The Shameless Hour (20 page)

“Aw,” Lianne said from behind the door.

“I have to talk to you,” Rafe said. He slipped past me and went to sit on the bed. “Sit down,” he said, patting the spot next to him. His dark eyes flicked up, locking on mine. Then they darted away again.

“Can I go first?” I asked.

He shook his head and smiled. “Nope. There’s something I need to say.”

“But my thing came first,” I argued.

“It doesn’t matter, Bella! I’m trying to…”

I cut him off, by virtue of hollering. “
I’m
trying to apologize for stealing your virginity!”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the bathroom door.

“Lianne!” I hollered. “Take your skinny butt over to that fancy stereo and find yourself some tunes.”

There was a grumble and the sound of feet moving away from the door.

Rafe’s shoulders sagged. “Freaking Bickley.”

“I know,” I sympathized. “But I had no idea—”

He held a hand up to silence me. “Just
stop
, okay? I don’t want to talk about this.”

“But we have to, because—”

“
No,
” he said forcefully. “We really don’t. That’s ridiculous.”

“No it
isn’t
,” I said, dropping my voice. “I was so hard on you…”

He held up that hand again.

“Fine!” I yelped. “But I feel like an ass. You’ve been really good to me. Always really good to me. Since that first day you carried a box up to my room, okay? I just wanted to say thank you. I haven’t been… my best self this year.”

Those brown eyes softened. “You had reasons.”

I let out a breath. “I had a few here and there. But you’re just about the only
good
thing that’s happened to me this year. And I want you to know I appreciate it.”

That may have caught him off guard. I saw him swallow roughly. “Thank you.”

“That night in September…”

He made an impatient noise. “Don’t go there.”

“Hey! I’m not going to embarrass you. I promise. But you… I couldn’t
tell
, Rafe. I would have never guessed.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Uh… thanks?”

“You’ve been really patient with me when I had a shitty time, and I wasn’t so patient with you. I wish I had been.”

“It’s
okay
, Bella. I’m done with this topic.”

Ugh. Well, I tried. “Okay then. What was your thing?”

“My thing,” he repeated.

“Yeah. I cede the floor to the gentleman from Washington Heights.” I sat beside him.

Rafe put a hand on the small of my back, and the heat seeping through my T-shirt felt divine. “Okay,” he said, rubbing small circles on my back. “When I said today that I don’t do casual, I wasn’t kidding.”

“Yep. I believe you now.”

He groaned. “Right. So. What I didn’t say, but wanted to, is that I think we should be together. For real.” He looked me right in the eye with a gaze so warm that I got a little lump in my throat.

“For real,” I echoed stupidly. “You mean…?” I couldn’t finish the sentence, because I was afraid of what he meant. Rafe wanted to be my… boyfriend? I’d never had one of those.

He curled his arm around my back to give me a squeeze, and dropped mouth to my ear. “You make me crazy in a good way, Bella. We’d be great together.”

They were lovely words, but I was already panicking. The fact that Rafe wanted me to be his girlfriend was tricky to process. No sane man would want a relationship with me. I choked on my reply, just wondering what to say.

“
Belleza
, you don’t look as excited about this idea as I am.”

“But…” I was still at a loss. “Why does it have to be some kind of pact? We’re already friends. Who have a hell of a lot of chemistry. I don’t do relationships.”

“Why?” he challenged.

“Because that’s when it all goes to hell! Everybody gets big expectations the the other person can’t live up to. Then they get sick of each other and break up.”

He tipped his handsome face toward the ceiling. “That’s obscenely pessimistic, even for you. Some of your friends are very happy together. You told me so yourself.”

“For now,” I pointed out. “And maybe you haven’t done the math yet, but in May I’m graduating. Who knows where I’d be next year? Probably at a graduate school somewhere.”

The dusty stack of graduate school brochures laughed at me from the back corner of my desk.

Rafe eased away from my body and leaned forward, chin in hand. “You have a long list of objections. I could keep arguing with you. Except I don’t think you want me to.”

“We don’t have to argue at all. That’s my point. We could just have sex and skip all the philosophizing. My way is easier.”

“No,” he said quietly. “It’s not. Because suppose you and I fool around right now…”

“Let’s call it what it is,” I suggested. “I could have you naked about sixty seconds from now. At which point we would have hot, sweaty sex.” How could he not think that was a good idea? I was feeling hot just saying the words.

“Fine,” he said. “Hot, mind-bending sex. I have a very active imagination, Bella. It would take us a week just to get through my most recent ideas.” He glanced up at me then with heat in his eyes, and my fun zone gave a shimmy. “But next week, if I pass you on the stairs with one of your hockey player friends, that will kill me.”

“You’d be jealous?”

His dark eyes bored into mine. “
Ridiculously
jealous.”

“That’s so… possessive.”

He threw his hands in the air. “Call it whatever you want, I guess. But I care about you. A lot. If we have sex, it’s not just… exercise. If that’s what possessive means, I guess I’m it.” He stood.

“Hang on.” Rafe was half-way to the door, so I hurried to finish my thought. “So let’s say we
don’t
have sex right now. And two weeks from now I do pass you on the stairs and I’m with a guy. You’re saying it’s
better
that way?”

He turned around, wearing a look on his face like I’d just kicked his puppy. “That will suck, too. But it will suck just a little bit less.”

Seriously?
“Not from my perspective. Because we would have missed out on the mind-bending sex part. You're just not comfortable with my sex life. You're
shaming
me."

“
No!
” he protested immediately. The anger in his eyes startled me. “I think you’re
amazing
, and I’ve said so every chance I get. Don't put words in my mouth. I
never
said your way was wrong. It's just wrong for
me
.” Then, as I watched, all the fight went out of him. His shoulders dropped, and he leaned his head against the door. “Let’s, uh, take the night off from Urban Studies,” he said.

My heart lurched. When Rafe put his hand on the doorknob, I had an irrational urge to stop him. “Rafe?”

He turned back, his expression guarded. “Yeah?”

“Maybe you didn’t mean it to happen, but I’m a lucky girl to have been your first.”

For a split second, his eyes closed with something like grief. But when they flew open again, he was all business. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

A moment later I was alone.
Again!
I threw myself down on the bed, trying to figure out what had just happened. Rafe wanted a relationship? I tried to picture it, but that was hard for me because I’d never had a boyfriend. There’d been Fucker Tanning, whom I’d thought of as my boyfriend. But that was just a myth he’d built for his stupid teenage fling. Then there was Graham, whom I hadn’t been dating, but in my heart I’d felt there was a future there.

Yeah
. A perfect record for disaster.

Even if I told Rafe yes, it would be a temporary arrangement. In May we’d both be sad. And for what?

RAFE!
my traitorous body screamed. Whenever he got near me, I felt him like a gravitational pull. Even in my lowest moments, I’d leaned into Rafe. That day in the deli — when he’d moved to block me from the view of those frat boys in the corner — the solid wall of his chest was something that I wanted to lay my head upon. And watching him teach me to merengue would make any girl dampen her panties.

He was the whole package. Sexy. Fun. Sexy. Kind. Loving. Sexy.

Did I mention sexy?

I groaned aloud. If he weren’t hung up about dating, we could be undressing each other right now. And so much more. The brief but combustible makeout session we’d had on his sofa only proved that our chemistry was a real. I definitely wanted more of that.

But Rafe wanted a
commitment
, followed by a break up at graduation.

And he thought I was the impulsive one?

I flopped over to bury my face in the pillow. If you wanted to be really philosophical about it,
life
was a temporary arrangement. So why get hung-up on relationships at all?

An angry knock sounded on the bathroom door.

“What?”

Lianne walked in. “Did I just hear Rafe leave?”

“Yep.”

“God, why?”

“He wants us to be a
couple
.”

Lianne clapped her hands. “Really? He’s
delicious
.”

“He is,” I agreed. “But I don’t think I can date him. I don’t do relationships. And I’m not sure I want to break my rule.”

Her forehead furrowed. “What does your heart say?”

“My heart is a traitorous bitch and a horrible judge of character.”

Lianne closed her eyes, then knocked her forehead three times into the bathroom door. “I swear to God, Bella.”

“What?”

She pinned me with a stare. “Here’s what we know about Rafe.” She ticked off the points on her tiny fingers. “He’s hot, he’s polite, he carried you up a flight of stairs, then stood guard over you like a video game dragon until you were back on your feet. He looks at you like you’re his own personal angel, and he does all of this without ever taking a
shred of credit
. If you weren’t attracted to him, that would be fine. But you are! So your heart had better get with the program.”

For a second I just blinked at her. It was easily the longest speech I’d ever heard Lianne make. “You make a few good points,” I said eventually.

She had the strangest look in her eye. It was a little wild and a little fierce. “Good guys like that are as rare as vampires on a sunny day, Bella. I’m not kidding.”

“I know,” I said quietly. It was true. And I
was
attracted to Rafe. So much. But it was hard for me to go there. The second I decided I loved someone, they always let me down.

She came all the way into the room and sat on the bed. “You sound
afraid
to be with him. And that’s not like you.”

“Yeah? If you’re so brave, what are you doing up here in Lonelyville with me?”

Lianne gave me the side eye. “I didn’t say
I
was brave. I’m a total chicken. But you’re with guys all the time…”

I snorted. Lianne still thought I was the biggest slut in the world.

She held up a hand. “Okay, that came out wrong. I just mean that you’re not intimidated. You know what to say to a guy. And Rafe’s the best one! So how is that tricky?”

“Because…” Lianne was not going to understand. “In order to be with him, it’s like I have to
reform
. I have to be the girl that everyone always told me to be.”

“Do you think Rafe is trying to reform you?” Lianne asked.

“No,” I said immediately. In my gut I knew it was true. He wanted what he wanted, and he wasn’t afraid to say so. “But the rest of the world would like to.”

Her young brow furrowed. “I get that. But it just comes down to the question of who matters more? If you want to be with Rafe, nobody else’s opinion should count.”

“Lianne, if this acting thing doesn’t work out, you should consider litigation.”

We sat there quietly together for a moment. “We’re still going to prank the football game, right?” Lianne asked eventually.

“Absofuckinglutely.”

F
or several nights in a row
, Lianne and I plotted like Churchill and FDR. Focusing on my little revenge plot was just what I needed. Even though our Urban Studies project was due soon, Rafe and I were avoiding each other. And I was still ducking the rest of the world. But Lianne enjoyed planning with me, and I sure did appreciate it.

We’d just finished our dinner — sushi this time — when Lianne’s phone rang. “I gotta take this before we talk about transportation,” she said. Startling me, she answered the phone, “God! What do you want?” She listened for a moment, her eyes darting around like an angry pinball. “Yeah, I haven’t decided where I’m going for Thanksgiving. Bermuda sounds nice, but I might fly out to Palm Springs to be with Mom. Or I might go home with a friend.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s a
he
. And he lives in Massachusetts.”

I was eavesdropping like mad, of course. Lianne never said much about her life. And come to think of it, I’d never heard her phone ring before.

“Bob, I haven’t been able to make up my mind. Cross me off your guest list, if you need clarity. I’ll go elsewhere.” She smiled to herself, as if she’d scored a point in some game that only she knew how to play. “Don’t nag me okay? It’s so unattractive. Later.” She disconnected the call.

Damn
. And here I’d begun the year thinking Lianne was meek.

“What?” she asked, and I realized I was staring.

“Who just got a beat-down?” I asked.

She wrinkled her world-famous nose. “My manager is a pain in the ass. And I talk tough, but somehow I always end up doing whatever he wants.”

“Do you not have plans for Thanksgiving?”

She waved a dismissive hand. “I’ll probably go to Palm Springs, where my bitch of a mother lives. But I can’t tell
him
in advance because then he’ll show up there. And he’ll drum up some parties or appearances or some other crap that I don’t want to do. So I need to keep him guessing.”

Ouch. “I’d vote for going home with the guy from Massachusetts. Sounds like fun.”

Lianne picked up her clipboard again. “Bella, if he were real, he’d be at the top of the list.”

“Oh.”
Oops
. “You were very convincing.”

She sighed. “That’s why they pay me the big bucks. Now, back to our plan. The models can take the train up from the city, and we’ll pick them up in the rental van.”

I sat down next to her and looked over her shoulder at the notes. “Don’t forget that we’re going to need an excellent parking spot — between the tailgate tent and the stadium, with quick access to the road,” I argued. “The van has to be in position well before the train comes.”

“Good point.” She scribbled a note on her clipboard.

“The girls will have to take taxis to campus. It’s better if they don’t arrive until the game is underway. I want them to attract attention, but not until go time.”

“Gotcha.”

“Hi,” said a voice behind me.

Whipping my head around, I found Rafe leaning against the frame of the bathroom door. “Where did you come from?”

He raised his eyebrows. “We still need to finish our project. You want me to go back downstairs?”

A somewhat awkward silence followed, during which Lianne looked from me to Rafe and back again.

“No,” I said slowly. “It’s just that we were plotting something, and you startled me.”

“Plotting what?” he asked, crossing his arms in front of his beautiful chest. I got a little lost for a second staring at the way his T-shirt stretched across his lickable abs. And by the fact that I knew if I stood up and went to him, he’d wrap those long arms around me.

I checked that urge, though. Because that way lay the abyss.

“What are you plotting?” he asked again.

Lianne beat me to it. “The best thing
ever!
I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces.”

Rafe lifted an eyebrow at me.

“Maybe we should talk,” I said.

W
e went
into my room for a little privacy. Rafe listened to my plan with a serious expression in his dark brown eyes. “What if you get into trouble for this?” was his first question.

There was a very real chance that I’d end up in a dean’s office trying to explain myself. “I’ve thought of that. And I think I’d just come clean. I’d show them the photo on
Brodacious
. And…” This was not going to make Rafe happy. “I’d tell them that I was roofied that night at the Beta Rho house.”

Rafe stood up so fast that I jumped. He went over to the window. As I watched, he took a long, slow breath and then let it out. When he spoke again, his voice was tight. “Did I just hear that correctly? They
drugged
you?”

“I think so,” I whispered.

“
Jesucristo
. How did I miss that?”

“I think you were busy carrying me up the stairs. And I purposefully didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want you to go to the cops.”

“But
why
, Bella? That fucker should be in
jail
.”

“I was
mortified
, Rafe. I was
ashamed
, okay? I finally understand why girls who are sexually assaulted don’t report it.”

His fists clenched on the window frame. “Were
you
assaulted?”

“No sir,” I shook my head. “But I’m still ashamed.”

He dropped his head, blowing out another gust of air. “Please report him. I’m begging you.”

“First I want to do this thing at the football game. I want to make a point.”

“He’ll get the
point
when his ass is in jail.”

“But it’s
all
of them!” I yelped. “They do what they’re told! And I can prove it with two reams of colored paper and a dozen rent-a-babes. It’s
poetry
, Rafe. Their ugly prank begets mine. It’s just like that gravestone you showed me. ‘Killed by a log he made.’”

Rafe scrubbed a hand across his forehead. “Your plan is brilliant. You're the cleverest girl I know. But it’s also
risky
.”

“All good things are risky,” I countered.

Slowly, Rafe lifted his eyes to mine. Our gazes locked. Rafe lifted an eyebrow in that maddening way he had.

Shit.
All good things are risky
, I’d said. And yet I wouldn’t even take a risk on him. I was such a shit.

“I don’t expect you to be there,” I said quietly. I’d been such a shitty friend.

“Oh, I will be. You don’t have a choice.”

“Why?”

His eyes practically bugged out. “You think I can just go about my Saturday business, take in a movie or whatever, all the while wondering if you and Lianne are going to end up
roofied
in some closet at a frat house?” In a rare fit of temper, Rafe delivered a swift kick to the foot of my desk chair. Then he put his hands on his head and stared up at the ceiling. “Sorry,” he managed.

“I promise to be careful.”

He dropped his arms, looking grumpier than I’d ever seen him. “Yeah? Well I’ll just be watching to make sure that you are.”

I wondered what Lianne would have to say about that. Rafe stood in front of me, looking ten different kinds of hot. He had a sort of maddening alpha-male scowl on his face. I wanted to launch myself at him. I could kiss that frown off his face. I could scale him like a tree until I had him muttering Spanish curses in my ear. I could strip him down, and finish what we'd started the other day. And when we were done, I could lay my head upon his chest — my
boyfriend's
chest — and go to sleep.

The urge was strong. But I didn’t give in to it.

"Do you happen to have any graph paper?" I asked instead.