The Shore of Women (16 page)
I walked back to the inner railing and stopped near the entrance to the lift. I knew why Mother had brought me to the wall. She had wanted me to help her cling to her reason, and I had failed her. She had tried to convince herself that she was right in doing her duty, and she had not persuaded herself in the end. Her mind had broken under the strain. She might have endured the inevitable loss of Button, but having to send her other son out to murder a young woman had been more than she could bear.
I might have sympathized with Mother, might have been a kindred spirit to whom she could have turned. Instead, with my cruel words, I had only added to her sorrow and isolation.
The lift door opened; the silhouette of a woman appeared in the rectangle of light. I did not speak until she stood before me. She was wearing a cape; a hood framed her old face.
“What do you want, Eilaan?” I asked.
“You were seen entering this lift. You didn’t stop at any of the floors. I knew I would find you here.”
“What do you want?”
“We must speak. We should go inside, away from the cold.”
“You may speak to me here,” I said, wanting the wind to chill her old bones. “What is going to happen to Mother?”
“Dorlei needs to rest. She’ll be taken back to her rooms, and we’ll find women to tend to her. She’ll be better in time.”
“You’re going to punish her.”
Eilaan shook her head. “There’s no need for punishment. Dorlei has done nothing wrong—quite the contrary. To do what one must in spite of one’s feelings, in spite of one’s inner struggle, is always praiseworthy, is it not?”
“What do you want with me?”
She pulled her cloak more tightly around herself. “We have a slight problem now. Your mother will be unable to see to certain matters for us. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. She said she was going to speak to you about it, and I agreed to allow her to do so. I thought it might ease her a little.”
You wanted to test us both, I thought. You wanted to see if I might be unreliable. “She spoke to me,” I said.
“I can’t tend to this matter alone. I may need your help, Laissa.”
I drew back. “You’ve got the Council to help you. Mother did all she had to do when she told you Birana was alive. You didn’t have to involve her in what you decided. You didn’t need my mother, and you don’t need me now.”
“But I do. Why should others on the Council hear of this until it’s necessary? It would be better for me to present them with an accomplished fact—otherwise, there might be unpleasant consequences.” Eilaan paused. “The one called Arvil has been told to go to a shrine and report to us when he has taken care of our problem. It would be best if you were the only one to pick up that message.”
I clenched my fists. “Why don’t you say what you mean? You want me to find out when he’s killed Birana, and if he doesn’t, you’ll want to know that, too.”
“Oh, he will, never fear.” Eilaan did not sound so sure. “Or another in his band will take care of her when those creatures find out what he’s been told. Anyway, the girl may already be dead—life is hard out there. Perhaps the pack she’s with has been attacked. If so, the matter is out of our hands.”
“You expelled Yvara because she tried to kill another woman, the greatest crime there is. Now you want me to be a party to the same crime.”
“Birana is guilty. She was expelled.”
“Then let the world outside decide her fate.”
“Things have gone too far for that.” She lowered her voice. “I have to work through that young man quietly and pray that I don’t have to take other action. This puts me in an awkward position. I can be forgiven for not being more severe with Dorlei to begin with, when she first showed signs of her instability, because her subsequent actions brought this problem to my attention. But others on the Council will remember that I convinced them to expel Birana with her mother when others were pleading for mercy.”
“Then bring Birana back. Show her mercy now.” I had said nothing in Birana’s defense; that fact tore at me again. I had not known that some on the Council were willing to spare her.
“It’s too late, Laissa.”
“Why should I help you? You’re only thinking of your own position. I know why you need me. If anything goes wrong, you can blame the whole business on me and my mother and claim that you had nothing to do with it.”
“You fool.” She grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. “You’d better think of your own position. I can make things easier for you in the future—you might need me later.”
She released me. “You’re like your mother,” she went on. “You set yourself apart and doubt. If the preservation of our way, or my problems, means nothing to you, consider this. What happens to Dorlei is in your hands now. She can recover and return to a peaceful life, but if Birana doesn’t die, we’ll have no choice but to strike out at the whole band she’s with in order to kill her. That would mean the end of any chance at life for that little boy Dorlei’s so concerned about, and you can imagine how that would affect her, given the precarious state she’s in. You don’t have to do a thing except to receive that young man’s message, when he goes to a shrine to tell us of his deed, and convey the news to me.”
She was threatening me with my mother, and Birana would die in any case. I couldn’t help her, but I might help my mother. Zoreen had told me that she knew how things were, how far she could go, what the limits were. I wondered if even Zoreen could imagine my dilemma.
“You will be a Mother of the City, Laissa,” Eilaan said. “Did you think you could pass through life as thoughtlessly as those we serve? It is we who must preserve the happiness of the majority of women by taking upon ourselves the burden of any sins the city must commit. It is the Goddess Who acts through us, and She is no stranger to what may seem heartless. She will forgive us if we act to preserve Her way.”
I had no such belief. I would carry my sins and there would be no Goddess to forgive me for them. It was futile for me to resist. Arvil would act no matter what I did, and I could not help Birana. I could not fail my mother again.
“I’ll do what you want, Eilaan.”
She began to talk to me of how to question Arvil, of how the mindspeakers in the shrines outside would channel his messages, and any from his band, to my mindspeaker alone. I listened carefully, hardening myself; I seemed to be watching events from afar. Though I did not realize it at the time, I was thinking: I will set this down, I shall open our darkest ways to the light. I can change nothing, but my words can illuminate the truth.
Perhaps if Eilaan had known how her request would affect me, she would not have drawn me into her web and might have chosen another course, but she was too old to question her wisdom: I was too young to realize that I was only beginning to travel a dangerous path.
ARVIL
I had longed to enter the enclave, and yet there I knew little true happiness. My desire for the aspects Who appeared before me made me powerless to resist Them, yet a part of me could not be soothed by Their pleasures. The mission that had been given to me was not an honor but a frightening task, for I feared Birana almost as much as I feared the Lady.
As I departed from the Lady’s misty realm, my soul returned to me. I opened my eyes. I was in the room I had first entered, lying on a couch near the door that led outside. I took off my circlet and sat up.
Tal lay on the couch next to me. Next to him was a fair-haired child. We had been given a boy and our new band would be pleased at that, but I could summon little joy. I was remembering the disturbing vision of Tal covered with metal threads, of shiny claws pressing my body down, and wondered if I had dreamed it all.
Our weapons lay on the floor, along with our sacks and pouches. I picked up one pouch and peered inside, then plucked out one of the orange balls it contained. I bit into it and tasted a tart, fruity sweetness; the Lady had given us food for our journey.
Tal stirred. I swung my feet over the couch and leaned toward him. “Tal.”
He opened his eyes, removed his circlet, and sat up. “Arvil! She told me you would be with me.” He held me by the shoulders. “We are blessed. I had to give you up, and now you’re restored to me, safe from those unholy horsemen. The Lady has rewarded me for keeping to Her way. She told me that you had been given a task—to strike down an evil one.” He lowered his voice. “You must tell me more of that, but not inside this holy place.”
I shivered as I thought of the Lady’s demand. Before I could speak, Tal caught sight of the boy. He went to the lad and took the circlet off his head. The child threw up an arm, then shook his head as he sat up. His blue eyes stared blankly at us.
“I am your guardian,” Tal said. The boy shook his head. Tal pointed to his chest. “Tal.”
I said, “He doesn’t understand.”
“He will learn. You knew only words in the holy speech when you were given to me.” Tal turned back to the boy. “I am your guardian,” he said in the holy tongue and then repeated the words in our speech.
“Guardian,” the boy said.
“Arvil.” I pointed to myself.
“Arvil.”
Tal swatted him gently on the arm. The boy whimpered a little. I handed Tal his belongings and he held each item up, giving its name both in the holy speech and our own. I plucked at my garments, noting that they were clean and that I no longer itched.
“He needs a name,” Tal said, gesturing at the boy, who blinked as if holding back tears.
“Call him Bint,” I said quickly.
Tal frowned. “Whose name was that?”
“He was with the horsemen our band joined. He was a good man and would have cared for me if the Lady had not struck down his band.”
“Struck down?”
I told him what had happened on the plateau, and the terror I had felt then returned to me. The Lady had shown Her power to me then and would strike at me if I failed Her now. Tal’s eyes narrowed as I spoke. “You see,” I finished, “you were right to say we should not join them. But Bint was kind to me and saved my life and tried to serve the Lady.”
“If he had been a good man, She would not have punished him. You say that all died, and only you were spared—She would have spared him if he had been worthy.”
“He was a good man, I tell you. I came to know him while we traveled, he prayed with me before we slept.”
Tal’s lip curled. “And perhaps he took his pleasure with you as well, and that is why you want him honored.”
I shook my head. “He treated me as his charge.”
“I can’t name this boy after such a man. The name would leave a curse. He shall have Hasin’s name, for Hasin was one who avoided wickedness.”
I shrugged, trying not to think of Bint. Tal was quiet for a time before speaking again. “It is a blessing to be given a young one, Arvil, but without a band to help us, he may not live long. Our own days may be few.”
“I have much to tell you, Tal. I have found new friends, a band willing to let us join them. I could not have made my way here without their help. Let me…”
“What band? What sort of band welcomes strangers into it so quickly, or helps a lone boy? Is this another like the horsemen’s band?”
“They are from the river to the southwest where we have hunted. They are good men, Tal, and we need a new band.”
He slapped me. I jumped up and strode to the other side of the room. “I am your guardian,” he shouted. “I’ll decide what sort of men they are. Better for us to find a band near our lands that shares some of our ways, instead of strangers we do not know.”
“The bands near us would be more likely to kill us if they believed we were alone with no band to avenge us.”
“I can deal with them. I am your guardian, and you’ll listen to me!”
“I don’t need a guardian now,” I shouted back. “I have been called. I am a man now. I’ll have as much to say in meetings of the band as you and will join them even if you don’t.”
“Do not speak that way to me.”
“You may do as you like,” I answered. “You can come with me to Mary’s shrine, where these men are to meet us, or you can wander alone—that is your choice.” I pointed at Hasin. “The Lady has entrusted him to you, and he’ll be safer with a band.”
The boy began to cry. Tal shook him, then slapped his face. “No crying!” He released the boy. “Do not cry,” he said in the holy speech. “If you cry, I shall beat you.”
The joy I had felt at being with Tal again was fading. I had believed him to be strong, and now I began to see him as obstinate. All that had befallen me had changed me, and I was seeing Tal with new eyes. “We should not be fighting about this,” I said at last. “We’re in a holy place and have not even thanked the Lady.”
I knelt in prayer, but my mind was not on holy words; I was struggling against my anger with Tal. I had risked much to find him again, and now he scorned the tidings I had brought him. I tried to summon up a prayer, but the words seemed empty and useless.
I do not know You, Lady
. At last I had come to that. My visitations, the pains and pleasures the Lady had given me, were not what they seemed. I had sensed that, somehow, when I had glimpsed myself on a couch and saw my body covered with metal threads. I thought of the hands and mouths of aspects upon me. I had touched Their bodies and known the smooth wetness of Their women’s parts, and yet in my memory They seemed spirits and not creatures of flesh.
I
do not know if I believe, I do not know if You are real or an illusion.
I said this to myself silently as I knelt inside the wall, and yet the Lady did not strike at me.
I stood up. Tal had forced Hasin to his knees and was instructing him in prayer.
“You must leave Me now,” a voice said. Tal scrambled to his feet and pulled the boy by his hand toward the door. “My blessings are with you. Farewell.”
The door slid open and we sprinted into the night.
We did not stop running until we were hidden among the trees. I carried Tal’s pack, along with my own and my weapons, while Tal carried the boy. Hasin’s cries grew louder until he was wailing.
Tal dropped him, then struck him on the side of the head. “Be quiet!”
The wails became whimpers. I leaned over the lad. “Be quiet, Hasin,” I whispered in the holy speech. “Others will find us and kill us if they hear you.”
That silenced him. He climbed onto Tal’s back without a sound.
We spent the night in a tree, where Tal and I took turns on watch. In the morning, we traveled swiftly through scavenger territory and nibbled at food from our pouches as we walked. Tal murmured prayers of thanks to the Lady for Her food as we ate, for She had given us small fruits, flat cakes that crumbed as we bit into them, and salty brown squares that tasted of meat and mushrooms. I seemed to remember tasting this food before but had no time to savor it. My mind was on the scavengers who might kill us for our food.
When we were safely away from scavenger land, we set Hasin down and turned east toward Mary’s shrine. Tal had said little during our journey, for we had to be alert to the sounds and signs of danger, but I sensed that he was also pondering what I had told him inside the wall.
We camped that night under a rocky ledge that bordered a creek. “Now we shall talk,” Tal said as we ate more of the Lady’s food. “Tell me about these men I am to meet at the shrine.”
This eased me, for Tal was now agreeing to meet them. I told him of everything that had passed after I fled from the plateau. He scowled when I told him of Birana, but did not interrupt me.
Hasin was already asleep when I finished, curled up inside his coat. Tal was silent for a while, then said, “You have kept company with two who willingly wander without a band and who tell foolish tales to strangers. Now you want to join others, who have been guided to our old camp by your words and given what is ours. And you have consorted with an evil one who claims to be of the Lady and allowed her to cast a spell over you inside a holy shrine. You have done badly, Arvil.”
“I have done well enough. I would like to know if you could have done better.”
“I would not have treated with one who chose to wander alone.”
“Then you would have died. You would have been such a man yourself if I hadn’t found friends.”
“I would not have been blinded by an evil spirit.”
“She wears the form of the Lady. You would have bowed before her yourself and longed for her blessing. But the Lady has ordered me to destroy her, and I shall do so.” In spite of my doubts, I was holding to that purpose. The Lady was more powerful than I and found ways to punish those who disobeyed, and the memory of my own suffering at Her hands was fresh. I felt the power of Her command as I remembered. Had Birana been before me at that moment, I would have taken her life then.
“I’ll see that you obey,” Tal said.
I rested my back against the rock. “But you mustn’t speak of Birana and what I have told you when you meet the band. They believe she is an aspect, and I don’t want her to use her powers to turn them against us. She may have cast a spell on them.” It had come to me that the others might try to protect her from me. Wise Soul’s men did not yet know me well and might not take my word against hers.
“At last you’re using your sense,” Tal said grudgingly. “But if she is so powerful, then how do you plan to destroy her?”
“I’ll find a way. The Lady would not have given me such a task if it couldn’t be done. She would have used Her own magic against Birana instead. I saw the magic She can summon on the plateau.” Even as I spoke, I remembered that Birana had cast her spell on me in a shrine, and that the Lady had not prevented it. Birana had some power, then. I pushed such thoughts aside, since they would lead me only to more doubts.
“We must be cautious, Tal,” I continued. “I must try to keep the rest of the band from harm.”
“You show great concern toward men you hardly know.”
“It is Wanderer and Shadow I think of most, but I have also pledged a truce to the others.”
He grunted. “Tell me more of this band. Who will be its Headman?”
“I think Wise Soul will remain so. The others are all younger men. Wanderer might be next if he wins their trust.”
“Who would be next?”
“I do not know. If you join, you might be next, but I cannot say. I don’t know their customs.” I glanced toward him, unable to see his face in the dark. “Is that what you want? A promise you will be Headman someday? You’ll have to earn their trust first.”
“If those cursed horsemen had not come, I would have been Headman after Geab.”
I let out a breath. “That’s why you were so angry then. That’s why you wouldn’t join the horsemen, and why you left me with them even while saying they were evil. It wasn’t because they were unholy, but because you were not to be our Headman.”
He slapped me. Hasin awoke and gave a cry as I jumped to my feet. “Don’t ever do that again, Tal.” I spoke softly. “I am a man now, and the time when I’ll be able to fight you is not far away.”
He said no more that night.
It took us four days to reach the shrine, for Hasin slowed our pace. We soon finished the Lady’s food, and I sighed as I ate the last of the sweet fruits. During this time, Hasin learned a few more words of our speech as well as how to clean the fish we caught at a stream. He seemed quick of thought, and I hoped that he would grow strong as well.
Tal had stopped confronting me, and soon I saw that he had decided to throw in his lot with the new band, although he would not say so outright. He asked me about the men, and I told him what little I could, unwilling to admit that I could not tell him much.
I spoke mostly of Wanderer and Shadow. “Wanderer knows much lore,” I said one night as we made a shelter of tree branches against the early spring rain. “He says we may have to master the horse if we are to survive.”
“Horses,” Tal muttered. “Potions for wounds. The man is a fool.”
“Changes are coming. We must learn new ways and change as well.”
“Changes are not coming. The Lady will forbid it.”
“The Lady will not forbid it. If we are to serve Her, we must be able to stand against those who would kill us, and that means we must learn their ways.”
“Listen to me, Arvil. You say that two of those men were under that evil one’s spell when you left them. She may have bewitched them all by now. I would not heed the words of men who can be so easily misled.”
I had told my new friends that I would bring them a good man; now I wondered.
The shrine was empty when we reached it. We would have to wait there until someone came for us. I wanted to search our old campsite for the band but knew it would be wiser for Tal to meet them on holy ground, where a truce would be in effect and he would not be moved to a rash act.
It came to me then that the band, or some members of it, might not have survived their journey to this region. They might have tarried too long near the shrine where I had met Wise Soul and been found by their enemies, or they might have met danger elsewhere. If they did not send a man to this shrine soon, I would have to search for them and might find that we had no band after all. Part of me hoped for that, so I would not have to face Birana again, yet I also wanted the band to be safe.