The Shore of Women (42 page)

“The wine dulls my senses,” she said. “The man drinks of the potion the healer prepares, and I become all women to him. The wine makes my mind rise from me until he is only touching a body while I watch from afar. It makes it easier to endure, and sometimes I can drink enough to forget.”

“It’s horrible,” I whispered.

“I’ll tell you what I hate most about them. I can no longer seek love with anyone and take pleasure from it. I couldn’t lie with you without thinking of them.”

I set down my cup. “I have to get away.” I glanced wildly around the hut. “They’ll expect the same thing from me.”

Her hand clutched my arm. “I told you that you’d be safe. I said at the ceremony that you would summon no man, that it’s your task to commune with spirits and not with them. I said this before all of them, so even Yerlan must be bound by it. He was angry, though he tried not to show it. His thoughts were turning to you, but there’s nothing he can do about it now. If he hurt you, his men would see that he suffered for it, and he knows that.”

I had despised her; now, I was moved by her. She had thought of protecting me from what she had endured, and I had not thought of her at all.

“It may be that fewer of the men will seek our blessing,” she said. “The younger ones, those who were boys when I came here or who were brought here from other camps, have never known these things. They want to be with me only because it’s an honor, but it’s other men they desire. They haven’t had the cities and shrines to instruct them. I’ve summoned few of them. They drink their potion, but only lie at my side and have no memory of what happened later.”

My gorge rose. “How could you do this?”

“I’m alive. One lives how one must, you foolish girl. You would have been forced to the same thing if you had been alone.”

I thought of Arvil’s old band and how they might have dealt with me, then remembered how I had imagined Arvil sitting with me in the dark of the hut. I had no right to condemn Nallei. She only endured the touch of a man, while I had, however fleetingly, responded to Arvil.

I drew up my legs and pressed my forehead against my knees, tormented by these thoughts, then raised my head. “But what do you allow… how do they…” I could hardly say the words. “You must have found some way to keep from having a child.”

Nallei picked up her cup of tea, swallowed a little, and set the cup down. “Surely you know how to chart your cycle, Birana. Women have to know when they’re most fertile and ready for the insemination of sperm. You must have learned how to use a scanner to detect the time when you’re ovulating. Here, I must use similar methods to avoid a pregnancy. I keep a bit of hide with me always, and chart the days of my cycle on it. I don’t have a scanner now, of course, but I can know when my fertile time comes and allow for it.” Her mouth twisted. “It doesn’t often happen that I have to endure a man during that time, but when it’s necessary, I find other ways to satisfy him.”

I pressed a hand against my mouth, not wanting to think about what those ways might be.

Nallei straightened. “You might as well hear the rest. You won’t despise me any more than you do already. I was as careful as I could be, but in spite of my precautions, I became pregnant ten years ago.”

“But the child…”

“There is no child. I aborted it. Do you understand? I couldn’t have a child here, couldn’t let them see.… As soon as I was sure, I aborted it. I had to use a stick. I began to hemorrhage; I thought I would die. Somehow I found the strength to bury it and sent one of the guards for Wirlan. He came and gave me some of his potions for three days. I told him that an evil spirit had struggled with me but that I had won over it, and then swore him to secrecy. He has never spoken of it since.”

This was more horrible than anything else she had said. I knew that in ancient times, when our biological sciences were not as advanced, abortions had occasionally been necessary, but none had been performed for centuries. Women chose a time to give birth; defects in newborns or fetuses had been eliminated long ago.

I thought of Nallei, alone here, of how helpless she must have felt when she realized her condition. No one could have helped her, not even the healer. She could not have given birth without showing the men the truth about their existence; she could not have raised the child here. She could not even know what sort of child it might have been, whether it would have been strong enough to live. I could not condemn her for this.

“I was even more careful after that,” she said, “and it never happened again. Now I think I must have destroyed my ability to have children. I couldn’t have borne them here, but I hate the men for that, too. I suppose I should be grateful that, in a few years’ time, my monthly bleeding will be past.”

I lifted my head. She had reminded me of how quickly we would age.

“Now you know about me,” she said. “Despise me if you must, but I’ve done what I can to keep you safe. And think of this as well. You found your way here—perhaps some other woman will. You spoke of finding another refuge, but it may be that you’ll have to create one here instead.” She paused. “If you can no longer bear to live with me, I’m sure that the men will build you another hut.”

I moved closer to her. “I won’t do that. If you hadn’t done as you did, there might not have been a safe place for me.” I put my arm around her. “You are my mother now.”

I knew I would have to go to the camp again, but the thought of doing so repelled me. I knew what the men had done to Nallei; I would understand their thoughts only too well when they looked at me. Yet I had to go to the camp to learn the skills I might need.

I did not speak of this to Nallei, but I had not given up hope of an escape. A stranger might come to the area outside the camp with some tale of a possible refuge. I could leave on horseback, and the band would be at a disadvantage if they followed me on foot. I did not plan to leave Nallei behind; I would find a way to take her with me. I could not believe that, with all she had suffered, she would not willingly leave this camp.

I rose one morning and announced to Nallei that I was going into the camp. I did not want to go, but it was becoming too easy to while away the days in swimming and talk, accompanied by jugs of wine. If I did not go to the camp soon, it would be difficult to bring myself to go at all.

I boarded a boat with one of the guards, commanding the other one to remain. The man with me protested when I sat in the prow and took up a paddle, but I silenced him. I had watched the men in their boats and was able to use the paddle, however awkwardly. My shoulders ached when we landed below the camp, but I refused to sit in the litter and walked up to the clearing. A boy fetched a mat for me; I sat down a few paces from the Prayergiver’s house.

“Where is your Headman?” I said to the boy.

“He rests, Holy One, for he returned with hunters only a short time ago.”

“I would speak to him.”

Yerlan was soon hastening toward me from his dwelling; he bowed and sat down. I tried not to think of what he had done to Nallei. Some of my guards on the island had often commented enviously on Yerlan’s handsome face and well-formed body, but I could see no beauty in him, only a man whose strength had made him brutal.

“It is My wish,” I said, “to spend some time with My messenger and to visit the land that lies around this camp. We shall ride out today.”

“It will be as You wish, Lady, but You would be safer here.”

“I shall be safe enough with My messenger.”

He scowled. “If any harm comes to You, he will pay for it.”

“And because you have shown Me such hospitality before,” I said, “I would dine with you and your hunters when I return.” I struggled to keep my bitterness and hatred for him out of my voice. “But I ask only that you give Me what you would eat by yourselves, and not a feast more suitable for a special occasion. The Lady is not well served if the band She honors takes food from other mouths to feed Her, for it is Her wish that your fine band has enough for all.”

He brightened at that, then sent one of his men to fetch Arvil, who, it seemed, was at the edge of the camp gathering herbs and plants with Wirlan. Another man was sent to speak to the sentries beyond the camp so that Yerlan could be certain no travelers were near.

We rode out from the camp on Flame and Star, keeping to the trail before leaving it to stop in a glade. “There are no sentries here,” Arvil said as we dismounted. “We can speak freely. There is something I must tell you.”

“What is it?”

His hands moved nervously over his bow. “The one who dwells with you… I know now what the ceremony of the full moon is. She…”

“I know what happened, Arvil.”

“She joins with Yerlan, and sometimes with others. She calls them to her, yet she said there is to be no joining for you. What does this mean?”

“She’s protecting me. That’s why she said that.”

“But you told me what would happen if I joined with you. Isn’t the same thing true for her?”

“There are ways…” I burst out before falling silent. I would be admitting that what I had told him about these matters was not entirely true. “She’s older,” I said at last. “She can have no children now. A man’s seed can no longer grow inside her.”

“But…”

“Why must you speak of this? Are you hoping she’ll call you? There’s no pleasure in it for her. She endures it because she must, but she hates the men for it as much as I would.”

He gazed at me steadily. “She is fair, but I don’t hope for that. You know who it is I long for, but if it cannot be, I can take comfort from knowing you are safe from others. I think of you lying with Yerlan or with other men, and I feel such rage that I would kill anyone in this band, even those who are becoming friends.”

“Arvil…” I touched his arm. He reached for my hand and held it for a moment. “You mustn’t think about this. I need your help now. There’s much I have to learn. You must teach me the language of these men and show me how to use this spear and bow.”

He smiled at last. “I shall try.”

It became my practice to go into the forest with Arvil as often as possible. He had seen that his spear and bow would not do for me, and so I practiced with weapons he had made for Tulan. It was good that we practiced in secret, for the band would have thought little of my powers and my dignity if they had seen me struggling with the bow or had watched my arrows drop only a pace or two away. My efforts with the spear often reduced Arvil to laughter.

I did, however, grow more skilled with the sling, since that weapon required skill and accuracy rather than strength. A day came when I aimed at a rabbit and struck it, but my joy at finding the target faded when I picked up the creature’s tiny body. I would never match Arvil’s skill with the bow and could not hurl the spear as far, but gradually I grew a bit more practiced with those weapons.

Occasionally Tulan rode out with us, and Arvil swore him to secrecy about these sessions. The boy was happy to keep the secret, and being asked to come with us had raised him even higher in the estimation of the other boys. With Tulan, I learned how to block blows and how to use my arms and legs in a fight, although it took several days to convince him that he was not being disrespectful if he used his full strength against me. Tulan, like all boys, had learned to fight at an early age, and I soon bore the bruises of his efforts.

It was, I knew, also better to learn these skills with Tulan instead of Arvil. Arvil was strong enough to injure me severely without meaning to do so, but I also feared provoking him with so much bodily contact. Whenever he moved my fingers along the bow or spear into a proper grip, I saw that he prolonged the touch and welcomed it. Tulan was still too young to feel such impulses and could lock his arms around me with no other thought than trying to keep me from breaking his hold.

Because I did not want others to resent any favor I showed Arvil and Tulan, I also spent time listening to Yerlan and others tell me of their deeds. I presided over contests among the boys and went with them when they gathered berries or hunted for stones to make into points. I walked among the gardens and listened as the plant tenders told me of their crops.

All of this brought me to the camp nearly every day, and after almost a month, Nallei agreed to come with me. She smiled when I told her what I was learning, scolded me when she noticed my bruises or strained muscles, but finally grew curious enough, or lonely enough, to accompany me.

She had not been on a horse since before her exile but was able to ride on Flame with me when I went into the wood with Arvil and Tulan. She refused to learn the use of weapons, but watched while I practiced. At first, she laughed at my mistakes, but as the days passed, she grew more solemn. Often she glanced from Arvil to me, and a thoughtful look would pass over her face.

Several days after she had first begun to come to the camp with me, I was chiding her as we prepared supper in our hut. “Surely you could try the sling,” I said as I set wild onion around our cooked fish. “Arvil can make one for you. You might need the skill someday.”

“I won’t need it here.”

“Life is uncertain out here, even on this lake. We might have to leave someday.”

“There would be nowhere to go.” She gazed at me over the fire. “And I wonder if you would want to leave Arvil.”

I stiffened. “He’s been a friend. I think he would follow me.”

“I’m sure he would.”

“Just what do you mean, Nallei?” I said, annoyed.

“Do you think I’m blind? I’ve seen how he looks at you, and there’s no deference in his eyes. He’s not looking at a Holy One, but at a young woman. I think he sees what you really are. Perhaps he learned that during your travels. Maybe you told him more than you should have.”

I sensed a threat in her words. “He’s no danger to you, Nallei. He’s happy with this band, and he’d do anything to protect me. He proved that during our journey many times.”

“You’re saying that he loves you.”

I pushed the stone platter of fish toward her. “He’s a friend,” I said at last.

“His feelings will grow. A time may come when he can’t control them. Remember that there was one who tried to force himself on me. You may not mean to do so, but you lure him on by spending so much time with him. You’re often alone with him in that wood. You smile at him and let him put his hands on yours.” She sighed. “I’ll do nothing against him, girl, but you’d better decide if it might be wiser to avoid him as much as possible and let those feelings in him die.”