The Secrets of Boys (8 page)

“I guess I have,” Cassidy said. “But what about the rest of the class? You’re depriving them of your genius as we speak.”

“So what are you going to do?” Zach wiggled his eyebrows, making her smile. “Report me?”

“That depends,” Cassidy countered. “Are you going to do anything I’d need to report?”

Holy crap, was she actually
flirting
? She had never flirted before in her life. That required being outgoing and courageous, neither of which Cassidy ever felt like she was.
Larissa
flirted. Cassidy just quietly observed.

What had gotten into her? And what would Eric do if he knew? He was all wary before when she was hanging out with an old friend like Joe. One look at the way she was salivating over Zach and he’d probably hire a private investigator to follow her around and make sure she wasn’t doing anything sinful.

“I’ll be an absolute angel, I promise,” Zach assured her, and she felt a small surge of disappointment.

“Tell me about the rest of this exhibit.” She reminded herself once again that she had a boyfriend. This would just be for educational purposes, she decided. “Madame Briand’s been going on and on about how
French
everything is, but you seem to know a lot more about the art itself.”

“I’m hardly an expert.” Zach’s smile seemed to stir the gooey oatmeal her insides had become. “But I can maybe tell you a few things.”

Cassidy was relieved to let Zach play tour guide, and he seemed happy to finally get to spout some of the knowledge he’d picked up trolling the museums in Paris.

Cassidy only hoped he wouldn’t catch on that she was staring at him more than at the paintings. As they talked, he led her through a glassed-in atrium and out a side door to a wide green lawn filled with large, modern steel sculptures.

“Where are we?” she asked. “Won’t Madame Briand notice we’re missing?”

“Believe me,” Zach assured her, “Madame Briand wouldn’t notice if her head was missing from her shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good teacher, but man, is she flaky!”

“She is?” Cassidy hadn’t noticed. Maybe because she spent all her time in class imagining Zach with his strong, perfectly toned arms around her.

“Why do you think they have me there? I help her keep all the students’ names straight, and after she grades your papers, she gives them to me to hand back.

It’s because she can’t keep track of who’s who. Half the time she calls Cecilia by your name.”

“No!” Cassidy gasped in mock horror.

“Yes!” Zach rolled his eyes. “It hurts me too.”

“Well, I’m not surprised, really,” Cassidy said. She imitated Cecilia’s high-pitched whine. “Because my parents have taken me to independent film festivals all over the world and I want to live in twelve countries simultaneously when I grow up, which should be like five minutes from now because I’m so mo-ti-vated.”

Zach’s easy laugh rang out over the garden as he sat down on an intricately carved wooden bench under a willow tree and patted the empty seat next to him.

Cassidy hesitated a moment, then joined him. If she were an inch closer, their thighs would be touching. Not that she noticed or anything.

“So why did you decide to spend your summer doing this?” Cassidy was genuinely curious … about everything there was to know about him.

“Because I can.” Zach shrugged. “I needed something to do, and this gives me college credit and a place to live. It sure beats going home.”

“Home?” Cassidy asked.

“Oklahoma.” Zach winced. “Not exactly an intellec-tual hotbed. I was happy to get out.”

“I guess France was about as far away as you could get.”

“Exactly.” Zach laughed. “Man, Oklahoma was completely not my scene.”

“So what’s your scene?” Cassidy asked. “Paris?”

“Anything new,” Zach said. “I loved Paris because when I first got there, I wasn’t fluent in French, so I had to learn to read people based on their faces instead of what they said. It taught me a lot.”

“That must have been so weird,” Cassidy mused.

“Living in a foreign country where you don’t even speak the language.”

“It was great.” Zach’s eyes glittered. “I’d just spend hours wandering the streets, getting totally lost and suddenly coming out on something so beautiful, like a park or a building or a sculpture garden.”

“That must have been incredible.” Cassidy sighed. “I wish I could get lost sometimes, but I’ve lived here my whole life. I could drive through Malibu with my eyes closed and not get in an accident.”

“I wouldn’t try that if I were you,” Zach said, putting his hand mindlessly on her bare knee for a split second.

Cassidy nearly jumped, but he didn’t seem to catch on to the fact that he stimulated every fiber of her being by mere skin-to-skin contact. “Being here kind of reminds me of high school, actually. Although it wasn’t a great experience for me. I’d hang out with the same two people all the time because I was too shy to talk to anyone else.”

“
You
were too shy?” Cassidy asked incredulously.

“Oh yeah. I just couldn’t get my mind around having an actual conversation with anyone but Ted and Jimmy. I
wanted
to, but there was just no way. Every time I tried, my mouth went all dry and I’d start to shake.” Cassidy herself was shaking a bit. Her leg was bouncing up and down nervously as Zach’s deep, intense gaze kept shining on her.

“But … you’re a TA now,” she managed to say.

“That means you talk to people all the time, right? You even get up in front of the class and
teach
. There’s no way I could ever do something like that.”

“You’d be surprised. Going to Paris changed everything. I was all alone, I didn’t have Ted and Jimmy to fall back on anymore. It was either learn how to talk to strangers or let my vocal cords atrophy from neglect. I mean, if I hadn’t spoken to anyone all last summer, nobody would have
cared
. I think that’s what finally got me over it, not having anyone try to bring me out of my shell. I just had to do it on my own.”

Cassidy was really floored by this admission. Zach was so open and seemed like he had no secrets at all. He was just laying his whole life out on the table, and all of it was so fascinating. Cassidy wished that she could learn how to do the same, but the funny thing was, suddenly she was hopeful that she’d be able to learn. Zach’s anecdote helped her to see that changing was not only possible, it was inevitable.

“So, hey,” Zach said. “I’m sure you’re totally fed up with all this ‘experience French culture’ crap, but on the off chance you’re not, do you want to catch a Godard film at the revival house this Friday? He’s like the quin-tessential French new-wave director, if you’re into that kind of stuff.”

“Will I be quizzed afterward?” Cassidy joked. She couldn’t believe she had even gotten the words out.

Inside, her head was spinning faster than a Tilt-A-Whirl.

Was Zach asking her out?

“Yes,” Zach said. “But I’ll let you cheat.”

Cheat.
The word echoed in her ears, making her think suddenly of Eric. Would going to the movies with Zach be cheating? Her eyes fluttered around the garden as she tried to think of an answer that Larissa might say. Most likely something gross like, “If there’s no penetration, then it doesn’t really count,” but who knew these days—

Larissa had been pretty MIA of late, just like Eric. Then Cassidy’s gaze darted down to her watch. It took a moment for the position of the hands to register, and when it did, she let out a small gasp. She was supposed to meet Eric at the beach thirty-five minutes ago.

“I have to get going,” she said abruptly. “I’m totally late to meet my friend.” Her
friend
? Since when did she refer to Eric as her
friend
?

Zach shrugged, and Cassidy thought she saw a hint of disappointment flicker in his eyes. “Have fun,” he said as she reluctantly stood up to leave. She turned and began walking away from him across the lawn.

“Hey,” he called after her. She stopped mid-step and turned to look at him. He seemed to glow in the late-afternoon sunlight, his body relaxed and fluid against the bench.

“How about that movie?” he yelled.

“Okay!” she said, the jolt of adrenaline that shot through her propelling her the rest of the way to her car.

Her heart was still pounding when she slid into the driver’s seat of the Volvo and turned on her cell. She’d missed two texts and a voice message from Eric, wondering where she was.

Class ran L8—C U soon,
she texted back before turning on the engine and steering the old Volvo down to the beach.
Why did I say yes to Zach?
she wondered as she cranked open the window, letting the breeze cool her still-burning cheeks. For that matter, why had she told Zach she was late to meet a
friend
? She always referred to Eric as her boyfriend; normally, it was something she felt really proud of.

Well,
she rationalized,
it’s not like it’s a date or anything.

For all she knew, they’d be going in a big group. Then it
definitely
wouldn’t be a date, right? She found herself hoping that Zach had asked half the class to go as well.

Except she realized that she really hoped he hadn’t.

Eric and two of his surfing buddies were throwing a Frisbee down the shoreline of Zuma Beach to a big, happy golden retriever when Cassidy arrived. The dog ran up to her, drooling around the Frisbee’s plastic rim as he deposited it at her feet. Cassidy picked it up gingerly, trying not to touch any slobber, before tossing it to Eric. She shaded her eyes against the sun’s glare as she watched the Frisbee arc into the sky over the ocean.

The dog went tearing after it, the pale fur on his hind legs fluttering in the wind. He nearly collided with Eric, and the two of them fell to the sand, wrestling playfully as each tried to get ahold of the Frisbee. Cassidy could hear the affection in Eric’s voice as he spoke to the dog, and she felt a surge of tenderness rush to her heart. Eric was a really good guy. She’d loved him for two years, and nothing could change that.

“Hi, sweetheart!” Eric trotted up to her and wrapped her in a bear hug. “I was worried about you. Why’d you have to stay so late after class today?”

Cassidy ran her hands over his chiseled chest. “We were at the Getty Museum.”

“Yikes,” he said, wincing. “Were you totally bored?”

“Actually, no. There was this French impressionist exhibit and they had a painting by this guy Seurat who used tiny dots to create this big beautiful picture. It’s called pointillism. It was amazing.”

Eric looked puzzled but kept a crooked grin on his face. “Sounds cool.”

Cassidy felt vaguely annoyed. That Seurat painting had burrowed itself into her heart, and all Eric could say was that it sounded “cool”? But that was just Eric. Art wasn’t really his thing. Eric liked things you could surf on or throw a Frisbee to. He wasn’t stupid or anything, just a physical kind of guy. Even so, she kind of wished he could appreciate the transformative power the experience had had over her. She’d even considered taking her art skills to the next level by sketching some nature scenes or drawing the bowl of fruit that sat on her mother’s precious Domain dining table. Eric had never taken an interest in this passion of hers, and for the first time Cassidy was wondering how much that would affect their future together.

Eric kissed her cheek gently and pulled her out of her thoughts. “So Tim’s having a luau farther down the beach—kind of as a pre–July Fourth party. You up for some roasted pig and hula dancing?”

“Roasted pig?” Cassidy said. “You have
got
to be kidding.”

“I’m not,” Eric said. “Come on, I’ll show you.”

He grabbed her hand and began pulling her along the thick, warm sand as she giggled into the wind. As they got closer to the party sounds coming from near the pier, Eric slowed down and began nervously swinging her hand in his.

“I really missed you at the movies the other night,”

he murmured.

“I missed you too,” Cassidy said. “But it was good that I could give Joe some moral support. I mean, he was getting shipped off for the whole summer, and he needed someone to talk to.”

“Yeah?” asked Eric. She could tell he was struggling to keep his voice casual. “So what did you guys talk about, anyway?”

“Oh, you know,” Cassidy said vaguely. She didn’t want to admit that she’d confided in Joe about their relationship. She knew that would only feed Eric’s insecurities. “Just, like, how we were both going to have crappy summers.”

“You didn’t do anything besides talk, did you?” Eric looked off at the waves, not meeting her eyes.

Cassidy squeezed his hand. “Of course not. He’s just a friend.”

He finally turned to face her, the wrinkles in his forehead relaxing into relief, but he still seemed uneasy. She thought back to what Joe had said in the tree house. She knew she had to say something reassuring, something that would make Eric feel like he was the only guy for her. She searched her heart for the right words, but it was difficult to find them. And she knew why. This crush on Zach had shaken her up more than she’d thought. There was a variety of things she could profess to Eric, but she suddenly doubted her sincerity so much it made her feel sick to her stomach. Luckily, she managed to squeak out something nice.

“I’d never want to be without you,” she said. It was actually very true—she couldn’t picture her life without him in it somehow.

She watched Eric’s face break into a big smile before he reached down and gathered her in his arms. He picked her up and swung her around as she laughed and kicked her legs in the air.

“So I’m your one and only?” He set her down, tenderly brushing her hair back from her face.

“Absolutely,” she said confidently, even though Zach’s face flashed through her mind. This was so unsettling.

Here she was with her handsome, sweet, thoughtful, kind boyfriend and she couldn’t get her TA out of her head.

It’s not like Zach would even give her the time of day.

They’d had
one
conversation, and he’d asked her to go see a foreign film, which meant nothing in the grand scheme of college guy hookups. But it didn’t even matter.