The Sanctuary (43 page)

I nodded. “Can I ask you what it is I’m burning?”

He cast his eyes down. “I had divorce papers drawn up after I saw you last, but I haven’t been able to sign them. And I don’t want to sign them. I want us to work things out.”

“I want to work things out too. I will put them in the fireplace, I promise. I’m sorry I said what I did. The medication made me insane.”

His hands smoothed over my arm. “You seem better now than last month. Are you still on the meds?”

“Unfortunately, yes. But they cut it in half after I had an episode in the hospital. I ripped the IV out and demanded to leave.” I laughed. Val and I sounded so much alike.

“I should have been more understanding.” He fingered the drip extending into his veins. “They put me back on my meds too. I can’t stand the stuff. It makes me overly mellow, as if I have no emotions.”

“Tranquilizers will do that to anyone.” I placed my hands in his, interlocking our fingers.

“It’s not the sedatives. It’s the medication for what they believe is manic-depression, but I’m not manic, and I’m certainly not depressed. They always dope me up on this stuff whenever I’m hospitalized.” He looked at me, still tightly snuggled in his arms.

“You never told me you were diagnosed with that.”

He sighed. “I never told you because I don’t believe it. Besides, have you ever seen me in such a state?”

I shook my head. “You’ve always been the more rational one. Maybe I’m the one who needs them.” My mind wandered to the medicine chest at home. It was full of drugs, but I never thought to question him about them.

“Nah, you’re perfect the way you are. You’re my drug of choice. You keep me sane in an insane world.” He ruffled my hair and kissed me. He stretched. “Jesus, it’s hot in here.”

I glanced up. He was drenched in sweat. “Let me get a washcloth.” I made my way as quickly as I could, returning with a cool cloth in hand, and wiped his face. “Are you okay?” He looked as though he’d taken a turn for the worse.

“Do you have any of those pills you took when you had morning sickness?” He swallowed hard, as if to fight the feelings washing over him.

I eyed him. I had a hunch I knew where this was going. “I don’t have them with me. But I’ll find a nurse if you’re feeling sick.”

The door crept open, and the doctor walked in. “Good morning, Mr. Ruska. How are you feeling today?”

Val snapped, “How do you think I am? I would like to sign out of here as soon as possible.”

The doctor eyed his chart. “Do you think that is a good idea, considering you almost died two days ago?”

“I know this game all too well. I am not going. I have a wife and a child to take care of.”

I interrupted. “Val, don’t you think it’s better if you get clean before I give birth?”

“And how will you take care of them if you return to using?” The doctor eyed him.

“I’ll be fine. She’s with me now. I have no reason to use.”

“Val, I can’t take care of you as you withdraw. I have no idea how to. You can’t put me or the baby under this stress. I’ll wind up giving birth. If you don’t want to go for me, please go for her.”

His eyes narrowed. “I only started using after I returned from New York. If you would have stayed away from Jude, none of this would have happened.”

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and leaned against the wall. I would not argue with him. I knew the mood swings were from the withdrawal. “Please, Val, she’s not going to have a father if you continue down this path.”

“I don’t want to leave you again for another month or two. Don’t you get that?” His tone was sharp and to the point.

“I’ll leave you two alone to discuss this,” the doctor said as he stepped out of the room.

I sat down on the bed next to him. “If you don’t get help, then you may not see me for a while. I can’t cope right now with you detoxing. I’m not in any physical state to do so. We’ll get the best help out there, but you have to understand I don’t know how to take care of you properly.”

He sighed and ground his teeth again. The sweat poured down him. “I hate group. They make you talk to a bunch of strangers, half of whom don’t want to be there.”

“And would you be included in that group?” I grabbed the washcloth and washed his face again before staring into his hazy eyes. “Please, Val, she needs you to do this.”

He slowly nodded. “Fine, but only if you transport me there. I need a cigarette.”

Sixty thousand dollars and thirty days later, Val and I had our first couple’s session together. We obtained the most exclusive treatment money could buy—no expense could be spared to make him well. We kept in touch daily, and even though we were apart again, this time it was different. We connected on a different level, a more intimate one that surpassed sexuality and transcended into spirituality. We spoke about things that never came up in conversations prior: life, death, heaven, hell, our hopes, our dreams, and our future together. It was a bonding experience, which our relationship needed, a pickup after the fall.

The receptionist ushered me down an immaculately decorated corridor, which resembled a luxurious five-star day spa. She knocked on the door and announced my presence before extending the door open for me to enter. I peeked inside and saw Val. He was radiant and beaming.

“Hello, darling.” He stood up and rushed to me, embracing me in his arms and kissing me sweetly on the lips. “I’ve missed you.”

“And I missed you too.” I buried my head on his chest. It was good to have him back.

“Hello, Eve. I’m Doctor Verke. I’ve been working with Val. Please have a seat.” He extended his hand for me to shake.

“Excuse me, Doc.” Val turned to me and held my hand. “How are you, darling?”

“Beat up inside. I don’t think she’s going to wait much longer.” I shrugged my shoulders. The pressure on my joints made my legs want to give out half of the time.

“Is she moving?” His eyes glimmered with delight.

“No, not yet today, but I’ll let you know when she does.” I knew once she heard him she would stir. She always did.

He eyed me up and down. “Are you up to taking a walk later? I’d like to have some alone time.”

I knew that look, and it was dangerous. I glanced down at our baby before looking up and winking. “Of course I’m up to it.”

“You two seem to be getting along much better.” Doctor Verke smiled. “But there are still some issues I’d like to discuss. Let’s start with when you first met. Tell me about it.”

For the next hour, we discussed how we met, what drew us to the other person, why we’d moved in together so fast. We chatted about our likes and dislikes. The doctor explained to us why we behaved in certain ways toward each other. It was very enlightening and refreshing to hear a different perspective of our situation.

“Let me ask you both this. Why did you agree to rush into marriage after three months?”

Val began, “She inspired me from day one. I was in love with her the first moment I saw her. I couldn’t let her go. And I feared as soon as she returned to America, I would lose her and she would be unhappy again.” He turned to me. “More than anything in life, I want to see you happy, and I hope I am the one to always bring happiness to you.”

“And again, we go back to the role of protector. This is a constant theme in your relationship. He wants to shelter you from the things that hurt you.” Doctor Verke looked at me.

I nodded that I understood and turned to Val. “You make me happy. You are the blood that flows though my heart. You give me life. And you gave me life too.” I rubbed my belly, making my point. “I hesitated to rush into things, but that wasn’t because I doubted our love. It was because I doubted myself. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t want to be hurt. But you showed me what it was like to be loved, to have a family, to be a wife. And I enjoyed that, so much. I wanted to grow with you and for us to experience life together. I was afraid our lives would tear us apart if I wasn’t bound to you. I didn’t want to lose you.”

Doctor Verke beamed. “She followed you with blind faith, trusting you completely as you guided her into a new life. She enjoys the security and stability you bring. You’re her strength, her shoulder, something she never had and you have fulfilled. So we know why you took that leap of faith together, but that leads into the question, why did you decide to have a baby so soon?”

“For my own selfish reasons,” Val interjected. “We were both upset over the child we lost. I thought it would heal us.” He turned to me. “I’m sorry, darling.”

I pressed my lips together, pausing to gather my thoughts. “I knew having a baby would be the end of us. I didn’t want to be pregnant and alone. You were supposed to be my support, and you weren’t there. I wasn’t ready to start a family, although it was something I wanted. I wanted to wait until we returned to Finland. I wanted time to enjoy us as a couple. Remember when I said that?”

Val nodded.

“And your response was we would have nine months to do that. But in these seven months, we didn’t. I feel robbed.” I sighed and looked down.

The doctor spoke softly. “Val, tomorrow will be a month, and I think you are doing marvelously. I know you have two more weeks here, but I think we could alter your plan to a day program. This way you two can spend time alone, at night, to enjoy each other before the baby comes. Is this something you would feel comfortable doing?”

Val’s eyes lit up, and he squeezed my hand. “Absolutely. Can I go home tonight?”

Doctor Verke glanced at the clock. “I’ll see what I can do. It’s still early. Eve, how would you feel if Val came home evenings?”

“If he’s ready, I’d love to have him home.” I smiled. The idea of sleeping in his arms tonight made me ecstatic.

“Remember what we discussed about triggers. Keep those in mind if you go out.”

“What does a day program consist of?” I asked.

“Val would come here in the morning and go home at night. It will make a smoother transition for both of you as you reconnect, especially since you haven’t lived together in over six months. If you feel you need to extend the program after the two weeks, we can do so. We would also need you to come in for more couple’s counseling. It’s important he has your support.”

“Of course.” I nodded.

“Why don’t you grab lunch? You have about an hour. I’ll have my assistant start the paperwork so you can go home this evening. Eve, can you come back at five?”

I smiled. Val was coming home. “Yes, absolutely.”

We walked out of the office arm in arm. I couldn’t believe our journey was finally over. Nothing stood in the way of us being together. We’d conquered our obstacles and were closer than we ever had been.

He leaned down. His hair touched the side of my face as he whispered in my ear, “I can’t wait to be home with you.”

“Neither can I. Is there anything special I can make you for dinner?”

He shook his head and shot me a devilish smile. “That depends. Are you on the menu?”

“I could be, but only for dessert.”

“It’s good to be home.” He closed the door and scanned the room. “You’re still up to your old tricks. This place is immaculate.” He sniffed the air and smiled.

“Thank God for house cleaners. What did you do, fire the maid? The place was trashed when I got here.”

He dropped his bags and laughed. “Sort of.”

“What do you mean
sort of
?” I couldn’t stop smiling. It was good to have him home.

“She never came back.” He watched me as I started to cook.

“What did you do?” I laughed. I knew something had happened.

“Nothing. She walked in on me naked. I didn’t expect her to come that day.”

I shot him a sideways glance. “You didn’t expect her? She was supposed to be here every day.”

“Yeah, but I changed it to once a week. I forgot what day it was.” He laughed sheepishly and walked behind me, wrapping his arms above my belly.

“I know there is more to the story than that. If anything, she’d want to come back to see more.” I tilted my head to the side so he could kiss me on the neck.

“Well, I was naked, and she might have caught me wanking off.”

I closed my eyes and leaned back, hysterical with laughter. “You’re so bad.”

“I know.” He kissed me on the neck again, knowing how much it turned me on. “Is bad on the menu tonight too?” He turned off the stove and led me away from the kitchen. “Maybe we could eat later?”

I followed him up the steps. “I can’t believe we’re going to do this.”

My words caused him to break out into a fit of laughter. He opened the bedroom door. “You sound like we’re seventeen.”

“I certainly feel like it right now.” I froze in the bedroom. I wanted to connect with him again, but my body was so awkward.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle.” He ripped his shirt off and tossed it to the floor.

“Now you sound like an older boyfriend trying to seduce me.” I laughed at his words. As embarrassed as I felt, I was still comfortable around him.

He approached me and ran his fingertips over my arms. “Well, I am older than you.” He winked.

“But not by much.” I bit the bullet. “Okay, let’s do it.”

“Oh, I’m glad I convinced you.” He leaned into me, half laughing, half kissing me, but my stomach got in the way.

“See, how can we make love like this?” I giggled.

“I’m sure I can think of a couple of ways.” He led me to the bed and spun me around, placing me down on my hands and knees.

“How romantic. This is just how I pictured it.” I rolled over onto my back, inching up onto the bed.

Val placed a knee on the bed and boosted himself over me. It was wonderful that he was so much taller than me, and with a slight arch of our hips, the baby didn’t even get in the way. His hand slid up my side and pulled my shirt over my breasts.

“Be careful. I’m leaking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have told me that.” He winked and gently caressed me. “I’ll be careful.”

I eyed him, giving him a dirty look.

“I swear, I’ll be careful.” He laughed, pulling my shirt over my head. I didn’t remember ever having so much fun with him in bed.

“You better be, or you’ll be changing the sheets,” I scolded him playfully.