The Road to Redemption (19 page)

Dr Rush knew this was going to be a big one for John, so she said,

“Well I would like you to just think about it over the next few days. Will you do that for me John?”

He walked down the corridor. Every time he left her office he seemed to have things to think about. But yes, this was a big one for him and he really couldn’t bring himself to believe, he was anything like his archenemy, George.

Over the following weeks he kept on having sessions with Janet, but continued to deny he was anything like George. She kept on sending him away with more things to consider, after each session. His hatred for George had opened up a whole Pandora’s box of other questions and sub questions. After one session, she asked him to consider why Audry had married him? He had never thought about this before, he was John and why wouldn’t she have wanted to marry him. However, he had to give it greater consideration when Janet put it in terms of,

“Why would a rich girl want to marry a poor gardener like you, from a working class suburb?” Certainly Audry had never had much time for his parents and never wanted to visit them.

Other questions came up such as,

How did he feel about his parents not wanting to improve their lot in life?

Did he feel guilty about his affair with Alice? If not why not?

Why had he sought to live more like Audry’s parents, than his own?

So it went on over a number of weeks. It seemed like his whole life was being taken apart and put back together again. However, being in the Hospital he was able to look at it all from a distance, like a helicopter view. One thing that was starting to realize, was that in the past he had been a bit of an upstart, with a big ego and had made life difficult for many around him.

Living at the hospital, he was developing a daily pattern. In the mornings he was now going back to group discussions, then in the afternoons reading his book on the veranda, waiting for Sandra to come and sit next to him.

As they talked each day, Sandra started opening up more and more to him. She had a very pretty face and in the old days, he would have been making sexual innuendoes to her. But something had changed. He was talking to her more like a mentor, or a father. He was not seeing her as a sex object, as he once would have.

Her story was really quite sad. Her father was the Managing Director of a large corporation and was never home. John had to think although he only ran a real estate agency; he was hardly ever home either. Perhaps that's why his kids were becoming distant from him.

Sandra suspected her father had a mistress, as he was always going to Brisbane. They must all be doing things in Brisbane, thought John.

Her mother was a homebody who obeyed all his commands. She had become an alcoholic. Suddenly, a bell rang in John’s mind. Wasn’t he also very demanding with Audry around the house? Didn’t he just order her around also? Just like George ordered his wife around. Shit, perhaps that was one way he was like George. Perhaps that’s one reason why Audry had married him? Wow and wasn’t he like Sandra’s father in that he was never home to relate to his kids? On weekends Estate Agents do most of their auctions and open houses for inspection. No wonder Audry had, had a much bigger influence over them than him. It was certainly worth thinking about some more, but for now he needed to listen to Sandra

Sandra had run away from home a few times, but always the police had brought her back, except the last time. She had ended up at Kings Cross and was in with a crowd that were taking drugs. They had been breaking into houses, to get drug money.

At the time John didn’t realize it but it wasn’t just him helping her, they were both helping each other, her by just having someone to actually listen to her for once and him to see how parent’s actions affect their children.

Finally, after they had been talking for a number of days, he thought the time had come to ask her

“The bandages,” he said pointing to them. Sandra tried to cover them again but managed to get out,

“There were three of them.“

“Three of them?” John repeated.

“They raped me.”

He reached over and put his hand on her arm. The tears were rolling down her cheeks. She got up and went inside. That was enough for her for one day, but at least she had got it off her chest.

As time went on John was starting to concede, that there were at least a few ways in which he was similar to George, but was reluctant to admit that Audry had married him because, in fact, in many ways he was very similar to George.

At their latest session Dr Rush had said to him,

“I’m very pleased with how you are progressing John. I have seen a big change in you. You seen to be getting some insight into your problems.”

John had looked at her.

“You are actually participating in the groups now, rather than being destructive.”

And indeed he had. John was a natural leader and he got the discussions going each morning, but in a positive, rather than a negative manner. The participants were now sharing their life experiences with each other and giving each other support.

“Also, I believe you have been helping young Sandra. She told me she wished you were her father,” said Janet

“All I have been doing is listening to her,” said John

“That’s all she needs from you but don’t try to advise her. That’s my job.”

John nodded.

He found that as time went by, the load seemed to be lifting from his shoulders. He was able to concentrate more on the book he was reading. Steve McQueen was an interesting character, but he seemed to have had a lot of unresolved problems in his life. Like John he had never been content with what he had. He liked the part where Steve had bought a home up the hill from James Garner, who he regarded as his archenemy. He used to get pleasure out of standing on his balcony and pissing towards Garner’s house below him. However wasn’t Garner pretty much like McQueen. Had he had not started out as “Maverick” in a cowboy series on TV and had tried to work his way up into main line movies, just like Steve. This got him thinking,  McQueen and Garner hated each other, but in reality they were pretty much alike. Perhaps, he really was more like George, than he had ever been prepared to admit in the past?

But Steve was more like the old John, not the new John that was emerging. The new John was relaxed and actually listened to what people were saying these days.

His sessions with Janet were now becoming warm and friendly. It seemed to John that she liked him. Certainly he was becoming more and more attracted to her. However when he had made a mild pass at her, in one of their sessions, she had quickly jumped all over it. She explained to him, that it is not unusual to have strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think. The reason that many people think they are in love with their therapist, is because they are repeating emotional patterns, they experienced toward their parents as children.

“I’m becoming a SNAG,” thought John. However, he had to admit he had never been so relaxed in his life. He wasn’t worried about how perfect his appearance was any more. In fact some days, he didn’t even bother to shave, which would have been unheard of in the old days.

One day he hadn’t shaved and was sitting on the front veranda, when he saw a horrible sight, coming up the path. It was Audry and she had George in tow.

“He’s looking better today don’t you think Dad?” she had said right in front of him, as if he wasn’t even there.

She is treating me like I am mental, a mentally ill patient, he thought.

Each time she had come, Audry had had very little to say to him, preferring to go and talk with Dr Smith, about his “condition”.

“ I don’t know why she is talking to Dr Smith, when Janet is my therapist.” He had said to himself. But that was Audry; she always had to talk to the top person.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been in the hospital, but it was probably over two months, when Nurse Scott came up to him on the veranda and said Dr Rush wanted to see him. This was unusual, as their next session was not due until the following day.

“Hi John, take a seat,” she paused, “how would you feel about going home soon?”

“Well I guess I can’t stay here forever?” replied John, although he hadn’t really given much thought to going home.

“Your wife is keen for you to go home, but I am not sure, do you think you are really ready for it?”

“I guess so,” said John.

“Well have a think about it. If you do decide to go home I would like you to become an out patient and still come and see me once a week.”

John had a good think and yes, it was probably time to face the real world again.

Chapter  20  Going Home

John was sitting on the front veranda having a cup of coffee and enjoying his usual talk with Sandra, when a BMW pulled up right outside the front steps. Wait a minute, he looked at the number plate, that was his BMW and it was all shiny and new. No sign at all of the damage he had done to it.

Out stepped Audry, she looked all business today. No greetings or how are you John.

“Get your things John I’m taking you home. I just need to have a word to Dr Smith.”

John and Sandra looked at each other, as John shrugged and rolled his eyes back. They both seemed to be thinking, “Oh dear what’s this?”

After a couple of minutes, John got up and walked inside. As he was going past Dr Smith’s office he caught a snippet of the conversation with Audry.

“Dr Rush has agreed to let him go home, but he needs rest and a stress free environment.”

He found his suitcase had already been packed for him and his bed had been stripped. It hit him that he really was going home and a sense of sadness came over him. For the first time in his life, he had actually been relaxed here and he was now free from a lot of the things, that had sent him over the edge. He picked up his suitcase and walked down the corridor, past room C and knocked on Dr Rush’s door. There was a woman at her desk with dark hair. She had her head down and was writing something. She looked up. God that's not Dr Rush, its Alice. No, it can’t be, what could she possibly be doing here? Then he realized it wasn’t Alice, but it certainly looked like her, her hair looked exactly the same as Alice wore hers.

“I’m sorry, I must have the wrong office.” The woman got up and started to walk around the desk.

“John,” she said. He stopped in his tracks. It was a very familiar voice. My god, its Dr Rush, Janet!

She could see that he had got a shock.

“You said when you first met me I should wear contact lenses,” she said, teasing him.

In fact it was not because of anything John had said. She had attended a conference recently and met someone. She was dating again.

As she walked around her desk, she picked up a piece of paper.

“This is the name of a sex therapist, she’s very good. Mind you I think your wife probably needs it more than you.”

She handed John the piece of paper and he stuffed it in his back pocket.

“What about Sandra he asked? You can’t send her home.”

Don’t worry John; she has been through a terrible experience. It’s going to take her a long while to get over it. I am arranging for her to go to a halfway house. It’s run by a friend of mine and I will be visiting her at least twice a week.”

“That's good,“ said John with a sigh of relief.

It’s most important that you take it easy and look after yourself John, stay out of stressful situations and be careful of having flash backs.”