am lost in them. He has a
way of making me forget everything.

“Don’t be sorry, you’re still not feeling
well. I’m just sorry I didn’t get a chance to make you come.”

I feel my face start to overheat and I know
I’m blushing. “Another time, I guess.”

“You can count on that,” he says with his
signature smirk. “Are you hungry? You should eat something to
settle your stomach.”

He hands the menu over to me and I look over
my choices. Nothing sounds appetizing so I close the menu and hand
it back to him.

“Can you see if they have some crackers and
ginger-ale? I think that might help settle my stomach.” I pray he
doesn’t read too much into that request. Lucky for me, he doesn’t
question it as he grabs the phone on the nightstand and calls down
to room service.

Twenty minutes later I am sitting on the bed,
my back against a stack of pillows, eating saltines and sipping on
my soda. Sebastian is eating a breakfast of a ham and cheese egg
white omelet, fresh fruit, and orange juice. We briefly fight for
control of the remote but I win the battle. Sebastian says its
because he can’t say no to me.

So we are sitting here, eating our food and
enjoying the comfortable silence, when Sebastian’s asks me a
question I don’t want to answer.

“You look a little better. Can we talk about
whatever was in your nightmare?”

No we can’t because you’ll think I’m crazy
and I just can’t handle that kind of reaction right now. My
hormones can’t take it.

“I don’t remember. I’m not even sure it was a
nightmare,” I say, as my eyes never leave the television. I can
feel his eyes on me but I’m determined not to look at him.

“Bullshit. You know what you were dreaming
about and it completely terrified you. You were screaming your
son’s name. You woke up shaking and sweating. If you don’t want to
talk about it, then fine, but don’t lie to me. I never lie to you
so I expect the same courtesy.”

His fifteen-second rant makes me feel like a
little girl who just got caught with her hand in the cookie
jar.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m just not in the
mood to talk about it yet. Besides, you helped me get past it… I
was really enjoying the distraction.

His voice becomes gentler. “That’s just it.
It was a distraction. You may not want to talk to me but you need
to talk to someone. They can help you get through this honey.”

“Maybe I don’t want to get through this.
Maybe I need the constant reminders, every day, so that I know I
failed. So that I remember to never allow anything like this to
happen again. You don’t know. You weren’t there. You’ve never had a
child who died; so don’t tell me what I have to do. I’m doing just
fine.”

“You’re right,” he replies as he stands from
the bed, putting his breakfast on the room service cart. “I’ve
never had a child so I don’t know what its like, but I do know one
thing. You’re not living. You’re perfectly content with being a
hermit who relives all the horrible thing in her life over and over
again. That’s not healthy and I can’t watch you do it.”

Can’t watch me do it? Has he completely gone
crazy because I never asked him to watch me do it. My anger starts
to build from deep within my body. By the time I speak, I am
completely unreasonable.

“Can’t watch me do it? I never asked you to
watch me do it! If I remember correctly, I left you. I didn’t call
or text or leave a damn note. I left you and never planned on
seeing you again so don’t tell me you can’t watch me do it. I don’t
want you to watch me do it. I want you to leave town and never come
back.”

His face-hardens as he takes a few steps
towards me until our bodies are just inches apart. “You sure didn’t
seem like you never wanted to see me again when an hour ago, you
were letting me finger fuck you and panting my name. When you
grabbed hold of my shirt and couldn’t get it off fast enough. When
you jumped me and started grinding your pussy against my dick. If
that’s you wanting to never see me again, then I’m dying to see
what you’ll do when you actually want me.”

He was right. I was giving him mixed signals.
Actually the signals were spot on; it was the information that came
out of my mouth that was confusing. My body wants him, my mind
wants him and my heart wants him. The problem is that I won’t allow
myself to have him.

Neither of us moves nor speaks. My heart is
racing and I can feel adrenaline rushing through my veins from
being so worked up. My breathing is getting more erratic instead of
steady and I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my
chest. I start to feel tingles, and not the good kind, running down
my arms.

“You don’t look so good. Maybe you should sit
down.” I hear the words but I can’t comprehend them. Sebastian is
moving towards me as my vision starts to blur. I’m seeing two of
him now.

I must be in heaven. That’s the only way God
would allow two of this perfect man to exist.

He was moving me towards the bed as the room
starts to spin and my body falls face first into the pillow.

*****

All I can see is white. A bright light is
shining down in to each of my eyes as a strange old man hovers over
me with a small light. I can hear Sebastian’s voice off in the
distance along with my mother’s and Jonathon’s. I’m dizzy,
confused, and wondering where the hell I am.

The old man moves the light out of my eyes as
he brings a stethoscope to my chest.

A doctor. He must be a doctor. Why was I with
a doctor?

My head is pounding and my hands
instinctively move to touch my forehead. That’s when I noticed the
small tubes coming out of my arm and the hospital wristband around
my wrist. My mouth is dry and I need something to drink. I also
need to know why I am in the hospital.

“I’m thirsty,” I croak to the doctor in front
of me.

“I’ll have the nurse bring you some water to
drink. How are you feeling?”

How was I feeling? Confused, scared,
wondering what the hell happened.