The Secret 04 The Ever After of Ella and Micha (20 page)

My head tips down so it takes Micha a second to realize I’m crying. When he does, he cups my face and lifts my head back, immediately wiping the tears away with a worried look on his face.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I was worried about giving it to you because I thought it’d upset you.”

I press my lips together and shake my head. “I’m not at all.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“Because I’m happy,” I say with a smile as tears continue to pour out.

He still looks unconvinced. “So you like the present?”

“I love the present,” I say and then kiss him with so much passion we collapse back onto the bed, the wooden box still clutched in my hand. We kiss until we’re breathless, and then I pull way only to say, “The present is perfect—you’re perfect.”

And he really, really is.

“Oh my God, you two and your fucking crazy-ass ideas.” Ethan paces back and forth, flattening a path in the snow in front of my car with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans, a hoodie pulled over his black button-down shirt. I went for a different look, wearing a pinstriped buttoned shirt Ella picked out for me, black jeans, and boots, along with a dark jacket we borrowed from Thomas. She made me roll up the sleeves and keep my leather bands on my wrists because she said it made me look sexy. Honestly, I don’t really give a shit what I’m wearing just as long as she’s happy.

“What?” I ask, popping the trunk of the Chevelle. The snow was so deep driving up that I had to put chains on the tires and it was still a pain in the ass to get down here so I’m a little worried about going back. “It’s just a little cold air.”

He shakes his head as he glares at me. “We’re all going to be ice statues by the time this is over, buried alive under five feet of snow.”

“Hey, we’ll make great snowmen,” I joke as I glance up at the sky where light, fluffy snowflakes drift toward the ground, landing in the bare branches of the trees and covering the ice-covered lake. Lila came down here a little earlier with my mom and scattered candles around a flattened-out area in snow beneath a canopy of trees, although I have no idea how the hell they’re going to get them lit. They also tied black and red ribbons all over the branches along with silvery Christmas lights that are plugged into an extension cord that’s plugged into an AC adapter in my car, which means I have to leave the engine on the entire wedding. They sprinkled rose petals all over the snow, which I can barely see now because of the fresh layer of snowflakes on top of them. After they did all this, they took off to go check on Ella and help her get ready. I’m glad she’s not alone, because she seemed a little nervous when I left the house.

As I unload a few fold-up chairs from the trunk, I pretend I’m not nervous, even though I am. Not because I want to bail but because I’m fucking getting married and it’s starting to freak me out. Ethan’s responsibility lecture is fresh in my mind and I keep thinking, What if I screw up? I can’t. Not with Ella.

“You okay, man?” Ethan asks, dropping a few chairs onto a growing pile. “You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine.” I put my foot on the bottom bar of a chair and stomp down on it to unfold it, and then I stand it up in the snow.

“Make sure you line them up straight,” Ethan says as he unfolds a chair and lines it up with the one I just set up. “Lila will chew our asses out if we don’t.”

I smile, but keep my head down as I start forming an even row. It doesn’t take more than a minute to get the few chairs set up, since there’s hardly anyone attending the wedding, but it seems like an eternity goes by. By the time we’re done, I’m fidgety and jittery, a bundle of nerves sparking inside me.

Finally I can’t take it anymore. Adrenaline is rushing through me and my pulse is erratic so I go back to my Chevelle and open the glove box. Digging around beneath a stack of papers, I find a pack of cigarettes that I hid in there ages ago for moments just like these.

“Really?” Ethan questions as I sit down in the driver’s seat with the door open and my feet planted in the snow.

“I just need to calm down,” I say and pop one into my mouth. He shakes his head, laughing under his breath as I grab the lighter out of the pack, cup my hand around the end of the cigarette, and light it. As soon as the nicotine enters my lungs, I feel better and my heart rate starts to settle.

Ethan heaves a large Tupperware bin out of the trunk and drops it onto the ground as I suck drag after drag off the cigarette, my heart calming, my skin warming under my coat and shirt.

“You feel better?” he asks as I graze my thumb over the end of the cigarette and scatter ash across the snow.

I savor another breath of smoke. “Actually, I do.”

He rolls his eyes. Ethan never did like it when I smoked, except I think he used to smoke pot. He would always chew me out, though, for getting ash in his truck and stinking up the upholstery.

After I finish the cigarette I put it out in the snow as a large maroon SUV comes bumping down the road. I wish I had some cologne on hand because now I stink and Ella’s going to know I’ve been smoking. She won’t get mad at me, but she knows I do it when something’s wrong, and knowing her, she’ll think it’s because I don’t want to get married.

The SUV stops close to the Chevelle and the engine stays running as Dean hops out, zipping up his coat. His hair is combed to the side and he has these really shiny shoes on. I remember when we were younger, how he had an eyebrow piercing and was obsessed with the idea that one day he would have tattoos all over his arms and a goatee.

“Hey, man, you might want to go back to the house and check on Ella,” he says, stuffing his hands into the pocket of his slacks as he walks up to me.

I meet him at the front of the car and sit down on the frosted hood, folding my arms. “She said she was going to drive down here with my mom and Lila.”

He shakes his head and hitches his thumb over his shoulder, pointing at the road. “She was… is, but something sort of happened.”

I stand up, my pulse immediately accelerating as the fear that I’ve been stood up again races through my mind. “Why? What happened?”

He looks tense and uncomfortable, rocking back on his heels. “I’m not really sure. All I know is that Ella’s friend… that blond girl, told me I should probably come get you.”

I don’t even wait for him to say anything else. I get inside the car, unplug the lights, and press on the gas, hoping it’s not what I’m thinking.

Hoping she’s not standing me up again.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I’m trying to get air into my lungs, but I feel like I’m suffocating, invisible fingers wrapping around my neck as I battle for oxygen. I don’t even know where the panic attack stemmed from. One minute I was fine, getting my hair pinned up as I listened to Lila talk about her and Ethan’s road trip plans and the next I felt like I was drowning in the fact that as soon as Lila was finished with my hair, I was going to have to put the dress on. Then it’d be time to go to
my wedding
, say my vows, start my future.

I’d flipped out and started bawling, scaring the crap out of Micha’s mom, Lila, and Caroline as I jumped out of the chair and raced back into Micha’s room. Lila came to check on me as I was balling on the bed. She tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t stop crying. Then I’d pulled a blanket over my head, ready to shut down, but then I’d remembered all the progress I’d made over the last couple of years and instead I ended up saying something that shocked me.

“Go get Micha, please.” My voice cracks through my sobs.

Lila pauses. “Um, okay.” Seconds later, I’d heard the door shut.

After she leaves, I cry for what seems like hours, ruining my makeup as tears stream down my face. I keep trying to tell myself to get out of the damn bed and go put the dress on because deep down I know I want to and I’m just scared. Finally, the door creaks open and I freeze as I hear the soft sound of footsteps padding over to the bed. The mattress sinks as someone sits down on the edge of the bed, and then a hand touches my shoulder on the outside of the blanket.

“Ella…” Micha’s voice is alarmingly off pitch. “What’s wrong?”

When I don’t respond, he pulls the blanket off my head and the cold air stings my skin. I peer up at him through tear-stained eyes and he sighs, looking like he’s on the brink of crying too. “Are you…” He swallows hard as he touches my cheek with his fingers, and then he shuts his eyes. “Are you getting cold feet again?”

I shake my head and sit up, rubbing the back of my hand across my face, making my makeup worse I’m sure. “No, it’s not that… I’m just…” I search for what I’m really feeling, because I want to tell him the truth. “I’m just scared. I keep thinking about putting the dress on, walking down the aisle, saying my vows… moving forward. I’m overwhelmed and I needed someone here who got me. Who could help me put my dress on and get me through this.” A slow breath eases from my lips as I realize that that’s all I want—Micha by my side because he’ll get me through this. Sure, I know that sometimes I have to do things on my own, but at the same time admitting when I do need someone makes me stronger.

He opens his eyes and blinks back the tears. “Are you sure that’s it?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” I tell him, wholeheartedly. “I just panicked and I’m so sorry. I just need you here with me right now.”

He studies me for what feels like forever and then he suddenly slides me to the side of the bed, takes my hand, and pulls me to my feet with this intense look on his face. Releasing my hand, he grabs the bottom of my shirt and tugs it over my head, moving carefully to avoid ruining the curls and braids or knocking out any of the black flowers. He discards my shirt on the floor, and then unties the drawstring of my pajamas, his eyes locked on me as he slips them down my legs. I refuse to look away from him and the longer I focus on him, the calmer I get inside, the violent rainstorm settling into a light drizzle. When the pants reach my feet, I step out of them. He makes his way to the closet and gets my wedding dress. It’s a beautiful dress, a shimmering black silk top, a red ribbon securing the back, and an elegant flowing white bottom bunched together in places by red and black roses.

Micha slips the plastic straps off the hanger as he returns to me and then lowers the dress to the floor so I can step into it. Once I get my legs through, he guides the fabric up my body until the top covers my breasts. Then I hold the front up with one hand and he walks behind me and grazes his fingers down my spine.

“Feeling any better?” he asks, his breath hot on my neck and I shiver.

I nod, freeing a trapped breath. “A lot better actually.”

“Good, because I want you to feel better. I want you to feel good about this—about marrying me, Ella May.” He slowly zips up the dress and the fabric constricts against my body, pushing my breast up the slightest bit. Once he gets it zipped, he steps back in front of me, nudging the flowing bottom out of the way with his boot. “Are you sure you want this—want me forever?” He has this guarded look in his eyes, like he’s trying to pretend that he can handle whatever, but I can tell that if I say no—that I don’t want this—it’ll crush him.

“Micha, I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything,” I say honestly as I run my fingers along the bottom of my eyes and cheeks. “Just let me fix my makeup and we can go. I’m sure I look hideous.”

“You look beautiful,” he says without missing a beat. “You always do.”

“Hideously beautiful I think you mean,” I joke, and he cracks a smile, his fingers seeking my cheek.

“No, you look beautiful,” he promises. “But if you want to fix your makeup you can. I don’t think I can do that for you.”

I smile and pick up my makeup bag from the dresser, but he ends up holding one of my hands so it’s sort of like he’s helping me, only it makes the actual act of putting makeup on a bit complicated. But I manage and I end up getting the black eyeliner and lip gloss on without any mishaps. When I’m done, I sit on my bed and Micha kneels down in front of me and helps me put on my boots.

“I feel like Cinderella,” I remark as I put my foot in and he laces the boot up.

He peers up at me and a smile touches his lips. “Good. That’s how you should feel.” He stands up and then guides me to my feet before he leans in to kiss me. Then he walks over to the nightstand and picks up the wooden box he gave me last night. He opens it up, takes out the necklace, and, stepping behind me, puts it on me. As soon as the ribbon and rose are secured around my neck, I feel weirdly at peace.

He kisses the back of my neck and then walks around in front of me. “Are you ready for this?” His tone’s light but I can tell he’s worried about my response.

“I’m more than ready,” I tell him and then grab the front of his shirt and pull him in for another kiss. When I pull away, I give him a questioning look. “Wait a minute… did you smoke?”

He scratches the back of his neck, looking guilty. “Sort of, but only because I was a little nervous.”

“About what?”

“About starting our future… taking care of you the right way. I just want to make you happy.”

“You have since the day we became friends,” I assure him and the anxious look in his eyes evaporates as I slip on my leather jacket and tuck the photo of my mom inside it because I want her with me, even if it is just a picture.

He gives me a funny look, but he doesn’t say anything and then we leave the room, holding hands, and head to our wedding together and everything feels right because he’s here by my side and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

She looks beautiful in her dress, her hair all done up in braids and curls, her green eyes big as she stares at me, gripping onto my hands for dear life as we get out of the car. I try to stay calm but my hammering pulse makes it hard to breathe, not because I’m nervous but because I’m excited. I turn on “The Story,” by Brandi Carlile, so it’s quietly playing through the speakers and Ella smiles, remembering how it was playing at Dean and Caroline’s wedding when I told her that I wanted to marry her.

“You remembered the song,” she says.

“Of course I did,” I reply, extending my elbow to her. “It was an epic moment in our history.”

She loops her arm through mine and then we start to walk up to the aisle. By the time we make it up the snowy rose-covered path, with our friends and family staring at us, I feel so content and happy, knowing that in a few moments Ella will be mine forever and I’ll be hers. I think a few of them are a little bit surprised though to see this actually taking place, particularly Ethan and Lila, who are cuddled up together and who look a little bit shocked when we get out of the car. My mom, however, looks like she’s been pretty much waiting for this day. She nearly beams as she sits with Thomas, watching us with more happiness in her eyes than I’ve ever seen. Dean looks neutral, just how he always looks, and Caroline’s almost in tears. And Ella’s dad’s a little harder to read, but it almost looks like he’s about to tear up.

At the end, we stand under the canopy of the trees as the minister starts reading a marriage speech that I barely pay attention to. Snowflakes dot Ella’s hair and melt against her chest where the rose pendant rests just above her breasts, making her skin wet. She looks perfect and I seriously want to lick her right now, but I don’t think it would be appropriate, so I tell myself to keep cool until later tonight when I can do anything I want to her.

I basically zone out and focus on her until the minister announces for me to read my vows. Then I let go of Ella’s hand only to take out the folded-up piece of paper from my pocket, my fingers shaking as I unfold it.

Ella looks nervous, her breath increasing and causing more haze to surround her face as she waits to hear what I have to say, the truth about how I feel about her.

“I can’t think of a time where I didn’t want to be with you.” I glance back and forth between the paper and her as I speak. “From the moment you stepped out the door of your house, I thought you were beautiful and I wanted you in my life. I can’t say it was love at first sight since I was too young and I don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in finding the right person who makes everything easy, who makes me happy, who makes life worth living and more exciting, whether it’s kissing on swing sets,” I say and that gets her to smile, “racing cars, getting tattoos, sharing Popsicles and tears, or just sitting in my room singing while you draw. I couldn’t have done life without you and every single moment, good or bad, has been worth it because it got us right here to this very place and this very moment where I get to have you for the rest of my life. You make me happier than I can even begin to explain. I love you, Ella May, more than life itself, and I’ll continue to love you until I take my last breath—I’ll love you forever. You own my heart.” By the end, my voice is getting unsteady with the emotions flooding through me as I think about everything we’ve gone through to get to this place and that in a few moments she will be mine forever, the girl next door who I fell in love with and gave my heart to completely.

I suck in an uneven breath as I stuff the paper back in my pocket, knowing Ethan’s going to tease the shit out of me for acting so emotional, but at the moment I don’t care.

I keep my attention on Ella, watching her as she fights tears back and takes a piece of paper out of her jacket pocket.

She stares at it for an eternity, like she can’t find her voice, and her hands tremble. My heart constricts in my chest as I wait for her to say what I mean to her, worried she won’t be able to do it. But then, surprising me, she finally releases a deafening breath and the sound of her voice sends a rush of relief through me.

“You know when I first met you, you scared the shit out of me.” She pulls a “whoops” face and glances at the minister, who sighs because he knows us well enough to know this is just how we talk. Then she returns her focus to me and clears her throat. “You were so intense and determined to get to know me and I couldn’t understand why you would want to, for a lot of reasons, reasons that you know about because you know me better than anyone.” Her voice wobbles a little and she lets go of the paper and wipes her sweaty palm on her jacket. “But eventually you sort of wore on me.” Her lips quirk and it makes me grin. “You became my light in my dark life and you made me feel so loved that I’d forget how to breathe. You were the only one who could make me laugh, smile, have fun, not give up. You were always there for me and somehow, through the crazy, intense years, you fought your way into my soul and ended up becoming my everything. You became my lifeline, the one person I could rely on no matter what, whether I was upset or pushing you away—you were always there for me. And I love you for it and for the amazing person that you are, for writing me songs and tattooing them on your skin, for wearing a ridiculous O-ring on your finger,” she says, trying to smile but I can tell she’s getting overwhelmed by her emotions. “And for loving me enough not to let me give up, not matter how hard I fought.” A breath gradually eases from her lips as she stuffs the paper into her jacket pocket.

When she looks up at me, tears are forming in her eyes. She’s overwhelmed with emotion and I’m sure she can see the same emotion mirrored in my face. I’ve never seen her be so open like that and I think, if it’s even possible, I might have just fallen in love with her more.

It’s quiet for a moment as everyone just sort of watches us, and then Ethan lets out a loud cough and I shake my head as Ella rolls her eyes. Lila hisses something at him and then the quietness surrounds us again.

The minister finally continues on to the ring exchange, directing us what to do. I slip the simple silver wedding band on Ella’s finger and her breath falters as she looks down at it and smiles. Then she takes out her ring box and opens it up and it’s a silver one that almost matches the one I gave her, only it’s a little thicker. She replaces the O-ring with it, her hand shaking as she slips it over my finger.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the minister announces and suddenly everything’s official. She’s my wife and I’m her husband.

I hear someone in the crowd clap their hands as I lean in toward Ella to kiss her. She follows my lead, our lips magnetizing toward one another and we meet halfway. Underneath the trees’ branches blanketed with snow, our lips brush and our arms wrap around each other, finally getting to our wonderfully, imperfect, difficult, complex, yet beautiful and worth it ever after.