The Running Series Complete Collection: 3-Book Set plus Bonus Novella (152 page)

The moment I enter the house, my pain becomes real.  There’s a crushing pain in my chest, making it hard to breathe.  Evan is my world, my sun, and my stars.  Without him, I have nothing.  I am nothing.  Perhaps I’ve been the cause of my own undoing.  To put all my happiness into the hands of one person was foolhardy.  But it’s too late now. I can’t turn back time and love him any less.  My choices are few;  find a way to live without him or work tirelessly to win him back.

I look up at the clock and discover it’s a few minutes past midnight.  I haven’t missed the dropping of the ball since I was a child.  And now it’s come and gone without notice or fanfare.

The tears still haven’t come.  I wonder if they’ll ever show themselves again.  I can no longer feel anything.  I’m afraid to invite those feelings to the surface, to acknowledge them and give them life.  Instead I push them far back into the dark recesses of my mind where nightmares live, and I focus on the here and now.  On what can be done and what needs to be done.

Wandering around the house, I am overwhelmed by the prospect of having to leave.  I don’t know how or where to start.  The kitchen is filled with my things:  pots, cookie sheets, muffin pans, pie plates, and cake pans.  Our cabinets are full of my cake decorating tools and appliances.  Evan bought and paid for all of it, every last piece, from the largest appliance to the smallest spoon, and I have no right to claim any of it.

Whatever knickknacks I’ve brought into our home will stay too.  They don’t belong with me and I don’t want any of them.  Each one was chosen specifically for this house, and here is where they will stay.  I don’t need the reminders of the mistakes I’ve made or the home I’ve lost.

As I walk around aimlessly, I glance out the window and see that Emmy, Adam, and Evan are all getting into their cars and leaving.  Checking the clock once again, I figure that only ten or fifteen minutes have passed.  What could have been accomplished in that short time?

Derek turns off the porch light along with most of the other lights in his house.  Now that I’ve been in his home, I can tell the only light left on is in his kitchen.  I imagine he and Shea have a lot to discuss.

With bloodshot eyes and a runny nose, I collect my things from the bathroom.  Wherever I decide to go, these are the things I know I will need.

I’m holding myself together, but just by a thread.  I try to think about simple solutions to complex problems, but keeping my mind clear and focused is nearly impossible.

I need to honor Evan’s wishes without completely erasing myself from his existence.  We have an empty guest bedroom, completely furnished and brimming with storage space.  Little by little, I collect my things from our bedroom and move them into the guest room.  It takes me all night, mostly because everything is moving in slow motion, including me.

Tonight was supposed to be a celebration of beginnings, not the painful realization of endings.  We were supposed to reflect on all the changes the passing year has brought and welcome in the New Year with all its hopes and promises for peace and prosperity.

In less than twelve months, my life has changed in so many unimaginable ways that it’s difficult to name them all. 

I’ve made new friendships that are just as important to me as family.  I’ve made career moves I never dreamed possible.  If one year ago today someone had tried to tell me I’d be swept into the world of fame and introduced to all the people and experiences that come along with it, I would have laughed and told them they were insane.

The past year brought Evan into my life, along with more love and happiness than I ever imagined possible.  He’s introduced me to the world of professional sports, where teamwork and dedication are more than just words.  He’s given me gifts, both large and small, that have altered my life forever.

He’s given me a truer love than I’ve ever experienced. Real love is what makes all the bad things in life seem that much more bearable. Love is intoxicating, irrational, overwhelming, and illogical. Love blinds you and makes you see the whole world in a new, clear, beautiful way at the same time. It sets your senses on fire and makes you do things you never would’ve done were it not for love.

But fire can burn.  It can burn so hot and so bright that it blocks out everything else, leaving just pain and regret. 

I wanted to remove anything that would cause pain to Evan, wanting to create for him a world of joy.  Because I love him.  Because loving someone makes you put their needs ahead of your own.  Because the truth is, when the person you love is in pain, your pain is doubled.  And when they are happy, your happiness is tripled. 

I was both selfless and selfish at the same time.  But I now realize that with love and commitment comes partnership.  Struggles are easier to bear when you share them rather than trying to carry them alone.  I just hope it’s not a lesson learned too late.

R
ealizing this could be my last sunrise in the beach house for a long time, I put a leash on Maddy and take her out for a long run along the surf.  I find lots of chances to stop and play, tossing Maddy the occasional piece of driftwood or allowing her to roam freely, sniffing out her own playthings. 

Once the sun breaks free of the horizon, I clip the leash back on and head for home – while I can still call it my home. Maddy can stay here with Evan, at least for now, while I try to figure out my next move.  She’s grown used to this place and she’s made it her home.  It would seem cruel to rip her from it when I know she’ll be loved and well cared for.

After placing the last suitcase in the car, I take a final sweep around the house just to make sure I haven’t left anything lying around.  As I glance around our bedroom, I discover his hamper full of dirty clothes.  I take a few experimental steps closer and I’m rewarded with the unmistakable smell of Evan McGuire.  I grab a jersey and hold it up to my nose, inhaling greedily.  The scent of testosterone and sandalwood soap fill my nostrils. 

It’s just a practice jersey and he must have a dozen of them.  He’ll never miss one, so I stuff it in my bag.  I need this one thing, this one small piece of him.  This might be the last piece of him I get to keep, just to remind myself that he was real.  That what we had was real.

With no excuses left to make, it’s time to leave.  I wait for the tears to come.  I pause as I shut the door and set the alarm, but they do not appear.  I hesitate before pulling out of the driveway, taking a final look at the home I’ve been asked to leave, but they do not show themselves.  Perhaps Evan has taken more from me than I realized.

Before going to work, I stop to purchase a new phone.  I’m able to act like a fully functioning human, despite my emotionless haze.  I make up a lame excuse about having lost my phone, and no one blinks an eye.  I suppose they must hear this a lot.  A helpful associate at the store helps me choose a new phone and download all my settings, which I have consistently backed up into the cloud. 

As I sit in my car syncing my new phone to the car’s Bluetooth, I can’t help but wonder if Evan has been so vigilant with his phone.  No matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing, Evan is in my every thought every minute of the day.

I arrive at work to find Derek alone behind the bar, cleaning and prepping for the day.  I look down at my watch to see if I’m late.  Derek is never here this early.  When he sees me, he stops what he’s doing and pats the bar in front of him. “Mornin’, boss.  Let’s talk.”

As I get closer, I notice dark circles under his eyes.  He looks more than tired – he seems exhausted.  I know I owe him an apology, and despite my weariness I summon up enough strength to offer one.  “Listen, before you say anything, I just want to apologize for everything that happened last night,” I tell him.  “You have no idea how much I wish none of it happened.”

“Well, if you could turn back time and fix this clusterfuck, there are a lot of hurt and angry people right now who would be very grateful.”  Derek reaches under the bar and retrieves a piece of paper.  “Here. Shea asked me to give this to you.”

I glance over a letter written on Daisy Shea letterhead, looking very official and proper.  I can’t make sense of it.  The words hold no meaning.  “I don’t understand, Derek. What am I looking at?”

“It’s her formal withdrawal as your wedding coordinator.  She wrote it right after Evan fired her and cancelled the wedding.” 

I take a deep breath and consider the bomb Derek has just dropped.  My wedding is off and I have to find out about it from Derek.  For some unexplainable reason, I get the giggles.  The song “Isn’t it Ironic” immediately comes to mind, and I start to laugh, deep belly laughs.  The more I think about it, the more ironic it feels.  I have sworn to Evan time and time again that Derek is not a threat to our relationship and that he can never come between us.  Now that Evan has actually put an end to us, it’s Derek who delivers the final blow.  Isn’t it ironic?

Derek watches me until I finally stop laughing.  He must think I’m losing my mind.  I’ve been void of all emotion, and when one finally arises, it’s humor.  Perhaps I
am
losing my mind.

“I’m glad to see you’re taking it so well.”

I pull myself together enough to continue our conversation.  “Not even close,” I tell him without further explanation. 

With much effort and determination, I get my emotions in check.  Derek called last night’s meeting a clusterfuck, and I want to know why.  “What happened after I left last night?” I ask him.  “I thought everyone was going to sit down calmly and discuss things like adults.  It sounds like things took a turn.”

“Oh, you could say that, all right,” he agrees.  Derek grabs two glasses and fills them with ice water and lemon wedges, passing one over to me and taking a big drink from his.  “Shea is freaking out right now.  Mac and Adam were throwing around demands and ultimatums right out of the gates.”

“What kind of demands?” I ask.

“Blood tests.  Genetic testing.  Court orders.  He’s just a baby, Jette.  It’s not his fault.  Shea and her parents are the only family he’s got left, and these two guys show up out of nowhere, threatening to destroy Shea’s family.  She already lost a sister – she can’t handle losing that kid now.”

I think about what Derek is saying and I feel a part of me returning;  the logical, rational side of me that can analyze things from several points of view and perspectives.  It’s much easier to think about my situation when I try to do it through someone else’s eyes.

“Derek, I understand how Shea must be feeling right now, but being fatherless is not something Kai asked for, and if drawing a little blood will make his family bigger, isn’t that a good thing?  Both Evan and Adam have the capacity to become great fathers.”

Derek shakes his head and walks away from me.  “Derek, I’m sorry if I upset you.  I didn’t mean to.  Please don’t be mad at me.”

He turns around and there’s sadness in his eyes now.  “You don’t think I’d be a good father,” he states bluntly.  “Don’t you think Shea and I would make good parents too, Jette?  I wanted to take care of him.  I love that kid with all my heart.  Shea and I just want to protect our family.”

“Derek, that’s not what I meant at all.  Of course, you’d make a wonderful father.  I’ve told you that before.  Kai would be lucky to have you.  Who knows what will happen?  Maybe neither of them is the father.  Then everything can go back to the way it was.”

He shakes his head.  “Shea knows how the test will turn out, Jette.  She’s always had her suspicions.  Somewhere deep down inside, she’s always known.  If they do that DNA test, it’s going to change all our lives.”

“I don’t see how things could possibly get any worse than they are right now,” I tell him in a moment of complete clarity.

“Well then, you’d better hold on to your panties, because I’ve got another one for you,” Derek tells me.  He reaches under the bar again and pulls out another paper, handing it to me.

“What is this, Derek?  Just tell me, please.”

“It’s my resignation,” he tells me.  “You know I don’t need the money, Jette.  And I cannot continue to work for Evan so long as this is hanging over our heads.  How can I look Shea in the face every day while working for the man who’s threatening to destroy her family?”

“Derek, no,” I tell him, my emotions raw and unpredictable.  “Not you too.  Please don’t leave me,” I beg him, struggling to control my breathing.  “You don’t work for Evan, you work for me.  I sign your checks.  You can’t leave me too.  I won’t make it.” I look up at him and plead, “Please don’t go.  I have no one.  I have nothing left.”

“Jette, don’t do this,” he tells me, trying to remain resolute.  “You know I can’t turn my back on you.  I’m right next door, only fifty feet away.  Morning, noon, or night, I’ll be there for you.”

He’s not fifty feet away from me, he’s fifty feet away from Evan.  “I don’t live there anymore,” I tell him between ragged breaths, “remember?”

He comes around the bar and takes a seat beside me.  He places his hands on the seat of my chair and swivels it around so we’re face to face.  He moves the hair that’s hanging in front of my face gingerly behind my ear and waits for me to calm myself.  “I’ll stay, for now.”