The Ships of Earth: Homecoming: Volume 3 (42 page)

“I didn’t act like a baboon,” said Nafai. “I acted like a human male. When I act like a human male it doesn’t make me any less
human,
it just makes me less
female.
Don’t you ever tell me again that because I don’t act like a woman wants me to act, that makes me an animal.”

Nafai was surprised by the anger in his own voice.

“So it comes to this in our own house, too,” said Luet softly.

“Only because you brought it to this,” said Nafai. “Don’t ever call me an animal again.”

“Then don’t act like one,” said Luet. “Being civilized means transcending your own animal nature. Not indulging it, not glorying in it.
That’s
how you remind me of a male baboon—because you can’t be civilized as long as you treat women like something to be bullied. You can only be civilized when you treat us like friends.”

Nafai stood there in the doorway, burning inside with the unfairness of what she was saying. Not because she wasn’t speaking the truth, but because she was wrong to apply it to
him
this way. “I
did
treat you as my friend, and as my wife,” said Nafai. “I assumed that you loved me enough that we weren’t competing to see who
owns
the dreams.”

“I wasn’t angry because you appropriated the results of my dream,” said Luet.

“Oh?”

“I was hurt because you didn’t share the results of
your
dream with
me.
I didn’t jump up from bed and go tell Hushidh and Shedemei my dream, and then ask them to tell you about it later.”

Only when she put it that way did he understand why she was so upset. “Oh,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

She was still angry, and his apology was too little too late. “Go,” said Luet. “Go and find the Oversoul. Go and find the ruins of the ancient starships in the ancient landing place. Go and be the sole hero of our expedition. When I go to sleep tonight, I’ll expect to find you starring in my own dreams. I hope you have a tiny role in mind for
me
to play. Perhaps holding your coat.”

Almost Nafai let her words hurl him out the door. She had as much as repeated Elemak’s insult to him—and she
knew
how much Elemak’s words had hurt him because he had confided it to her long ago. It was cruel and unfair of her to say it now. She of all people should have known that it wasn’t his desire to be a hero that impelled him now, it was his passion to find out what would happen next, to
make
the next thing happen. She, if she loved him, should have understood. So he almost left right then, letting her bitter words travel with him all the way up into the mountains.

Instead he strode into the children’s room. They were still asleep, except for Chveya, who perhaps had been wakened by their low-key but intense quarreling. Nafai kissed each one, Chveya last. “I’m going to find the place where the best dreams come from,” he whispered, so as not to wake the other children.

“Save room in all the dreams for me,” she whispered back.

He kissed her again and then returned to the kitchen, which was the main room of the house, where Luet was stirring the porridge in the pot by the fire.

“Thank you for finding room for me in your dreams,” he said to her. “You’re always welcome in mine, too.” Then he kissed her, and to his relief she kissed him back.
They had resolved nothing except to reaffirm that even when they were angry at each other, they still loved each other. That was enough to send him on his way content instead of brooding.

He would need to have his heart at peace, because it was obvious that the Oversoul was protecting the hidden place without even knowing that it was doing so. At least, so he surmised, for
something
must have turned them all aside whenever they were hunting, keeping them from going to Vusadka, and it was certainly the Oversoul’s talent for making people forget ideas it didn’t want them to act on. Yet the Oversoul hadn’t been able to see that place itself, or even see that it could not see it. This certainly meant that the Oversoul’s own deflection routines must have been turned against the Oversoul itself, so it wasn’t likely that the Oversoul would be able to turn them off and let Nafai pass. On the contrary—Nafai would have to fight his way through, as he and Issib had fought their way past the Oversoul’s barriers back in Basilica so long ago, fighting to think thoughts that the Oversoul had forbidden. Only now it wasn’t just ideas that he had to struggle to think of. It was a place where he had to struggle to go. A place that even the Oversoul couldn’t see.

“I must overcome you,” he whispered to the Oversoul as he walked across the meadows north of the houses. “I must get past your barriers.”

〈What barriers?〉

This was going to be so hard. It made Nafai tired just to think of it. And there’d be no clever trick to get around it, either. He would just have to bull his way through by brute force of will. If he could. If he was strong enough.

It was dusk, and Nafai was near despair. After a day’s travel just to get here, he had spent this whole day doing the same useless things, over and over. He would stand outside the forbidden zone and ask the Oversoul to show him the map of all the paths taken by all the hunters, and easily see which direction he needed to travel in order to reach Vusadka. He would even scratch an arrow or write the direction
in the dirt with a stick. And then, after setting boldly forth, he would soon find himself back outside the “hidden” area, a hundred meters from where he had written the direction. If he had written “northeast,” he would find himself due west of the writing; if his arrow pointed toward the east, he would find himself south of it. He simply couldn’t get past the barrier.

He railed against the Oversoul, but the answers he got showed the Oversoul to be oblivious to what was going on. “I want to go southeast from this spot,” he would say. “Help me.” And then he would find himself far to the north and the Oversoul would say, in his mind, You didn’t listen to me. I told you to go southwest, and you didn’t listen.

Now the sun was down and the sky was darkening fast. He hated the idea of returning to Dostatok tomorrow, a complete failure.

〈I don’t understand what you’re trying to do.〉

“I’m trying to find you,” said Nafai.

〈But here I am.〉

“I know where you are. But I can’t get to you.”

〈I’m not stopping you.〉

It was true, Nafai knew it. The Oversoul might not even be doing this. If the Oversoul could be given the power to block human minds, to turn humans away from actions they were planning, then couldn’t the first humans on Harmony have set up another set of defenses to protect this place? Defenses not under the Oversoul’s control—indeed, defenses that warded away the Oversoul itself?

Show me all the paths I’ve taken today, said Nafai silently. Make me see them here on the ground.

He saw them—faint shimmerings, which coalesced into threads on the ground. He saw how they began, time after time, heading straight toward the center of the circle around Vusadka. Then they stopped cold, every one of them, and began again not very far to the north or south, obliquely coasting along the borderline.

That really struck him—how precise the border was. He must be penetrating no more than a meter or so inside it
before he was turned away. In fact, he could draw a line on the ground marking the exact border of the Oversoul’s vision. And because he could, he did. He used the last half-hour of light to mark the border with a stick, scratching a line or digging a shallow trench several hundred meters.

As he marked the border of his futility, he could hear the hooting of baboons in the near distance, calling sleepily to each other as they headed for their sleeping cliffs. It was only when he was done, when full darkness had descended and the baboons were quiet again, that he realized that while some of their calls had begun outside the border, clearly they all ended up within it.

Of course. The border is impervious to humans, but other animals have not been altered to be susceptible to this kind of fending. So the baboons cross the boundary with impunity.

If only I were a baboon.

He could almost hear Issib say, quietly, “And you’re sure that you’re not?”

He found a grassy place on highish ground and curled up to sleep. It was a dear night, with little chance of rain, and though it cooled off more here than it did back near Dostatok—he was near the desert, and the air was noticeably drier—he would be comfortable tonight.

Comfortable, but it would still be hard to sleep.

He dreamed, of course, but couldn’t be sure if the dream had meaning or was simply the result of his sleeping lightly and so remembering more of the normal dreams of the night. But in one of the dreams, at least, he saw himself with Yobar. In the dream Yobar was leading him through a maze of rock. When they came to a tiny hole in the rocks, Yobar ducked down easily and climbed through. But Nafai stood there looking at the hole, thinking, I’m not small enough to fit through there. Of course, this was not true—Nafai could see it, even in the dream, the hole was not that small. Yet he couldn’t seem to think of squatting down and squirming through. He kept looking for a way to get through while standing upright.

Yobar came back through the hole and touched him by
the hand. And when he did, Nafai suddenly shrank down and became a baboon. Then he had no trouble at all getting through the hole. Once he was on the other side, he turned back to human size immediately. And when he turned around to look at the tiny hole, it had changed—it was now as tall as an adult human, and he could pass through standing up.

In the morning, that was the dream that showed the most promise of being worthwhile. He lay, shivering now and then in the predawn breeze, trying to think of some way to use some insight from the dream. Clearly the dream was reflecting his knowledge that the baboons could pass easily through the barrier, while he, a human, could not. Clearly if he turned into a baboon he could cross the barrier too. But that was exactly what he had wished for the night before, and wishing wasn’t likely to make anything useful happen.

In the dream, thought Nafai, the hole seemed to be too small for me to get through. But I
could
have got through it easily at any time, because it was really as tall as a man. The barrier was only in my mind—which is true of this barrier as well. The more firmly I try to cross the barrier, the more firmly I’m rejected. Well, maybe it’s the
intention
to cross the boundary that pushes me away.

No, that’s foolish. The barrier must surely have been designed to fend away even people who were completely unaware of the boundary. Wandering hunters, explorers, settlers, merchants—whoever might inadvertently head toward Vusadka—the barrier would turn them away.

But then, it would take only the mildest of suggestions to turn away someone who had no firm intention of heading toward Vusadka—they wouldn’t even notice they were being turned. After all, did any of us notice that we were avoiding that area on all our hunting trips during all these years in Dostatok? So those original paths didn’t define a sharp, clear border the way that I’m defining it
now.
And our paths didn’t turn all that sharply … we just lost track of our prey, or for some other reason turned gradually away. So the
force
the barrier uses must increase with my
firm intention to cross it. And if I somehow were able just to
wander
through here, the barrier’s strength might be much weaker.

Yet how can I casually and accidentally wander where I know full well that I
must
go?

With that thought, his plan came to him full-blown; yet he also hardly dared to think it clearly, lest it trigger the barrier and fail before he tried it. Instead, he began to focus on a whole new intention. He must hunt now, and bring prey to feed the children. He himself was certainly hungry, and if he was hungry then the young ones must be famished. Only the young ones he thought of feeding were the young baboons. He remembered the baboons of the Valley of Mebbekew and felt himself responsible for bringing them meat—as Yobar had scavenged food, to please the females and strengthen the young.

So he set out in any direction that morning, not particularly orienting himself toward Vusadka, and searched until he found the pellets of a hare. Then he stalked his prey until, within the hour, he was able to put an arrow through it.

It wasn’t dead, of course—arrows rarely killed immediately, and he usually finished the animal off with his knife. But this time he left it alive, terrified and whimpering; he drew the arrow from its haunch and carried it by the ears. The sounds it made were exactly what he needed—the baboons would be much more interested in a living but injured animal. He had to find the baboons.

It wasn’t hard—baboons fear few animals, and defend themselves from
those
by being alert and giving good warning to each other. So they made no effort to be quiet. Nafai found them foraging in a long valley that stretched from west to east, with a stream flowing down the middle. They looked up when they saw him. There was no panic—he was still a safe distance away—and they looked at the hare with great curiosity.

Nafai moved closer. Now they became alert—the males stood on their foreknuckles and complained a little about
his approach. And Nafai felt a great reluctance to come nearer to them.

But I
must
come nearer, to give them meat.

So he took a few more steps toward them, holding the hare out in front of him. He wasn’t sure how they’d take this offering, of course. They might take it as proof that he was a killer, or perhaps as a suggestion that he already
had
his prey and so they were safe. But some of them had to be thinking of the hare as meat that they would eat. Baboons weren’t the world’s best hunters, but they loved meat, and this bleating hare had to look like a good meal to them.

He approached slowly, feeling more reluctance with every step. Yet he also saw that more and more of them—especially the juvenile males—were looking from him to the hare. He helped them think more of the meat by averting his own gaze whenever they looked at him—he knew it would only challenge and frighten them if he made eye contact.