The School Gate Survival Guide (31 page)

‘Dad’s downstairs,’ I said.

‘Yeah, I heard him. Thought I’d let Bronte say hello to him first or she’ll only start whining that she’s left out.’

But he moved down the stairs pretty quickly and threw his arms round Colin who ruffled his hair and did some play punches. I bit back a bitchy remark about hoping Sandy was worth giving up family life for and went off to make a cup of tea. The kids deserved a couple of minutes with Colin, a few last happy moments before we stuck our hand-grenades under their lives.

I took a deep breath before I walked back into the front room. I saw immediately that Colin had already ripped away another strip of childhood. Bronte was sitting on his lap, sucking her thumb. Harley was all big eyes, looking as though he expected me to say it wasn’t true. Neither of them was crying, which cranked up the pressure on me to sound like this was a jolly day, a great new beginning for all of us.

‘Is Dad going to be Gypsy and Denim’s dad as well, Mum?’ Bronte said.

‘He’ll always be your dad, yours and Harley’s. I mean, he’ll live there so he’s going to spend a bit of time with Gypsy and Denim because they’ll be in the same house, but you’ll see him all the time. He’s only going to be next door.’ I hoped I made that sound like a good thing.

‘So is Sandy going to be our mum as well, then? Are we going to live with her?’ Harley chipped in, with wonderful timing as usual.

‘No!’ I knew I’d shouted. I got my voice down to a manageable level. ‘No, she won’t be your mum, because I’m here and nothing will ever change that. You’ll still live with me, in this house, and I’ll look after you and be responsible for you.’ I crossed my arms to stop them shaking.

Harley smiled. ‘Good. I don’t really like Sandy. She always looks sort of dirty. And her bathroom smells funny.’

I did my best ‘told you so’ face at Colin. He looked at the floor.

‘Everyone has a different way of living, but let’s all try and get on together,’ I said. Jesus, I’d be going on about respecting diversity like the bloody Stirling Hall brochure soon.

‘Will we all spend Christmas together? Will we get two lots of Christmas presents like Suki in my class? Her parents are divorced and she got a Wii and a PlayStation for Christmas,’ Bronte said.

‘Mum and Dad aren’t married, stupid, so they won’t get divorced. Derrr.’ Harley pulled a face at Bronte.

I smiled, more a stretching of the skin on my lips, but it seemed to reassure her. ‘We’ll work something out. Don’t worry.’

I looked at Colin who was scratching at the worn velour on the settee. As usual he’d delivered the killer blow, then left me to pick up the pieces, while he sat there, gob open, as though he’d fallen into the front room by chance.

‘Why does Dad want to live with Sandy and her kids instead of us?’ Bronte managed to ask the question as though it was somehow my fault.

‘Colin? I think you should answer this one.’ I wanted to stab him in the eye with the screwdriver he wasn’t using to put shelves up.

He rubbed his bottom lip. ‘Your mum and I, I suppose, we haven’t really been getting on that well lately. We met a long time ago and people kind of change when they have kids and stuff.’

The children sat staring at him. He appeared to think he’d come up with an explanation. ‘So is it our fault?’ I could hear the uncertainty in Harley’s voice.

I pulled him to me, straightening out one of his blond curls. ‘Of course not. Not at all. Don’t ever think that. You and Bronte are the best thing that ever happened to Dad and me. No, we are splitting up because we don’t love each other any more and Dad loves Sandy now. But we both still really, really love you two and we’ll always be so, so happy that we had you both.’

Colin nodded along. Bronte snuggled in closer to him. Harley looked at me as though he was expecting some very wise words to make this whole mess go away. No one said anything. My face muscles started to twitch. I held my breath but it was no good. My mouth was contorting and little snorts were escaping. I pursed my lips tighter, clenching my teeth.

‘Why are you laughing, Mummy?’ Harley asked.

It was a very good question.

Clover was glowing when I saw her at school drop-off. She was waiting for me, lurking by the van, rosy-cheeked under her blue bobble hat. I waved to her, delaying the moment when I’d have to deal with her happiness. Or ruin it. I watched Bronte slouch slowly into school. It was hard to tell if she was upset about Colin leaving because she was such a misery guts in the morning anyway – definitely one of the ‘monosyllabic youths’ the prof used to rant about – but she looked paler than usual. Once I was sure she’d actually gone in, I plastered on a smile and walked over to Clover. The joy on her face filled me with dread. If I got this wrong, our friendship would be on the skids.

‘How’s it going?’ I searched her face for a tiny shadow of doubt, a hint that all was not well in the world. But no shadows, only brilliant sunshine. I leaned back on the van, rain dripping off my hair and listened while she filled me in on Lawrence.

‘He’d lost his job. He was going to tell me that evening, but then Orion smashed the window with his bike and he just blew up. Poor man, all that worry on his own. Men are funny like that, aren’t they? Defined by their careers. Preposterous really. I mean, you read about men putting on their suits and pretending to go to work, but you never think it will be your husband. Made me feel ghastly that he couldn’t talk to me.’

All the energy that I noticed about Clover when I first met her was back, her slightly too fast way of talking, lots of swearing, hands waving about all over the place. She drew breath. ‘Sorry, I want to know about you and Colin, I’m being frightfully self-centred here.’ I shook my head and off she went again. ‘Anyway, we’ve decided that he’s going to set up a business teaching music. He’ll run it from home at first.’

The words ‘But he’s copping off with Jen1’ were vibrating on my lips. I managed, ‘Do you know where he was living yet?’

‘That’s the hilarious thing. You know Lawrence has never really liked Jennifer? Leo insisted that Lawrence stayed in the cottage in the garden at their house. God knows how he persuaded Jennifer into that. According to Lawrence, she made him very welcome.’

Yes, I bet she bloody did. Clover was still rattling on. ‘Though I must admit I feel a bit foolish that she was talking to me about Lawrence and all the time he was living at the bottom of her garden. Had a bit of an F and Blind over that. Made me look so fucking stupid. But then he got me into bed and well, I forgave him.’ She gave an embarrassed giggle. ‘Sorry, too much information. Lawrence had told Jennifer not to tell anyone where he was. Which I suppose means she’s quite trustworthy in a funny sort of way.’

I was surprised she couldn’t hear my saliva sizzling trying to hold back the truth. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jen1’s Mitsubishi snaking out of the school drive, sandwiched between Venetia’s X5 and Frederica’s vintage MG. She pulled over a little way past us and walked back with a bag in her hand.

‘Maia, I’m glad I saw you. I’ve been meaning to give this back to you. Hugo’s already got the book you bought him for his birthday so I was wondering if you could take it back and exchange it for something else if you’ve still got the receipt? I’m sorry but Hugo did tell Harley he had the whole trilogy. I assume Harley didn’t know what “trilogy” meant. Something by Tolkien would be marvellous, though he’s read
The Hobbit
.’

My mouth must have been open. I held out my hand for the bag. Even Clover stood in silence as Jen1 smiled, one of those smiles which made her cheeks go higher but didn’t go anywhere near her eyes. ‘Must run,’ she said, ‘I’m having my nails done in London and I need to get some petrol.’

I watched her walk away. Clover shook her head and said, ‘She can be so fucking rude. I don’t know why she does things like that. I’m sure she’s got a good heart but she doesn’t think before she speaks.’

That nearly sent me thundering after Jen1. I couldn’t bear Clover bumbling along, giving her the benefit of the doubt when Jen1 was doing the dirty on her. Wild images of me jumping on the bonnet of the Mitsubishi and clinging to the windscreen wipers darted through my mind. But I couldn’t drop the truth on Clover like that. At the very least she deserved to hear the bombshell in private. I looked down at my watch. ‘Damn, I forgot, I’ve got to see the solicitor this morning. I’d better go.’

I followed Clover out of the drive. She turned right for SD2, I turned left for scumbaggy SD1. As I drove past the BP garage, I saw Jen1 filling up. The indicator on the van kept pace with my thumping heart. I drew up and strolled over.

She put on her St Francis-talking-to-the-animals face. ‘Maia. Hello.’

‘How long have you been having an affair with Lawrence?’ I stared straight at her, waiting for her to flinch.

‘Lawrence?’ She didn’t look away but she did look puzzled which hacked me off. She’d been acting the part for so long, she wasn’t going to be tricked out of it easily.

‘Yes, Lawrence, you know, Clover’s husband, the one she’s desperate to get back with? The one who stood up there on Friday night singing love songs to fuck with her head while he’s screwing you.’

She shook her head. ‘What? What? I’m not having an affair with Lawrence.’

‘You fucking liar. There you are, pretending to be a listening ear. I saw you on your camera thing. All snuggled up in his arms.’

‘You’re mad, Maia. You’ve no idea what you’re on about. Lawrence is just a friend, a really good friend, to me and to Leo.’ She had her scrawny little arms on her scrawny little hips. With her lips curled back she looked like an angry chihuahua.

‘I heard you. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Lawrence”.’ I was jabbing my finger in her face. I was turning into Colin but at that moment, I didn’t care.

‘If you wave that finger at me one more time, I’ll twist it off. Now go away and let me finish buying my petrol in peace. No wonder Harley thinks he can solve everything with his fists with a mother like you.’

‘Leave Harley out of it. Leave him out of it or you really will be sorry.’ For some reason, I hadn’t prepared myself for her fighting back. I’d assumed she’d beg me not to say anything. ‘You’ve got nothing, nothing to be snobby about. If you hadn’t married Leo, you’d still be hawking ham sandwiches round Canary Wharf so you can piss off pretending that you are any better than me.’ Shock marbled her face. She hadn’t expected me to know that. Everyone knew where I came from, whereas Jen1 had dedicated her life to covering it up.

‘Stay away from Lawrence or I will tell Clover and Leo exactly what you have been up to,’ I said. The rain was starting to come down more heavily now, but I wasn’t about to head for cover.

Jen1 seemed to gather herself. ‘I haven’t been up to anything. Lawrence was made redundant because the department he was running closed down. He was so furious when they gave him notice that Leo thought he was going to do something stupid, so he invited him to stay in our cottage.’

‘So why couldn’t Clover know that? Instead of you creeping around, pretending you didn’t know anything about it?’ I asked.

‘I had to promise not to tell. He was in such a bad way. He’s been seeing a therapist every day to sort his head out. Clover’s family have never thought he was good enough for her. He can’t face going back into the financial industry but he couldn’t bear them to think he was a sponger.’

Jen1 and Lawrence had obviously practised their stories together. They weren’t going to fool me like they’d fooled Clover. ‘That’s bollocks. Complete bollocks. I saw you. I heard you together.’

Jen1 pulled the petrol pump out and started to fill the car. She was shouting at me over her shoulder, looking like she had just chewed on a bad Brazil nut. ‘Aren’t you the clever one? Sort your facts out, Maia, before you go round accusing people of things they haven’t done. Leo was going to lose his job as well, but because Lawrence recommended him to the person merging the departments, Leo’s got a promotion. So that was why I was thanking him. We’ve been having sleepless nights. I thought we’d have to sell the ski lodge and maybe our house here as well.’

‘Not the ski lodge. How would you survive without a pad in St Moritz?’ My anger wasn’t about to make a U-turn. It was like a runaway racehorse, still jumping fences though the rider was off. Panic was making me really bitchy. I didn’t want to believe her. But although she was the biggest fake I knew with her French manicured nails, hair extensions and organic baking shite, my conviction was faltering. I still couldn’t find my back pedal, much less my brake. ‘You thank all the men by throwing yourself into their arms?’

‘You wouldn’t understand, Maia. It’s a middle-class thing. We like to hug and kiss. Working-class people don’t go in for it much.’

I thought of Colin, of the blokes down the Working Men’s Club, of the young lads round our way. They never greeted anyone with that silly cheek-kissing thing. A nod and an ‘all right?’ maybe, hands in pockets. Any woman who gave them a big hug without a very good reason would be considered ‘up for it’. I wasn’t going to let that go. ‘You’re right. How would I know what the middle classes do? But then again, how would you?’

That’s when I copped it. A great zinging slap across my face that rearranged my brain cells. I rubbed my face. ‘See? You’re just a working-class brawler at heart. The Duchess from Dagenham. Or should I call you the Posh Pajero after your car? You know “pajero” means “wanker” in Spanish, don’t you?’ I was aware of a few startled faces peering over the tops of cars. I glared at a bloke craning over his BMW. He quickly looked away.

Jen1 was beside herself. She shoved the petrol pump back into its holder and started pushing me backwards. ‘Working class’ seemed to ignite her like a blowtorch. ‘Fuck off. Just fuck off. Go on, sling it. You little cow. God knows how you ever managed to get your kids into Stirling Hall, you common little tart.’

‘Same as you, Jenny. They don’t care about breeding, only money.’ That pushing reminded me of Colin, thinking he could treat me any way he wanted. I daren’t push her back, because the fury in my body was not just about Jen1, it was about Colin, Sandy, Mr Peters. I could probably have pushed a juggernaut out of the way. I’d be no good to the kids behind bars for manslaughter. I reached for the bucket of water provided to wash the windscreen and slopped the whole lot over her, delighting in the sloshing noise and the satisfying slap as it splatted to the ground, washing off a bit of make-up and a lot of smugness as it went.